The 16 Types Adventures

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 1: Hollywood Narcissism

Sam was jumping up and down. "I can't believe it, we get to hang out with Pink, Miley Cyrus and Jason Mraz all in one day!" He won some contest by playing those ghetto internet games where you have to do crazy shit like 'guess Obama's IQ.'

"And I get to choose three friends to go with. Dolphin, Steve and Eldanen! YAY." The camera panned to each of their faces respectively. Dolphin looked happy for sam, kind of sheepish, Steve looked confident and straight man-ish and Eldanen had his hand on Sam's butt.

A fat guard with an 'earl' name tag approached the quartet of losers. "okay kiddos, here are the rules. No touching, no asking about sex lives, you have to kiss their ass at least once every three minutes, no personal questions that are too personal, be sociable and friendly but not too deep. These are celeb kiddos! And remember it's for one hour only!!!"

Sam frowned at this. Something felt a little 'off'.

Meanwhile backstage,

"God I can't believe we have to do some stupid charity thing with that Midwestern ****** that nobody liked in high school. We write songs so he will make our own selves richer. Does he REALLY think we give a crap about him or that we actually have any of these feelings ourselves?"

Miley looked at Jason and Pink. Silence. Then, all three of them cracked up suddenly. Miley puckered her lips into the mirror and began speechifying. "People think artists are called to live fully, but that's just what they say to emo suburban losers like him so he'd leave the house more. So he can be humiliated even more than he already is, and so we can feed on his essence to make our own selves stronger. The truth is, to be in THIS business, you have to have balls and be a prick, two things Sam Leonard just doesn't have."

"God I wanna suck ****** cock and then go slide down on the waterslide in disney land" Jason said narcissitically. He's Jason Mraz, he can do what he wants! (said like that little blonde anoerxic bitch on the E! channel)

Jason Mraz came back after an hour. "God all this freedom the world is ours. And they're stuck, writing and being lost in their little introverted worlds. I have other people write my songs for me. I just get paid to look pretty. I am everything people inspire people to be." Jason sat on the bed and began fingering his own asshole.

Miley and Pink looked at each other and just giggled.

"So how much money do we make for this stupid event anyway?" Jason asked.

"It's charity isn't it?" Pink asked, snapping her fingers and making a gay man appear to do her own hair.

Miley shook her head. "Well that's just what we tell people but the truth is we each get three limos after this."

"Another one?" Jason said, looking up at the ceiling and throwing a hackey sack midair all chill and cool boy like. "I want my own island. Like Oprah does."

"Bitch you ain't no Oprah!" Miley said. "I'm just glad we're getting SOMETHING. And who knows, maybe it will feel good to help the kid out."

Miley looked at Pink and Jason again. More laughter.

"God I know everything. Everything in the universe is mine. MINE I TELL YOU. I don't feel, I just take, and they ALL FALL FOR IT! God just look at this cheap plastic crap." Jason held up a doll made in his likeness. "People ACTUALLY buy their kids that instead of teaching them what really goes on in the world."

"You're on in 5" a jewish camera man said, the stuck up hollywood kind that kisses celeb ass but is too chicken shit and self-loathing to go on a gay date himself and just talks about being gay in top-shelf fashion magazines and rants what being gay is about in narcissistic new york newspapers that all the sociliates read, but hasn't done 1 real world gay shit in his life. Cause that would be gay.

"Okay girls, let's do this shit!" Miley said.

End of chapter 1

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 2: Meet Miley

The trailer doors swung open. Sam gulped as he saw Miley sitting there, and instantly when he locked eyes with her she absorbed his soul and knew everything about him. She didn't CARE of course, but she objectively KNEW everything about his life with just one damn look, and that sent a chill up his spine.

Sam knew what was going on here. Miley had the ability to absorb the social imprint of everybody in the universe and used others feelings against them, so they would be intimidated into being nice to her. He then looked at Jason, who pretended to be a cool homoerotic gay-friendly young man but actually liked beating people up, he was only gay in regards to his own narcissism (would only sleep with guys unless they had perfect bodies) He wouldn't show affection or love to any of his many gay male fanbase, he just fucked the shit out of them and left them. He enjoyed seeing them suffer. What fags.

And then there was Pink, who... Sam actually couldn't get a good read on Pink. She seemed, kind of- sad, for some reason?

Sam held up his arms out, protecting Dolphin, Steve and Eldanen. "This is.... a trap. They are trying to absorb our souls, they feed off our very dreams, destroy our dreams to boost their own selves. Don't you, Miley?"

Miley laughed and twirled her hair with her fingers. "You're funny! I like funny people."

"Cut the crap Miley. I know who you are!" Sam said. "Why did I believe in you. Why did I waste my time dancing to your music in my pajamas at 3 in the morning when I should have just got a license and a job!" Steve and Dolphin looked at Sam and kind of blushed for him.

Miley stood up, her arms folded, and began psychologically abusing Sam. "Isn't that just like you, playing the victim and blaming others for your problems! Well you know, nobody's perfect so get back on that horse, okay? And we can be as mean to you as we want, it's not like anybody would believe you if you told them, you're just a shy little fag that got picked on in high school. Why do you think we chose people like you" Miley said confidently. "We make all these tv shows that pretend to empower middle-class mucks like you but really we just want you zoned in front of the tv so we can absorb your soul the more you watch. God, you people from the midwest are SO NAIVE!"

Sam sighed. "I know why they have the no-touch rule as well. Because, touching is a connection that is on a deeper innate realm then psychological control and soul-sucking manipulation. When you touch somebody, you can't help but be connected to them whether you like them or not. And as a Star, you are used to being sought after, but not touched. We all need to be touched that way, Miley. But you only let other narcissists near your pussy and two incorporeales does not a corporeal make."

Steve looked at Sam. "Isn't that....touching."

"And well, if we touch you that means we can kill you- and so yeah there's probably that too." Sam looked at Miley and licked his lips, suggesting he was about to kick some ass. "GUARDS!" Miley screamed. "This guy said he was gonna touch me!!!" Miley ranted. "He even licked his lips too OH MY GAWSH you guys got all that right? You need help, sir. I hope you get the counseling you need! I also heard you have internet addiction...."

Suddenly, a horde of about 15 news reporters flocked toward Sam's like hornets-to-honey and flashed a billion lights in his face. Steve gulped. "Oh no. What should we do?" He looked around for his mom to fix everything, but she wasn't there. Not this time. His voice also was annoningly calm even in a situation like this. Damnit Steve!

Dolphin looked around and nudged Sam. "We have to....get out of here. God I just stated the obvious. I'm sorry."

"We can't use magic in public" Sam whispered back, trying to zone out from the barrage of questions and paper/pens in his face.

"We don't get anywhere following the damn rules" Eldanen said. "Disaperazo!" He waved his hands and teleported the three of them out of there....

And into the middle of the Sahara Desert.

"That was......what the hell was that!?" Sam asked angrily.

"I just well....." Eldanen shrugged.

"You just gave her a TELEPORTATION spell. She absorbs magical slash psychological powers, you dolt!" Sam hit Eldanen on the back of his head.

"I'm sorry...." he looked down.

"Melee was the only way to go with her....." Sam said.

"You're not much of a melee fighter though, Sam" dolphin said. "Well, neither am I. And neither is Eldanen. Because we're gay men and or straight females." Dolphin looked directly at Steve.

"Yeah well I was TRYING to create a diversionary tactic so Steve would sneak up behind her, but you just stood there!" Sam looked at Steve too, and then Eldanen.

Steve shrugged. "How was I supposed to know that?"

Sam sighed. "I guess it doesn't matter. Look, I'm sorry okay. I just....well, Miley and them are evil. Well, something was wrong with Pink. I mean wrong in the sense that, she didn't seem all that bad. And even Jason was kinda....I don't know. But Miley is definitely the ringleader there."

Miley suddenly appeared in a gust of wind magic in front of the quartet, the same spell that Eldanen used to make them get away. "God why do you stick your nose where it doesn't belong! Why are you so fucking......insightful."

"Because he sucks so much at sports?" Steve said.

"STEVE!" Sam yelled. "Kick her fucking ass!"

"It's not hard for me to kill a bunch of nobody fags like y'all." Miley taunted. She then went straight for Eldanen and promptly snapped his neck. "Thanks for the power, sweetie."

Sam and Dolphin and Steve's jaws dropped.

Angrily, Steve rushed at her and tackled her to the ground. Miley recover flipped up and kicked Steve, but he blocked. Steve palm striked Miley in the face. Miley kicked up twice, once kicking sand in Steve's face and the other, simply kicking his face.

"Sam, ressurect him!" Dolphin said in tears, cradling Eldanen's dead body. He looked white and felt cold.

"She'll just....copy the power. I can't. And stay back, don't cast any spells. We can't lose you too."

Miley tried to go after Sam and Dolphin, but Steve kept pulling her hair back to face him instead, holding aggro on Miley as much as possible.

"Steve....it's all you. You can do this. You don't need your mother. You just need your superior physical straight man strength!"

Steve got naturally stronger by about 20 point 7 percent, Sam had indirectly cast a buff spell on Steve with his gay male encouragement. Miley just absorbed the spell on herself, and the fight was even again. Steve and Miley roundhouse kicked each other at exactly the same time, each foot blocking the other, like in the Kill Bill fight between Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah.

Sam sighed. "I didn't....mean to do that."

Sam tried to think. But every thought he had, Miley was just absorbing. This wouldn't go too well. "Dolphin, we have to.....we have to meditate. Compress our powers so she can't absorb our magic. And then it's just a strong adult straight man against a little petite teenage girl and I hate to be politically incorrect, but we all know how that's gonna go."

