My interaction with dual is stressful - is this normal?

[Slacker]

My dual relationship now is pretty without drama or argument, and we really have nothing to argue about as we agree about most stuff, I'm home with the kids so we have no arguments there, no money problems, agree about religion and politics, none of the common issues that couples have. The first few months or so living together though were at least somewhat an adjustment. We had that one big fight. Then no more fights for like 10 years, and then one other fight. It really is pretty darn drama free. Of course a dual relationship involving an SLI might look different than a dual relationship involving an EIE. LOL.

But anyway, this is a dual relationship 10-15 years later. A dual relationship at the beginning is going to take a bit of work because any time you stop putting yourself and your individual needs first, it's an adjustment. Living together is another adjustment initially, because you have to come to agreement on a trillion little things. We didn't have trouble coming to agreement except for that one fight, but we did have to find agreement on stuff like what time to eat, who does the cooking (when we were both working), who does the laundry, how do you sort laundry - as you take it off or all at once on laundry day, bathroom cleaning, how to best load the dishwasher, not leaving clothes on the floor. I mean there are millions of these issues, most of them pretty small but each one involved a discussion and agreement. Our one fight was over priorities - if work and home conflict, who wins? The Delta answer is "home", however I was not raised by Deltas and I thought "work" is what anyone would choose.

[applejacks]

My dual relationship now is pretty without drama or argument, and we really have nothing to argue about as we agree about most stuff, I'm home with the kids so we have no arguments there, no money problems, agree about religion and politics, none of the common issues that couples have. The first few months or so living together though were at least somewhat an adjustment. We had that one big fight. Then no more fights for like 10 years, and then one other fight. It really is pretty darn drama free. Of course a dual relationship involving an SLI might look different than a dual relationship involving an EIE. LOL.

But anyway, this is a dual relationship 10-15 years later. A dual relationship at the beginning is going to take a bit of work because any time you stop putting yourself and your individual needs first, it's an adjustment. Living together is another adjustment initially, because you have to come to agreement on a trillion little things. We didn't have trouble coming to agreement except for that one fight, but we did have to find agreement on stuff like what time to eat, who does the cooking (when we were both working), who does the laundry, how do you sort laundry - as you take it off or all at once on laundry day, bathroom cleaning, how to best load the dishwasher, not leaving clothes on the floor. I mean there are millions of these issues, most of them pretty small but each one involved a discussion and agreement. Our one fight was over priorities - if work and home conflict, who wins? The Delta answer is "home", however I was not raised by Deltas and I thought "work" is what anyone would choose.

You just perfectly described our marriage! Drama free, comfortable. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes I feel as though we have some strange ESP going on. More often than not, we both might be thinking the same thing, but we won't say it. Finally, when we need to clear the air or open the communication line, we find out that we both feel the same way. Yet I have a sense for his thought process all along.

Our early dual beginning... I wouldn't say there was any stress involved for us at all, but other dual type mileage may vary. I do remember wondering why he liked me, because he would never really say why and we seemed so opposite, but I loved that about him. I felt it allowed me to shine in my strengths, and he in his.

I will say, though, that had we not met online and had the opportunity to write and talk over the phone before meeting, I'm not so certain we would have decided to date. I could be wrong. He definitely intrigued me, but I'm not 100% certain that I would have invested as quickly in him if we'd been strangers or introduced as acquaintances, simply because I would've doubted that we would've had anything in common.

[aisa]

You just perfectly described our marriage! Drama free, comfortable. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes I feel as though we have some strange ESP going on. More often than not, we both might be thinking the same thing, but we won't say it. Finally, when we need to clear the air or open the communication line, we find out that we both feel the same way. Yet I have a sense for his thought process all along.

Our early dual beginning... I wouldn't say there was any stress involved for us at all, but other dual type mileage may vary. I do remember wondering why he liked me, because he would never really say why and we seemed so opposite, but I loved that about him. I felt it allowed me to shine in my strengths, and he in his.

