Conflicting quadra relations; longterm, your feelings and their effects on you

[betterthan]

Is your mom the LSE, dad the SLI?

I only ask to clarify because your mom sounds similar to my LSE mother in law (whom I love dearly), in how she micro manages and seems to almost speak in a condescending manner at times, as if preaching how to solve things without truly understanding their complexity. (No offense against LSEs, I'm sure it's not always the case) Perfect example: She even tries to tell her son (my husband), that it shouldn't be hard to calm a child when holding a drill and preparing to fill a cavity, and that she could do it very easily. She even asked to be phoned to come over next time it happens. That comes across as condescending, hurtful, and controlling, as if she doesn't think he's truly tried time and time and time again.

So I completely understand your frustrations with this. I'm really happy that you're realizing your potential, and tuning in to your internal rhythm to find what truly lights you up and engages your many strengths

As for your dad- the quote about your sister being his biggest mistake. Was this said in the heat of the moment? Naturally, I'd be extremely upset and would quite possibly never forget this if it had been directed at me or a sibling. Has he ever apologized or owned up to it? If he's SLI, I wonder if it was said as means of venting something in which he felt guilt or regret about. Almost as if dodging pain by associating it with your sister. Either way, that's so heart breaking I hope you both are able to come to terms with whatever emotion might have influenced that, because nobody should feel like a mistake, and I'm sure your sister is incredibly talented and wonderful.

As for SLI impulsion and anger- my husband (who is SLI) and I had a discussion the other day that led me to think he would prefer me to vent and explode in anger, and let go of what was bothering me. But my greatest fear is saying something that I will regret, and thus I hold my tongue (and sometimes stew on things much longer than I should). At the same time, if we were ever to have an argument that was explosive and involved him saying something hurtful, it would be equally difficult for me to get over that. I linger on words more than I should, I suppose. Maybe an SLI can shed some light on this.

It's great that at the end of the day you can appreciate family from a distance. I'm certain your sister will come around to the same conclusions. When does she move out for college?

Wow, your post really filled me with a deep sense of empathy for my parents. Thank you for helping me to understand them <3. I think sometimes I approach things with anger because I am afraid to be hurt or feel hurt.

That scenario sounds *just* like my mum actually. Yes, she is the LSE and my dad SLI. Yeah, preaching about how to solve things but not realizing their complexity...very true. I really wish she had a delta nf who could discuss that in such a way with her.

May I mention, the way I have to deal with my SLE boyfriend is so directly opposed from the way that seems best to deal with delta st's, in your example; like all the understanding and kindness you seem to have. I previously tried to use that approach with my boyfriend, who could be very hurtful. He has grown so much and I am really proud of him; but my approach in dealing with him had to become a lot harder and tougher. I'm not sure if that is fi, but which ever delta st's have you in their life, they are incredibly lucky.

Thanks for your understanding and support - it does feel really good to experience life like that now

Thank you, I wish she had someone that could believe in her like that and understand her.

Yeah, I think you're definitely getting it when you say he probably felt hurt or guilty. My dad often comments that he feels really bad for having an affair when we were young children and leaving my mum and us for another woman; I think he may feel guilty for being a 'bad dad' as he says and he may have felt like my sister dropping out of school demonstrated that and maybe that was very painful for him and so he said what he did. I think my parents are good people with social consiences, but that these get twisted because they are quite neurotic.

It makes me feel really sad for my parents, . It makes me feel as though there is not anyone who can truly understand them. I do see they feel often unvalued, unsupported; nobody to truly appreciate them in the way that people of their quadra would. I do wish I could help them and have before, but being a beta nf I don't see how I can or feel I truly can.

If people can be willing to fix the damage of their words...I do think sometimes it is oddly write to be expressive, especially if something can build up in the way you describe.

I hope so too! Not currently sure when my sister will move out , I have been trying to encourage her, but could be a good couple of years. Thanks again so much for your insight and support applejacks

[applejacks]

Wow, your post really filled me with a deep sense of empathy for my parents. Thank you for helping me to understand them <3. I think sometimes I approach things with anger because I am afraid to be hurt or feel hurt.

That scenario sounds *just* like my mum actually. Yes, she is the LSE and my dad SLI. Yeah, preaching about how to solve things but not realizing their complexity...very true. I really wish she had a delta nf who could discuss that in such a way with her.

May I mention, the way I have to deal with my SLE boyfriend is so directly opposed from the way that seems best to deal with delta st's, in your example; like all the understanding and kindness you seem to have. I previously tried to use that approach with my boyfriend, who could be very hurtful. He has grown so much and I am really proud of him; but my approach in dealing with him had to become a lot harder and tougher. I'm not sure if that is fi, but which ever delta st's have you in their life, they are incredibly lucky.

Thanks for your understanding and support - it does feel really good to experience life like that now

Thank you, I wish she had someone that could believe in her like that and understand her.

Yeah, I think you're definitely getting it when you say he probably felt hurt or guilty. My dad often comments that he feels really bad for having an affair when we were young children and leaving my mum and us for another woman; I think he may feel guilty for being a 'bad dad' as he says and he may have felt like my sister dropping out of school demonstrated that and maybe that was very painful for him and so he said what he did. I think my parents are good people with social consiences, but that these get twisted because they are quite neurotic.

