ISTps under stress

[jewels]

Please add to the list, or comment.

These are things I notice:

being short-tempered
saying critical things, or picking something apart. (i.e. you did this wrong! It should be done another way)
not being sympathetic/empathetic (having a "deal with it" attitude)
becoming bossy about how things should be done/giving advice, and getting mad if their advice isn't taken

spending hours playing video games, or "researching" things that don't really need to be looked into, or aren't priorities. Like reading about other types of stereo speakers, after already buying some.

Or zoning out in front of the tv for long periods of time.

talking about being very "busy" but not really doing anything

Not noticing the usual Si things, like not being aware they are hungry, or just taking tylenol if they have a bad cold instead of resting/not taking care of their health/eating junk food.

staying in all of the time, and not wanting to go out

wearing the same thing every day, even when it's old

becoming freaked out if something is thrown away, such as an old towel that is ratty and stained. But they're like "that towel was originally expensive when I bought it (x number of years ago)

Becoming obsessed w/ small amounts of money, and trying to save twelve cents on cheese.

not working out

no longer working towards goals, or working apathetically towards them.

focusing only on their own needs/wants, ignoring other people's. Then getting angry and telling others they are "selfish" if they express any.

having a "poor me" attitude, but in a silent sulking way.

stonewalling.

being drawn to something totally different as an "escape." Such as picking up and moving to the Alps. Or anything not very practical.

So they basically become their opposite, with low Si and Te. And become less practical.

And I wonder if IEEs become their opposite under stress, in that we don't see new possibilities and don't encourage relationships to grow?

[Creepy-male]

I can relate to a fair bit of that.

EDIT

I hear that Rick wrote an article describing how different base functions act when under stress. I think Si bases will tend to become very controlling when stressed out.

[krieger]

being short-tempered
saying critical things, or picking something apart. (i.e. you did this wrong! It should be done another way)
not being sympathetic/empathetic (having a "deal with it" attitude)
becoming bossy about how things should be done/giving advice, and getting mad if their advice isn't taken

[CILi]

...So [SLIs] basically become their opposite, with low Si and Te. And become less practical.

If stress supresses the Ego, do you think it also increases use of some other pair of functions?

Is a stressed SLI more like IEE, EIE, or something else?

I have seen lots of your "list" in stressed SLIs I've known, but I wonder if some of that's just the natural fall-out of depression (or a similar state), regardless of type. In other words, a "stressed IEE" may look a whole lot like the "stressed SLI" above.

Or maybe not.

[Park]

YouTube - Smokey this is not 'Nam, this is bowling. There are rules

LOL, OWNED

[Park]

and jewel's list is hilarious... because it's right on the money

[Cyrano]

LOL, OWNED

Parkster, What do you make of Jewel's list? I think I exhibit many of those behaviors, but I thought I handled stress better than that

[Words]

Parkster, What do you make of Jewel's list? I think I exhibit many of those behaviors, but I thought I handled stress better than that

I'm not Parkster, but I think jewels list is on the money and demonstrates the parts of me I continue to battle against.

[jewels]

awesome! I love that the ISTps here can relate

I've tried a few approaches. Ignoring it (which eventually annoys me). Making fun of it (I've called one ISTp a "grumpy crab" w/ crab hand motions which seems to work well. And also I've tried just saying "You're wrong!! wrong. wrong." Because I usually am all about the gray area/seeing other's perspectives, which gets confusing. But when I notice they are full of crap and say "you're wrong" that can get an apology.

Not sure of a long term solution though.

[Park]

Parkster, What do you make of Jewel's list? I think I exhibit many of those behaviors, but I thought I handled stress better than that

Well yeah, me too, but only to a certain degree. Once the line is crossed, I'm all those things... and then some.

And sometimes when I've really had it, I can act pretty much like "the dude"s friend. (from the video)

[Lobo]

Sounds like he has an issue that's bothering him and probably needs confrontation. The only thing I can think of when I read all that is he might need someone to call him on all of his bs, which will probably make him angry and explode/externalize whatever it is that's bothering him and let it all out once and for all.

