I feel strange. Something is about to happen.
I'm motivated to surpassing my former self and this feeling is accompanied with fear and angst.
I feel weak. I want to die or surpass my former self. Or to start drowning my ambition under hedonism like I often used to do.
I always had this feeling that I was meant for something great, maybe even divine. I was very talented and had a superior sense of uniqueness.
Then after emotional torment and struggle with the world of today, I think I don't have the necessary mental resources anymore. But I still feel a sense of purpose although the path is to be made and the destination is not known. I feel weak, and my current lifestyle is just going the same old alcoholist fight-or-flight decay on repeat. If I cork the bottle for a few days I start to ask whether to kill myself or to pursue some vague image of greatness. Even if I had the resources, I can never achieve to become the hero I wanted to be if I have no clue what I should be doing. In a sense, this purpose feels lost for now. It might come back to me.
What else could I do to find life meaningful? If I wanted to, I'd have the resources to become wealthy, powerful, educated and/or respected. But why should I? Would these things make me feel more complete? It all seems pointless.
I don't want to used the worn-out angst phrase but in the end nothing matters because we die.
All the point I ever clearly could pursue is to be loved. Now that I am loved and adored, I still feel pointless. I'm a loved character but still the same pointless element in this story. What next? Should I start making tons of money? Should I devote my life to a woman and eventually to my children? Should I feed my spirituality? Should I engage in professional politics?