SELF-PRESERVATION
- Do you sensitively respond to your body's needs? When you experience discomfort do you take care to promptly eliminate its source?
With both of these I tend to be avoidant and respond only when things cross a threshold into totally intolerable, when it would be logical to notice and resolve them earlier.
- What is your relationship with food - buying, preparing, eating? Do you monitor your nutrition? Do you invest time into food preparation and purchasing exactly the food that meets your dietary requirements?
I go through phases of interest in cooking, nutrition, etc. It began when I needed to cook more, living in a rural area and having a kid. I love certain kinds of food. Other times I totally ignore food.
It’s often hard to make myself eat – it feels like an obligation and a burden. Though I understand nutrition as a science reasonably well, no one would conclude I have a proper diet.
- How important is your home? How much time and effort have you invested in arranging your living space? Do you decorate/personalize your living space? Do you often fantasize about a perfect home? How important is order and cleanliness of your living space to you? How cozy is your current living environment?
My home is extremely important to me. It’s hard for me to live in a place that feels ugly or is poorly arranged. I've worked hard to get better in this area, bc when I was younger I sucked at it.
I’d love to have a perfect home. Order/cleanliness is not my strongest suit—I care about it, especially because I’m the only person in my household who pays any attention to it. I've built up objective knowledge about it. I carry too much burden there. The only way to get things seriously clean is to hire someone to clean.
My home is not cozy, nor austere. I care more about the visuals, and flow, and I dislike clutter though it builds up anyhow bc I live in a city apt. I don’t like ugly things that happen to be squishy or whatnot.
- How important is security for you? Do you regularly devote time and effort into securing and stabilizing your life?
I’m terrible at this. So terrible I don't even know how to answer, bc I don't know how to do that. Whatever stability I achieve happens without me being deliberate about it.
If I don't get better at this, I'm probably going to be in trouble.
- Do you carefully manage your savings? Do you often think about your income? What is enough? Is salary a major part in your consideration of a job? Do you follow deals and offers that would allow you to save some money?
I’m cutting into my savings too much atm as I consider my options and give some energy to my family.
I worry about money but have often worked for less than I probably should or could make. I went into book publishing because I loved books and literature, not because it’s a high-paying industry. I can’t be bothered to follow deals and offers, but it’s fun to shop in secondhand places etc. and find an unexpected treasure.
- Do you take care of your health? Are you up to date in your health care appointments with doctors, dentists, etc? Do you go to the gym or track you caloric intake?
I’m terrible about these things, phobic concerning doctors of all kinds, way behind on checkups, and really need to change that. I take dance classes--I find the gym boring and intimidating. I don't want to be looked at when I exercise, either. I don’t track calories, but I’m aware of my caloric intake in a general sense because I’ve tried it before.
SEXUAL
- Is it easy to spark your interest? Do you often fell interested, invigorated, impassioned by someone or something (e.g. a hobby, subject, or pursuit)?
I follow one new thing after another, intensely interested and excited and consumed. It's almost comical at this point. Or tragic, depending on how you look at it. My friends say they like it because I'm always introducing them to some new thing.
Some of these interests I hold on to, others not. It’s harder for me to continue when the initial excitement of discovery fades.
The thing that can keep me going here is to find I’m really good at something and experience personal successes, because that meets a basic need--feeling competent at something.
One problem is I’ve been reasonably good at a lot of things, which sounds self-aggrandizing, I suppose, but I don’t mean it that way. Rather, I tend to reach an intermediate level at something quickly and easily, and then hit a ceiling. The only area where that’s not true is probably language stuff, but I still have a lot more to learn there. I’d like to develop real mastery of something and am not sure I can.
- Is it easy for you to home in to that which has sparked your interest? Do you feel like your life is in some way directed by these feelings?
Uh, yeah, see the preceding response. Shifting of passions messes up my life and distracts me, and I’d really like to learn to just focus steadily on one thing.
For a pretty long time I was able to focus reasonably well in the book industry, but editorial work is no longer a true challenge. It's also not a healthy industry, and good opportunities are few.
And, lacking major enthusiasm for it, I need to move on and am struggling to pick something because I’m pulled in a lot of different directions.
I’m kind of getting paralyzed by this problem and feeling hopelessly at the mercy of it. I’ve gotten overwhelmed and burned out, chasing new interests, and now I don't know what to do, which thing/s to pursue daily.
- Is being attractive to others an important quality for you? Do you easily spot attractions between other people?
I’m very sensitive to looking attractive enough, kind of paranoid about it, and spend a lot of time thinking about it. That’s not to say I always look awesome, but I do try.
I read fashion magazines and books about how to dress well and the history of fashion, watch fashion and makeover shows, seek out the perfect hairstylist, encourage other people in the same areas. I find often they have given up on looking attractive, because, for example, they’re not at an ideal weight or have inadvertently been buying clothes that fit them poorly.
Regarding attractions between other people, that depends. If this means purely sexual attractions, most of my friends are married, so I only notice whether they seem attracted to their partners in a lot of cases. If they’re attracted to other ppl, they might hide it somewhat.
But if this question means, do I notice if people are neutrally attracted to versus repulsed by one another, yes.