Dolphin frowned. "I don't know how to meditate. At least, not as good as you Sam."

Sam grabbed Dolphin's hands. "Yes, you can....just....focus on your breathing......Relax." Sam copied the same techniques to Dolphin that he learned from Diana Lang (You can buy it here: Amazon.com: Opening to Meditation eBook: Diana Lang: Kindle Store) YAY just because I'm emo doesn't mean I'm not a capitalist that can't advertise people who have good shit!)

Their consciousness broke open, all the pain Dolphin and Sam felt from Eldanen's death, all their raw magic and hope and ideals that introverted percevings have, kinda just dissipated into the grains of sand and to the vast environment of the desert. For a little while.

"Our magic is becoming too diluted for Miley to absorb, keep it up!"

"SAM EVERYTIME YOU ENCOURAGE ME YOU JUST CAST ANOTHER SPELL. I KNOW WHAT TO DO!" Dolphin said.

"Uh....right"

Steve noticed Miley was becoming weaker, each hit felt more like he was punching a saggy bag of veggies rather than a brick wall, he kept it up, her face becoming squishier and malleable, punching and kicking her ass repeatedly. Miley begun to bleed, begun to ....feel? But she would never let anybody know.

"God FUCKING GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE STRAIGHT" he kicked her in the stomach and she coughed out blood, and also her liver.....and then for the finishing blow he snapped her neck the same way she snapped Eldanen's.

"Sam, the resurrection spell. Now!" Dolphin pointed.

"I can't...it's too late. There's a, there's a time frame for that. He's gone forever." Sam looked at Eldanen's cold dead body.

Steve looked at Eldanen and began crying. "No."

~End of Chapter 2~

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 3: A Day In The Desert

Dolphin and Steve were sobbing around Eldanen's body.

"We need to find some way to get out of here...." Sam told the group. "Eldanen was the only one who knew how to teleport and well, he's dead."

"Sam, why are you so....why aren't you crying?" Dolphin asked like a curious little girl who can't buy a barbie from toys r us."

"He's a fag. He deserved to die."

Steve and Dolphin GASPED at that.

"I mean, he was weak, she targeted him cause he was weak, the most fragile party member- she chose him right away. He should have....been quicker. Escaped somehow."

Steve and Dolphin looked at each other and just grimaced. "Why are you being so cold?" Dolphin asked.

"BECAUSE WE ARE AT WAR WITH EVIL, WE WILL NOT GET ANYWHERE BEING SOFT LITTLE FAGS!" Sam shouted. He then walked off in the desert. They all remained silent and just kept walking, for five minutes.

"This is useless" Steve commented. "We have no idea where we are going. The sun sets in the west and Sam is walking thataway....so okay, we are going north. But we don't even know what that will lead to. We'll die from thirst."

"No, we won't. I can conjure food and water like a world of warcraft mage. But for now, all we need is water." Dolphin concentrated and made three canteens for the party. "Flow!" she said, the outline of a small triangle suddenly materialized on her forehead and glowed a dull blue. Water magic flowed from her veins to the canteens. She handed them out to Steve and Sam, and finally to herself. The water felt so cold and good down their throats.

"Wow, thanks Dolphin" Steve said, smiling. "Mmhmm, that triangle, I noticed Sam had that same thing on his forehead when he cast a spell. It's something all casters have, apparently."

"Oh? I never noticed. I guess, I never looked at myself while I was casting magic....." Dolphin then reached out and cast a small waterfall in the air so Sam could look at his reflection. He cast a basic healing spell on himself, called 'Gain'. Sam stepped back a little, startled. "My triangle...it's only a half triangle."

Sam frowned. "I'm not a pure caster...."

"That surprises you?" Dolphin said. "You're a Shaman, after all. Shamans are hybrids."

Sam shook his head. "But I don't understand. I suck at melee. All I know is good healing magic...."

"Maybe your other half just isn't activated yet" Dolphin said. "While we are in the desert, we should find monsters to level up!"

"All you need is food and water and exercise to live" Steve said. "And love and friends." Sam and Dolphin rolled their eyes at Steve's tendency to use self-help book cliches. "We have all of that, here. So what if we're lost in a desert!"

"How are we going to sleep? I don't think Dolphin can conjure tents and blankets too...." Sam said.

"I dunno, we'll find a cave or something. I'm not even tired yet though" Dolphin said.

"Coyotes will eat us in our sleep" Sam said.

"Law of Attraction bro. If you THINK coyotes will eat you, they will eat you."

Sam picked up a rock and threw it at Steve's head. "Did you think I was going to do that?"

"Well, no...." Steve blushed.

Dolphin giggled at that.

Steve rubbed his head. "Ow!" Sam cast Gain on Steve.

The holy trinity of tank, damage dealer and healer walked their cute little butts around the desert until they got to their first random encounter.

"Isn't that.....

GULANZON?" Sam stepped back, squinting his eyes. "It's little imp creatures with the face of Gulanzon, holding up tiny lil spears" he said. "Is he a bad guy?" Dolphin asked.

"I don't know, but they're going down!" Steve rushed after the imps. Sam stayed back and healed Steve while Dolphin used Water magic from the background.

Dolphin yawned. "Desert creatures, weak against water. How typical."

Sam, Dolphin and Steve spent the rest of the day hanging out and leveling up in the desert. They got tired and decided to take a break around a fairly large-ish rock.

"This isn't working. I don't really feel any stronger in melee....my healers are a little stronger, oh and I can do THIS now." Sam cast a Pink Triangle on Steve. "It's like power word: shield, only it's a pink triangle. You know, for gayness. And no gay debuff thing either, but it is kinda hefty on the MP."

Dolphin smiled. "And I can cast Area of Effect Water magic now."

"And I can......." Steve shrugged. "I already had lots of abilities because I'm a straight man and I spend more time in the real world than you two, but my raw power and stats increased."

"Oh!" Dolphin reached out from behind and took out a large, beautiful oak wooden staff. It had some sort of blue cloth bandaged around near the bottom tip. "It's a Shaman staff, I found it off one of the Saharan Lizards we downed." She handed Sam the staff.

"Thanks." Sam and Dolphin and Steve just looked at each other for awhile. "The sun is setting....let's say we go back where we came from, and give Eldanen a proper burial? I'm sorry I stormed off like that before."

"Okay...." Steve looked at Dolphin, then Sam. "Um. Which way was he again."

"I think this way...." Sam said.

"No, this way....." Dolphin said.

"No......" Steve said.

Three cute lil anime sweat drops appeared over the trio's heads.

"It's too dangerous to go looking for him" Dolphin said. "His body will just decay into the sand, or be food for vultures. You know if it hasn't already."

Sam frowned, and then finally released the emotions he had been holding back. Tears poured down and his body trembled. "Eldanen, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We will avenge your death, I promise." Dolphin and Steve comforted Sam, Steve putting one hand on Sam's left shoulder and Dolphin the right. Tired from the release of emotions, they fell asleep on the sand.

~End of Chapter 3~

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 4: The Rape

Jason Mraz looked out the window, you could see all of Disneyland from up here, on the tenth floor. Jason and Pink were in one of their 12 homes, a mansion on the outskirts of Disneyland. (About five minutes from the trailer they first met Sam in.)

"I wonder when Miley will be back" Jason asked.

"She should have no trouble killing them off" Pink said, who was working out with a 10-lb lavendar weight that had 14-karat diamonds embedded in the handles. The room was carpetted all over in white mink fur, and had a giant king-sized water bed with purple covers and pillows stitched by Bobby Trendy.

Jason put his head down. "I feel lonely. What is up with that? I mean we have all this shit, and I'm still not satisfied in life. I wonder why I was never as powerful as Miley, you know. And then it hit me. Humanity." Jason's body shook. "It's why I go for the hurt instead of the kill. Miley killed people before. She was.....pure. I could never do that. I just break hearts, tease fags, maybe put a few homos in the hospital." He spun around in a dramatic fashion. "But I can't KILL."

Pink shrugged. "Neither can I. And I feel it too. As powerful as Miley got, she was a complete narcissist who couldn't care. I could never be like that." Pink flexed some more. "I don't do anything to help realistically but hey, I still care. That's why pathetic losers and social outcasts love my music. I really DO know what it's like. I'd just never go to like Wyandotte Michigan and actually physically help with them with anything cause it's like 'BLEGAGH!'"

"But we're celebrities. We're better looking than everybody else, our shit really DOESN'T stink, cause of that special raw seafood diet we eat, and unlike dumb Midwesterners we know not to eat dumb snack cakes that are bad for us." Jason ripped his shirt off. "Look at this bod....god." He raised his arms and kissed his own pits. "But it's like, the more you improve yourself.....there is still just this, deep down loneliness. God. Miley didn't have a soul, so she never felt it. But was that the biggest loss of all? It's like something other than material beauty can fill this void but I don't know WHAT."

"I believe you're talking about true love" Pink said matter-of-factly.

"I can't love. I mean, I'm in competition with them. In the Gay Life it's all about who has the best car and hottest body and who can backstab and hurt the people the most and gather the most stuff, you know? It's the thrill of the chase. It's....."

"Kill or be killed. I get it" Pink said. "But don't you think, in the end it's all the same. The killer becomes the killed. I saw Sam and the others' eyes. It's like, I dunno. It's like they actually cared, like they actually wanted to help things. Make the world a better place."

"God, why do that when you can just...have you SEEN this water bed?" Jason jumped on it and bobbled up and down. "Mmmmmm" he purred. "People who try to play hero, they only get killed. This is the life, you know everything I was saying before? Ah. I was just, I dunno, being silly. Forget it" He looked at Pink. With lust in his eyes. "Let's fuck."

