I'm so stupid - help :(

[Ver]

Actually it's better to write such things on Internet board. Basically I know what I'm doing is just idiotic. However, I cannot stop this feelings.
I know it's due to my lack of self confidence and I know that I have gotten better. But.
I sometimes think I do some things just to feel worse.
I've been in a very good relationship for more than half a year. It's calm and good and everything is fine. I used to be in a terrible relationship before so I can appreciate the normality.
However.
I'm jealous of my boyfriend's past. He used to be in a good relationship before with a girl that might have been his dual. She left him after 7 years for another guy. He doesn't talk about her but:
She used to be a model (of course I'm not) and I found her photo on the Internet - she's really beautiful. She also look as if she was his dual. She's girlish and delicate.
After that he was alone for 3 years. And my thoughts are : I'm no as beautiful as her. Maybe she was the love of his life. And I know that I'm not the first one that he chose. So I feel ...so bad. I know it's stupid these are just my thoughts. Another thing is that he seems to be attracted to girls like her - tall and slim and he is interested in modelling. (not himself but he pays attention, he used to watch Top Model)
I once said something about that to him and he told me he doesn't even remember what she looked like and he deleted all of her photos. On another occassion he told me he wouldn't help her if something bad happened to her. I don't know... I just feel I'm not good enough or something and sometimes I just want to get out of this relationship to avoid this feeling.
Maybe it's partly connected with socionics and partly with my lack of self confidence. i don't know... is it hopeless..?

[FoxOnStilts]

I don't think that's type related at all. And just by looking at a photo, I wouldn't say "she's probably his dual." For one, VI is only sort-of accurate, and, for two, you're so incredibly biased. She could actually look like his conflictor and you would think she was his dual.

And yes, it's your self-confidence. You're awesome; he hasn't done anything to warrant such jealousy, don't worry about it. My boyfriend was married before me and I don't really care. It has no influence on me, and if that didn't happen he wouldn't be where/who he is now. I went out of the country last weekend with a guy friend, and my boyfriend just said, "Okay, have fun! Take pictures!" Trust is a big part of any relationship and without that, you're just going to be paranoid and it will end up poisoning the relationship. It'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Whenever you start thinking jealous thoughts, just try and take a step back and ask yourself, "Is this REALLY something to be upset over or am I just being paranoid and overreacting?"

[FDG]

If she left him for another man and they've been separated for 3 years, chances (very high) are he doesn't give a fuck about her anymore.

[Ver]

I know I'm overreacting and paranoid, I'll be back to my normal state in a moment. I'm not jealous of what he does, I trust him and I feel safe in that way. What I'm jealous of are emotions. Maybe it's just temporary... Anyway I've always been attracted to the idea and they lived together forever after. The idea of going through different phases of life together while still being young, fighting for something together has always appealed to me. I just somehow felt it brings people together. And when you are old you can bring back the memories when you were fresh and young and so much in love. I think this idea was the reason I was in my previous relationship - that guy was totally in love with me since we were 15 and I thought he would love me forever. I know it's naive what I'm thinking but still the idea is beautiful, isn't it?

[FoxOnStilts]

Now you're just being idealistic. Real life isn't a movie adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. If you're expecting something ~*~great~*~ and ~*~profound~*~, then you'll always be disappointed and never fulfilled nor satisfied with anything.

[Ver]

I know, you are right... we should look for small things in life that add flavour . FoxOnStilts you remind me of a very good ILE friend of mine . He ALWAYS managed to cheer me up and you seem to do the same thing.
I feel ashamed of what I'm thinking I know I'm just being childish and insecure. The worst thing happens when people (e.g. me) start living in their head too much and think too much . That's beacause I'm off today and I haven't slept well. I need to occypy myself with something and it's gonna get better. Actually it already has.
My real problem is I'm not satisfied with what I did with my life and it's gonna come back to me. I find it difficult to accept and I think the same about other people. Brr....
Another thing is when I finally burst into tears I know it's somehow going to get better after that .