I will say, though, that had we not met online and had the opportunity to write and talk over the phone before meeting, I'm not so certain we would have decided to date. I could be wrong. He definitely intrigued me, but I'm not 100% certain that I would have invested as quickly in him if we'd been strangers or introduced as acquaintances, simply because I would've doubted that we would've had anything in common.

wow, I can very much relate, although we're different quadras (SEI-ILE marriage in my case).

I met my husband through acquaintances and it was a much longer process and yes, he "knew" right away, while I couldn't see how it was supposed to "work". It took him a long time to convince and prove me otherwise.

[mu4]

wow, I can very much relate, although were different quadras (SEI-ILe marriage in my case).

I met my husband through acquaintances and it was a much longer process and yes, he "knew" right away, while I couldn't see how it was supposed to "work". It took him a long time to convince and prove me otherwise.

I think a lot of ILE know right away because kinda of works like this, generally it's pretty iffy the intuition but occasionally it's on the spot, it's probably no worse than any other mechanism.

[aisa]

I think a lot of ILE know right away because kinda of works like this, generally it's pretty iffy the intuition but occasionally it's on the spot, it's probably no worse than any other mechanism.

lol, as I was reading what I wrote I actually thought sth similar "maybe it was Ne " and then I scrolled down to see your post
If that's the case then I had a "glimpse" of Ne working this way when I knew him for about a year and he called me and out of nowhere came this thought "that's gonna be my husband", although on a conscious level I thought otherwise and it took him a few more years before he left the "friendzone"... but once we started a relationship, that was that (and I kept thinking "how on earth didn't I notice him in this light earlier?")

[mu4]

lol, as I was reading what I wrote I actually thought sth similar "maybe it was Ne " and then I scrolled down to see your post
If that's the case then I had a "glimpse" of Ne working this way when I knew him for about a year and he called me and out of nowhere came this thought "that's gonna be my husband", although on a conscious level I thought otherwise and it took him a few more years before he left the "friendzone"... but once we started a relationship, that was that (and I kept thinking "how on earth didn't I notice him in this light earlier?")

In Filatova's book, there's a part about ILEs where an anecdote about a ILE's mom predicting that his daughter would marry some individual she had met and the daughter didn't think it would happen but of course it occurred. IMO, more or less work similar to this, by openly remarking on potential situations and possibilities that are perceived.

[applejacks]

wow, I can very much relate, although we're different quadras (SEI-ILE marriage in my case).

I met my husband through acquaintances and it was a much longer process and yes, he "knew" right away, while I couldn't see how it was supposed to "work". It took him a long time to convince and prove me otherwise.

How cool! Did you find yourself ever doubting the relationship once the initial honeymoon stage wore off?

I was infatuated with my husband for about 6 months, and then had a week long period when I contemplated calling things off, simply because I'd come off cloud 9 and was overanalyzing. I'm so thankful I didn't, but once the initial crushing and lovespell wore off, I had to assess the relationship once more and why it worked. I suppose time is the best indicator, and I feel we've only improved with time.

But the only way I can really process our relationship is by watching others and reflecting internally. I've currently been observing a semi-duality relationship, and while I'm envious of their extreme highs (- passion to a point that we do not have), the lows are extremely frightening. The only thing I can conclude is that duals may or may not be everyone. They're comfortable, clear, and understanding. After that initial 6 months though, I think I was doubting whether or not I wanted more of the crazymad, "let's do everything together" passion or compatible/stability, and ultimately compatible/stability was more desired. I couldn't be happier with my choice, and while we do have a bit of that passion, ours feels more consistent and stable.

[aisa]

How cool! Did you find yourself ever doubting the relationship once the initial honeymoon stage wore off?

I was infatuated with my husband for about 6 months, and then had a week long period when I contemplated calling things off, simply because I'd come off cloud 9 and was overanalyzing. I'm so thankful I didn't, but once the initial crushing and lovespell wore off, I had to assess the relationship once more and why it worked. I suppose time is the best indicator, and I feel we've only improved with time.