Pink got up and took a few steps backward. "Jason, you're gay."

"Yeah, but I don't want to be. And they can't know that." He ran toward Pink and grabbed her arm. "I said, let's fuck."

Pink shook her head, looking at Jason with the empathetic look of a concerned social worker. "Jason, no. You're....gay. You need to admit it. I can help."

Jason laughed in Pink's face. "What, you don't think I can rape you? Because I'm a fag. Is that what you think?"

Pink stepped back. "Jason....."

"Miley was never our friend, she was just copying what she could get out of us- she was going to steal this mansion. And I'm tired of sharing it with you!"

"Miley was empty, hollow, but Jason. Jason, you're not. Jason, our friendship means more to me than this waterbed, or these diamond weights. Or my..... well not my cashmere sweaters or my cabin in Malibu but um, I'm just saying - I do care about you."

"I want your cunt" Jason kicked Pink in the kneecaps.

Pink frowned. "Don't do this."

"I'll rape you, then kill you-- and make it look like a suicide. They won't even know. I'm so fucking brilliant." His eyes raged with intense fiery narcissism. He pushed Pink against the wall. Pink roundhouse kicked him back. She raced for the exit. But Jason grabbed Pink's hair and threw her on the bed. Pink recoiled her legs back, then jutted them outward, knocking Jason back. Pink dived for Jason, but Jason grabbed the weight and backhanded Pink's face with it!

Her eyes blurred. "I c-can't see. You made me go half-blind."

"Yeah good bitch, hahaa yeaaah" Jason said. He pulled Pink's shorts down and kissed her deeply.

Pink suddenly vanished from Jason's embrace and appeared behind him. She conjured two daggers that appeared in her hands. She tried to aim at his back, but her vision blurred from being knocked hard in the skull with real weights, so she just tripped forward.

"Rogue class. How cute. Want to know what I am?" Jason picked up Pink single-handedly by the throat, spitting her in the face and getting hard while making his pecs move by themselves.

"Shaman." A dark-blue, almost black, triangle glowed on Jason's forehead, but it was a full triangle unlike Sam's -- and also looked way manlier and bad-ass. "Everything you can do, I can do too. And I can also heal but god, who wants to do gay supportive shit like that when you can do this..." He threw Pink backwards towards the window but luckily she didn't fall out.

"You love him. Sam is different from the other gay boys" Pink said, coughing up blood. "You love him" she repeated.

"STOP SAYING THAT BITCH" Jason punched Pink in the abdomen as hard as he could. He grabbed her boobs and squeezed them roughly, digging his nails deep into her skin. Pink yelled out in agony, her body crimpling in unconsensual submission. He thrust his dick into her, and humped her against the wall in one violent torrent. As soon as he orgasmed, he grabbed one of her daggers from her hands and slit her throat.

"The male rush, the abuse of power....this is incredible. This is...." As soon as the pleasure from the orgasm subsided, Jason suddenly vomited. "Oh god, what have I done? Pink. Pink?"

Jason eyes' teared up, soft with empathy and guilt and he instantly revived Pink with a ressurection spell. Her blindness was cured as well. "Pink, I'm so-sorry?" He reached out to comfort her.

Pink cried. "Get away from me. I'm out....I'm out of Hollywood, this lifestyle. I'm.... Oh god, I can't- I can't let Miley kill them." She vanished away using her Rogue powers.

"But I revived you, you dumb bitch!" Jason angrily punched the wall. "That makes it okay, right. You're better now right, you're healed. I revived you! Come back to me.... please somebody......come back to me......." His face was completely red and he was bawling his eyes out.

A voiceover of Pink could be heard in Jason's head. "No, I'm not okay. I'll never be okay with what you've done to me. How could you Jason. I was your only true friend. And now you're all alone. Have fun in your 'dog eat dog' world. It hurts Jason. You could never make the emotional pain go away just because you healed me physically.....and cause you're a celebrity and hot, you won't get in real trouble and the world's sytems would defend you. But you will have guilt. Guilt for the rest of your life."

Jason sobbered and slobbered all over himself. "This soul.....I can't live with it. I know where I gotta go." He crawled his way out of the mansion.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 5: Specs of Light

"Get up" ... Sam's eyes slowly opened. "Mom? Uh....."

"AYIEEE" Sam tried to kick Pink, but Pink blocked by grabbing his foot. "I'm here to help you, not kill you."

"Yeah right," Steve cast taunt on Pink, she instinctively dropped Sam's foot and couldn't see or remember anything about Sam or Dolphin, it's like they completely evaporated from her perception and conscience. "No, it's....." She shook her head, letting Steve punch her in the face a few times. When the taunt spell ended, she cried out. "I'M NOT HERE TO FIGHT, PLEASE!"

Sam looked at Pink, reading her with his shaman magic. "She's telling the truth." He healed her from Steve's blows. "Pink, you were nowhere near as bad as Miley, or Jason. What were you doing with those two anyway?"

Dolphin grumbled, slowly getting up, wiping the sleepies from her eyes. "W-what's going on?"

Pink looked up at the gang. "I don't know. I was ambivalent. Misled. I felt too good for the real world with all the uncreative losers in it, but the hollywood narcissism world, I just.... it was nice, and all. But kind of empty, you know?" She then gave a typical aesop about how celebrity is overrated. "But god I do miss the cars and the clothes."

"You don't have to quit entirely" Sam said. "And t-there's nothing wrong with liking that stuff, right? It's just well, don't be evil?"

"Miley didn't kill you?" Pink asked. Well, duh Pink. "That means...."

Steve nodded. "We killed Miley. We had to. Self-defense, and um she killed Eldanen. Plus you know, uh she's a pure demon with no soul."

"I'm part demon" Sam said, putting his head down and reminiscing about his bad boy days.

"We all are, everybody with powers is" Pink said. "We can do good or we can do evil, or we can just get rid our souls and become pure evil. Like Miley chose to do."

"There's no pure good?" Dolphin asked, stretching.

Sam sighed. "No, I'm afraid not. Just evil and well, not quite so evil and a bunch of hard, small choices everyday that build up to become good. Maybe."

Steve nodded. "There's the humans, the ones we supposedly protect- when they're not busy treating *everybody* with powers like they're the bad guys, and then there are ones with magic, who protect the boring no-power humans when we're not too busy fighting with each other and being lured to just be lazy and not do anything and bask in the riches we automatically receive for knowing how to go with the flow, and well.....it's complicated. Who is good, who is evil. I thought it was simple. But it's complicated."

"Pure demons like Miley Cyrus though, it's not so complicated. And it's fun kicking their asses" Sam said. "I guess that's our mission. To erase all pure demon narcissists from the world. And we'll deal with the morally gray areas as a delicate process when they come up."

"How do we know even how many pure demons there are? How do we test it?" Steve asked.

"Shamans and other healer classes can sense it" Pink said. "Jason thought Miley was better than him, because she had no soul and he did, and would like constantly make fun of him for his soft fag lovey ness."

"Yeah so that answers the latter question. But how many do we kill? How many are left?" Dolphin asked.

Pink shrugged. "I was never into the higher ups, and Miley was just a fresh pure demon herself. I have my connections, but they are shady folk. They won't give us information without a lot of crap in return."

"The only thing I'm worried about now" Sam told the group, "Is getting out of this damn desert."

Steve looked at Pink. "You're a Rogue, you can teleport."

Pink sighed. "Just two things with that. I can only do that once a day, and um- it only works on myself, as a self-cast. It's not as good as a Warlock's teleport."

Sam put his head down, "Eldanen...." But it wasn't the time to mourn.

"Well Ms. Pink, why did you come down here then" Dolphin asked. "'Cause you're just stuck with us for the rest of the day."

Pink shrugged. "I don't know, I just wanted to help and I guess....I let my emotions take over. Well tomorrow I will get a private jet to come here and pick y'all up."

"Why would the people you worked with help us?" Steve asked.

"They won't. When the jet comes, it will be to kill you. Or so they think. But you'll just kill them instead and steal the jet. You can't tell them that I'm helping you out though, of course."

"You have to play both sides, for the greater good of all" Sam sighed. "I get that."

"Looks like we're going to be in the desert a little while longer. Who wants to level up some more?" Dolphin said excitedly.

The next day,

A jet arrived with three ninja-looking dudes to kill them, just like Pink said would happen. "Something is wrong, they knew we were coming!" one of the ninjas said, a skinny but tall dude in a gray suit. He then teleported out of there while Steve killed the other two by banging their skulls together.

"Uh oh" Sam said. "We're going to get Pink in trouble. Hurry, let's fly back. Because Steve is the straight guy, he'll fly the jet."

After a few hours, they got back to the states. When they walked around in L.A, they noticed Tabloids were filled all over the stands about the highlights of Pink's death. 'Drug overdose' they said. But Sam, Dolphin and Steve knew the real truth.

"This sucks so much. She sacrificed herself to save us. I can't believe it. God why didn't we kill that last GUARD, why god why! First Eldanen, now Pink. This isn't worth it!" Sam said.

"But Miley Cyrus is dead" Dolphin said.

"That's ONE death to our TWO" Sam said. "We're losing. And we don't even know how to nab a Pure Demon, I only know when I'm face-to-face with one of them."

"Well, we'll just have to walk around LA until we find one" Steve said. "C'mon, it's LA, dude. Pure demons gotta be everywhere. You can't give up, Sam. This is really just the beginning."

