ESI-ILE conflict relations (ISFj and ENTp)

[The Reality Denialist]

Very shortly:

ESI: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: It is very important to go with higher level concepts. It illustrates meaningful understanding at the most important level.

[MrsTortilla]

So I used to think my first boyfriend was my supervisor (ENFp), but the more I look into types and categorize people I know/have known, the more I understand socionics, etc., I have come to realize that this ex of mine was actually ENTp.

We had such a weird relationship.

He was the only partner I ever met via the internet, and it was back in 2001. A friend (ex-girlfriend of his) hooked us up, and we started innocently chatting online. We were both artists so we had that in common. He seemed different and as a creative type/painter/illustrator I thought he was interesting and talented. Strangely, when we soon started talking on the phone there was zero chemistry. I felt extremely unsettled by this at first, but thought about how great our chat interaction was and tried to improve the conversation by coming up with things to say. Still, our discussions would just pool to these very awkward silences. Talking with him did not feel natural. But we sort of started falling for each other over chat anyway (as lonely people can, even delusionally) and we finally decided to meet up.

I cannot describe what happened when he opened the door for the first time, with its full impact, but although he was an average looking guy and his apartment completely normal, when he smiled "Hello" I was SO turned off. Almost felt disgust. I just couldn't put my finger on it why I absolutely did NOT find him attractive. I wanted to run the other way, screaming. I was quite young though, and I felt guilty about these feelings of aversion. How could I be so shallow/unkind as to completely reject someone based on a quick physical reaction, after so much common ground through our chats?? So, I decided to get to know him better instead of just thinking of a nice way of rejecting him. It was strange... as much as I felt like he was not the right person for me to be with, I still felt compelled to "give it a try," and that impulse kept inching its way towards forming a romantic relationship. And once I let things get physical (I should never have), I then felt extra guilty. I had been raised very religiously and felt like, "Okay, now we have sinned together; I owe this person a relationship." As crazy as that may sound to others, that's what I decided was the right thing to do, and I was quite committed to the (bad) idea.

I ended up staying with this ILE for FOUR LONG YEARS. We had the most terrible fights, very little sexual chemistry, never understood each other, my Fi was overwhelming and even disturbing to him (emotions were too "heavy") and his eccentricity, lack of motivation to do "grown up" things, and his anger towards me (perhaps resentment I was not who he needed -- I look somewhat like an SEI and I'm sure that's subconsciously what he was expecting), were very upsetting to me. We were both very, very depressed during the relationship. We broke up many times and kept getting back together. It was odd because we both should've taken the breakups as gifts and just left it at that. I cannot say how many additional times I went over to his house to attempt to break up with him in those years, but it was many times. I would try but then take it back, not having the courage. I blame myself greatly for how long the relationship stretched out when it never should have begun.

Eventually, something I said was beyond upsetting to him -- I teased him about something he said on MySpace (2005) to another girl. I must have really touched a nerve, because he screamed at me and told me to get the fuck out of his house. He threw whatever belongings of mine were there out into the street. I left, and this time I was ready to never go back. I ended up feeling just incredibly relieved it was over, and I vowed this would be the last time. Turns out, it was.

A week later, this other INTp male friend of mine made me realize we were perfect for each other, and when the ILE came over to try to reconcile, professing plans to ask me to marry him, etc., it was far too late. The ILE believes to this day I cheated on him. I didn't.

Anyway, he made some strange requests after our final breakup. He wanted every gift he'd ever given me returned to him. Paintings, even love letters. I thought it was strange he considered those things HIS. Weren't they meant to be gifts?

The truth is, I was a little sad I would never see this ILE again, because by four years of being together, bad or good, you do care for the other person. But at the same time, I have never felt greater relief or happiness than when I was released from that terribly unhealthy conflictor match.