How to encourage a depressed SEI?

[Scientist]

If your friend is really SEI...

he might have to come to a place, psychologically, where he feels motivated to save himself.

That was my initial intention, but he has been seeking for that place for six years, waisting his precious health every minute and repeating that he needs more time to mentally prepare himself. I shouldn't be a passive observer any longer.

[mu4]

That was my initial intention, but he has been seeking for that place for six years, waisting his precious health every minute and repeating that he needs more time to mentally prepare himself. I shouldn't be a passive observer any longer.

It's better to ask for forgiveness vs permission. You should force the situation with his ex, mom, whatever. If it's been six years, it's not possible to simply sit back and watch. Also I would say that there maybe a codependency thing going on here where he is using this issue as a mechanism of control. It might be better to give a very firm response, and then get your self distance and watch what happens with the family.

[Scientist]

It's better to ask for forgiveness vs permission. You should force the situation with his ex, mom, whatever. If it's been six years, it's not possible to simply sit back and watch. Also I would say that there maybe a codependency thing going on here where he is using this issue as a mechanism of control. It might be better to give a very firm response, and then get your self distance and watch what happens with the family. If he's unwilling to reveal to his family/other people, this is perhaps a control mechanism he's using to keep you locked in codependency, blow up the secrecy and make sure everyone around him knows about it.

 

Also as I am a suspicious person, is the disease perhaps entirely fabricated? Do you actually have proof and have you spoken to his doctor?

I should probably give more detail then:

He told me that he might be sick about three years ago (the diagnostics was not completed so there was no certainty). I didn't take it seriously, thought he was just hypochondriac. To be honest I was sure that if someone is serious about stuff like that, they go to the doctor instead of just doing nothing. That's why I was not as persistent with sending him to the doctor. We kept having those conversations about finally seeing a doctor two- three times per year without any progress.

A year ago during my short-term visit I kicked him to do the lab tests which confirmed the condition. The disease is not fabricated, because I have sent him to the clinical lab where I used to work myself. So I actually received his test results with him and did the initial diagnostic interpretation (even though I'm a PhD, not MD). I hoped he was fine and getting lab work done would just bring him relief and we would both laugh at his paranoia. While I was still there, he started visiting a doctor (I have not talked to his doctor myself), but couple of months later (I was already back home) he discontinued.

no codependency. Though he has been sick for six years, I seriously "participated" in that process for only a year. I absolutely have no desire to solve all of his problems for him and constantly hold his hand. I have already started to distance myself from him and he knows it. Might be why he suddenly agreed to see the doctor. I want to do the final attempt to give him the push so that he restores control over his life. And if not, I'll still be his loving friend (probably not as close) and will work on accepting his choice.

[mu4]

I should probably give more detail then:

He told me that he might be sick about three years ago (the diagnostics was not completed so there was no certainty). I didn't take it seriously, thought he was just hypochondriac. To be honest I was sure that if someone is serious about stuff like that, they go to the doctor instead of just doing nothing. That's why I was not as persistent with sending him to the doctor. We kept having those conversations about finally seeing a doctor two- three times per year without any progress.

A year ago during my short-term visit I kicked him to do the lab tests which confirmed the condition. The disease is not fabricated, because I have sent him to the clinical lab where I used to work myself. So I actually received his test results with him and did the initial diagnostic interpretation (even though I'm a PhD, not MD). I hoped he was fine and getting lab work done would just bring him relief and we would both laugh at his paranoia. While I was still there, he started visiting a doctor (I have not talked to his doctor myself), but couple of months later (I was already back home) he discontinued.

no codependency. Though he has been sick for six years, I seriously "participated" in that process for only a year. I absolutely have no desire to solve all of his problems for him and constantly hold his hand. I have already started to distance myself from him and he knows it. Might be why he suddenly agreed to see the doctor. I want to do the final attempt to give him the push so that he restores control over his life. And if not, I'll still be his loving friend (probably not as close) and will work on accepting his choice.

Ok, I didn't want to make any assumptions here so I edited out my comment, sometimes I do have too much suspicion and offer too radical an option.

I think the distance(for certain types/individuals) is good because it presents some more tangible consequences for the self-harm and is not enabling of that behavior. I guess hope for the best.

[Scientist]

Ok, I didn't want to make any assumptions here so I edited out my comment, sometimes I do have too much suspicion and offer too radical an option.

Perfectly fine with me, Nothing offensive in your words

[Suz]

That was my initial intention, but he has been seeking for that place for six years, waisting his precious health every minute and repeating that he needs more time to mentally prepare himself. I shouldn't be a passive observer any longer.

Is this by any chance referring to mentally preparing himself for chemo or surgery or something like that? If so, i can definitely understand an SEI being concerned about pursuing treatment. He may feel fine in the present moment, and does not know if he wants to ruin his present feeling of wellbeing for a lower quality of life that (temporarily) comes with a treatment like that.

Actually it could apply to anyone, not just SEIs. It's a common sentiment patients have.

[Scientist]

Is this by any chance referring to mentally preparing himself for chemo or surgery or something like that? If so, i can definitely understand an SEI being concerned about pursuing treatment. He may feel fine in the present moment, and does not know if he wants to ruin his present feeling of wellbeing for a lower quality of life that (temporarily) comes with a treatment like that.

He does feel fine at the moment, no symptoms. Even his test results a year ago were all within the normal window. That might give him a false sense of safety. Thank you, Suz, I haven't thought about it but exhausting treatment with multiple adverse side effects which lasts his entire life span might seem a worse alternative to him at this point, since he has not started to experience physically the disease progression yet. Actually, this does sound like him

[Suz]

He does feel fine at the moment, no symptoms. Even his test results a year ago were all within the normal window. That might give him a false sense of safety. Thank you, Suz, I haven't thought about it but exhausting treatment with multiple adverse side effects which lasts his entire life span might seem a worse alternative to him at this point, since he has not started to experience physically the disease progression yet. Actually, this does sound like him

oh one other thought i had is that maybe something you can do is find him a support group with survivors of whatever condition it is that he has, and put him in touch with people who have gone through the treatment and are living awesome healthy lives now...