I don't get dual relationships (duality)

[Beautiful sky]

V.G. This is it, relations between duals are dialectic, they both love and hate each other. This is unavoidable. Dual relations are synthesis of the opposites. This struggle is unavoidable.
Is there any way to get rid of these painful contradictions between duals, in principle?
Audience: Um, may be, perhaps, likely not ...
V.G. In principle it's impossible. It's possible to smooth them out, by correct distribution of roles in dual pair for example, but it's impossible to remove them. This, precisely, is life; these contradictions give dual relations a special tint, without it they would have been boring.[B][I] Periodically contradictions arise, they get resolved, come up, get resolved, come up, get resolved again - this is dialectical contradictory synthesis. Considering that this is the union and the struggle of the opposites, duals often come together over conflict. At first, they fight one another, raise scandals, sort out relations, then suddenly they feel a pull towards each other. This is how it happens, such is nature.

@Eliza Thomason What do you think of the above?

[Eliza Thomason]

V.G. This is it, relations between duals are dialectic, they both love and hate each other. This is unavoidable. Dual relations are synthesis of the opposites. This struggle is unavoidable.
Is there any way to get rid of these painful contradictions between duals, in principle?
Audience: Um, may be, perhaps, likely not ...
V.G. In principle it's impossible. It's possible to smooth them out, by correct distribution of roles in dual pair for example, but it's impossible to remove them. This, precisely, is life; these contradictions give dual relations a special tint, without it they would have been boring.[B][I] Periodically contradictions arise, they get resolved, come up, get resolved, come up, get resolved again - this is dialectical contradictory synthesis. Considering that this is the union and the struggle of the opposites, duals often come together over conflict. At first, they fight one another, raise scandals, sort out relations, then suddenly they feel a pull towards each other. This is how it happens, such is nature.

@Eliza Thomason What do you think of the above?

I might write more later but for now will just say - I don't see hate with my dh, only at times, yes, annoyance, annoyance with him just being who he is. Like explaining a thing too much like a professor giving a lecture. We do come to conflict, like over design (we are building a room with many aspects) and we are learning how to synthesize for sure. His SEI )self-type from quiz) granddaughter said, "You two are so funny. You argue, then you call each other dear." Yes, because the conflict is about the thing, the disagreement, and its not the person that annoys. And this from her was not a criticism; I could see our way made her feel secure and comfortable. Yes, we "dear" all day even just after arguing.

He is louder than me, and I don't like loud, and I tell him "I am not deaf", or if there is any strife in the arguing I turn my back and walk away and say, "I don't want to talk now. Lets talk later when you are not mad." He sees the real effect of "loud" and "strife" on me and he changes immediately - so he can continue if he is so motivated. And we continue the "fight" but with the gentler voices and less-strife that I need.

Anyway, and so we learn about each other, and the "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" that seemed so impossible to achieve with my ex (he was loud and had a major anger issue) has never been an issue here. Never a question. I am never annoyed at sundown, nor is he. The annoyance, maybe what VG calls "hate", doesn't last. I guess frankly I get my way a lot, but I feel so MUCH gratitude that I can express my full opinion on a thing, that my way matters, as I have never been able to before in my life, except in moments with friends, but not in day-to-day real life. And so I love him more, and want to please him who I love more and who pleases me.

A couple of times - design arguments have gotten complicated, like recently he was introducing an well-developed for a problem we had discussed and he arrived at a solution all alone while I had nothing to do with what he worked on, so, no input from me. And He shows me, and its a lot to see, and meanwhile and he is "selling" it, with a lecture, and is not giving me a chance to comment, and he sees a negative comment is about to come out from me and he anticipates, and rabbles on with his explanation and tries to overrule, saying, to acknowledge I am trying to say something, "I am going to win this one!" and I say, annoyed, "Why is it about winning?? Its about communicating and collaborating." And so we communicate. I get my way plenty, then I ask, was I not right? And I was. We both know it. But if he truly does not like my idea, no matter how much I like it I definitely don't push because I want him to be happywith the outcome. I know there will be something we find we both like, we just haven't thought of it yet. The solution, when we both still like our idea better, or I am rejecting his, or he mine, is to table it, and look/wait for another way.

