Originally Posted by
Eliza Thomason
True
I don't know exactly why I posted it. It was just such a shocking and unusual situation, throwing out all that tile, I wanted/needed to share it somewhere. I put it here instead of some random place because I thought anyone caught up "in a conflictor and can't get out" might relate somehow.. I suppose I should have said that, so people would know why I was posting?
Well, she does give them sympathy and IMO she does show them reality and truth. Her kids are very, very well adjusted, kind of remarkable. If you met them you would not feel sorry for them. I think she makes the best of a bad situation in her way. Not only Conflictor, but he had no example growing up how a family should be, and it shows. We as parents usually do the best we can and much of our best sometimes is making up for our parents errors, and oftentimes we overcompensate the other way. [Also, in this SLE's case, he often compares himself to his completely drunk and un-involved father, and compared to him, he is a fantastic Dad. And its true.]
I had a different approach with my son's father (this SLE's brother). When he was young, before divorce, I did all the work and let my ex be the hero-Dad who stepped in when he felt like it and the work was done and took him, dressed and changed and happy after nap, around to show him off. (EII saw the disrespect this earned me in the family and didn't want to be in my shoes). After divorce - other then insisting on telling my son your Dad sinned and that is why we have to divorce and sell our house [I refused to tell the recommended lie: "your Dad and I just don't get along so we are going to live apart" as if that is what I advocate when you don't get along -*** I did not explain anything but let their relationship be whatever it is and did not give him inside-scoop on anything.
That meant for awhile in the time of the divorce my son bought my ex's message that he was some kind of hero. I was troubled, ex was not, because frankly he has no conscience and as a Narcissist he thinks everything he does is THE BEST! My son spends a short weekend with his Dad approximately every other weekend plus some extra time in summer, some holidays, and I keep our lives very separate (getting in a conversation with my ex means instant manipulation generally) and even though he is in high school I feel my son does not know how manipulative, etc. his Dad is but the ball will drop someday and he will find out.
To me it almost seems a "fake" relationship he has with his Dad, but I let it be what it is. Like maybe an illusion is what my son needs. Sometimes when my son gets mad at me he has accused me of causing the divorce (the message his Dad gives) which is the furthest thing from the truth, and it hurts, but to set the record straight is not the long conversation my son wants, and, he does not want to hear the truth: your Dad is actually a very sick man. (Like most Narcissists, he is successful in the world). So I suffer alone at these times, and figure he will find out himself someday.
Meanwhile, he seems to benefit from the illusion he has a normal Dad and from focusing on the things they do that are normal. I suspect that part of my son's self-identity might be involved with who he thinks his Dad is, so, thinking his Dad is great and normal might help my son's identity somehow. And when my son finally gets the truth of it he will likely be a full-grown adult fully involved in his own life, with his identity all set. So, it seems to me that the current illusion, created by me being hands-off, is beneficial.
My friend, in turn does, what she feels is right, teaching her kids reality, and feels that's beneficial to them. And it seems to be!
**Not saying that is best either, but at times of extreme stress you can't just do all things by the book, ignoring what seems right to you at the time, or you have no self respect.