Originally Posted by
Sir Knight
That, or its possible that IEI's are just as cruel selfish and inbred as everyone else but that they realize that and rail as hard as they can against it?
I guess a lot of the attraction towards knights is that externally they're majestic defenders of the realm who attain an almost mythical status for their deeds and their conquests, but all. underneath that plate mail and around those codes of chivalry is a man. Just a man. As susceptible to doubt and frustration as any other man. As easily broken or killed or disheartened as any other man.
But the fact that he tries to act nobly and justly in a world that rewards neither speaks volumes about the character and the determination of that man.
But again, we're talking idealized knights here, so, yeah.
I guess its why I admire people who join monastic orders. How can someone repress themselves sexually and creatively for decades? How can one find pleasure in copying manuscripts or meditating in floral gardens for hours? Hell, Silent Orders? Orders where you can't even speak?! How people can subject themselves to that for decades and not tire of it I'll never understand, but if you can do it then its a very powerful show of your faith.
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And even now I still run into people from high school who are excited to see me and want to know how I'm doing and want to share their lives with me but all I can think is, "Who is this person and why is he acting all chummy with me?" I know their name. I know we had some classes together. If I really concentrate I can remember some of the conversations we've had or things we've done together. But I still just don't understand why they think I'm memorable or why they seem so excited to see me.
Hell, even in college, which is supposed to be all faceless and cold and impersonal, my teachers seem to never have any trouble remembering my name or my face which is just odd. I'm just some skinny pale guy who plays computer games all day, what makes me so special?
I guess I'm really good at ingratiating myself with people, but at the same time I feel like, even though these people like me, I'm never really all that close to them. Hence why I only have two friends.
I am a man of contrasts, it seems. After two Orange Honey Wheat draughts, Friend #2 once described me as, "the most high-strung laid-back person he's ever met." In the same vein, I'm well-adjusted but I never really feel like it. Like, I guess I just come across as this really well-togther, stable sort of guy to other people when I am, in fact, riven by a deep kind of internal angst that I don't really feel entitled to feel, if that makes any sense.
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I guess it just goes back to contrasts. For example, I'm charming, but I feel so awkward in conversation, like I need to keep the other person entertained and feeling good or something like that or else I've failed on some level. Friend #1 finds it odd that I can know, objectively, that I'm charming and then at the same time not realize it.
Its like I know what I am but I never really feel what I am. Like I knew that I was depressed and that I needed help but I felt like I shouldn't have been, that I needed to handle my problems myself.
Hell, maybe this is why I'm so hard to type: I don't even know how to be myself sometimes, since often I wonder just what my self is.