[Words]

Sounds like he has an issue that's bothering him and probably needs confrontation. The only thing I can think of when I read all that is he might need someone to call him on all of his bs, which will probably make him angry and explode/externalize whatever it is that's bothering him and let it all out once and for all.

You'd make a good friend if you'd let a person as you say externalise all this. I know I've needed one sometimes.

[humblepie]

Sounds like he has an issue that's bothering him and probably needs confrontation. The only thing I can think of when I read all that is he might need someone to call him on all of his bs, which will probably make him angry and explode/externalize whatever it is that's bothering him and let it all out once and for all.

oh my god! that is my boyfriend. i called him on it (kicked him out) and now he's back to his old self. who knew being a bitch was actually a good thing!

ha ha you learn something new every day.

[Lobo]

I know how nice and sweet IEEs can be, and some might not see that the most effective way to deal with someone like that is to give them tough love and stand by them, but letting them know that you will not be fucked around with in the process.

[humblepie]

I know how nice and sweet IEEs can be, and some might not see that the most effective way to deal with someone like that is to give them tough love and stand by them, but letting them know that you will not be fucked around with in the process.

yeah that's kind of what i did. i kicked him out but i texted him to say that i'd wait for him to come to his senses. i actually said i'd wait for the rest of my life for him to cop on. i told him if i had to go without sex for 10 years i would but that i wouldn't have to wait that long cos he's cleverer than that. it only took him four days. bless his clever little head.

[ashlesha]

yeah, a lot of the stuff on that list looks familiar. as i read it, i was like..OH yeah.

it's pretty great that he's willing to talk to a therapist..that can be intimidating for a lot of people, but i imagine it would be a really big thing for most SLIs.

[Kirana]

Please add to the list, or comment.

These are things I notice:

being short-tempered
saying critical things, or picking something apart. (i.e. you did this wrong! It should be done another way)
not being sympathetic/empathetic (having a "deal with it" attitude)
becoming bossy about how things should be done/giving advice, and getting mad if their advice isn't taken

spending hours playing video games, or "researching" things that don't really need to be looked into, or aren't priorities. Like reading about other types of stereo speakers, after already buying some.

Or zoning out in front of the tv for long periods of time.

talking about being very "busy" but not really doing anything

Not noticing the usual Si things, like not being aware they are hungry, or just taking tylenol if they have a bad cold instead of resting/not taking care of their health/eating junk food.

staying in all of the time, and not wanting to go out

wearing the same thing every day, even when it's old

becoming freaked out if something is thrown away, such as an old towel that is ratty and stained. But they're like "that towel was originally expensive when I bought it (x number of years ago)

Becoming obsessed w/ small amounts of money, and trying to save twelve cents on cheese.

not working out

no longer working towards goals, or working apathetically towards them.

focusing only on their own needs/wants, ignoring other people's. Then getting angry and telling others they are "selfish" if they express any.

having a "poor me" attitude, but in a silent sulking way.

stonewalling.

being drawn to something totally different as an "escape." Such as picking up and moving to the Alps. Or anything not very practical.

So they basically become their opposite, with low Si and Te. And become less practical.

And I wonder if IEEs become their opposite under stress, in that we don't see new possibilities and don't encourage relationships to grow?

yep, that's my husband all right.

[jewels]

come to think of it, when I was younger I could be pretty mean when I was stressed.

Now not so much.

But at one point where I was really worried (as I wasn't making enough money and possibly couldn't afford my bills, but needed to in order to do what I wanted in life), I remember I was so obsessed w/ that every moment, that I would just snap at family, and sometimes just yell at them, or ignore them. Or be annoyed they wouldn't just leave me alone.

So that was pretty anti-Fi.

And another time I was really depressed and couldn't see any possibilities, and wanted to throw in the towel on everything. Talk about anti-Ne.

So I guess we do the opposite when under lots of stress.