But the only way I can really process our relationship is by watching others and reflecting internally. I've currently been observing a semi-duality relationship, and while I'm envious of their extreme highs (- passion to a point that we do not have), the lows are extremely frightening. The only thing I can conclude is that duals may or may not be everyone. They're comfortable, clear, and understanding. After that initial 6 months though, I think I was doubting whether or not I wanted more of the crazymad, "let's do everything together" passion or compatible/stability, and ultimately compatible/stability was more desired. I couldn't be happier with my choice, and while we do have a bit of that passion, ours feels more consistent and stable.

yeah, there was a moment of "waking up", but I was in a haze for a longer period of time than you (2 years in my case)

It's definitely less of a rollercoaster than some relationships I've observed (and one I was in with a person who most likely had bpd - that was drama allll the time...) But as long as we don't fall into the trap of thinking "it's so easy that it's a given" - we're good.
I was in a (short) semi-duality relationship a while before and it was less passionate ime, so probably it depends on the people involved.
I have a bit of a "short fuse" so I guess I provide periodical shaking every now and then. It's not the "drama queen" style - it's just sort of an "Italian temperament" as my family says... I can relate to Donald Duck

In Filatova's book, there's a part about ILEs where an anecdote about a ILE's mom predicting that his daughter would marry some individual she had met and the daughter didn't think it would happen but of course it occurred. IMO, more or less work similar to this, by openly remarking on potential situations and possibilities that are perceived.

yeah, that'd be consistent with my experience of that "glimpse" and also with what my husband told me ("out of all the girls I knew at that time you were the only one that I thought of "this could be my wife").
Hmm... and then you get all the creativity that comes with Ne (which is sth I used since childhood being partially raised by an EII grandmother) and the inventiveness I see in my husband and more and more in myself (feels like I'm currently in Ne development phase - although earlier than it is supposed to be common age-wise).
In my eyes my husband is pretty much "Iron Man" - gotta love than Ne

oh, and I just remembered my ILI mum once said - "you should be with smn like [insert my husband's name]" (when I was in a relationship with somebody else, and she'd seen my husband only once from a distance) - so Ni does it similar with predictions relationship-wise I guess.

[mu4]

yeah, that'd be consistent with my experience of that "glimpse" and also with what my husband told me ("out of all the girls I knew at that time you were the only one that I thought of "this could be my wife").
Hmm... and then you get all the creativity that comes with Ne (which is sth I used since childhood being partially raised by an EII grandmother) and the inventiveness I see in my husband and more and more in myself (feels like I'm currently in Ne development phase - although earlier than it is supposed to be common age-wise).
In my eyes my husband is pretty much "Iron Man" - gotta love than Ne

oh, and I just remembered my ILI mum once said - "you should be with smn like [insert my husband's name]" (when I was in a relationship with somebody else, and she'd seen my husband only once from a distance) - so Ni does it similar with predictions relationship-wise I guess.

Both ILI and ILE have strong intuition so things can be quite similar, however remarks are more objective sounding and the communication of the information is meant as something more definite in a real sense. conveys more subjective content and is more definite from a motivational sense. However as intuitions these are not exactly the most definite of information.

[Beautiful sky]

My dual relationship now is pretty without drama or argument, and we really have nothing to argue about as we agree about most stuff, I'm home with the kids so we have no arguments there, no money problems, agree about religion and politics, none of the common issues that couples have. The first few months or so living together though were at least somewhat an adjustment. We had that one big fight. Then no more fights for like 10 years, and then one other fight. It really is pretty darn drama free. Of course a dual relationship involving an SLI might look different than a dual relationship involving an EIE. LOL.

But anyway, this is a dual relationship 10-15 years later. A dual relationship at the beginning is going to take a bit of work because any time you stop putting yourself and your individual needs first, it's an adjustment. Living together is another adjustment initially, because you have to come to agreement on a trillion little things. We didn't have trouble coming to agreement except for that one fight, but we did have to find agreement on stuff like what time to eat, who does the cooking (when we were both working), who does the laundry, how do you sort laundry - as you take it off or all at once on laundry day, bathroom cleaning, how to best load the dishwasher, not leaving clothes on the floor. I mean there are millions of these issues, most of them pretty small but each one involved a discussion and agreement. Our one fight was over priorities - if work and home conflict, who wins? The Delta answer is "home", however I was not raised by Deltas and I thought "work" is what anyone would choose.

@Smilex