Anti-authoritarian parenting style and socionics types

[pianosinger]

I don't think I could ever be the "because I said so" kind of parent.

I thought that, too. And I really try not to use that phrase. But, sometimes...it's the only thing I can say because the real reason is too difficult to explain to my 3 yo's limited understanding and I'd rather not be pulling out random half-truths, or saying something that could give my kid nightmares, kwim?

[Pa3s]

But, sometimes...it's the only thing I can say because the real reason is too difficult to explain to my 3 yo's limited understanding and I'd rather not be pulling out random half-truths, or saying something that could give my kid nightmares, kwim?

And this is the reason why you can't treat a child as an equal if you're a parent. The understanding is limited and it can't overview everything. People should mind the wishes and concerns of the child, but they always need to be the authority.

[ashlesha]

I thought that, too. And I really try not to use that phrase. But, sometimes...it's the only thing I can say because the real reason is too difficult to explain to my 3 yo's limited understanding and I'd rather not be pulling out random half-truths, or saying something that could give my kid nightmares, kwim?

i relate to this. and it makes me think of how before my son was born i had this image in my head of us being equals and giving him all this input and allowance to compromise so he wouldn't feel too small, how he wouldn't rebel because he would never feel the need to, like this utopia, lol. but...it really doesn't work that way with children, because they have minds of children. they just can't handle the responsibility of having too much say in their own welfare. and i don't like saying that "out loud" because it feels so..harsh and mean or something, lol, but its just the plain truth.

[squark]

I was raised in an extremely authoritarian home, in an extremely authoritarian religious environment. What was drilled into my parents' heads, and thus greatly influenced how they raised me and my siblings was that they were responsible for every mistake their kids made, and that it was a reflection on them as parents, and as people if their kids were not perfect in every way. And if there were not very strict rules and very harsh punishments for breaking them (even "talking back" could result in a nice beating) then they were not "doing their duty" as parents.

This idea of kids as part of their parents, that if they mess up, the parents have messed up sets up a structure where parenting with love and guidance is replaced by pushing, strict standards, or just a very critical atmosphere, where you're watched for any sign of a screw-up.

Kids need help and guidance in making good choices, finding their own way through life, developing their talents and growing as people. They can't do this on their own because they don't have the maturity or experience to know how to go about it. So, rules and guidlines, and examples are needed. A totally lax environment is one where the parents don't care enough about their kids to help them on their way, and a totally strict one is where the parents care so much about keeping the kids from doing anything wrong, that they forget that their job is to raise these little people into happy, self-responsible adults, not jam them into a mold that they'll never be able to live up to.

[Creepy-male]

In English there is very little difference in authoritative and authoritarian. Both are adjectives used to describe behavior which strongly emphasizes compliance to authority. Typically an institution is authoritarian (authoritarian government policies) and a person is authoritative (an authoritative parent).

What is the distinction in the german language? And do the endings -tiv and -taer have any other usage in words?

Also on the topic of parenting...

I think its an issue of optimization, two far in either extreme and the parent is confronted with a complicated issue.

Too much emphasis and submission to authority and a child, while extremely respectful of social institutions-- they may become too trusting of people in power, passive and unassertive.

Too little emphasis on authority and a child develops a detachment from typical social organizations-- they may be difficult to work with by being unfamiliar with working as part of a social hierarchy or organized structure in which more experienced and competent members advise, oversee, and mentor newer members.

I think its important for a parent to know how to balance themselves, look at the response their parenting style is having in their child's life, and thus taking into account their child's personality, they adapt to develop a successful method of parenting.

There are also issues concerning the implementation of the parenting style, while a certain kid may require a more authoritarian parent-- there are certain means of exercising authority that can be negative and lead children to developing a bad relationship between themselves and authority that carries through to adulthood.

Things such as using physical force and psychological manipulation are for example poor methods of exercising authority, likely while a certain kid may need an authoritative influence in their life to channel their energy productively, such methods will leave them with a bad concept of authority which will echo throughout their life.

The role of mentors, teachers, role-models, parents and so forth are a major aspect to psychological development. Without good apprenticeship people's talents rarely end up amounting to anything. I tend to think most people who are unsuccessful generally have a lack of reliable human resources to draw on in their life.

In reverse over-authoritarian parenting can influence children negatively, along with over-protective parenting. This leads to children that have a negative submissive attitude towards authority. They don't know how to express themselves and their needs and likely feel frustrated. Usually in the US this results from parents vicariously living through their children and/or the alarmist attitude which is generated by media-hype concerning threats to children. Usually this gives rise to unmotivated passive-aggressive adults.

In upper-middle class white neighborhood the negative submissive attitude is common.

In lower class ethnic neighborhoods the more traditional anti-authoritative attitude is common.

Of course this is because the influence of authority is stronger as one moves up the socio-economic ladder as expected.

Ideally everyone would of course live up to our own personal image of the perfect leader/boss/teacher, but rarely anyone does, so in real life don't look for perfection but potential.

[07490]

I was raised in an extremely authoritarian home, in an extremely authoritarian religious environment. What was drilled into my parents' heads, and thus greatly influenced how they raised me and my siblings was that they were responsible for every mistake their kids made, and that it was a reflection on them as parents, and as people if their kids were not perfect in every way. And if there were not very strict rules and very harsh punishments for breaking them (even "talking back" could result in a nice beating) then they were not "doing their duty" as parents.

This idea of kids as part of their parents, that if they mess up, the parents have messed up sets up a structure where parenting with love and guidance is replaced by pushing, strict standards, or just a very critical atmosphere, where you're watched for any sign of a screw-up.

Kids need help and guidance in making good choices, finding their own way through life, developing their talents and growing as people. They can't do this on their own because they don't have the maturity or experience to know how to go about it. So, rules and guidlines, and examples are needed. A totally lax environment is one where the parents don't care enough about their kids to help them on their way, and a totally strict one is where the parents care so much about keeping the kids from doing anything wrong, that they forget that their job is to raise these little people into happy, self-responsible adults, not jam them into a mold that they'll never be able to live up to.

So, was your father the same type (socionics, Enneagram wise) as you?

[squark]

So, was your father the same type (socionics, Enneagram wise) as you?

No. Neither of my parents are 1s. but that whole religious environment was.