[Rubicon]

Sorry if this is too prying, but what does he have to be stressed/depressed about? I was just thinking that perhaps he needs to get involved in/find something that he loves doing. That an SLI's self-worth might go down when they feel they're not doing or contributing anything worthwhile. Maybe he feels like you're taking care of things too much. Sounds like you're busy with a lot of things while he's not up to much. :-p

[jewels]

he's stressed because he feels trapped in his job. And he's started looking for one he likes better, but it's been a few months w/o him getting a new one. And he feels it will never happen.

I tell him Ne stuff all the time, so I don't think it's really resonable for his reaction to be so over the top depressed, which makes me wonder if it's really related to his life (his life is really pretty good and easy).

[Words]

he's stressed because he feels trapped in his job. And he's started looking for one he likes better, but it's been a few months w/o him getting a new one. And he feels it will never happen.

I tell him Ne stuff all the time, so I don't think it's really resonable for his reaction to be so over the top depressed, which makes me wonder if it's really related to his life (his life is really pretty good and easy).

I've been depressed over being trapped in a job before. I don't know what he does but that he's 'trapped' can be quite depressing for an ISTp.

What got me at the time, although I had a good wage and a good life, I was aware of a 'glass ceiling' in my job, that it would be difficult to progress and that I'd likely take a paycut if I left.

The ideal thing is to be self employed or even just part self employed, because even if I don't earn as much, at least it's my own achievement.

He may also be worried about the future, supporting a family. It's not something ISTps like to admit ime but it plays on their mind.

[Creepy-male]

I tell him Ne stuff all the time, so I don't think it's really resonable for his reaction to be so over the top depressed, which makes me wonder if it's really related to his life (his life is really pretty good and easy).

:frown:

You can't really judge someone for being "over-the-top" depressed. If you're using "depressed", you're not using any adjectives in front of it.

I'm not judging you or anything, however

It seems like whatever issues he's dealing with are causing a high degree of stress on the relationship. Keep focusing him on getting help with them, because it does both of you a disservice for you to feel like you're getting the short end of the stick having to manage it. I think the best support you can give is reminding him about therapy/counselling/whatever (ie, support that isn't you/unloading frustrations indirectly on you).

That said, my own dual semi-relationship I think in part blew up due to her being depressed and me closing in around her for support with all the drama things with her were causing for me, so take this advice with many many grains of salt, lol.

[Words]

Another thing which might be useful, try and find the reasons he wants a new job. A spiritual balance is very important to an SLI. If he works in an office, it would help to offset that by spending time in nature, or something to balance it out, he might need to work with his hands, like building something outdoors.

[Rubicon]

Wouldn't make sense for it not to be related to his life I guess. Living an "easy" life that feels pointless is pretty depressing imo.

[Suz]

Wouldn't make sense for it not to be related to his life I guess. Living an "easy" life that feels pointless is pretty depressing imo.

lol rubicon you with a bunny avatar too? I see I've started a trend....

Anyway, sorry to interrupt the excellent discussion, i just had to comment on that.

Carry on...

[jewels]

thank you everyone!

As an IEE, I don't like criticism or insults -- does anyone have any tips for me on how to better handle that? It ends up making me cry every 1-2 days, and after 60 days of that I'm getting really worn down.

He is going to see a therapist in a couple of weeks, so I'm happy about that.

I've noticed even around his friends he's been grumpy, and he usually acts all "social" with them and charming, even when he's not as nice to me -- so that shows me it's pretty bad.

He's not at all a "spiritual" guy, but perhaps I can suggest he work out more? He likes the structure of his job, but just finds it to be "too easy" and he is bored.

Any other advice is much appreciated.

[Park]

As an IEE, I don't like criticism or insults -- does anyone have any tips for me on how to better handle that? It ends up making me cry every 1-2 days, and after 60 days of that I'm getting really worn down.

All I can say from this is that you probably won't be able to stand more than a couple of days with me... Err... regarding your question, I guess you could try to be less "sensitive" yourself, and concerned about things like "niceness", and if you cannot tackle the underlying issues that are causing the stress and he doesn't want to talk about his feelings, just let him be and let things work out by themselves. Don't prod or argue with him.

