directly addressing relationships verbally

[Creepy-male]

hah zomg redbaron this reminds me of what i did *yesterday*.i sent an appreciation e-mail to the guy who teached the language classes that i've been attending in france.even though i've liked him all along i could not really make contact (not even normal eye-contact) with him and i almost had a bitchface even though he was so so nice.i'm so bitter about it that i've been working big time on my neutral expression .so ,since i received my grade a few weeks (not even days) ago,i thought it would be a not so lame pretext to e-mail him about it.so ,after i was done with the grade stuff it went bad.it's all blurry.i don't even want to re-read what i sent to the guy but i felt so strongly the need to express for the first time my feelings to an other individual that i appreciated even though i knew that he would be reserved and typical in his response.i could almost see his lovely wtf face.well, it was not a love confession or something but more like a pledge of allegiance.seriously,i just wanted him to know that i am somewhere out there and have a very positive disposition towards him.like "if there will be anything i can do,at some point in the future (lol) blahblah".i even invited him over.in hindsight,damn creepy (for him) and embarassing (for some part of me) but i don't regret writing it since i got out of my comfort place for the first time even if it was in an e-mail towards someone who lives in an other country.ze mirror iz br0k3n!

i think he's ESE.

And if you were a guy this email would be spread across the internets while women everywhere picked at your entrails as a means of catharsis for their failed relationships, while other guys would laugh at you and call you a virgin to make themselves appear cooler... and you would be expected to live with that. You would look at the situation, nod your head, fully acknowledge it, agree with yourself you are screwed, swallow the lump in your throat, and it would find its way to the core of your stomach where it would sit there for the rest of your life like a malignant tumor. The only thing that can save you at this point is the hope that some poor sap will do something worse and ignite the fury of the mob, to make you appear less awful in relation.

But in all seriousness I will say one thing serious... and that is I know what you mean about the feeling of positive disposition, I get this feeling towards some people (both men and women), and it's very frustrating to not be able to express it properly. Sometimes it even comes across phony. It's not like you can walk up to someone and be like "Durrr I got a positive disposition towards you".... they would think you were mentally retarded. And once again re-merging back to the jokes... if you're a guy they would think you want to rape them.

[Kalinoche buenanoche]

And if you were a guy this email would be spread across the internets while women everywhere picked at your entrails as a means of catharsis for their failed relationships, while other guys would laugh at you and call you a virgin to make themselves appear cooler... and you would be expected to live with that. You would look at the situation, nod your head, fully acknowledge it, agree with yourself you are screwed, swallow the lump in your throat, and it would find its way to the core of your stomach where it would sit there for the rest of your life like a malignant tumor. The only thing that can save you at this point is the hope that some poor sap will do something worse and ignite the fury of the mob, to make you appear less awful in relation.

But in all seriousness I will say one thing serious... and that is I know what you mean about the feeling of positive disposition, I get this feeling towards some people (both men and women), and it's very frustrating to not be able to express it properly. Sometimes it even comes across phony. It's not like you can walk up to someone and be like "Durrr I got a positive disposition towards you".... they would think you were mentally retarded. And once again re-merging back to the jokes... if you're a guy they would think you want to rape them.

nah,you speak in absolutes.i think a certain combination is needed in order to get to what you're describing here.maybe one of them has to be LII.what i'm saying is that before the bump,i was more than confident in his psychological profile and the possible reactions.it's not like i have Asperger's syndrome mirite.also,i 've said that i would not walk up to someone and be like "Durrr I got a positive disposition towards you".it's just that this case kept resting heavy on my shoulders and mailing him would put an end to it ,in some way.it's like when a ghost only haunts people till it gets what it wants and then it stops being trapped in the in-between and moves on.anyway it was a good lesson.oddly enough,i feel more powerful now since i got to implement this dynamic.

He was kind of awesome about it though and responded to my email positively and added me on facebook and everything.

his response was positive,yet as impersonal as possible.he thanked me for the nice message and then made kind of a bitter comment (yet with a glimpse of optimism) on the current socioeconomic situation.i think it was because i pledged my allegiance in a strong way.if i ever get to meet him again i'll be kinda goofy about it but not in an i-take-it-back way.and then i will rape him.i'm almost sure that there's some weird venus-pluto aspect in our synastry.argh gotta get my hands on his birthdate[/creep]

[Creepy-male]

nah,you speak in absolutes.i think a certain combination is needed in order to get to what you're describing here.maybe one of them has to be LII.what i'm saying is that before the bump,i was more than confident in his psychological profile and the possible reactions.it's not like i have Asperger's syndrome mirite.also,i 've said that i would not walk up to someone and be like "Durrr I got a positive disposition towards you".it's just that this case kept resting heavy on my shoulders and mailing him would put an end to it ,in some way.it's like when a ghost only haunts people till it gets what it wants and then it stops being trapped in the in-between and moves on.anyway it was a good lesson.oddly enough,i feel more powerful now since i got to implement this dynamic.

Yea I wasn't being serious, I was speaking in absolutes because it was a specific targeted reference to something else mentioned on this forum.

I think though still what you did in certain situations could backfire horribly for others (and I'm glad it didn't for you), and it's not just entirely dependent on the person writing the letter-- I think regardless of how well you write something it's still possible the person receiving it doesn't take it as intended. It depends on a lot-- how the personalities differ, but also one's personal cultural/social viewpoint and ability to comprehend what is written. Like if a guy writes a letter to a girl with a cynical jaded distrusting attitude expressing affection, you may have intended something to be perfectly innocent, but they will consider it malicious because they may be highly skeptical of your intentions based on that attitude or outlook. That attitude may be the product of cultural and social views along with past experiences, and if we add incompatible personalities to the stack things can get ugly quick. So I don't think its a matter of blaming solely the writer (or the receiver), it's based on the character of the relationship.

