Need Advice

[Creepy-Cyclops]

OK, in a slight pickle.

I'd mentioned this to WorkaholicsAnon yesterday.

I went out on Friday night to my local pub (you may know that ISTp's can tend to like going to bars from time to time).

Anyway, I was standing at the bar and this woman in her 50's asked me if I was single.

Nothing against 50 odd year old women, but, I went into sort of "defence" mode if you will, incase she was going to try to have fun with/at me or try to chat me up and I said, "No, i'm seeing somebody". Really just to get her off my case.

Anyway, it turned out she was actually asking for her daughter. She was out with her partner and her daughter. Apparently her daughter has seen me a few times in the place and has found herself attracted to me, but was too shy to say something about it.

So, her daughter is stunning imo. I spent some hours talking to them, and got on really well with her daughter. Not only do I find her attractive but I get only EXTREMELY well with her, a really nice person and easy for me to get on with.

Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy.

So, here's the situation, I actually really like her, she likes me, but... she thinks I am SEEING SOMEBODY! UGH!!

I really didn't know how to overcome that, I mean, what do I say? I thought your mum was trying to fire into me? Ugh, doesn't sound that great at all.

Although, I suppose I have to say something.

My friend told me he thinks I should just continue building up rappor with her, but at same time, i'm in an unusual situation of "lying", which i'm not comfortable about for some internal and I think some obvious reasons.

Usually people lie the opposite way...say they are single when they are not! What a strange situation.

So, I thought i'd ask you guys, any advice on how you think I should approach this predicament?

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Your friend is right, I think. Just continue building up rapport with her. If you feel something is 'off' about telling her something, then just don't tell her. Just listen to your inner guide or whatever. When the times are right, you will process everything smoothly.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

In other words, don't try so hard and relax and if she likes you, she'll like you and be the one to make moves too, even if it's not as socially acceptable. And if what's you really want, just allow yourself to have it.

[Zed]

Be honest and tell her the truth.

They'll be all and you'll be all but there's no simpler way out, bite the bullet!

[Rubicon]

Be honest and tell her the truth.

They'll be all and you'll be all but there's no simpler way out, bite the bullet!

Yeah, pretty much... It should provide plenty of material for joking etc if she's as cool as you make out. :-p

[redbaron]

yeah I don't think it's that big of a deal. You could either just tell her, OR keep up the friendship and eventually let her know that you're not seeing someone anymore. Either way it's pretty innocent. (kinda cute that you're so worried about it. I think it means you're a good guy. )

[UDP]

28 posts from people outside the situation, 2 posts from the person in it.
We sure like giving our advice about relationships, don't we.

hmm hmm hmm

[Suz]

28 posts from people outside the situation, 2 posts from the person in it.
We sure like giving our advice about relationships, don't we.

hmm hmm hmm

very true lol! And the IEIs chimed in too!

[FDG]

Jesus, just tell her! It's not a big deal. I don't she'd take offense if you say that you just didn't feel like being approached by somebody that night, thus you lied that way. I would personally not say straight away "I didn't want to be available for a 50-yo woman", but probably she wouldn't take offense either, I think it's quite an understandable situation (you're in your early 30s?).

[Jarno]

So, here's the situation, I actually really like her, she likes me, but... she thinks I am SEEING SOMEBODY! UGH!!

I really didn't know how to overcome that, I mean, what do I say? I thought your mum was trying to fire into me? Ugh, doesn't sound that great at all.

there must be another thing you can come up with like:

- I don't like to talk about my relationship status, so I usually reply with "I'm seeing someone"

- I like to play jokes on people, so ...

- etc etc

There are 100 things you can get out of this situation with, this shouldn't be a problem at all!

[Cyrano]

OK, in a slight pickle.

I'd mentioned this to WorkaholicsAnon yesterday.

I went out on Friday night to my local pub (you may know that ISTp's can tend to like going to bars from time to time).

Anyway, I was standing at the bar and this woman in her 50's asked me if I was single.

Nothing against 50 odd year old women, but, I went into sort of "defence" mode if you will, incase she was going to try to have fun with/at me or try to chat me up and I said, "No, i'm seeing somebody". Really just to get her off my case.

Anyway, it turned out she was actually asking for her daughter. She was out with her partner and her daughter. Apparently her daughter has seen me a few times in the place and has found herself attracted to me, but was too shy to say something about it.

So, her daughter is stunning imo. I spent some hours talking to them, and got on really well with her daughter. Not only do I find her attractive but I get only EXTREMELY well with her, a really nice person and easy for me to get on with.

Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy.

So, here's the situation, I actually really like her, she likes me, but... she thinks I am SEEING SOMEBODY! UGH!!

I really didn't know how to overcome that, I mean, what do I say? I thought your mum was trying to fire into me? Ugh, doesn't sound that great at all.

Although, I suppose I have to say something.

My friend told me he thinks I should just continue building up rappor with her, but at same time, i'm in an unusual situation of "lying", which i'm not comfortable about for some internal and I think some obvious reasons.

Usually people lie the opposite way...say they are single when they are not! What a strange situation.