"This is....this is pointless. Hopeless. We're fighting a losing battle" Sam said. "Just let evil win, they control everything anyway."

Dolphin sighed. "Sam, do you know how many gay teenage boys you saved by killing Miley?"

Steve reached his hand out. "Uh, actually I was the one who- Sorry go on."

"How many of them will get jobs and driver's licenses and actually go out and explore the world instead of being hypnotized by her music, instead of buying cheap pop diva merchandise that exists only to make her stronger."

"They'll just drift off to Britney instead" Sam said.

"It doesn't matter. You made the world brighter, even if it was just a spec of light and even if it only lasted for the moment her neck was being snapped. You can't just let all those specs go out, just stomp on all the specs and glimpses of pure happiness, just because most of the world is indeed shrouded in darkness and yucky veil stuff."

Sam sighed. "I guess you're right. And not just me. We did it."

"No, you two had to meditate to not make the problem any worse while I actually- OKAY OKAY. Yeah! Go team go!" Steve said.

Dolphin smiled brightly. "Good. Now just.... I don't know." Her stomach grumbled. "I'm starved, let's get something to eat in a nice hip LA restaurant. I can conjure food but trust me, it's not as good as a regular meal."

~End of Chapter 5~

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 6: En Route to Starr Commonwealth

"I wonder if all Pure demons absorb magic, like Miley did. What do know of them besides they are all pure demons. Do they all work together?" Sam blabbered on while the holy trinity continued to walk in L.A.

"Uh, not now" Steve whispered- cause a homeless man in a brown coat was looking at them like they were crazy. The trio entered a restaurant.

"Yes, I'll have a salad with extra water chestnuts and a bread roll please" Dolphin said to the mexican at the counter.

"I'll have uh a slice of cheese pizza and um.....a bottle of water" Sam said, curious if he could sense the subtle difference between Dolphin's conjured water and aquafina's.

"I'll have the lasagna" Steve said.

They got their food, paid for their food and sat down. Not on their food, but on a table.

"Not really hip. More trashy tourist cafeteria ish but hey- that guy looks kinda famous!" Sam said, pointing to some jew-looking man in a trenchcoat.

"I don't know where anything is, I was just hungry" Dolphin said. "And besides, we don't have enough money to eat in a hip fancy place. None of us have jobs."

"You can't conjure money?" Steve asked.

"No, just water and mediocre food" Dolphin shrugged.

"It doesn't matter, we don't need fancy things. It'd probably just corrupt me anyway."

"Now Sam, money isn't the root of evil" Steve said mommy-like while scooping up a forkfull of lasagna.

"It isn't the path to happiness either!" Sam said, knowing Steve got that from one of those Law of Attraction cards he buys and hides under his bed.

"Well, we're going to need lots of money to even reach most of the pure demons" Steve said. "I mean, just think about it. We only got THAT close to Miley Cyrus out of raw luck, all because you won that game on the internet."

"Was it really luck?" Sam said. "Maybe it was fate."

"Don't count on it. We all have to think of a way to make money, so we can do what we're really meant to do: fight evil and save the world" Steve said.

"I guess you really can't fight evil as the poor underdog" Sam said.

"No, that only happens in fairytales" Dolphin said.

"But most jobs are just shitty illusions. People with real power don't work in places like this!" Sam said. "Or work at all. They just psychologically and socially control everything."

"I know" Dolphin sighed. "That's why we all gotta...." she looked at Steve. "Write a self-help book or something."

Steve drooled at the idea.

Sam swallowed the last of his cheese pizza. "Oh, pure demon!"

"Where?" Steve turned around, ready to fight.

"Not here, silly ready-to-fight straight boy."

Steve frowned. "That's all the way back in Michigan. We're in LA."

"A warlock will teleport us there if I give him a blowjob. I know just the place." Sam said.

"But when we're done how are we going to get back to California, where most of the Pure Demons reside?" Steve asked. "Michigan law bans warlocks from living there, it'll be a one-way trip."

"And they're not going to let us on any planes anytime soon" Steve continued, finishing up his lasagna. "Haven't you heard, the world thinks we're the bad guys now." He reached out for the newspaper that was laid down on the empty table behind them and threw it at Sam and Dolphin. It was a front-page article about how Sam was wanted for the kidnapping and death of Miley Cyrus and how he 'groomed' her and sexually offended her. The article had a black and white photo of Sam with scared faggy deer-in-the-headlight eyes with the media all bombarding around him. And it SO did not help that his zipper happened to be accidentally unzipped!

Sam read the article in fear and disgust. Also, Steve's Ne was beginning to bug. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I just know the exact location of a pure demon and that's our job, right? Pure demon hunters. So let's go hunt us a pure demon."

The mexican owner kept looking at the trio. Dolphin looked around. "We shouldn't be seen here, let's go."

They walked around town, dodging all cops and people that looked like they'd turn them in. They bought some new clothes to hide their appearance a bit.

"I can't believe it, we're wanted criminals. The actual bad guys get away with being bad and the ones who really help, become hunted."

Dolphin sighed. "I know....just keep walking."

Sam, Dolphin and Steve entered a gay bar. Sam took a guy in a dark room, a drag queen, and began sucking him off. You could see the silhouette of the action. When he was finished, the drag queen waved his hands and in a rush of tornadoe-y wind, the trio was teleported to the entrance of Starr Commonwealth.

Starr was a humble looking place with wide paved streets and a bunch of little houses all around called cottages, where juvenile teenage boys lived. 14 boys to one cottage. Behind the gang there was a large highway that was mostly desolate, since Starr was in the middle of nowhere just about, and behind that stood a large corn field.

"The things I do for the greater good, I probably got gonorrhea from that" Sam sighed, casting 'Dispel Disorder' on himself to remove any stds (debuffs) from the encounter.

"Come on" Sam said to the gang. "Ms. Hunt's estate is somewhere inside......"

"Sam, LOOK!" Dolphin pointed to three strong black men, called 'Starr Thugs' that were walking towards the party. "I can keep one under control with Sleep magic, Steve, you tank the other two. Sam, heal!"

Steve rushed to the Starr thugs, and was surprised when just one of the thugs blew 1/4 of his HP off in one hit. And they also hit fast. "Oh shit" Steve said.

Sam panicked and healed Steve over and over again, trying to concentrate.

"They have a lot of HP too" Steve yelled out. Dolphin did her best to bring them down while Sam healed like a mother fuck. Steve died suddenly. Critical Hit. The Starr thugs went RIGHT after Sam, all dominant and scary and straight man like.

"NO!" Dolphin shout out. She cast a spell called 'Chill', slowing them down while they ran. It was just enough to make them not reach Sam. Sam ran around the thugs and got close enough to resurrect and heal Steve. Because this game is cooler than World of Warcraft, remember you CAN resurrect in Battle as long as it's not more than 10 seconds after the death! Sam shielded himself with Triangle, as the Starr Thug would one shot him otherwise, and ran back away, healing himself to full. Steve got threat back from the thugs just in the nick of time while Dolphin re-Slept the other one.

"GOD DAMNIT THIS FIGHT IS SO HARD BUT AWESOME!" Dolphin called out, casting a strong torrent of water to the back of the dumb ******'s skull. "Water magic isn't that good for humans though. And half my MP is gone already." She tried to aim her magic in all of their tender spots. One of the thugs got an ear infection from the water, a minor debuff, but every little bit helped.

"We got this, it's okay, it will be rough- but we got this, okay?" Sam said, remembering to keep Triangle on Steve as often as possible in cast of another critical hit.

"The first one's almost dead" Steve said, using 'Whirlwind Punch', 'Straight Jab', 'Elbow Punch' and then 'Uppercut'. His rotation was complicated, but he knew if he fucked up just one thing it would be all over."

Sam scored a lucky critical heal on Steve, but his jaw dropped when he noticed a fourth Starr Thug coming straight toward them! As soon as the patrol walked past the sleeping Starr Thug, he woke him up and the two ran toward Dolphin.

"FUCKING PAT FUCKING PAT FUCKING PAAAAAAT!!!!" Sam screamed out at Dolphin, forgetting that she doesn't know mmorpg speak that well yet.

"Pat? Who do we know that's named Pat. Do you mean that guy that you-" Dolphin suddenly got one shotted by the two black men.

"Sam, w-we have to let her go, she's too far up ahead to ress!" Steve called out as he ran toward Sam. "JUST RUN!"

"No, dolphin, I-" Sam would not lose Dolphin. And especially not in a random encounter, even if was hard - omg 7 seconds left, 2 second cast." Sam then remembered one of his ultimate abilities: GAY RANT! Sam gave a condescending, preachy speech about gay rights and suddenly everybody in the battle besides Sam, ie Steve and the starr thugs -- were fast asleep, cartoony zzzs appearing over their heads like in the game Aion. Sam revived Dolphin, woke up Steve by slapping him, and the sleep lasted on the thugs just long enough for them to completely escape the battle. (Dolphin cast a jetstream of Water on her back as soon as she revived to catch up with the others) They ran completely out into a huge corn field until the mobs lost their leash on them and turned back around in the other direction. Sam had felt a strong gust of wind from a Starr Thug's fist, but thankfully there was no contact. Sam's MP was COMPLETELY sucked dry.

The three rested up in the corn fields, drinking water and sitting down in a semi-circle. "Pant pant pant" they all caught their breath.

"oh god that was- was intense." Dolphin said, stating the obvious as usual.

"Yeah in this world if you're dead for more than 10 seconds, you stay dead- there's no spirit rezz gay thingie" Sam said. "Oh god" He hugged Dolphin and Steve. Sam then realized something. "You both died. What was that like?"