The biggest design one was we could not agree on the way to make a wall of cabinets, and tabled it, so long. He worked on the other wall, with the window seat cabinets instead, since the other wall ideas were stalled. Then months after, last month, we were watching Inspector Morse, and I saw VERY brief scene with a wall at Oxford that was EXACTLY the thing, and he agreed, drew up a design, and we both love it and are going with it. Its so exhilarating to arrive at a thing we are both enthusiastic about, a result of collaborating our strengths, which are different. We are both artistic, but he is orderly, mathematical, and I am lyrical. We both like balance of design, but I approach it completely differently, as in the composition of a painting, and just "knowing", while his is planned and logical. And certain overly-mathematical compositions I STRONGLY object to. [Sometime if anyone is interested I will explain about his quintifoil idea - our first design disagreement] ... Anyway, we always -eventually - arrive at something we BOTH think is right, and are both quite satisfied.

Maybe if I can figure out a way I will post somewhere the several scaled complete design ideas he drew up for this wall that gave us so much trouble, all the rejected designs, and finally what we are doing....

[Beautiful sky]

I might write more later but for now will just say - I don't see hate with my dh, only at times, yes, annoyance, annoyance with him just being who he is. Like explaining a thing too much like a professor giving a lecture. We do come to conflict, like over design (we are building a room with many aspects) and we are learning how to synthesize for sure. His SEI )self-type from quiz) granddaughter said, "You two are so funny. You argue, then you call each other dear." Yes, because the conflict is about the thing, the disagreement, and its not the person that annoys. And this from her was not a criticism; I could see our way made her feel secure and comfortable. Yes, we "dear" all day even just after arguing.

He is louder than me, and I don't like loud, and I tell him "I am not deaf", or if there is any strife in the arguing I turn my back and walk away and say, "I don't want to talk now. Lets talk later when you are not mad." He sees the real effect of "loud" and "strife" on me and he changes immediately - so he can continue if he is so motivated. And we continue the "fight" but with the gentler voices and less-strife that I need.

Anyway, and so we learn about each other, and the "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" that seemed so impossible to achieve with my ex (he was loud and had a major anger issue) has never been an issue here. Never a question. I am never annoyed at sundown, nor is he. The annoyance, maybe what VG calls "hate", doesn't last. I guess frankly I get my way a lot, but I feel so MUCH gratitude that I can express my full opinion on a thing, that my way matters, as I have never been able to before in my life, except in moments with friends, but not in day-to-day real life. And so I love him more, and want to please him who I love more and who pleases me.

A couples of times (design arguments - he is introducing an idea he arrived at alone and not giving me a chance to comment, and a negative comment is about to come out and he anticipates and rabbles on with his explanation and tries to overrule, saying, to acknowledge I am trying to say something, "I am going to win this one!" and I say, annoyed, "Why is it about winning?? Its about communicating and collaborating." And so we communicate. I get my way a lot, then I ask, was I not right? And I was. But if he truly does not like it I definitely don't push because I want him to be happywith the outcome. The solution when we both still like our idea better, or I am rejecting his or he mine, is to table it, and look for another way. We could not agree on the way to make a wall of cabinets, and tabled it, so long. He worked on the other wall, with the window seat cabinets instead. Then months after, last month, we were watching Inspector Morse, and I saw VERY brief seen with a wall at Oxford that was EXACTLY the thing, and he agreed, drew up a design, and we both love it and are going with it. Its so exhilarating to arrive at a thing we are both enthusiastic about, a result of collaborating our strengths, which are different. Maybe if I can figure out a way I will post somewhere the several complete design ideas he came up with for this wall, till we happily got there...

He should leave the design up to you. Doesn't he know better?

[Eliza Thomason]

He should leave the design up to you. Doesn't he know better?

Well, we both always designed without collaborating, both being the only designer in our families. But we both bring these design skills, and so we collaborate.

An art teacher friend of mine has an architect husband, not a dual, a good match though, and they were at odds with home design all the time and usually it took her giving in, as arriving at a compromise most of the time was too difficult. With two designers, its harder. Though I think its IMPORTANT for the husband to give in to the wife on this, and I think her husband was wrong here. He is a good guy in plenty other ways.

Yes, I would say in general home design is the wife's domain. Of course, you agree, when the husband is better at this, as in an architect, or more interested, his input is important. My EII friend with her SLE husband - she let him do it, MOSTLY, for compelling reasons. But there was the time he picked out kitchen backsplash tile without her - and installed it while she was out for the day - she got home as he and his buddy (that she did not like) were finishing the job. And that was her limit. She called me and asked me to help her PULL IT ALL OFF" quick, while it was wet and while he was out on a call... and I did...