So, I thought i'd ask you guys, any advice on how you think I should approach this predicament?

Ha!

You dope. You are such an ISTp.

What was Mom thinking, asking her question in such a stupid way? What were you supposed to say?

Just tell the daughter the truth, tell the Mom that you are not in the habit of picking up women in bars. (bonus points!)

[tiny_dancer]

tell the Mom that you are not in the habit of picking up women in bars.

LOL!! Slick! He'll have a halo around his head in no time flat.

What was Mom thinking, asking her question in such a stupid way?

Moms get quite bold if they think their kids just need a little help. I think being older gives them some hindsight and rids them of inhibitions. You won't believe what the women I sail with will do. They're crazy. Just last weekend they were howling at these shirtless college guys (crew team) just because they could, and just because it would embarrass them.

[Cyrano]

LOL!! Slick! He'll have a halo around his head in no time flat.



Moms get quite bold if they think their kids just need a little help. I think being older gives them some hindsight and rids them of inhibitions. You won't believe what the women I sail with will do. They're crazy. Just last weekend they were howling at these shirtless college guys (crew team) just because they could, and just because it would embarrass them.

You know the old saying, "Youth is wasted on the young."

[tiny_dancer]

Yes, and I think they are trying to reinforce the point with me.

[redbaron]

You know the old saying, "Youth is wasted on the young."

so true...

[Creepy-Cyclops]

There has been some really good replies here, thanks people!

Yeah, I suppose i'm somewhat nervous because there was so many things with her that 'clicked' for me.

I thought about answering individual posts, but there's been so many cool ones! Maybe I could touch on some of them.

Kinda re the bar thing, this:

Being at a bar with her parents - I don't think that's odd in Europe. Cyclops may correct me if I'm wrong. Bars don't have the same social scene or connotations there that they do here. It depends on the bar, of course. But I remember seeing even little kids at neighborhood bars with their parents.

Is pretty true.

The bar I was in a was a local - like a local UK pub, 5 minutes walk from where I stay, not in the city where it could be a little different.

It's not unusual to see families going out in this sort of place, in some ways a local pub here can be a focal point for communities, families, that sort of thing.

Moms get quite bold if they think their kids just need a little help. I think being older gives them some hindsight and rids them of inhibitions. You won't believe what the women I sail with will do. They're crazy. Just last weekend they were howling at these shirtless college guys (crew team) just because they could, and just because it would embarrass them.

My interpretation was that her mum was just "brass necking it", possible even embarrassing her daughter a little.

On a personal note, maybe this sounds daft, but I thought it was cool that she'd went out with her mum and her mums partner that night, what I also noticed was that she was good at making sure everyone felt involved, thinking of others feelings, but in a more low key way (call that F, call that Fi, or just call it a considerate person). Sure I don't want someones mum hanging off my coat tail, lol, but at same time it was nice to see someone who (to me) was good at bonding of people. Sometimes my family can be a bit diverse so it's nice to see someone who can bring cohesion in such a way.

Look, a stunning girl you get along well with? You owe it to yourself to let her know how you feel if you'd be up for going out on a date at least.

Not telling her doesn't help anybody, and it certainly doesn't help you. Best not to linger on taking opportunities like this, imo.

Haha, so true.

Ha!

You dope. You are such an ISTp.

What was Mom thinking, asking her question in such a stupid way? What were you supposed to say?

Just tell the daughter the truth, tell the Mom that you are not in the habit of picking up women in bars. (bonus points!)

lol, slick indeed.

She might have some issues because of that, such as being open to dating guys w/ girlfriends. So just FYI. People who are willing to cheat w/ others may also be willing to cheat on you. Just keep in mind.

Well, maybe, but I did continue to talk to them for most of the night, so it takes 2 to tango, and as to what she said, it was nice to be complimented by someone who I had respect for from a physical point of view and a personal point of view (at least from what i'd seen). Other side of the coin is I wouldn't have engaged conversation, so i'm not entirely sure it plays out in black and white, hmmm, maybe you're right, i'll think about it some more.

why is it bad to tell someone those nice things, even if they're seeing someone else? I don't think it necessarily means she's willing to cheat! Sounds to me like she was just being honest. I mean, Cyclops isn't married. So if things were to not work out with his imaginary girlfriend, he might start seeing this real girl.

It's nice to be complimented.

This may amuse some people, a few weeks ago I was out and a couple of girls were standing next to me and my friend and one of them just said to me out of the blue, "hey, you're really good looking". Now - this isn't to blow my own trumpet, because, I just think i'm ordinary, but it's nice to be complimented. What's maybe amusing about that is I don't often know how to respond, sometimes kinda stumble like, I dunno, that guy Giles from Buffy the vampire slayer? Anyway, I suppose I haven't picked up quite as many opportunities in my life as I should have, but, personality is personality, I suppose.

Others, Gilly, Jarno, FDG and the rest, pretty much agree overall and good posts, thanks.

Hmmm, strange how i'm so excited, hehe.

But, seems we maybe have an ethical debate on our hands too!