He is going to see a therapist in a couple of weeks, so I'm happy about that.

That's kinda weird, considering... you know what.

[Suz]

thank you everyone!

As an IEE, I don't like criticism or insults -- does anyone have any tips for me on how to better handle that? It ends up making me cry every 1-2 days, and after 60 days of that I'm getting really worn down.

He is going to see a therapist in a couple of weeks, so I'm happy about that.

I've noticed even around his friends he's been grumpy, and he usually acts all "social" with them and charming, even when he's not as nice to me -- so that shows me it's pretty bad.

He's not at all a "spiritual" guy, but perhaps I can suggest he work out more? He likes the structure of his job, but just finds it to be "too easy" and he is bored.

Any other advice is much appreciated.

Well here's something that worked between the SLI guy I worked with and me at one point when he got stressed and snapped at me. I wont get into the details of it but basically the gist was he was almost accusing me of being unempathetic and heartless.

First of all, i was really shocked and horrified by his comment (he said it in this very scolding, vicious way), as well as insulted that he would think of me that way. But at the same time I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he actually cares about such things, and I did make sort of a careless comment that prompted this. So I ended up apologizing (and i'm not saying that you should, if his angry outburst is inappropriate). I simply said "Sorry." And I had nothing more to say, so I just continued doing what i needed to do. But I was still insulted and hurt, and i basically handled that by just giving him the cold shoulder, and if we needed to talk it was totally serious and all business. It was more the body language than anything--like i avoided looking at him, and probably gave off a less friendly vibe than i usually do. But he got it. And after a few hours of such interaction, I could clearly tell he felt remorseful.

Well our shift ended on the same note, and we went home, and when we came back for our next shift, since I recognized his feelings of remorse, I decided to revert to my friendly self, and essentially dropped the whole thing. I think he felt relieved that I never actually spoke to him about it or called him out on it, or scolded him. And since i didn't make a big scene about it, he didn't really have much else to say about it. And he had plenty of time to think about the thing he said, and to realize how unfair and mean it was.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any of your arguments with your SLI can relate at all to this scenario, but maybe how i approached it might be helpful (+/- the apology).

[eunice]

Reading this thread reminds me that I can consider starting one on INFjs.

[force my hand]

...

Not going to comment on your person situation jewels, but many of these are spot on. The only ones definitively not me are:

becoming freaked out if something is thrown away, such as an old towel that is ratty and stained. But they're like "that towel was originally expensive when I bought it (x number of years ago)

Becoming obsessed w/ small amounts of money, and trying to save twelve cents on cheese.

My attitude under stress would be, "I don't care about minor shit like that." In fact, I am more likely to be wasteful to indicate my disdain for the minutia of life in the face of my Big Problem.

Snapping out of this state depends entirely on what's causing it. If it's a temporary, short-term stressor, the best solution is to fix the problem - period. Sympathy is nice, but useless. Confrontation also does not remove the stressor, and will likely cause me to withdraw from others. I'm obviously not going to get any (logistical) support, so why even bother to publicize the issue, make myself look like a 'tard, and get only grief for my trouble? 'Fuck you' is effectively the gesture exchanged between BOTH parties.

Depression? Well, that's another issue entirely, and in my opinion requires some heavy guns that transcend any sort of type consideration(s).

[Suz]

Jewels, i just came across this ISTp uncovered description and this passage struck me. I thought it may be relevant to your experience with your new husband:

ISTps can often hurt the ones they love. Why would you want to do this? The one way to understand your feelings towards the loved ones is by hurting them and watching them suffer, only then you can be sure of how much you love them. Sounds cruel, but unfortunately this is the strange nature of this particular type of hidden agenda, which cannot be used as an excuse for such behaviour.

Maybe that's what was going on with your ISTp?

[Timeless]

SLIs under stress are like this:

Phase 1:


Phase 2:


Phase 3:


Aftermath: