My interaction with dual is stressful - is this normal?

[Beautiful sky]

There were a few times I've seen duals (usually at the beginning stage) try to compete and one up each other, but usually, if they don't leave and stick around within a few months they really love each other because of this whole thing that if you don't have a dual while growing up, you yourself try to assume your dual's role in your own mind (like a psychological coping mechanism). Because of this, you have a hard time relinquishing control and recognizing that your dual is naturally good at the thing that stresses you out. Once the roles/tasks are divided within the dual pairing, the relationship is very wonderful.

[shapeofthings]

I would like to hear about this as well. If anyone has some Dual stories to share, please do. Especially about the early stages.

And eh, me and my Dual argue a lot. And then we move on. There's lot of friction, charge. Always something going on, very dynamic, not static at all. I didn't have Duals around growing up, and we definately find it hard to communicate sometimes. It's not boring, to say the least.

Makes no rational sense, why we love each other so much, and why just being in his space energizes, soothes and balances me so much.

I wonder if there's this place that we'll 'reach' or is our relationship going to be like this for as long as it lasts. Then again, after each time and each frustration, I feel closer to him, and we do seem to develop our understanding of each other in the process. I feel like I'm growing, as an individual, a lot in this relationship.

And slownumbers, you shouldn't worry about what is normal. I do best with mine when I just follow my Ni, I've never been as accurate about which course of action to take with a person as I am with him (or maybe I have, but he responds to it in a way that shows me immediately I was correct, and that strengthens my trust on mi Ni). When I start to doubt myself, that's were it all seems to be going to ARSE. The more carefree I am the better my Dual always responds: funny but the more you are yourself the better. So stop doubting yourself I know been there / still there but TRUST ME. The more naturally YOU you are, the better. So just follow your guts and do and say what you feel like doing/saying. Your dual won't judge you.

Maybe the whole Duality relationship is just that. Moving from that getting to know your Dual phase (that can be plenty stressfull and depending on your own maturity, experience with duals, and lotsa other stuff too mebbe) and realizing wow this person really fucking likes you just-as-you-are, meaning you can literally drop all your usual boundaries and stuff to trash you've learnt so well to do during the course of your socialization. We're not naturally programmed to be used to that level of acceptance and expression of our truest selves because we have to keep so much away starting from our most everyday encounters.

But that's just the theory, anyway.

[Ezra]

Weird. It shouldn't be stressful, it should be easy & the interactions should flow naturally. I've never even had an argument with a Dual. If we have a disagreement we can usually talk it out in a way that we both can see each others perspectives. They may lecture on subjects such as strength, drive, & confidence, but that sort of thing helps me become stronger, if anything. Eh, maybe I'm just lucky.

I remember talking to a SLE poster through PM who said the SLE - IEI dynamic was a bit difficult in the beginning. Strangely, I've never had experience with that. I think you all over analyze these things.

It does happen.

I think you're just lucky.

[Creepy-male]

It does happen.

I think you're just lucky.

Starfall has already confessed to trying to "spread the love" of her perfect happy ideal dual relationship.

Plus... even without that performance pressure, who's going to openly admit to relationship difficulties on a public forum?

[Slacker]

My husband and I have been together for like 13 years or something now and it's hard to remember just how things were early on. I remember the first few dates thinking he didn't like me and wondering why he'd keep wanting to see me. And we had one really big fight early on. Also, I met him when he was visiting the US, but he was living elsewhere, so he went home after we'd only known each other like two weeks. By the time he got back to see me again, things were smooth between us, but maybe if he'd been here that whole time things would have been harder between us during that adjustment period.

[tiny_dancer]

Are you sure you're not just being oversensitive because you have a crush on the person?

Usually when I am really attracted to someone it skews my perception, and it just goes downhill from there.

[Slacker]

Are you sure you're not just being oversensitive because you have a crush on the person?

Usually when I am really attracted to someone it skews my perception, and it just goes downhill from there.

I agree with this, and I think it might be even worse if you're the introvert. How many times have you been out together? Is this a romantic situation - I mean it sounds like you have romantic feelings but does she understand it that way as well, or are you like hanging out with friends? Are you in pursuit or actually dating? There are lots of non-socionic reasons why you could be having these kinds of feelings as they are very common for any people when they're pursuing someone they're interested in.

[slownumbers]

Are you sure you're not just being oversensitive because you have a crush on the person?

Usually when I am really attracted to someone it skews my perception, and it just goes downhill from there.

Yeah I guess this probably sums the situation up pretty accurately
It doesn't feel stressful at all when we're actually together, just afterward I analyze what I've said and worry I about it. I'm sure I wouldn't care or think about it afterward if I wasn't interested in her romantically. She knows that I was interested, and she just wanted to be friends.

[Creepy-male]

Eh? Not sure what you're talking about.

It was one of the IEIs, and it was something largely to that effect.

[Ave]

I can assure you that Maritsa lives in lala land.

[silke]

In socionics descriptions of duality I have found a passage that stated that duals tend to perceive each other as independent and capable people. Thus the risk of passing each other by or backing out of it (out of low self-esteem). And into beginning stages of relationships I would expect this same issue to interfere - the partner that is less emotionally sensitive making some blunder, the partner that is more emotionally sensitive taking that to mean that they aren't good enough and proceeding to distance.

Make sure though that you have identified your dual correctly and haven't run into your conflictor instead. To untrained eye they might look the same and sometimes conflictors take an interest in each other because they are so different, it can be intriguing initially. If you have mis-typed the other person and it is indeed a conflictor type your emotions may be trying to point out that they aren't a good match for you.

[Creepy-Snaps]

Okay, as I mentioned in another post, I met my first dual that I know of a few months ago. Although I really like her, I was thinking back on our interactions and remembering that some of our interactions were quite stressful after the fact. Meaning, after I spent time with her, I would worry that I did or said the wrong thing, and felt on edge about it, or down about myself afterward. Also I noticed that she would frustrate me on multiple occasions.

Is this common for dual interaction in the beginning, or something unrelated to socionics?

Yes, it is very common in the beginning of dual relationships. /endthread

And like others noted... you really liked her. So of course, you'll be especially nervous to make a good impression.

If she's your dual, she'll agree with you or understand you and no matter how hard you try you won't be able to force conflict in.

Wow. Just wow for that statement. Every relationship takes work. Even duals. You always gotta work on your communication, work on everything. To say that, if you wanted to start trouble, you *wouldn't* be able to... is just crazy. If you're destructive, you can ruin any relationship you want.

I can assure you that Maritsa lives in lala land.

Yeah... thought that too with her description of 'perfect dual bliss', but I did like her other post on this thread.



... In regards to you, Starfall.

I do believe 'perfect' 'non-argumentative' relationships do exist... but from personal experience, it seems like they are more likely to exist with people who truly aren't chasing anything in life, who lack goals, or lack any real problems, such as coordinating jobs and money, or raising kids, etc.

It's easy to be perfectly happy with someone, if you never have to go through any real trouble together.

I don't wish ill upon you, or your relationship. But you seem to be in happy, youthful, naive, lala land a bit yourself. I hope you can effectively fight through any troubles you and your 'dual' boyfriend come across... then, tell me arguments never happen.

[Krig the Viking]

There were a few times I've seen duals (usually at the beginning stage) try to compete and one up each other, but usually, if they don't leave and stick around within a few months they really love each other because of this whole thing that if you don't have a dual while growing up, you yourself try to assume your dual's role in your own mind (like a psychological coping mechanism). Because of this, you have a hard time relinquishing control and recognizing that your dual is naturally good at the thing that stresses you out. Once the roles/tasks are divided within the dual pairing, the relationship is very wonderful.

Awesome. I agree. Your understanding of socionics has really grown deeper since you got here, Maritsa.

Maybe the whole Duality relationship is just that. Moving from that getting to know your Dual phase (that can be plenty stressfull and depending on your own maturity, experience with duals, and lotsa other stuff too mebbe) and realizing wow this person really fucking likes you just-as-you-are, meaning you can literally drop all your usual boundaries and stuff to trash you've learnt so well to do during the course of your socialization. We're not naturally programmed to be used to that level of acceptance and expression of our truest selves because we have to keep so much away starting from our most everyday encounters.

But that's just the theory, anyway.

I think you're on to something there. For undualized people, it's extremely strange to find someone with whom you don't have to pretend, because most of us have forgotten how to not pretend.

[buckland]

Awesome. I agree. Your understanding of socionics has really grown deeper since you got here, Maritsa.

With the number of posts she's got, she's statistically bound to bump into something true every once in a while.

[nanashi]

There were a few times I've seen duals (usually at the beginning stage) try to compete and one up each other, but usually, if they don't leave and stick around within a few months they really love each other because of this whole thing that if you don't have a dual while growing up, you yourself try to assume your dual's role in your own mind (like a psychological coping mechanism). Because of this, you have a hard time relinquishing control and recognizing that your dual is naturally good at the thing that stresses you out. Once the roles/tasks are divided within the dual pairing, the relationship is very wonderful.

Aestrivex, I wonder if you and I have done this? I know I'm 5w6 sx/so and INTp-Te, but occasionally I confuse people, and once in a blue moon get weirded out at seeing myself, because I sometimes assume SEE-Fi 7w8 behavior. I just saw the need for SEE-ness when I was little. And it's weird because I'm sometimes enjoying my new dual but chameleon as them, too, at first.

[lemontrees]

There were a few times I've seen duals (usually at the beginning stage) try to compete and one up each other

My duals have tried to tell me how to cook things, since they're "clever" and have "mastered" the best way (......)

The other day an ILE told me that the color I wanted to paint my dresser was "gaudy" and that I should use a "stain rather than a paint." He told me that he knew better because he had studied color theory.

[fen]

My duals have tried to tell me how to cook things, since they're "clever" and have "mastered" the best way (......)

The other day an ILE told me that the color I wanted to paint my dresser was "gaudy" and that I should use a "stain rather than a paint." He told me that he knew better because he had studied color theory.

That kinda stuff drives me crazy. :S

[blackburry]

My duals have tried to tell me how to cook things, since they're "clever" and have "mastered" the best way (......)

The other day an ILE told me that the color I wanted to paint my dresser was "gaudy" and that I should use a "stain rather than a paint." He told me that he knew better because he had studied color theory.

AGHHH LIEs do this to me alllllll the time. but so does my mom. but she sucks at a lot of things though she tries so hard.
LIE friend irl thinks he's perfect and has mastered everything. so wha? I like to try things out for myself... sure, the new dish I made was DISGUSTING. i just won't make it again.

[Beautiful sky]

My duals have tried to tell me how to cook things, since they're "clever" and have "mastered" the best way (......)

The other day an ILE told me that the color I wanted to paint my dresser was "gaudy" and that I should use a "stain rather than a paint." He told me that he knew better because he had studied color theory.

Ne, Ne, Ne.......

I try telling an LSE to do something [fill in a number of things], then I get a wall of "no" then followed by thinking then followed by trying it themselves and then by liking what I asked them to do in the first place; results could have been achieved much more efficiently and conserved time HAD THEY DONE IT THE WAY I SUGGESTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. *but* try saying that to an LSE!!!! Response is "you're controlling."

Me: *********DIES************