EIIs/INFjs and disappointment

[Emmym]

EIIs, do you find that you are constantly getting disappointed in people?

I have trouble reconciling people's actual actions with how I think they should act based on how they claim to feel, which always leaves me feeling like they don't truly care enough until they do something else that proves otherwise. This is a constant source of deep pain for me, which I'm afraid makes me come off as a grouch or someone that gets upset over "any little thing" (not little to me), when in reality it isn't anger but pain and disappointment instead.

I honestly try not to think like this, because it seems unfair to the other person. Other people should feel free being themselves without worrying that I'm going to act disappointed when they don't do what I want them to, lol. That said, I have an EII brother who is very much like this and it has caused a few fights. On his birthday, he refused to talk to either me or our mother when he didn't get the celebration he wanted, which neither of us could afford. I did my best, going out early in the morning to get things for him and taking the day off from work to spend with him. Needless to say, I was insulted.

Pretty much anytime we're out and he fails to get something he wants, or something he doesn't like occurs (which can be incredibly trivial, like the place we go to eat playing music by a singer he doesn't like, or having to pay for his meal when he was mysteriously under the impression that someone else was going to pay for him) he totally shuts down and stops acknowledging everyone. It'd led me to not want to go anywhere with him or invite him places. OTOH, if he doesn't get an invitation, he takes it personally, and later complains that no one cares about his feelings.

Sorry, I just wound up dumping a rant on you accidentally lol but this kind of behavior triggers my anxiety often. On one hand, I want to be considerate of other EIIs, but I usually feel that that consideration is taken for granted and I'm later "punished" if my efforts fall short of expectations. It's worth noting that my brother is a 4w5 and I'm a 2w3, so that might be part of the reason I can't stand it when he acts this way.

[purpleowl]

I honestly try not to think like this, because it seems unfair to the other person. Other people should feel free being themselves without worrying that I'm going to act disappointed when they don't do what I want them to, lol. That said, I have an EII brother who is very much like this and it has caused a few fights. On his birthday, he refused to talk to either me or our mother when he didn't get the celebration he wanted, which neither of us could afford. I did my best, going out early in the morning to get things for him and taking the day off from work to spend with him. Needless to say, I was insulted.

Pretty much anytime we're out and he fails to get something he wants, or something he doesn't like occurs (which can be incredibly trivial, like the place we go to eat playing music by a singer he doesn't like, or having to pay for his meal when he was mysteriously under the impression that someone else was going to pay for him) he totally shuts down and stops acknowledging everyone. It'd led me to not want to go anywhere with him or invite him places. OTOH, if he doesn't get an invitation, he takes it personally, and later complains that no one cares about his feelings.

Sorry, I just wound up dumping a rant on you accidentally lol but this kind of behavior triggers my anxiety often. On one hand, I want to be considerate of other EIIs, but I usually feel that that consideration is taken for granted and I'm later "punished" if my efforts fall short of expectations. It's worth noting that my brother is a 4w5 and I'm a 2w3, so that might be part of the reason I can't stand it when he acts this way.

Your brother's behavior is very far from what I was referring to here and I do not relate to it at all. I have nearly zero expectations of that kind and material things interest me very little, definitely not nearly enough to place any focus on them. I am actually quite the opposite to your brother in that sense, very easy-going and actually preferring for someone else to take the initiative in those matters, finding myself content as long as I am with someone I feel a strong and positive connection with.

[Emmym]

Your brother's behavior is very far from what I was referring to here and I do not relate to it at all. I have nearly zero expectations of that kind and material things interest me very little, definitely not nearly enough to place any focus on them. I am actually quite the opposite to your brother in that sense, very easy-going and actually preferring for someone else to take the initiative in those matters, finding myself content as long as I am with someone I feel a strong and positive connection with.

The example was material, but it still represents the attitude many EIIs have, which is that they have the right to independently determine exactly what others' words and actions mean FOR them, and from that point on, to dictate how others are obligated to treat them and silently punish those who disappoint. It seems like a shortcoming of having contact rather than inert Ne. Ultimately, the right answer is usually to try and be more fair, or cut the person loose if you feel that you can't be, based on what both parties separately regard as fairness. I recently had to cut an ILE loose because I realized that the values I was measuring her against would never be hers, and should never be hers. They were my values, and though they were perfect for me, expecting her to recognize and uphold them would be like trying to squeeze someone into clothes that were too small.


And for all of this, EIIs don't always regulate their own behavior. Even here, I've seen EIIs become icy and defensive when their own hostility or rudeness was pointed out.


Sorry, I'm not trying to accuse you or lump this all on you, I just felt like bringing it up because it's something I see all the time and it's almost never openly discussed. Maybe that's because everyone is painfully aware and my Se-polr is too stupid to realize, lol.

[purpleowl]

The example was material, but it still represents the attitude many EIIs have, which is that they have the right to independently determine exactly what others' words and actions mean FOR them, and from that point on, to dictate how others are obligated to treat them and silently punish those who disappoint. It seems like a shortcoming of having contact rather than inert Ne. Ultimately, the right answer is usually to try and be more fair, or cut the person loose if you feel that you can't be, based on what both parties separately regard as fairness. I recently had to cut an ILE loose because I realized that the values I was measuring her against would never be hers, and should never be hers. They were my values, and though they were perfect for me, expecting her to recognize and uphold them would be like trying to squeeze someone into clothes that were too small.


And for all of this, EIIs don't always regulate their own behavior. Even here, I've seen EIIs become icy and defensive when their own hostility or rudeness was pointed out.


Sorry, I'm not trying to accuse you or lump this all on you, I just felt like bringing it up because it's something I see all the time and it's almost never openly discussed. Maybe that's because everyone is painfully aware and my Se-polr is too stupid to realize, lol.

This is true, yet I don't feel the need to adjust my expectations based on this. Having them is a fundamental part of who I am. It is a matter, like you said, of realizing who can fit in them and who can't and having the courage to cut them loose if necessary.

Edit: I am also a 4w5, fwiw (since you mentioned that about your brother)