"Really, really painful" Steve said. "God what happens if YOU die. Dolphin and I can't rezz!"

Sam shook his head. "This is so hard....I...." Suddenly he saw a young woman run towards them.

"SAM!?! I saw the entire fight from the top of the watchtower and ran down here as soon as I could....I, what is going on here?" She looked at Steve and Dolphin. "Hiya."

"V-vero?" Sam said. "VERO! What are YOU doing at Starr?"

"I'm a social worker here now. Because you know, us canadians are good with social work." She lifted up her glasses. "I thought I could help destroy Starr from the inside out, but it's rather difficult."

"You have to go for the source, the Pure Demons. I know of one, Ms. Hurt. Kill her, and it would weaken the whole place."

Vero's hands glowed with electricity. "Oh yeah I know her. Total bitch. Well, let's do this shit, yo!"

Vero's theme music played. (A kind of alien-ish, techno/rock beat) Vero has joined the party!

Dolphin felt some natural female jealousy. "Water and lightning....don't mix" she frowned.

~End of Chapter 6~

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 33: Just Scry Me

My friends are in trouble, Sam thought while flipping a hamburger in his gay, socially awkward PLEASE GOD SAVE ME, AN ENFP SAID THEY WANTED ME TO WORK HERE IN REAL LIFE AND LOOK WHAT AM I DOING, I FEEL SO INSECURE mcdonald's outfit. But it's bigger than that. Not only are they suffering emotionally, their inner private lives - But their outside life as well, the one they have to keep mending everyday if they want Eldanen to save the world. Steve and Dolphin work in the mornings but they're not at their jobs cause of well....subjective magic trouble.

There must be a way for me to make it all better, Sam thought. He looked over at a co-worker, some dude with shaggy hair and a lot of acne.

"Hey Lenny you think you can cover for me?" Sam asked.

"Nice try sex offender, but people told me about you- how much of a slacker you are, and I'm not gonna let you do it." He looked at Sam in that kind of real world way, the kind of condescending looks they give all magical introverts who are destined to save the world. The looks people give others cause they think they are better than everybody just cause they have a job and are 'realistic.' "What is your deal man? I have a driver's license unlike you, and I'm 9 years younger! I already am finished with my bachelor's degree cause of an advanced program I got into at high school and I already have a long-term healthy realtionship unlike you and I" - Lenny just blabbered on and on about his external successes that bored Sam to tears.

Sam sighed. "I tried to be nice...." he whispered. He raised his hands as if he was gonna choke Lenny but instead cast Stop on Lenny. Not just Lenny, but he froze the entire mcdonald's scene. He then rushed out of there and caught the next bus to tj maxx.

Sam approached Dolphin's boss, some big obese lady with frazzled red hair that looked like she smoked too much. "Yeah uh- about Dolphin. And why she's not at work. Her um. Mom. Has cancer." Sam said. Real smooth fag, Sam thought. "So that's why she's not in today." Man, I SUCK at social skills when I have no emotional connection with the person!

"She couldn't call and tell me this herself?" boss lady said. "Where is she really? Don't think I don't know about you- you were all on TV!" she said. "And shouldn't YOU be at Mcdonald's?"

"Yeah um well uh I uh. I'm on my lunch break. H-honestly, ma'am."

Dolphin's boss just smiled condescendingly. "I think I have a phone call or two to make."

Sam raised his hands to cast a spell but he lowered them- knowing there wasn't much he could do and magic would only make things worse now.

He went to the dollar store Steve worked at, tried the same thing with Steve's mexican boss who spoke too much damn mexican and - failed. He hitched another bus and went back to Mcdonald's. Luckily the stop spell still hold, but it wore off as soon as Sam got back. He just fake-smiled at Lenny and flipped more white trash hamburgers that people don't need. God why did people in the real world look so drab and shitty and smelly and scruffy.

After work Sam thought to himself on the bus. You know that kind of dreamy tired way you do after a long day of doing something hard that you don't want to do but when it's all over you just kinda....daydream and idealize and think a lot, cause you feel that you earned it. Okay I gotta work on saving my friends' lives. I'm so SHITTY with real world stuff. But I've always been good with magic. Let's see, Baby Eldanen isn't dead, I can sense that with my intuition. But why doesn't he just teleport himself and the others out of the cave? That means of course, somebody bound his teleportation powers like they did Vero's. Yeah, Dark Steve told me as much. If they can't teleport that means it's some sort of debuff, right? And I have an ability that can cure debuffs. So all I gotta do is find some way to.... lock on Eldanen and Vero's essence, and then find some way to 'carry' my Dispel Disorder ability to reach them underground. Whew... Sam thought, letting his consciousness run wild.

A man in the bus wearing a long brown coat suddenly got up and turned around and looked down at Sam like he was just better than him. "You are too much in the future, you need to be in The Now" he said. Sam's heart raced in fear. This dude could literally read Sam's mind! That wasn't natural. Yep, this was a Pure Demon.

Sam squinted, realizing who he was talking to. Oh god. It was Eckhart Tolle. Sam stood up, got on his heroic face and stared at Eckhart right in the eyes. "You just made that crap up to sell books so you can sucker people for their money and live a spoiled, high life for yourself" Sam said. "Thinking in the future SAVES REAL LIVES, but you just want money and to sap people of their own strength" Sam said. "I WRITE HOW TO EMPOWER PEOPLE FOR FREE BECAUSE I REALLY CARE, YOU NARCISSISTIC FUCKTARD!" Sam was angry and he didn't care who heard him now. But the people on the bus just figured Sam was another drug addicted lunatic.

Eckhart Tolle just grinned at Sam's raw honesty. "And I'll always get away with it, you dumb ******. They'll always believe me over you cause people are so externally focused they think a little bit of fake internal messages are 'deep' and 'spiritual', but it's really just another illusion and distraction to sucker up more and more goods for myself." Eckhart Tolle laughed. "And I will laugh at you as all your friends die. Well time to go to another self-empowerment workshop" he said. Eckhart smoothly walked off the bus and strutted down the street.

Sam shook his head. "I will NOT let that man become one with his Idea like Esther did" he said. "But first.... a few calls to make."

"Hey Sam, this is Akra." .......... "N-No. I can't carry your dispel disorder ability with my singing, musical vibrations don't travel far enough....sorry." *click.*

"Hey Sam this is Sean," .......... "Uh what? No uhhh I can't use my ass muscles to make your dispel disorder reach an underground cave and cure your magical gay baby from his debuff so your friends can escape and be saved from their evil twins. WHAT THE FUCK?" *click.*

"Hey truck!" ... "Yeah, this is numbers." .........." Uh- I'm not sure my gadget powers work like that *insert pointless commentary about Sam's sexual orientation here* uhhhh....." *click*

Sam tried to call all the 16type members, everybody he could think of but they all said they couldn't help, and well he didn't even have the phone number to everybody anyway. Exhaused and with a huge developing headache, Sam laid down on his couch and took a nap. He just wanted to escape.

***

About an hour later, Sam heard his cell phone ring. He sat up on the couch and answered it. "Uh... Sam. Hey. It's Gul. I lied. I think I can help you. I don't know but I have this ability. Called Wind Tunnel. It's just like this fast gust of wind that comes out of my hands. I never knew what it does, it seemed like one of those useless abilities but um....I'll be over as soon as possible."

*ding dong* Gul arrived at Sam's doorstep in about fifteen minutes. "I'm sorry about Isha" Sam said immediately.

Gulanzon entered Sam's home and looked around at his new place. "She's back now. But she's...." Gulanzon blinked. "I don't want to get into it now. Let's just do this okay?" Gulanzon conjured a quick blur of wind in front of Sam. "I never knew what this spell was supposed to do but you helped me figured it out. We can try to use it to carry your dispel disorder ability to your friends, all while staying safe inside your house."

"Great. N-now I just have to lock their essences. I know where they are from before, in general at least. But umm....I can't just. It's like, I'm not technical enough or something" Sam said. "Even with your help I can't.....just lock onto them. Like a weak lazy fag knowing what he wants in life but he's too dreamy and hazy to sense the raw, physical direction."

Gulanzon sighed. "Great...."

Sam's eyes lit up. "But oh oh. We can scry for baby eldanen, you know. And that will pinpoint us to his auric signature, which will create a sort of magical highway for my spell to travel on."

"Okay well, so get the scrying crystals and one of lil Eldanen's diapers and-" Gulanzon blinked. "YOU HAVE A SON NOW?"

Sam didn't want to talk about Eldanen now because he knew Gulanzon would just ask a million annoying questions like he always does. "Well um, only problem is- my class can't scry. But the Witch class can! Maria! Yes. Me, you and Maria- we'll be able to do this." Sam called up Maria and she came right over. Maria could teleport (self-only like Rogues, see Pink in chapter 5 for continuity) so she was over there in a flash.

Maria scryed for Vero and Eldanen's location using a map of Orlando, Florida laid out on the kitchen table. Using a cut piece of one of Vero's bras and a cut piece of one of Eldanen's diapers glued to a cyrstal which was tied to a string, Maria concentrated and hovered the crystal over the map until it buzzed and landed itself on the exact location Vero and the others were held captive.

Sure the diaper and bra were kind of gross but it was what Sam and Gulanzon thought up of on the fly. And besides the 'base' nature of the garments gave them a better signal on their root chakras, the strongest one- which helped Maria get their magical signatures faster. The scrying crystal glowed. "We can use the crystal as a catalyst of sorts, a portal for all this to work" Maria said. "The magical signature is there...just focus your spells toward the crystal."