For example, recently I was in a workshop where two British women were seated next to each other in our circle. One of them was threatened by the other and made subtle but nasty comments putting her down. My eyes popped moderately and I almost said something about it, and looking around the room I noticed that the exchange didn’t seem to register for anyone else.
I keep track of these dynamics because it feels kind of natural to do it, and I think not doing so would make me anxious, a bit lost. I also want people to feel included, unless there’s some serious reason why they can’t be, but that’s not often. And in that case, I hope they are still included somewhere else.
- How often do you share your personal experiences and preferences with others in conversation? Do you feel at ease when connecting to someone on an emotional/personal basis? Do you feel like you need to disclose some personal information in order to relate to someone?
Here I think I used to err on the side of tmi if I like the other person or people I spoke with, even if I wasn't close to them. I’ve tried to change that. Because I think I was making ppl uncomfortable, and I think it sounded like bragging, too.
I’m forthcoming about some things that other people would not discuss and kind of do it pointedly, because I think those topics should not be taboo. Such as the shitty parts of being a parent, the degree to which my kids are brats and how I get resigned to it, how mothers treat one another like shit. And frank discussion of sexual practices (toys, rough play, anal, bdsm, etc.), because I think these things should be normalized and they’re interesting in themselves.
I have no idea how to get close to someone without letting them into my private world, including the painful parts, and I likewise want to know what makes them tick, what it’s like to live in their world, in their skin. I want to be there for them. I’m glad that at least sometimes, I have been.
- Do you easily discern emotional stimuli and motivations of others?
Uh yes, I think so. This question is vague.
Emotional stimuli, such as artistic creations designed precisely to stimulate emotions, are one of my biggest passions. I get extremely upset (too upset) at how currently it’s so hard to find live performances with meaningful and relevant emotional content. It’s easy to find human robots onstage and pay 100+ bucks for the privilege.
I’m sensitive to other people’s emotional displays, it’s more an Achilles heel than a boon sometimes. I analyze the shit out of the whys and hows of other people’s behavior, especially when it seems erratic or abnormal or has hurt someone or just confused them, or me.
I like to add to my knowledge base of human behavior, because it becomes easier to recognize patterns, which I suppose makes me feel more safe in a way, but it’s interesting for its own sake.
- Can you easily tell when someone is flirting with you? Do you often flirt? Do people have trouble telling when you are being just friendly and when you are expressing interest in them?
I can’t always tell when someone is flirting with me, sometimes yes, sometimes no. I’m more aware of serious attractions, not light ones like “Gee, you’re cute.” I half hope ppl are NOT flirting, so I will ignore it, reason being I have been in a committed relationship nonstop for a long time, no downtime at all there, and I don’t want to be tempted to cheat.
I want to hold myself back from flirting, but the interest sort of leaks out. I cross the line because once in a while I find someone so magnetic I can’t help it, and it’s unsettling to me. I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship or hurt my partner. So I try to keep this area clear and err on the side of friendly versus flirting and sometimes don’t succeed.
I also don’t exactly relish being rejected. But when I’ve been briefly unattached, and before I was into classic serial monogamy, I guess I didn’t let that stop me from flirting. I was actually more likely to try to engage someone really closely, to kind of zero in on them, rather than lightly flirt, and some ppl liked that and others didn’t respond well.
[B]- What role does sexuality play in your life? Do you find it easy to openly talk about sexual topics? [/B
There's no such thing to me as a real primary relationship without incredible sex as the foundation. Right now I will talk about sexual stuff in a more general sense, but I take my cue in talking about my sex life from how I think my partner would react to that.
My husband, who is a private person and not so easy for just anyone to get to know, might not love it if I talk to certain people about our sex life, and he’d definitely not like it if I discussed it on the internet or in more general company. Because of the field he works in, and the issues we both have with custody shit, he’s super security-minded.
In the relationship I was in before I met him, I talked all the time about our sex life and I expect it was obnoxious. In my former marriage, no, my ex was stuffy and uptight as hell and not very sensual in the first place as time went on. He would have been appalled. But otoh, I eventually got so sexually frustrated and troubled that I carefully found ppl to discuss that with, ppl I could talk to such that I knew it wouldn’t get back to him.
Social
- Do you seek to come in contact with people? Are you open? Do you strive to become acquainted with and be known to everyone in your group?
I have a problem right now with my lack of social connections in NY and my lack of motivation or self-confidence in remedying that situation. I used to be pretty open, and now I’m not. I’ve defaulted to distrusting people.
Though I like being in a group, usually one driven by some kind of shared creative or work interest, I watch for the people I can connect with in a special, deeper way and have over time collected friends by doing this, people I really love, who feel like family to me. People I wish I could be with all the time, but my ruptures and reinventions and wanderings have made that impossible. Thinking about that too much will make me cry. A lot of loss.
- When moving to a new place how important is it for you to make new friends? Do you feel like you have a social support network?
When I lived in Austin I had a lot of friends, again several close friends I connected with regularly, and pleasant social relations outside that inner sphere.