[Lobo]

If your dudefriend doesn't talk about her often or make references to her, then I'd think that he probably has moved on from that relationship. I actually disagree with your method of occupying yourself with something until it gets better . I think your questioning is legitimate based on you not knowing him that well. You're not being dumb... Based on how you feel about this, it might be a recurring issue whenever he mentions the ex, in that you will want some kind of reassurance and your paranoia might flare up again when it's not the reassurance you want, "he didn't sound very convincing this time, what if he still likes her?" That kind of anxiety will hurt a relationship. Coming from a guy who has anxiety issues, my 2 cents is that you don't know for sure if he does/doesn't/will/won't do anything that you think about (and it's not like you're coming up with something farfetched either), so being at peace with that possibility and giving the same weight to the opposite possibility AND CONSEQUENTLY choosing not to think about it because it's out of your control might help you not only for this but for any other anxiety issues.

[mu4]

She left him for another guy, this is the sort of thing most people don't forgive.

[Ver]

Thank you all for all your advice. I'm gonna build my self-esteem yeah from now on and try not to forget about that when the moment of paranoia comes. Who would have thought Internet forum is such a good place to share your doubts.

[Silly]

Thank you all for all your advice. I'm gonna build my self-esteem yeah from now on and try not to forget about that when the moment of paranoia comes. Who would have thought Internet forum is such a good place to share your doubts.

I totally feel ya. There are some weeks when I'm on top of the world and I'm so confident...I'm looking sexier in the mirror, sex is better and then there are those weeks when I'm like "nobody loves me" and I feel so insecure.

When it comes to ex's I feel like it just takes time and confidence with your partner to get over it. I don't know if you watch "How I met your Mother" but there's this episode where the main character is talking about baggage that he carries around. He finally spills his heart out to this girl he's seeing and he lesson he learns at the end of the episode is that baggage is a lot easier to carry around with someone to help :]

It's really nice that your man is willing to talk about his ex with you when your feeling insecure because it's those little things that can help you make you feel more secure about your relationship with him.

[Ver]

I totally feel ya. There are some weeks when I'm on top of the world and I'm so confident...I'm looking sexier in the mirror, sex is better and then there are those weeks when I'm like "nobody loves me" and I feel so insecure.

What is your type, Silly ? I don't want to call you Silly btw .

[sarinana]

She left him for another guy, this is the sort of thing most people don't forgive.

Unless they are very much in love.

[EyeSeeCold]

Unless they are very much in love.

How can "they" be in love and she leave him for someone else? That is not love.

[Ver]

Hm... it seems to be a phylosophical issue.
I'd say being in love isn't so much connected with forgiveness but other factors are - e.g. your self-esteem, feeling of guilt, general approach to life (some people are more easy going some would prefer to be unhappy than to forgive sth they believe is wrong)
But coming back to topic - it's not only that she left him for another guy, she cheated on him, then she went away for half a year and told him they needed a break. Only then did he found her e-mails with that guy and she refused to answer his calls. He had to arrange her parents to collect her things.
He's very proud and I believe he wouldn't forgive her even if he was very much in love.
I made that mistake once. I was in a relationship with a guy who treated me like shit and I came back to him and he treated me like shit again. However, I've always had self-esteem problems and I almost lost it in this relationship so I believed I won lottery...It took me quite a lot of time to realize it hadn't been all my fault and I couldn't do a lot to make that relationship better. A dick will always be a dick .

[Park]

I remember a very similar thread Ver once made where she talked about how unsure she was of her feelings, whether her guy is the right guy, whether his feelings were real, etc...

I really don't get how women can be so uncertain of themselves and their feelings sometimes. I mean, how can you doubt how you feel about someone? And why would you bother trying to prove to yourself that how you feel is the "right" way to feel? How I feel and what (/who) I want in life have always been pretty clear-cut things to me. And there's no "right" way to feel and "right" things to want, especially when it comes to relationships.

[Absurd]

I once said something about that to him and he told me he doesn't even remember what she looked like and he deleted all of her photos. On another occassion he told me he wouldn't help her if something bad happened to her.

I don't know what do you want more. She left him, he moved on, good for both of you.