Sam's eyes closed. He could really feel them now. Sam prepared the dispel disorder ability, a greenish yellow curaga-ish light rose up from his hands.

Gulanzon's turn. He cast Wind Tunnel on the yellow/green mojo from Sam. The green ball of energy went through the scrying crystal and down to the lights lit up on the map.

A few seconds later, Vero, Steve, Mune, Dolphin and Baby Eldanen all teleported back into Sam's kitchen. But they were badly bruised and gasped for breath. Steve's lips had even been sewn shit from some kind of torture that Dark Dolphin did to him. Gulanzon and Sam healed them all to full health. It took a bit of time but with enough healing spells they were all okay.

They all hugged each other. Sam, Steve, Dolphin, Vero, Mune, even Maria and Gulanzon. Steve gave back Baby Eldanen for Sam to hold.

"We'll talk more about how in the hell we let this happen, but Vero. Mune. Work." Sam said, making a shoo-ing gesture with his hands.

Dark Vero suddenly appeared in the kitchen. She gasped in fright as she saw all the heroes standing there, because she thought it was going to be just Sam.

"I was busy doing some other shit before I decided to come here but you -- How did you -- Oh, fuck." Dark Vero sighed in defeat, knowing what was gonna happen to her.

Vero smiled, and she and the heroes stood around Sam, protecting him - and used a combination of all their offensive magic that they directed towards Dark Vero. A lightning bolt from Vero, a gush of water from Dolphin, a conjured flying boulder from Mune, a gust of wind from Gulanzon and finally a fireball from Maria. Lightning, water, earth, wind and fire baby. Dark Vero yelled in agony and exploded in bits just like Dark Steve did. Steve and Sam just watched with satisfied smiles on their faces.

~A few minutes earlier~

Dark Dolphin frowned and crossed her arms all pissed off and evil-like, and stared sociopathically in the direction of the wall the heroes teleported themselves out of after being cured of their teleportation debuff.

"This is not over" Dark Dolphin said.

~End of Chapter 33~

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 34: Social Workers Have No Soul

It was a Saturday. The fabulous five has survived the first week in their new place. Tired but still hanging in there, they all sat in the living room and caught up on shop about what went down.

"So....both Dark Steve and Dark Vero have been blown up. Which we might think 'Yay us.' Well it is, but Dark Ashton and Dark Dolphin are still in the mix. And we have a new Big Bad in town. Eckhart Tolle. He taunted me on my bus ride home yesterday" Sam told the gang.

"Oh you mean that guy that writes those self-help books about being in the now which doesn't exist and he's just scamming people for their hard-earned money?" Dolphin said.

"Yeah" Sam said. "There's nothing wrong with making money but it has to be something that actually helps people and something that people can actually use, damnit" Sam said. "He just psychologically manipulates people so he can get richer off of them, just like Esther Hicks. Why people think that's 'help' is beyond me."

"Well the last thing we need is the outside world thinking we work for the communists" Steve said.

"I'm not sure 'get a useless career to buy plastic junk shit you don't need' type of society is any better" Sam said. "If we want to surprise the enemy, we have to surprise ourselves. We have to ....I don't know. Find some way to push against our middle class roots and take the fight to the top."

"There you go. Thinking too ideal and big again. We just have to protect baby Eldanen. Which we are doing" Steve said determined and straight man like.

"I'm worried about that. He just....teleported when Dark Steve told him to. As a little baby he's already susceptible to the forces of darkness" Sam said.

Vero nodded, looking at Sam with empathy in her eyes. "It makes sense. The bad guys don't want to kill Baby Eldanen. They want to persuade him to turn evil so when he grows up he'll summon an Idea that destroys the world" Vero said.

"Which means, my grand idea isn't too grand. If we can kill all the pure demons, then there will be nothing to persuade Baby Eldanen to turn evil" Sam said.

"Uh, that's not entirely true Sambo. The Ideas, remember? They can speak to us whenever they want, in our heads in the form of thoughts" Mune said.

"Y-yeah. An Idea itself told me to go to work first instead of helping you guys escape. I don't know if it was bad or good, but I felt I should listen to it a-and I'm sorry, but that's why it took me a little while to rescue you guys" Sam said.

"It's okay" Dolphin said. "And well, as for how Dark Dolphin kidnapped me in the first place. Remember like the first day we got our own place, we did the Leslie Sansone work out vids together, Sam? (Leslie Sansone, Celebrity Half-Demon hybrid that's on the side of good like Sam is because she makes money off of things that REALISTICALLY AND PHYSICALLY HELP people that isn't just narcissistic mumbo jumbo)



Flashback about a week ago, Sam and Dolphin are working out together in the living room. They are doing Leslie's infamous side-steps. Out together, out together, out together, out together. Sam is too focused on the workout though, that he didn't even notice Dark Dolphin approach Normal Dolphin and cat-fight her for about five minutes. You know with a lot of girly roundhouse kicks and handstand kicks and twirling backhand punches all fancy like, like those women power shows you watched in the 90s when you were fourteen. Eventually Dark Dolphin won and dragged Dolphin's body out in a black body bag. Then she replaced herself with Dolphin. Smiling evilly and raising her hands up a lot, mimicking Leslie in the video.

"I'm sorry, I got way too excited, and too dreamy neon fag like, cause we were exercising together, which is something that we ALWAYS wanted to do together, that I couldn't pay attention to physical, objective reality!" Sam said.

"It's okay, I forgive you" Dolphin smiled. "You're a pure introvert so it's hard to wake up to that stuff, I know. And you WERE paying attention to reality, just the tv...."

Steve cleared his throat. "And well I was playing football with Mune outside, because we're both straight guys and we like to just throw a ball around unlike talking about your feelings like all of you" Steve said. Steve looked directly at Mune. "When I threw the ball really far for you to catch, Dark Steve tackled me and umm well made the switch like that. When you turned around, you didn't really know better. I was knocked out unconscious in the bushes, and somebody, probably Dark Dolphin- dragged me out into this white van and well, drove me and Dolphin to the underground cave."

"Okay, so what we all learned from this is that we need to be more observant. Constantly." Sam said. "Miley Cyrus couldn't be the only thing that absorbed our social imprint. The bad guys, they know what's really important to us. And they're going to use that to take advantage any chance they get."

The Fabulous Five all gave a 'Power Ranger's' nod. Right!

"What do those two circumstances have in common? Doing workout videos and throwing a ball around the yard? They're both recreational activities. Downtime, as the Starr people called it. They waited to take advantage when we were having fun in our spare time, doing things we all like to do. Maybe we have to sacrifice having fun?" Vero said.

Sam frowned. "That's... a good point Vero, but it might too extreme. We can still have fun, just...let's just, all pay attention right?"

Suddenly, with that, the door bell rang. Sam hurried up and answered the door. The rest of the gang stood behind Sam and just watched. A chubby, sort of petite- but very intimidating looking woman could be seen in a bitchy business suit. She was in her 40s. Behind her was a tough looking black guy that looked like Mr. Wear, but wasn't him. "Hi I'm Angela. I work for the department of Social Services" she said. "Why was Dolphin and Steve not at work yesterday?" Angela said in that accusatory tone like 'When was the last time you beat your child' sort of bitchy government tone. Ugh.

Sam just kind of grimaced. He saw the non-empathy look in her eyes, like Renee Hunt from Starr, and then looked at the black guy. What is with bitchy women having black sidekicks around all the time? Sam thought. "Does he really have to be here?" Sam said.

"Yes he most certainly does Mr. Leonard" the woman said. UGH. No, she did not just say 'Mr. Leonard.' Sam grimaced at her and pretended to smile. "Well uh I uh well I uh..." he couldn't think of a good excuse.

Dolphin stepped up. She knew what she had to do, what horrible lies she had to tell. "I was tempted, I wanted to shove fisher price toys up 3-year-old boy's assholes, you know, cause we're all sex offenders like Sam is. And well, I had to stay home cause I didn't want to put anybody in society at risk, ma'am."

"Uh, yeah, same here!" Steve said with a blink.

Angela just stood there, as if thinking for a second. "Well that makes sense. But this can't go unpunished. You are all walking a really thin line, being allowed your own place like this. I know you all already know that" she said. She bitchily looked around the apartment to see if she could nab the heroes with anything. She looked at Sam in the eyes, obviously trying to intimidate him. "I'm not like your little sissy therapist friends. I'm here to see that scum like you gets put down" she looked at Sam hatefully like she wanted his dick to fall off. Bitch. Cunts like her could never see beneath the surface, could never see anything beyond what job or title somebody had in life, could only see the external successes the bad guys use to cover up all the horrible shit they do to other people.

"I already go to sex offender meeting's every week, I haven't missed those classes ma'am" Dolphin said.

Angela nodded, continuing to look authoritative. "I will be watching this place very closely" She turned around and acted as if she was about to leave, but then she looked at the black guy. "Send the team in here. Install a camera in every room of the house." She looked back at Sam like 'Ha, Gotcha!'

"You can't do that!" Sam said. Mune gave Sam a look like 'watch it, bro"

"I can and I will" she said. "And to make up for your absences, you two also need to attend double-shifts for one week" Angela looked at Steve and Dolphin and just glared at them for a few seconds.

Sam looked at the others as if to say 'Oh shit, the baby.' About four black guys marched in Sam's apartment with equipment to install cameras.

This is not happening, Sam thought. Fuck life, just fuck it.

~End of Chapter 34~

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 35: A True Self Tale

Sam cast Stop and froze Angela and the black guys. "We can't let them do this" Sam said.

"Not like we have a choice" Dolphin said. "Sam, just unfreeze them."