I personally kind of find the attitudes of some people to be kind of ridiculous, which is what I'm specifically targeting in what I wrote. I was purposefully being extreme to underline the stupidity of certain people's reaction to a simple letter.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I need verbal appreciation. Honestly, people doing too much physical stuff for me (showing) feels like it makes me be codependent. I'm already so laid-back and passive... if you 'show your love' too much I'm liable to just sit there and not do anything and I probably would live in a catatonic state. I guess I'm kinda confused when you say 'show your love' what does that really mean? I'd prefer if people just either sex me up really good or give me compliments that my poor shy introverted ass needs.

I really do think doing things for introverts is incredibly dangerous, because since we're so introverted... it makes us catatonic and physically helpless.

[Creepy-male]

On Topic:

I do prefer verbal appreciation as well if it's sincere and about something in particular and someone in particular that makes it impactful. People who just generally flatter, praise, or laud strangers on virtually any and every subject annoy me. Bandwagon praise I dislike as well, where everyone in a group compliments each other because they share the same views -- "the circle jerk" phenomenon. Finally I dislike praise when I think it's connected to alterior motives.

I think though if a person strategically deploys a comment of verbal appreciation in a key moment it can be a very nice and meaningful thing. For example, Complimenting someone on a strength or positive characteristic they have in a time where they are experiencing conflict in a similar area can really be morale inspiring -- it creates this entire feeling of self-remberance and empowerment in the person receiving the compliment. Sometimes I'll keep the things in mind to say, but don't say them until a key time -- TIMING IS IMPORTANT and SPACE. Complimenting someone every day lessens the power of it.

[redbaron]

I need verbal appreciation. Honestly, people doing too much physical stuff for me (showing) feels like it makes me be codependent. I'm already so laid-back and passive... if you 'show your love' too much I'm liable to just sit there and not do anything and I probably would live in a catatonic state. I guess I'm kinda confused when you say 'show your love' what does that really mean? I'd prefer if people just either sex me up really good or give me compliments that my poor shy introverted ass needs.

I really do think doing things for introverts is incredibly dangerous, because since we're so introverted... it makes us catatonic and physically helpless.

I agree but that's what I like about SLEs is that they don't do things FOR me, but there's something about them that motivates me to get off my butt and do my own thing, myself. That's why they're good for me. And as for verbal appreciation, it can be verbal as long as it's not formal as in "I know that we've known each other for a couple of years now and I just wanted to be sure that you know how much I appreciate your helpfulness and always being such a great example for the rest of us and I want you to know that I really look up to you as a role model" blah blah GAG. Anyway, I can tell when people like me and are appreciative. I certainly don't need direct words regarding that. It's almost insulting. As if I didn't already know.

[ashlesha]

Follow-up question: how does one respond to that sort of thing, if one is the target? I usually just say, "uh... thanks?" - which is think isn't quite the right response

haha this is precisely why it makes me uncomfortable. Im like "aww, I like you too." thankfully this has never happened with someone I dislike. but its awkward regardless.

[Creepy-female]

I actually really like verbal affection. Growing up, my Delta parents would sometimes say things like, "I'm proud of you", "I love you", or "I appreciate you as a person" and I ate up those sorts of affirmations even though they seemed to come so rarely. Instead, Mom would push a bowl of broccoli into my hands or Dad would try to give me a bookshelf or maintenance my car. They are both non verbal, non touchy feel-y people.

Wanting things like touch or non practical verbal affirmations felt like coming up against a blank space. I know my parents love my brother and I. But sometimes it's hard to feel it.

[redbaron]

lol redbaron, interesting topic

i do think it is possibly IxxP Fe (not addressing directly, i mean)

i find that there are times when i would like to bring to someone's attention sth good about them, a talent, a virtue, a skill etc. it is primarily when i think they *may* not have realized this about themselves. it is in the form of a compliment.

i try not to be too direct about it, but it depends on the situation. i wouldn't corner someone to do this lol.

i have never received a compliment from my isfp mother, for instance (to support your own point about Fe creative here, heh). take care

yeah maybe it's the "cornering" that I dislike. The pointedness of it all.

[Radio]

yeah maybe it's the "cornering" that I dislike. The pointedness of it all.

Basically you don't like very much. Got it.

[redbaron]

I agree redbaron, I find it completely awkward, especially if the person does it in front of a group of people, which makes me feel like she's pointing out how much the rest of the group has failed to meet her expectations. And I purposely use female pronouns, because I think it's a female phenomenon. I've seen Fi-egos state it explicitly, whereas with Fe-egos it's kind of obvious who they like because they kind of "gush" at the other person, which is also slightly uncomfortable in a different way but I'm less bothered by it.

Exactly! Along similar lines, I have a fb friend who sometimes will post generalized "thank yous" publicly to people who have helped her. And I almost think it's intentional to point out how everyone else is NOT helping her! Seriously! She's LIE. Anyway, I just find it inappropriate and borderline rude. She has also posted things publicly like "I appreciate so much those people who remembered my child's birthday". FIRST OF ALL, why can't you just thank the people who did this, privately. SECONDLY are we really expected to remember all of your children's birthdays? I don't expect this! She just annoys me.