It makes me feel really sad for my parents, . It makes me feel as though there is not anyone who can truly understand them. I do see they feel often unvalued, unsupported; nobody to truly appreciate them in the way that people of their quadra would. I do wish I could help them and have before, but being a beta nf I don't see how I can or feel I truly can.

If people can be willing to fix the damage of their words...I do think sometimes it is oddly write to be expressive, especially if something can build up in the way you describe.

I hope so too! Not currently sure when my sister will move out , I have been trying to encourage her, but could be a good couple of years. Thanks again so much for your insight and support applejacks

I'm so happy that I could help, although I think you're giving me more credit than I deserve. Something tells me there is a very, very good reason that you are who you are, and that you have the parents that you have. If nothing else, you might find you play an important role in understanding them and bridging any future misunderstandings between them and your sister. Maybe all this time you just needed some independence and some distance. Also, the older we get, the more insight our parents seem to shed on their story of life. It's a funny thing that happens, and although beautiful, it makes us relate to and understand why they did the things they did.

Best news of all is, once you move out and you're on your own, it only gets easier

I do find your parents' types intriguing though. Did they work together? How did they meet? That's a mirror relation, and it's interesting that I almost see similar patterns between them and my LSE mother in law and my SLI husband. They work well together when they talk about work, but there's tension and misunderstanding during all other times.

The more I learn about socionics, the more I understand people's behavior and any source intertype heartache/frustration. It doesn't make it easier by any means. Everyone just wants to be understood and loved. It's unfortunate when we're not hardwired to do so.

So in the case of your SLE boyfriend- what was it you did differently? You allowed yourself to react in the moment with less hesitation? I've started to try this by telling him when something is irritating, and I have noticed some positive changes in both of us. I don't linger on it, and he gradually stops doing it, so that's been great to see

I'm always happy to listen or discuss these types of things! I'm so glad you're feeling better about everything!

Go out in the world, do great things!

[betterthan]

I'm so happy that I could help, although I think you're giving me more credit than I deserve. Something tells me there is a very, very good reason that you are who you are, and that you have the parents that you have. If nothing else, you might find you play an important role in understanding them and bridging any future misunderstandings between them and your sister. Maybe all this time you just needed some independence and some distance. Also, the older we get, the more insight our parents seem to shed on their story of life. It's a funny thing that happens, and although beautiful, it makes us relate to and understand why they did the things they did.

Best news of all is, once you move out and you're on your own, it only gets easier

I do find your parents' types intriguing though. Did they work together? How did they meet? That's a mirror relation, and it's interesting that I almost see similar patterns between them and my LSE mother in law and my SLI husband. They work well together when they talk about work, but there's tension and misunderstanding during all other times.

The more I learn about socionics, the more I understand people's behavior and any source intertype heartache/frustration. It doesn't make it easier by any means. Everyone just wants to be understood and loved. It's unfortunate when we're not hardwired to do so.

So in the case of your SLE boyfriend- what was it you did differently? You allowed yourself to react in the moment with less hesitation? I've started to try this by telling him when something is irritating, and I have noticed some positive changes in both of us. I don't linger on it, and he gradually stops doing it, so that's been great to see

I'm always happy to listen or discuss these types of things! I'm so glad you're feeling better about everything!

Go out in the world, do great things!

That's a great point . I agree with you that socionics helps us to better understand and empahize with other types and navigate relationships better .

My parents met at a drama group...I don't know much about their relationship. My mum seems to talk about my dad in a joking, sarcastic way. My dad just has the same witty scathing response to anyone, including my mum. He can tend to blow up at her, but I think that is when he feels like she is keeping us away from him; and she isn't, he is just edgy about that. She said they were really happy for ten years and that if he had apologized to her and asked for forgiveness she would have taken him back, after he had the affair. So to me it seems like she really loved him, though he isn't the love of her life; I suspect that man is an EII but I am not sure. They have both crossed paths and fallen in love with their duals; and both situations have failed. My mum had her heartbroken by the EII, but that was because she was afraid and withdrew...and did so again when she had the chance to get him back. My dad had an affair with an IEE and that was who he left us and our mum for. I don't ever fully forgive him for that; I know I should but I can't. I think he feels like he lives in the shadow of that. Their relationship actually broke down when he admitted to her that he and another woman had feelings for one another but were not going to act on it; she walked out of the restaurant on their anniversary and didn't come back. It just makes me disappointed in him but I respect my parents for their honesty, he could of lied to us. The odd things is they are now both with an ESE, feeling melancholic about lost loves. People think they have time and they don't.

That is great . That's interesting, you have been together quite a while now haven't you? It's interesting the duals seem to work together over time to become better and better for one another. I feel that's the case with my SLE too . We have been together almost four years now and new, better ways or working together and positive changes happen everyday . Yes, that's it; I stopped focusing on his feelings and focused on mine instead and how I really felt about his behaviour; I think it has helped him to empahize, as being Fi polr I think it meant unless I fully expressed myself, he couldn't see what I felt and also couldn't understand why or how his behaviour was wrong. Now he understands he fully takes ownership and says he is shocked by the person he used to be.

<3