"No, I. I have to go on another inward journey and do nothing but look deep within myself. It's the only thing I really know how to do."

"That's just stasis! You have to reach out" Vero demanded. "You can't retreat in your shell, look what's happening!"

"You don't even really know me!" Sam said. "I just pretend that you're my close friend because I'm lonely and you mean well, but you really haven't a clue, Vero. You just don't. Get away from me!" Suddenly, Sam's hands glowed red and Vero took a step back.

"I'm sorry, I-" She looked at Mune and frowned.

Suddenly, Sam teleported out of the house.

"His son musta did that" Steve said. "From all the way in his room, his powers must be growing." He looked around at the stopped guards. "What do we do?"

"I-I don't know" Dolphin said. "Let's just wait till Sam gets back."

Sam had materialized inside the mansion of Larry Kramer, famous half-demon gay activist, author of the books ******s and Tragedy of Today's Gays. Larry Kramer was naturally Sam's role model. "THEE legendary Larry Kramer?" Sam said with a blink at a figure sitting in a large leather chair about forty yards away. "I need help, I guess. I guess that's why I'm here" Sam called out. "My son must have teleported me here. But he's with those thugs that are gonna take away our privacy and- there must be some way you can help."

Larry Kramer turned around and looked at Sam all wise old man-like. He was wearing gray pants and a brown artsy sweater that looked very gay man ish. He slowly walked closer until he was near Sam. "Look deeper Sam. You say you're a Shaman, that you want to heal - but do you really? Does the world in any way feel helped and uplifted and supported by you? Think about it."

"No, most people don't like me at all to tell you the truth. I just really don't care. I want to care but it's like I'm too selfish and self-involved to be a healer. I wish I were different, but I only care about somebody if they care about me" Sam sighed. "And I was kinda fucked over by priest classes my whole life, you know?"

Larry tapped his fingers the way old people do. "And your Melee powers?"

"Another lie. There's nothing to unlock, really. No matter how physically strong I get it's like, I'm always sort of disconnected from my physical body, like it matters only what I think about my body, not the body energy itself, blah. It's like I'm not naturally mapped, aligned and calibrated with physical reality the way straight male tanks are. Or straight rogues." Sam blinked. "Can gay men be rogues too?"

"You don't know who you really are yet" Larry Kramer said. "No wonder your life's a mess."

"I want to see things burn. I want to kick ass. I want to show other gay men that a gay man can be strong, in his own way. That's what I really always wanted" Sam said with a gleam in his eye.

"So you're not a healer, definitely not a tank. There's nothing hybrid about you. You, my friend, are a pure mage. Sorcerer. Wizard. Whatever you want to call it, I guess."

Sam blinked. "All this time, I got my class wrong? For 35 fucking chapters?"

"Yes your class, which is based on your True Inner World, didn't really make any sense. It was all egoic projection. Your feelings, your neon gay internal subjective impressions, they also need to be based on *objective reality*, based on a psychological core. Like it or not you wield destructive magicks."

"But I look so shaman-y like in the face!" Sam demanded. "That has to be my real identity. A-and what about the images we saw in Sigma's place?"

"It's who you thought you are, yes" Larry Kramer said. "But it's not who you REALLY are."

"When I told that woman I was gay in real life a few months ago, it was like she was afraid of me. You said that before too...and I didn't want to be that way. I didn't want to be the strong one. I knew I could never lead, something about that was too...physically draining, and well I always sucked at sports and melee-ish things. But in the back of my mind, I guess- I knew this was true. That I'm a damage dealer caster. Not a healer or hybrid. But I'm so cute, it's just ARGH. I want to support. But it's like I only get anywhere when I just mow down things with spells."

"You're just as needed as the tank and healer" Larry Kramer said.

"Yeah but I thought I was....all righteous or something. With a destiny and all that. But I'm just.... Sammy." Yet something about this mage thing felt so real and raw, like peanut butter going down your throat in the middle of the night. On a weekend. Something about it was so like, not ideal or hazy or wishy-washy. It was just him. The real him. No frosting of bliss no grand ideal glaze. Just Sammy, with all the funky smells you can't hate or love. Who he really was, not who he wanted or pretended or wished or thought he was.

"I thought I was a warlock once when I was a depressed angsty teen, but I'm just pure Mage. Sorcerer. Like Dolphin? Not a Water mage, though. Fire Mage? A gay flamer a fire mage. I don't know."

"One of your eyes is multi-colored. For real. (author's note: It really totally is) It's like you are the Mary Sue in comic books everybody hates" Larry Kramer said. "You are, a Rainbow Mage."

"So it's shaman-esque but not really exactly....." Sam said.

"It's a rare class indeed. But you've always been special" Larry said with a wink.

"Stop it. Ugh. That is so ....adolescentile self-serving. I... There has to be other Rainbow Mages. But I can't worry about that now. You....you helped a lot. I feel all encouraged and proud to be in your presence-ish. But as a half-demon, like we both are, I know a big part of that is because you have a need to be needed. I don't care much, though. Because you did help."

Sam flamed out of Larry Kramer's place. He could teleport himself now. He mouthed the words 'thank you' before the last of his face warped out in flames.

When Sam got back to his crub, he cancelled the Stop. "Your men aren't going to install cameras in my house, Angela."

Angela tried to say something, but no sound came out. Sam had stolen the words from her mouth and crushed them in his hands with pure yellow magic.

Sam continued to speechify. "I used to think it was wrong to kill humans. That there was some sort of base empathy that connects us all. But no. That's just BS, that's just something Jews tell people so they can get richer and we can get weaker. I think it's wrong to kill you just because a Buffy episode told me to? What am I, 12? Joss Whedon doesn't really care about me, he just cares about himself. What does Sammy want, did anybody ever wonder about that?"

Angela pulled a gun from her pocket, but Sam turned it into a black raven.

"Uh, Sambo?" Mune said. "What are you doing...." He was clearly fucking up their lives!

"I have pure gay magic flowing in my veins. It's real, it's who I really am. I mean IN REAL LIFE FOR REAL ONE OF MY EYES IS MULTI-COLORED. I'm a Mage you guys. Not a Shaman. But I just had another realization. I know what being special means, what it really means." Sam said. He suddenly flicked his hands and burned Angela and all the black guards down in piles of ashes.

Dolphin's jaw dropped at Sam actually murdering real human beings.

"That in order to save the world, I'm going to have to die."

Meanwhile,

Because Sam killed human beings, a portal appeared. Something stepped out of the swirly magical vortex. Some place in the Sahara desert. Dark Sam looked down at the bones of Miley Cyrus. He was mostly naked, but wore tattered black tribal cloths that covered up his naughty parts. He also held a staff in his right hand, with a rat's skull for the tip.

"Good Sam is a Rainbow Mage, but guess what I am?" Dark Sam waved his staff and Miley Cyrus was brought back to life. He looked at her with a satisfied smirk. "Necromancer."

~End of Chapter 35~

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 36: The Bow Is Better Left Untied

Isha and Akra arrived at the Skeleton Graveyard. They had purposefully took the slow way here because they wanted to build their romantic relationship. Isha breathed the heavy air. It was noon out, but it was one of those gloomy noons, you know like on those sundays when you‘re not quite sure why you‘re here or what you‘re doing today. “This is it, this is where I died” she said solemnly.

“Isha, I’m not sure I understand how you’re back. Like, it doesn’t seem…..realistic enough, or something” Akra said as they searched the skeleton graveyard for clues.

“Well it’s like this. Think of your real life. Your really real life. Have you ever met somebody that reminded you exactly of somebody else, even if that other somebody was dead?” she said.

“No, not really” Akra said. “But I can see how in theory that might be true.” She overturned a rock and looked under it.

“It’s the same concept. I could go by different names. A name is just a label. But Sam is a purist. He knows people by their core identities. Somewhere less dramatic, less neon, more subdued and ‘realistic’, I probably go by another name. Though as long as there is the Idea of me, I’m in tact. Magic is but a metaphor.”

“Yeah I think I get it. It’s like you know, Roger Rabbit and his friends, as long as people laugh at them they will always exist. Ideas are like that, as long as we think of you, you are bound to exist in one form or another.”

“Yes. Relationships with others allows you to be remembered and thus give signals to your own idea to manifest more creations of you. Or, you could live forever by striking fear in people. It unfortunately goes both ways.”

“This form of me is a lesbian, out here with you. There’s other ’mes’ out there, doing god knows what. All varied in their personalities, shaped by their unique circumstances. Yet they are all me, all children of my own grand Idea.”

“It never really ends, does it. A part of me just wanted closure. Of everything. I would feel safe that way.” Akra put her head down. “Whoa this conversation is pretty deep and insightful. We really are dykes!” she quipped.

“I want to wrap things up in pretty bows too. Just have a finale. Where all can be finished. But nothing works that way and I guess if it did there’d be no fun. But that itself is yet another bow, another wrap up. Let’s not forget why we’re here. Have you found anything?”

Akra shrugged. “You’re the one that died. You tell me.”

“God is in the details. Or is it the devil is in the details.” Isha scratched her head. “I’m rather flighty when it comes to my physical environment. I just like to say wise lesbian-ish things all day.”

“Well it was a nice IDEA- okay, Sam is going to beat this IDEA thing in our heads forever and ever isn’t he? Yes, it was a nice idea to help Sam, by coming here. But I’m not sure what we’re looking for" Akra said.

“Wait. A thought. If everybody forgot somebody, they wouldn’t exist in corporeal form, because reality is based on the co-creation of our perceptions" Akra said.

