Originally Posted by Maritsa
I think, most of my family and friends would agree, that I'm pretty docile and that I have the tendency to rationalize people's behaviors and feel differently than what Ej types may, which would be to say "you're an ass hole so I'm going to be this way with you and I don't need to hear or think otherwise, which also allows people to see on the surface, and even to make formulas which would allow them to be linear in their approach such are LSE. Thus I have a tendency to not stick up. Give you an example. We went out for dinner today and the waitress seemed distant and wasn't giving us what we asked for for several times. My bf already determined that she was not a good waiter and that she wasn't doing her job therefore we weren't going to tip her and that was the end of it. I tried to reason with him. I said "you don't know where she's coming from; she could be tired, she could be intimidated by you; she could be listening to you but not hearing you." He had a formula already made up of "who deserves what when and according to what action." I could not break through to him. I tried to sneak in the tip because I gave her the benefit. There was a slight chance that the waitress was a terrible waitress but I wasn't going to oversee all the other things that could have been going on with her. My bf flew off the handle at me for not sticking to his decision. I tried to explain why and he didn't care. He had already determined X, and being linear, he was going to follow through with that. I let him because there's no point in arguing. I told him that I feel for her and what that few dollars would mean to her he said he'd been there and he understands but she didn't do her job so she shouldn't expect to get that tip…explained what tip was for etc. I told him I felt for her and he said "you should be feeling for me" lol I said that I did and I felt good that dinner was satisfying for him and that was what was most important. LSE are not good with people, it does do them well to take the advice of their dual
It's so funny to me that you're so willing to call this dysfunctional, so you must think all Te types are since they make formulas to judge people and their actions and cut people off even when those formulas are not announced to the other party…that is exactly what's happened in the past to so many people who meet Te types. This is why they are not good with people. So you think all Te types are dysfunctional if you think that this behavior is dysfunctional?Hmm, I have been following this thread not knowing what to make of it. Some of the statements you make of LSE - like being harsh, controlling and especially demanding are not consistent with my LSE "big brother" - the eldest of us 4 - who I totally sure is LSE and fits the descriptions of the various authors. One thing I am wondering is if your bf is not LSE. However, your comfort level is really there, so maybe he is, and its just the way you describe LSE that is not resonating with me. (I do feel he is not SLE, though - phew! - because if he was, the conflicts would have started by now).
My LSE brother is very independent and hardworking; always was. One of my early memories is our family renting a cottage with a private pond with a dock. My LSE brother was off by himself all the time, finding frogs, or fishing in a stream, and my SLI brother and I hung out floating on the pond or exploring the land. When my LSE brother joined us he was always in the lead, and always challenging me to do what they were doing, canonballs and chiding me into diving when I didn't want to. My brothers were all in scouts and LSE was the only one who made Eagle and there was never any question he would. He was industrious, always completing his homework or any task he was asked to do with no nagging. And he would do it well, like when we all did yard work I might dawdle; he was always moving, and would nag us to move, too. I guess he was the eldest child any parent would want!
As an adult he just happily forged on ahead accomplishing. He was not a straight A student but he got good grades, in challenging classes, and a good engineering degree. He has two jobs, his full-time engineering one and his many hours as a "pyrotechnic" and then serious exercising, like triathlon-related stuff. He raised his kids to be independent, too. They all are. He is bossy, I guess, but he can handle no. I have gotten mad at him for insensitivity sometimes, but not often and it does not last long. I have also made suggestions (not often, just sometimes) on how to be more considerate in how he says or does a thing, and he is always open to the suggestions, even seems to value it. He is always doing industrious things, like after a long days work and hard exercising spending half the night at a friends house helping his fix his motorcycle. Then getting up very early Saturday morning because that his favorite time to go to the farm market. And work all day on things like repairs at his rental, and making a dinner from all fresh foods from scratch for family and or friends.
I agree with @Kim's concerns, and also @Aylen that it seems he is controlling. Like the waitress example. I guess what I like about my SLI and I is that we can both passionately say we don't like this or things shouldn't be done that way, and we are both okay with the other not liking something. Like Kim and Aylen, I had experience with someone trying to control me and I know its not healthy and right. However, I realize we may be projecting our experience on you. Because you are not annoyed by it, and do not feel oppressed. Furthermore, the three of us are "P" vs. "J" and we just like openness and keeping our options open more. I think "P''s need some more space. "J"'s like to be more decisive and too much open-endedness is not as comfortable as it is to us. I think of my EII sis-in-law and all the tolerance I have seen her have for her SLE husband taking an insensitive lead on so many things. But for the most part (when she is not REALLY MAD about a thing he did) she is very tolerant of it, and I think she sort of actually likes the security of having him decide things for them. She is happy to "go along".
I think your words that you are using to describe your LSE are putting off alarms. How you mean it is not what is registering in our minds. "Controlling" and "demanding" - these are typical red-alerts for dysfunctional, the kind of dysfunction that people choose to live in, ignoring or justifying their own feelings inside that something is not right, and then over time realize they are beginning to go crazy because of it, and have been diminished and demeaned. But "take-charge, knows-his-mind, has strong opinions, prefers to be take the lead and "appreciates a team-member who wants to jump on board" - those descriptors are less "alarming" - and may be more what you really mean.
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