How to romance series: LSI

[golden]

I did find the severity of his reaction a bit ridiculous. He was all formal, jeez. A simple "I don't think we are a good match" would have been perfectly suitable, but I had to be scolded. Probably not type-related though.

This scolding is shitty and ungracious and unkind. Sounds like an asshole thing. Could be NTR, or not. I've known two LSI men who would probably do that, and they were both European (one Austrian, one German) and both probably Ti subtype.

I think all the explanations you gave about the NeFi point of view make a lot of sense in light of questions I have about some IEEs I've known and will be rereading them. It's a bit hard to bridge the gap at times?

I also remember in light of your comments that the IEE my husband dated was often asking him "where things were going" and so on, and it didn't work too well for him. I don't really wonder where things are going . . . I just know either they're kinda going where I want, or they're not, and maybe the same way you say that you "assess and reshape" relationships, I might assess and reshape circumstances to make events or situations be more as I wish? But I don't feel I can do that with people per se, I'd have no clue how.

Would you be willing to say more about what assessing and reshaping relationships is like in practice? What changes? Is it behaviors, attitudes, what?

ETA: What you said about having the crappy day is interesting. When I have a crappy day, I tend to withdraw from people. I tend to think, "I'm feeling crappity and I'm going to be annoying, so I'd better keep my distance until I'm more fit to interact." I'm NOT saying that's right, or healthy, only that I automatically do this. So the complaints I get from my LSI are more that I'm being distant or unreachable, and if I explain that I'm feeling down or upset, then he accepts it.

[Kim]

This scolding is shitty and ungracious and unkind. Sounds like an asshole thing. Could be NTR, or not. I've known two LSI men who would probably do that, and they were both European (one Austrian, one German) and both probably Ti subtype.

I did notice some pretty clear narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies, so it might not be type-related. Either way, it's a good thing.

I think all the explanations you gave about the NeFi point of view make a lot of sense in light of questions I have about some IEEs I've known and will be rereading them. It's a bit hard to bridge the gap at times?

Which gap, specifically?

I also remember in light of your comments that the IEE my husband dated was often asking him "where things were going" and so on, and it didn't work too well for him. I don't really wonder where things are going . . . I just know either they're kinda going where I want, or they're not, and maybe the same way you say that you "assess and reshape" relationships, I might assess and reshape circumstances to make events or situations be more as I wish? But I don't feel I can do that with people per se, I'd have no clue how.

I want to know where I stand with a person with regards to emotional distance. I can adapt and go with the flow in life, but I cannot handle emotional ambiguity. I think asking where things might go is covering two things: "how committed is he to this" and "what are the new options/possibilities/restrictions that come with this point of the relationship." I always have to have options - I want to move to California, for example, so I need to know how committed someone is because it has an impact on my life choices. I can't look at my life as a linear development that will unfold - I see it as a collection of possibilities and possible avenues to take (I am not set in my career, I don't want to live here, I don't have kids, so there is a lot of flexibility). So I want to know where I stand with someone so I can adapt my plans to the relationship/figure out if we can do this, etc. I also love feeling secure with someone. My life is in constant flux and there is so much change and my significant other is, ideally, my constant. I love that feeling of emotional security (which is also perhaps why I don't withdraw from them when I feel bad, see below).

Would you be willing to say more about what assessing and reshaping relationships is like in practice? What changes? Is it behaviors, attitudes, what?

Like I said above - now I am in the very initial stages of seeing an ILE. He is flexible, too, has similar life plans, will retire from the military soon, etc. So the logistics would work very well (also age, etc.). If we take this to the next level, we could easily reach a consensus on where to go next. Before him I was dating someone who is very much tied to this area and I approached it with a different mindset. I knew that if we take this to the next level, I would have to stay here. Of course this is the same for everyone, but I can't just sit and let it happen. I always want to know what's next so I can assess all my options. That is why I am incredibly impatient and incapable of happily taking things slow. I am not sure if this answers your questions.

ETA: What you said about having the crappy day is interesting. When I have a crappy day, I tend to withdraw from people. I tend to think, "I'm feeling crappity and I'm going to be annoying, so I'd better keep my distance until I'm more fit to interact." I'm NOT saying that's right, or healthy, only that I automatically do this. So the complaints I get from my LSI are more that I'm being distant or unreachable, and if I explain that I'm feeling down or upset, then he accepts it.

