How do you experience your hidden agenda

[Aylen]

An overwhelming desire to put a puzzle together and make sense of it. I collect the pieces and see the connections... I mentally file some things to put them in order later but never seem to have enough time to focus on doing that, so I sporadically work on my system... some people can't even begin to make sense of it in a logical manner.

For an example I download my photos, online images and music to the same two or three folders on my desktop... always intending to take the time to really get it organized, which happens maybe twice a year. There are over a thousand songs and images I have been meaning to organize but there are also thousands I managed to organize... it took years. I tend to take in more info/material than I am capable of dealing with... somehow when I need it I just kinda know where to look, whether it is on a website, a book or on one of my computers...I do lose things too because of my "method". I am constantly writing down fragments of stories, poems, insights, epiphanies here and there that I am sure that I will finish at some point. Sometimes they are written so illegibly I can't figure out what I was doing or saying. Sometimes I feel my mental processes are too fast for me to physically keep up with. Eventually I do put together the larger pieces and it resembles a whole puzzle but I also want to know how these individual puzzles work together to make one large puzzle. I get flashes of how it looks all the time but not in a way I can coherently explain.

I have been in a bad mood all day because somebody told me my desktop screen looked like chaos and suggested I should organize the mess before I do anymore of my "creative stuff". Then they went on to say, "it must be very interesting in your head", sarcastically. I am not 100% sure if I am even describing what you are asking for but this is what came to mind.

 

I don't hold grudges but every time I look at them I want to start throwing all the books I have surrounding me at them. They could have offered to help me do it instead and I would have taken it better than the insinuation that my system is inferior and I am a mess (my interpretation). I did not detect a bit of playfulness in their tone either even though they were smiling and then to add insult to injury they said, relax, I'm teasing" when I told them to fuck off me. I hate being told to relax when I am working on something important to me. They might as well have said, "everything you do is meaningless and you should be more useful/productive to society."

I am too agitated today...

Heh, by the time I finished writing this another person, noticing my intensity, said, 'hey, center yourself" then they took exaggerated deep breaths and we started laughing about it. It is all in the intention and delivery. My mood has lifted.