Life has control, you need to get up at a certain time to attend work, need to pay rent by a certain date of the month. May not be what you mean but taking it from the individual and moving to the societal and global position, is control really disfunctional? Life is dysfunctional? Individual control therefore also?Originally Posted by Kim
This is good stuff and I'm glad it works for you, but honestly to me it seems like I'd be fooling myself constantly by practicing this expectations removal. I would feel like I am putting myself in a constant state of denial. Also, I don't feel comfortable with not having expectations. They are painful, yes, but they serve a purpose: to be my measuring stick for how others feels. I guess I see it as too much of an intrinsic part of who I am to separate it from myself or even control it.It has taken me years of practice and therapy. Apathy is definitely not a state I can or want to sustain so I try to avoid it too but it creeps up on me. One thing that works for me is to notice the expectation and that takes practice. It is easier to detach when I notice it is just my expectation and not part of some greater truth that someone should be a certain way or do a certain thing because I want them to and have built it up in my own mind, so the world should revolve around me, which was an underlying belief that was influencing my perception. Not saying it is like that for you.
If I feel disappointed by someone now I have no one to blame but myself. I am pretty good at seeing just how people will disappointment me if I don't let go of my expectations. Sometimes it is more wishful thinking on my part that leaves me disappointed and I can see it for what it is and separate that from the person.
Edit: The way I was taught was to pay attention for a whole day and just notice each time I had an expectation, no matter how small. Like in a restaurant. Do I expect to be seated right away? If I am not and I get restless I just remind myself that I expected things to go one way and they didn't. That's life. After a while noticing was more automatic.
If my family/friend/partner does nothing for my birthday or even forgets. I remember I wasn't expecting anything anyway....at least I thought I wasn't considering I made a big deal out of people NOT doing something for my bday or whatever. Why would I let myself feel disappointed after I clearly said I didn't want all that fuss. This is where underlying beliefs influence and where I start to notice. On my bday everyone forgets and I find myself feeling sorry for myself. I still had somewhat of an expectation that if they cared they would do something anyway. Even though I didn't want a party I did want to know they care.
Most people are not mind readers. I tell them to do nothing and they take that at face value. Yet I held the expectation that a caring person would have done it anyway. It is a bit of a mind game. If I want something, first I have to figure out what I really want then state it clearly to others. I can't passively hope they will know what is in my heart and mind if I don't. So really it is about communication and knowing what you want out of your relationships with others.
Because I can't see him choosing my friends for me? LOL Um, okay....
That isn't what I said. I said he protects you from people who use you.
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Dual type(as per tcaudilllg)
Enneagram 5 (wings either 4 or 6)?
I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE
Best description of functions:
http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html
I am talking about someone trying to control someone else's life. It is dysfunctional if my partner tries to take control over my friendships or tells me how to dress or how to behave.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
You seem to tell people how to behave a lot, don't describe a woman as a sex machine for instance lol.
OK of course we aren't dating but I find it hard to believe you wouldn't 'tell' a partner how to behave for instance, so no offence but do you see yourself as dysfunctional in such a situation?
I didn't tell you not to do that. I just said how I feel about using such a term. If I had been controlling, I would have tried to make you not use the term, which I didn't do. You are free to use that term and I am free to express my opinion about it. Wishing that you didn't use it is not controlling behavior.
I have tried to control a partner's behavior, yes, but not because I generally tell people what to do (I don't), but because it was a dysfunctional relationship. So yes, I was absolutely dysfunctional then. Under normal circumstances, my partner can do/wear/say what he likes (within reason) and might express my opinion about it, but I won't tell him what to do or not do.OK of course we aren't dating but I find it hard to believe you wouldn't 'tell' a partner how to behave for instance, so no offence but do you see yourself as dysfunctional in such a situation?
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
Yeah there is always some sort of control. It makes me wonder who is to decide that which is dysfunctional or not.
You don't think it's dysfunctional for a partner to take control over your friendships (beyond offering advice if they are not healthy friendships) or to tell you how to look or what to wear and expect you to do as you are told?
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
I think it's dysfunctional for me but is it dysfunctional for Maritsa or someone else.
You're being controlling if you are telling someone else that it is dysfunctional for them.
When it comes to advice, isn't advice implied control? ie if a partner doesn't follow 'advice' enough they risk being dumped, so I think advice and orders don't necessarily have too much of a difference.
I think, most of my family and friends would agree, that I'm pretty docile and that I have the tendency to rationalize people's behaviors and feel differently than what Ej types may, which would be to say "you're an ass hole so I'm going to be this way with you and I don't need to hear or think otherwise, which also allows people to see on the surface, and even to make formulas which would allow them to be linear in their approach such are LSE. Thus I have a tendency to not stick up. Give you an example. We went out for dinner today and the waitress seemed distant and wasn't giving us what we asked for for several times. My bf already determined that she was not a good waiter and that she wasn't doing her job therefore we weren't going to tip her and that was the end of it. I tried to reason with him. I said "you don't know where she's coming from; she could be tired, she could be intimidated by you; she could be listening to you but not hearing you." He had a formula already made up of "who deserves what when and according to what action." I could not break through to him. I tried to sneak in the tip because I gave her the benefit. There was a slight chance that the waitress was a terrible waitress but I wasn't going to oversee all the other things that could have been going on with her. My bf flew off the handle at me for not sticking to his decision. I tried to explain why and he didn't care. He had already determined X, and being linear, he was going to follow through with that. I let him because there's no point in arguing. I told him that I feel for her and what that few dollars would mean to her he said he'd been there and he understands but she didn't do her job so she shouldn't expect to get that tip…explained what tip was for etc. I told him I felt for her and he said "you should be feeling for me" lol I said that I did and I felt good that dinner was satisfying for him and that was what was most important. LSE are not good with people, it does do them well to take the advice of their dual
It's so funny to me that you're so willing to call this dysfunctional, so you must think all Te types are since they make formulas to judge people and their actions and cut people off even when those formulas are not announced to the other party…that is exactly what's happened in the past to so many people who meet Te types. This is why they are not good with people. So you think all Te types are dysfunctional if you think that this behavior is dysfunctional?
Last edited by Beautiful sky; 01-31-2015 at 07:26 AM.
Dual type
Enneagram 5 (wings either 4 or 6)?
I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE
Best description of functions:
http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html
“My typology is . . . not in any sense to stick labels on people at first sight. It is not a physiognomy and not an anthropological system, but a critical psychology dealing with the organization and delimitation of psychic processes that can be shown to be typical.” —C.G. Jung
Oh and Maritsa, you are not 'docile.' You are passive-aggressive. There's a big difference.
I'm not hating on you for it or anything, (I find it amusing and I actually prefer it to aggressive-aggressive people) But c'mon...
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