I'm only Words Written on Water

[Aquagraph]

I feel strange. Something is about to happen.

I'm motivated to surpassing my former self and this feeling is accompanied with fear and angst.
I feel weak. I want to die or surpass my former self. Or to start drowning my ambition under hedonism like I often used to do.

I always had this feeling that I was meant for something great, maybe even divine. I was very talented and had a superior sense of uniqueness.
Then after emotional torment and struggle with the world of today, I think I don't have the necessary mental resources anymore. But I still feel a sense of purpose although the path is to be made and the destination is not known. I feel weak, and my current lifestyle is just going the same old alcoholist fight-or-flight decay on repeat. If I cork the bottle for a few days I start to ask whether to kill myself or to pursue some vague image of greatness. Even if I had the resources, I can never achieve to become the hero I wanted to be if I have no clue what I should be doing. In a sense, this purpose feels lost for now. It might come back to me.

What else could I do to find life meaningful? If I wanted to, I'd have the resources to become wealthy, powerful, educated and/or respected. But why should I? Would these things make me feel more complete? It all seems pointless.
I don't want to used the worn-out angst phrase but in the end nothing matters because we die.

All the point I ever clearly could pursue is to be loved. Now that I am loved and adored, I still feel pointless. I'm a loved character but still the same pointless element in this story. What next? Should I start making tons of money? Should I devote my life to a woman and eventually to my children? Should I feed my spirituality? Should I engage in professional politics?

[Gilly]

I feel strange. Something is about to happen.

I'm motivated to surpassing my former self and this feeling is accompanied with fear and angst.
I feel weak. I want to die or surpass my former self. Or to start drowning my ambition under hedonism like I often used to do.

I always had this feeling that I was meant for something great, maybe even divine. I was very talented and had a superior sense of uniqueness.
Then after emotional torment and struggle with the world of today, I think I don't have the necessary mental resources anymore. But I still feel a sense of purpose although the path is to be made and the destination is not known. I feel weak, and my current lifestyle is just going the same old alcoholist fight-or-flight decay on repeat. If I cork the bottle for a few days I start to ask whether to kill myself or to pursue some vague image of greatness. Even if I had the resources, I can never achieve to become the hero I wanted to be if I have no clue what I should be doing. In a sense, this purpose feels lost for now. It might come back to me.

What else could I do to find life meaningful? If I wanted to, I'd have the resources to become wealthy, powerful, educated and/or respected. But why should I? Would these things make me feel more complete. It all seems pointless.
I don't want to used the worn-out angst phrase but in the end nothing matters because we die.

All the point I ever clearly could pursue is to be loved. Now that I am loved and adored, I still feel pointless. I'm a loved character but still the same pointless element in this story. What next? Should I start making tons of money? Should I devote my life to a woman and eventually to my children? Should I feed my spirituality? Should I engage in professional politics?

<3 We are poured from the same mould, you and I

[Aquagraph]

<3 We are poured from the same mould, you and I

I have been aware of that for some time now, brother Gilly.

[Gilly]

I think most people are an interesting mix of empathetic ****** and brutal str8 guy qualities. =p

My entp friend was telling me about a tv show (don't know the name sorry) that tried to troll straight men by having one of the characters be the typical macho bad-ass type that every male wants to be. The guy that robs from people and is bad-ass and talks a lot of shit, etc. But then later on they show him wanting mansexlove from another man. So like at first guys can be 'this dude is so cool he's just like me!' when they see him acting like an asshole, and then they see him kiss another man and they're like 'OH SHIT.'

The Wire! Omar is the SHIT

However I get in these romantic drama fights with gay guys that are a lot more bad-ass and asshole-like than me. Like guys who were really athletic and skilled physically and knew how to catch the football but were still gay. They were very estp, had masculine deep voices, had a HUGE criminal record, etc. We were crazy about each other cuz it was like yin/yang.

Maybe I'm not as nice and sweet as I think. =p I mean I was locked up before.

Lol for what?

Anyways we put people in these stupid categories of 'mean straight guy' and 'overly nice gay guy' way too much and it's not really fair to people.

Who is "we?"

[Gilly]

I have been aware of that for some time now, brother Gilly.

There's only one difference.

[Aquagraph]

There's only one difference.

Care to explicate?

[Gilly]

Care to explicate?

I haven't given up.

[Aquagraph]

I haven't given up.

Then there is no difference.
I'm not dead, just procrastinating.

[Gilly]

Ok. That's good to know.

[Aquagraph]

Lol, sorry to interrupt the man-love but I seriously thought for a minute there that the difference would be "I wear underwear under my kilt"...

[fen]

[Aivonaima]

I feel strange. Something is about to happen.

Yes.

[cherrysidecar]

I find it funny that mostly only political things like this make me shed a tear.

This is great.

[Aquagraph]

It's my birthday. I'm 22 now.
I require pot, ethanol, sex and a place to stay for the night.

This is great.

At first there were no likes. I hate when I know I got the good shit to share and people won't bother to check it out. Happy that you did.

Hey, that's the gravestone of John Keats!

[Aivonaima]

Have a fun day. Not gonna congratulate you, tho, recall you didn't like it. And what's the deal with congratulating people for doing something everyone has to do to even start their life to begin with. But may your day be filled with pot, ethanol, sex and places to stay for the night.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I never knew you were that young. I thought you were a bit older.

Although I do find some of what you say/do morally questionable, everybody does morally questionable things (I pushed an old lady once - Don't ask) and it's not my place to judge you. I just don't think promiscuous sex is healthy for anybody because if it doesn't inflict an STD, it probably creates them. Yes we can use condoms but sometimes our animalistic desire takes over and we all do things we regret. There's always consequences with what we do and I know it's annoying and uppity and moral and overly Delta ish or something but sometimes we have to care about feelings and shit not just fucking and killing and cumming on cats... that stuff is necessary too because it's like a release but sometimes you're better off just being a sweetie instead of a stallion.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

You need to be loved but you also need to genuinely love. Narcissistically sleeping around with everybody isn't love, it's you just being a typical guy and seeing how far you can get away with things. I'm not judging you for it, but it's like "Look at me mommy! I'm a 16 year old straight boy and I just did something shocking and socially inappropriate. Can I have some attention please?" LoL straight men will do anything for attention and it's cute.

Once you can love somebody truly instead of just being sexy/attractive, and once you can also get that in return then you will be a lot more happy and satisfied. ((and the sex will get better, not worse)) Until the break-up happens and you're back to feeling lost again but that's the journey of life. We're never always the same because that would be dead and boring.

[Aquagraph]

Narcissistically sleeping around with everybody isn't love, it's you just being a typical guy and seeing how far you can get away with things. I'm not judging you for it, but it's like "Look at me mommy! I'm a 16 year old straight boy and I just did something shocking and socially inappropriate. Can I have some attention please?"

I can relate to this but often I just feel like my life is way too exciting not to be shared.

Once you can love somebody truly instead of just being sexy/attractive, and once you can also get that in return then you will be a lot more happy and satisfied. ((and the sex will get better, not worse)) Until the break-up happens and you're back to feeling lost again but that's the journey of life. We're never always the same because that would be dead and boring.

When I say I want sex, it's just usually more than me finding someone sexy/attractive. I just call it sex like the code of the str8 bad boy dictates although I could call it more accurately "intimate encounters to repress loneliness" or "temporal bonding with magic and intimacy". When I say I want sex, it doesn't even have to involve sexual intercourse.

For now, I just find way too many beings magical enough to be interesting and I can find too much novelty in these people to ignore the perks of my current way of living and romancing.