And it was easy to make friends there, as other people were open. I recognized that they were more naturally open than I was, and appreciated how that helped balance me out. I got used to their friendliness and straightforwardness. They meant what they said.
So when I moved to a small town in California, and I tried right away, stupidly optimistic, to make new friends, I was taken aback at how difficult it was, how unfriendly people were. It hurt. I was lonely.
I’ve still never replaced the social world I used to have . . . it took a long time to put it together and I think I was sort of lucky to be able to find these people I really love/d and felt so close to. In California I made one really close friend in my stupid town, and some awesome friends in the Bay Area because I went there for some arts-related things.
Abroad I made friends via my then-bf and I let go of those ties when the relationship ended, as they were his ppl. Other travels were done as a member of a touring group and I wasn't in any one place long enough to create strong bonds.
My friend in the small town is currently dying from cancer, and it’s weighing on me heavily that I’m not there for her. It’s such a helpless feeling. In NY I have made one very close friend, a couple of less close ones, and some I’d like to know better. But we’re all so busy, and it’s hard to travel around within the city. Frankly, I’m really lonely again. I guess that’s why I’ve been hanging out on the forum lately.
- Do you experience a sense of belonging to a community? Are you engaged with social issues? Are you a member of any organized groups? What role or position do you usually play in groups?
I’m not a member of any community, really, I’ve had some negative experiences in that regard and am cagey about it. I might like to be more community-esque, I’m not sure.
I care about social issues but don’t do anything tangible toward them right now, I feel discouraged here, and cynical.
No organized groups per se, but I take some classes / trainings, and those are temporarily organized, and my position depends on the overall dynamic.
If everyone is really inhibited or dour, I might try to enliven the proceedings. If people don’t grasp the material and I do, I try to forward the intellectual aspect of things. If everyone is kind of equal, then I focus on taking my equal place. If I don’t know what the fuck is going on, I keep mum and pay close attention so I can learn. And so on.
I don't always want to be in charge of a whole endeavor daily, but I like to manage projects. I like to give them a chance to maximize their creativity, make something awesome, it's like managing creative contributions rather than people per se.
- Do you easily notice when people behave in an inconsiderate, imprudent, discourteous, untactful manner? Does this bother you even if they aren't related to you?
Yes, I do. It bothers me extremely. I will say something about it usually, or do something about it if I can, even if I am the only one who gives a shit. Or maybe especially then. I used to keep quiet about it.
Example: I was walking down the sidewalk at night in my neighborhood, and a woman, wearing a wedding dress and veil, had a baby in a stroller and a squawling +/- four-year-old beside her, and she was looking for a particular restaurant. Probably her reception was there.
She was Asian and her English wasn’t very good. She was asking ppl for directions and no one was helping her.
These three drunken bitches started mocking her openly because they thought it was sooooo fucking funny that she was a bride with little kids. I watched this scene a moment and said loudly to the three women something like, “There’s nothing funny here, so if you’re not going to help her, keep moving.” It just really pissed me off. Then someone approached the bride to help her out before I did.
- Are you sensitive to being socially ostracized? Is it important for you to be accepted by your peers? Is it important to you that your partner is acceptable to your friends and family?
I am sensitive to being ostracized, but otoh, I experienced that a lot growing up and am kind of used to not fitting in too well. So I don’t expect to be accepted, it would be nice, it’s nice when it does happen.
I do care if my partner is acceptable to my friends and family, but it’s more the other way around, I feel protective toward my partner, or close friends, and I expect my family or other friends to be accepting and welcoming toward them.
- Do you engage in discussions of socially relevant topics (e.g. human rights, social contracts, justice and fairness, cultural and religious themes, political systems, recent news and events)?
Yes. I’m not the most informed here but was married to someone who was super into politics, and I interned once for a political magazine, so I’ve picked up a lot of stuff, I’ve paid close attention sporadically.
Again, I’m cynical and don’t think I can make a difference, but I will speak up when I think something is shitty or someone is being oppressive with their beliefs etc. I recently decided to share more information and talk more about political things because I’m alarmed at how things are going in the U.S. politically. I talk about the things that trouble me.
I have a bit of hope that if enough people contribute a little toward progressive politics, maybe things can start to shift. Maybe eventually, or in response to enough awful B.S., people will even aggressively take back some of their rights from the corporate interests that amorally-to-immorally do harm. I’d like to see that happen, even if it’s ugly. We barely have a government anymore--we are more the property and pawns of big business.
- Do you follow the news? Do you keep aware of what is happening with your friends and distant relatives, in your community, country, worldwide?
I follow the news selectively.
I don’t like the way it’s presented. Good journalism is a dying craft. Media currently work to trigger fear and hook you that way. They’re not independent enough; that's not a new thing, and it’s getting worse. I’ve recently met a guy who is in charge of a big paid-content section in The Economist, a bunch of quasi-journalistic stuff paid for by a private company. It’s hard to tell on their website that it’s paid content. More and more journalists are turning to that kind of work because it’s what’s available.
I’m not keeping well abreast of developments with my friends and family right now, a source of guilt.
Originally Posted by Agni
this is coming from such a non-Sx place which however needs to prove some form of personal validity, that I don't even wanna.
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