ENFj messing with ISTj's mind

[Ozz]

I have an ENFj friend. He is currently sort of my best friend (about a year now). He has a lot of emotional influence over me. Lately through, it appears that he is intentional saying things or doing things that, upon reflection, could be explained as intentionally messing with my mood and causing me insecurity. This is most pronounced when he is out hanging out with an INTp friend of mine. I'll go into more detail about this later in this post.

I befriended the INTp friend about a year ago. About 6 months ago, the ENFj and INTp met each other. Several hang out later, it appears that the ENFj shifted a lot of attention from me to the INTp. (eg. calling him a lot).

At about the same time, I got into a complex situation in a temperory workplace that I was working at. I wouldn't want to go into too much detail. It was caused my poor ability to read social situation and say the appropriate thing - I have been working in a technical field and this temperory job that isn't technical and is filled with non-technical people - some aren't that bright either. The result was an unpleasant emotional scar with several situation that I got into. The ENFj has been playing with my scar by painting image of that situation with speech and alluring to it - even after I told him it wasn't funny.

This last couple of week, when three of us are together, the ENFj would drop an inside reference with the INTp, then when i ask what does that mean, he would say "oh it's nothing and you wouldn't understand it".

Another time, he would call me and at some point, he would say he's going to eat bbq with the INTp and when I ask further: he would say something like (forgot the exact quote) "oh you have to ask in order to know and to be invited". The next time we three hang out, he was asserting leadership and put a lot of effort into influencing the INTp.

I feel like he is trying to get me jealous and thinking they are best buddy and I have been excluded.

Would an ENFj intentionally do that? Does anyone know what is the ENFj's doing? What game is he playing? Did this happen because I lost his respect? I feel like I have fallen into some kind of (emotional?) game where the ENFj is anticipating my reaction and setting things up so that I move according to his will. Please help.

[discojoe]

Join the fucking club. EIEs are insane.

[Joy]

Join the fucking club. EIEs are insane.

like

and like, lol

[crazedrat]

you should try to befriend the INTp. Then it will resolve

[Computer Loser]

Why did you "lose his respect?" Any rough bumps between you and him in the past before the other friend showed up?

I don't know enough about the situation to speculate, and I don't think you should either. This will only make it worse on you. I think you should be straight up and ask him if anythings wrong. (I mean, he is your best friend)

[Ozz]

Why did you "lose his respect?" Any rough bumps between you and him in the past before the other friend showed up?

I don't know enough about the situation to speculate, and I don't think you should either. This will only make it worse on you. I think you should be straight up and ask him if anythings wrong. (I mean, he is your best friend)

I think I lost respect because I was probably over reacting to a scenario that normal people would have shrugged off. As for asking directly, I have tried that he would answer back in a very vague way and refuse to elaborated any further.

[shakealittle]

Umm yeah this does sound like typical EIE behaviour and yes this has happened to me before. Its happened a number of times and I still have no idea how to resolve it....usually I just get fed up with them and move on.

You should understand that it's insecurity from their side more than anything else. With my childhood dual we were best friends and she noticed that I started (loosely) hanging around with a SEI, of course she over-reacts to the whole thing and then starts becoming 'best friends' with her conflictor and makes me the third wheel etc etc. I didn't become angry, I didn't fight for her attention or anything, which probably made her even more upset. They don't realise they're making the situation a thousand times worse and I bet if I asked her today who was at fault she would say me.

Anyway this is up there with the things that annoy me about our dual. I get so furious at them for doing this in the first place and also using other people to get me jealous....I mean how would the other person feel if they knew they were being used?

[Azeroffs]

I agree that this pretty typical ENFj behavior, and I know one that always does this thing where he'll basically warm up to someone in order to team up against someone else. He can never go against you alone he as to rally the troops and get support before he puts you down/makes fun of you/etc.

I think you should be straight up and ask him if anythings wrong. (I mean, he is your best friend)

+1

edit:

I think I lost respect because I was probably over reacting to a scenario that normal people would have shrugged off. As for asking directly, I have tried that he would answer back in a very vague way and refuse to elaborated any further.

hmm.. idk then.

[Quaris]

I got bullied in school when I was younger with that method. Some jackass would go and get support like that and then I get pwnd emotionally.
Lucky I had a big body back then and I could kick their asses when I couldn't stand them anymore.

I think it has something to do with respect. Try making the ENFj stop looking down at you and be cool and interesting, part of the "gang".
Don't come up with it directly. Rather try to recreate the bond with activities.

[leftylib]

I dont really agree that this is ENFJ behavior. I do know one ENFJ who acts this way occasionally, but he's mentally ill and gay and I think a 4w3 (im 4w5) who tends to sort of be out there sometimes (i think he's the other subtype of ENFJ, too, but I'm not sure which one I am).

I personally hate passive aggressive people and I only am able to forgive this tendency in my friend without being confrontational about it at all and it seems to resolve.

I think the best thing to do is to take the steam out of the elite sense of things the ENFJ is looking for by loosing all interest in the social group at all.

Seriously find some better friends. I hate how snarky INTps can be and I don't tolerate passive aggression from Betas (i think it can be a sign of mental health problems, because we only start to resemble deltas under stress - and we shouldn't play Gamma popularity games because our job is to infuse conscience).

P.S. Enfjs and all types have to be careful how much they get involved in relationships of benefit since they are a one way street ... this ENFJ is benefiting ESFP energy by sort of dualizing benefit with the INTP ... Now if you get involved with the INTP its going to be a one way relationship to an extent because you will benefit him only and that can be draining...I dont think its even worth it to befriend the INTP. Find some chill and less manipulative people on your own level. What you're saying just goes to show this social group isn't supporting your needs therefore cannot and should not be trusted - if you trust them you'll probably end up regretting it later and wishing you had realized what you're realizing now which is its a red flag and you need to move on.

P.P.S this could also be a case of mistyping.

[Ozz]

I got bullied in school when I was younger with that method. Some jackass would go and get support like that and then I get pwnd emotionally.
Lucky I had a big body back then and I could kick their asses when I couldn't stand them anymore.

I agree that this does feel like high school-type bullying. It makes sense through since the ENFj is about 20 years old. (I am however in the mid-twenty so there is sufficiently large age gap there.)

[sarinana]