I withdraw from people, but not from significant others. They are my comfort zone and my outlet. In this particular case, he added to my crappy week because I felt homesick and lonely and he was distant, so I wanted clarification. To him that was pushy and annoying. But I got the clarification I needed.

[golden]

I did notice some pretty clear narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies, so it might not be type-related. Either way, it's a good thing.

Running like the wind would've been my advice there. Egad.

Which gap, specifically?

I knew when I wrote that that it didn't make much sense but left it hanging there anyway. When I've had conflicts with ENFps, there's been an interpretive gap for me between what they say and what they do. I think we may share a lot of values, but our problem-solving approaches and comfort zones and ideas about where boundaries exist and how and why to construct them apparently clash. Conflict with ENFp is very hard for me to resolve. Once it starts, we can't even agree on why we've come into conflict in the first place.

I want to know where I stand with a person with regards to emotional distance. I can adapt and go with the flow in life, but I cannot handle emotional ambiguity. I think asking where things might go is covering two things: "how committed is he to this" and "what are the new options/possibilities/restrictions that come with this point of the relationship." I always have to have options - I want to move to California, for example, so I need to know how committed someone is because it has an impact on my life choices. I can't look at my life as a linear development that will unfold - I see it as a collection of possibilities and possible avenues to take (I am not set in my career, I don't want to live here, I don't have kids, so there is a lot of flexibility). So I want to know where I stand with someone so I can adapt my plans to the relationship/figure out if we can do this, etc. I also love feeling secure with someone. My life is in constant flux and there is so much change and my significant other is, ideally, my constant. I love that feeling of emotional security (which is also perhaps why I don't withdraw from them when I feel bad, see below).

Since I grew up in a small town and didn't want to stay there, I'm familiar with this kind of conundrum, but I didn't feel like there were any possibilities for me in the town, so I didn't date anyone local, ever, beyond a compulsory prom date or double date. I would not get involved with anyone, which painted me as a freak and a cold negater. But my one real goal was to get the hell outta Dodge, and it was well worth being lonely and distrusted to be certain I achieved it.

What you said here fascinates me because I am your opposite in a crucial way: I don't want to keep my options open. I am drowning in options that pull me this way and that, and I constantly seek to jettison and eliminate them. So seeing you put things this way really helps me understand more about a starkly different mentality. Maybe this points to why someone with Ne-polr would be my dual.

This also might help explain why one particular ENFp hates me so much, seeing me as uncommitted when nothing could be further from the truth. There must be a different idea about what commitment looks like. I do see many situations as unfolding in a linear way; for me there's a lot of inevitability in various life circumstances, so I don't worry about "what next." I'm looking at it more like this: "In x number of years, the situation is likely to look like xyz, because of abc. How I get there is not all that important. I know I will probably need to do efg, but it's a question of when. For now, I will have to live with a lot of discomfort."

Like I said above - now I am in the very initial stages of seeing an ILE. He is flexible, too, has similar life plans, will retire from the military soon, etc. So the logistics would work very well (also age, etc.). If we take this to the next level, we could easily reach a consensus on where to go next. Before him I was dating someone who is very much tied to this area and I approached it with a different mindset. I knew that if we take this to the next level, I would have to stay here. Of course this is the same for everyone, but I can't just sit and let it happen. I always want to know what's next so I can assess all my options. That is why I am incredibly impatient and incapable of happily taking things slow. I am not sure if this answers your questions.

I don't like taking things slowly either, but it must be for a different reason. I guess, too, that when things are unfolding slowly, I ascribe the slowness to my own "ripeness" and the timing of things outside myself. I wouldn't know how to associate it to another person or have it hinge on them, and to ask someone else to agree to what's coming next--? (My interpretation of what you wrote.) I probably see other people as variables in the larger situation. But my saying all this makes me wonder how anything actually does happen in my life, lol. Maybe it's a problem. :|

Thank you for responding, Kimmeh. So informative.

[Kim]

Thank you for responding, Kimmeh. So informative.

<3

I will respond when I can.

[golden]

<3

I will respond when I can.

Lol, I meant thank you for the response you already gave. You don't have to keep spinning this particular plate.

[Kim]

Lol, I meant thank you for the response you already gave. You don't have to keep spinning this particular plate.

I know that's what you meant, but I still want to respond. It's a very enlightening plate.