“Well, yeah. I suppose so. Yes. Like I just thought of obese people painted blue twirling upside down on pancakes swirling in a desert. Now it can come true….but before that, I highly doubt anybody had that specific thought before" Isha said.

“But the Idea could still be there, even before the Idea decided to transmit itself to you. And so reality will match that, eventually. So we’re further away from the Ideas than we thought, we always are….they‘ll always be a gazillion steps ahead" Akra said.

“Ideas are infinite….we are infinite" Isha said.

“Ideas can die. They have to, right? Otherwise reality would be like this really chaotic crazy thing with nothing to hold on to. Ever."

Isha gulped. “Honey. True Reality is already like that.” Isha took Akra’s hands and she flew up to the sky with her, high enough to still be able to see things, but from a far enough view to see shit more objectively. To the left was a human civilization, boxed in and neat, a routine. The part of Mune forest that still had inhabitants. But look, - a completely wild area to the right. It just had colors running and bleeding together with no rhyme or reason.”

They flew back down to the Skeleton Graveyard.

“So, the Clear Dragon attack wasn’t planned?” Akra asked.

“Oh, it was. Like Gulanzon said, Clear Dragons aren’t *naturally* native to Akliash and so thus somebody had to send it. And well our philosophical discussion helped narrow it down by a lot. Whomever sent the Clear Dragon clearly had to be human.”

Akra blinked. “Regular human? Not a pure demon. Not a half-demon, even?”

“Don’t know. Half-demon perhaps, I don’t know if a regular human can summon a Clear Dragon but it‘s not unlikely, it’s not like they are hard to summon. You don’t even really need to be a summoner class or have any traditional powers.”

Suddenly, Isha and Akra stopped talking and they hypnotically started to walk out of the graveyard.

From far away back on earth, Hitta was in his trailer in Louisiana again, on the computer wanking off to Meatholes.com. “Mmmm lesbians come to big papa, I’ll change you” he said with a cheeto-stained dick.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 37: Bad Boys

Gilly and Nick were playing DND in Gilly's mother's basement. Cliché, but authentic.

“I wish I was like, a damage class like you” Gilly told Nick as he rolled some dice on the board. “I hate being a faggy encourager type.”

“You know about the Ideas. I could kill you. Then you’d come back as something else. Possibly.”

Gilly felt too pretty to feel a knife in his chest. “Uh, no thanks” he said. “But hmm, I dunno. You think that will work?”

“Come on man don’t be a pussy” Nick said. “Dying isn’t so bad.”

“So how long until I'd come back?"

“Depends on how connected you are to your own idea. Of you. It’s kind of…..heavy and hard to explain, but I guess, the more you understand the big picture you know. Your place in the world.”

Gilly blinked. “I’m just a loveable mama’s boy that has good leadership abilities. I know who I am, damnit. Now stab me.” He ripped open his shirt to reveal his good-looking narcissistic body.

Nick took out his daggers from his pockets and stabbed Gilly. A few minutes later, Gilly came right back to where he was sitting. Naked. Nick tried to laugh away the nervous tension both boys shared.

“Come on man it’s not like you never seen me naked before” Gilly said. He took a moment to look down at his old, dead body with all the stab wounds. He smiled. "That is so cool" Gilly said.

“Ew. No. Yeah, see- you idolize me too much. It’s disturbing. Well catch you later. I need to go out. It’s late at night, so I need to go sit on park benches and have a smoke and be myself cause I’m an introvert who likes Nietzsche. Bye" Nick said.

“Wait, don’t you want to know what class I am now" Gilly said as he finished putting on his pants that he got from his dresser. He then tried to cast a buff spell on Nick, but he was unable to. “YES, NO MORE GAY ASS SUPPORTIVE SPELLS, WOOHOO!” He waved his hands again, and an anvil crashed down through the ceiling and squashed Nick.

“Did I do that?” Gilly said, channeling Urkel. A few minutes later, Nick came back.

“Still a rogue?” Gilly asked.

Nick nodded. “Yeah.” He was too….static and stoic and IP victim-like to change his class much. “I guess you’re some sort of Jester class though” Nick said. “It sort of fits. You are a clown.”

“Come on. Let’s go have some fun with my new powers. We’ll go to a bar and fuck with people " Gilly said.

Nick suddenly looked deep in Gilly’s eyes. And french kissed him. (Yes, Nick is naked here)

Gilly pulled back. “Whoa man. Not gay, just narcissistic. Remember?”

Of course, Nick was totally in love with the Joker from Batman, and since Gilly was now a Jester, he was as close to his ideal soul mate as anything.

“I just get so lonely spending all my time alone smoking on park benches and thinking about Nietzsche. I-I just need to be impulsive. I want to have sex. And you’re really appealing to me right now."

“But we’re not gay.”

“Who cares. And don’t give me one of Sam and Akra’s sexuality-is-like-ice cream speeches again. Yuck.” Nick pulled Gilly closer to his chest and homoeroticly blew smoke on his face.

JUJU walked in and saw this whole thing. He had on tattered clothes and damp hair and looked all weak and victimy. “Hot. And also: BLACKMAIL. I’M TOTALLY GOING TO USE THIS TO GET BACK AT YOU GUYS FOR BEING SUCH PRICKS TO ME!” Juju said while snapping a picture of the boys with his cell phone. A beat. “Hey, can I join in on the mansex?”

Nick sociopathically laughed at Justin. “No. You’d actually fall in love or something. Non-Nietzsche like love, which is innately inferior. You’re too weak.”

“But you don’t understand. If I don’t make connections with people, I’m well. I’ll get really bad. I’m a pure demon, unlike you guys, and I could get really scary! That's the reason why I'm here to begin with" Justin said. "We need to make up!"

Gilly and Nick just laughed at Justin‘s cute but ass-like face. “Not our problem” Nick said. Nick and Gilly arrogantly walked past Justin, each brushing their bodies on his shoulders the way high school bullies do when they want to intimidate the nerds.

"Wait. Aren't you going to get dressed first?" Gilly asked Nick.

"No. More of a shock" Nick said. He liked getting under people's skin.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 38: We Plan, God Laughs

Sam, Steve, Dolphin, Mune, and Vero are all sitting around the kitchen table.

“So you’re a mage now?” Dolphin said. “Like me. I was so sure you were a shaman, but whatever I guess. Have you finally found yourself now Sam? Shook hands with your emo within? So we can just…move on.” Dolphin said in that surprisingly half-assertive, half-mocking, half-affectionate tone that she has a tendency to speak in.

Sam shrugged. “I-I’m so used to healing you know. But I can’t do that anymore.”

“You never really wanted to do it in the first place. You told us as much, it's what you learned from your little trip to Larry Kramer” Steve said.

“Yeah the whole ’ooh I’m a healer’ egoic projection thing started happening after I was released from Starr. I know I keep ranting about it, but the whole Starr thing changed me. Put an imprint on the purest parts of me, at least I thought it did. Before then I’d never even think about being a healer. But it’s like, all the horrible shit I saw done to people I sort of got forced into that role, you know. But it wasn’t really me. It took me nearly a decade to realize that.”

“So you blow shit up rather than healin’ shit” Vero said. “Good for you, but how does that help us. You know, we’ll probably lose the duplex now. Angela couldn’t be the last of the government. And Sam! You killed people.”

Sam started crying. “I’m sorry. I thought this would work. But just a week in, and it’s already over. Like the time in real life I tried to live by myself for a week. I had this idea that we’d be happy here, finding ourselves and being all liberated like cool sexy 20somethings.”

“We plan, God laughs?” Mune said.

“Yeah, okay, Sam did kill Angela and the black guys but in all reality they were scum and not really on the side of good themselves. So I don’t know, really” Steve said.

“This is about how bad I really want what I really want. Whatever that is” Sam said, wiping away the huffy red flamey tears.

“I get it now” Dolphin said. “It’s not such a simple thing, Vero. I mean. It’s not something Sammy can just….fix all at once. He spent so much time thinking he was a Shaman, that his whole life for so many years was just this big lie. He’s just now getting back into himself, you know- and he’s all tortured with the guilt, dealing with the fact he destroys life rather than builds it up.”

“Yeah it explains why I always delete a lot of shit from my computer and start afresh a lot, and I kinda do that non-neurotically like, I just do it naturally” Sam said.

“Hmm” Dolphin said. “Fire. Death. Destruction. It has a regenerative property, even more so than the obvious healing spells. It’s like, universal. Destroy old plants so new seeds can be sowed. You’re just, another part of the cycle.”

“People keep telling me that. But I don’t feel it. I….it's not like my fire spells wouldn't work on things that don't necessarily need to be burned downed.”

“Stop whining ******. You know it felt good to burn those ******s” Steve said with a wink.

“Well if Sambo isn’t a healer anymore, then who is gonna heal the party?” Mune said.

“You! Duh!” Dolphin said. “You can cast Gain, just like Sam could.”

“Yeah but that’s ALL I can do. And revive people, and give them one buff spell that raises their stats.”

“That’s all that’s needed, Adam. One pure really good healing spell is better than all those other tricks anyway" Vero said.

“BUT I CAN’T AREA OF EFFECT HEAL, THAT’S IMPORTANT TOO!” Mune said.

Mune has learned the ability Group Hug!

“Oh” he said sheepishly. The rest of the party giggled at that.

“Ah good times, good times” Steve said.

“We’re all still in this together, right?” Dolphin said. “The Fab Five. I mean, even if we lose the house and all that. We still can’t forget the mission. Protecting Baby Eldanen so he can summon a cute Jigglypuff-like Idea to save the world.”

Sam got up. “SHIT I’M SO SELF-INVOLVED I FORGOT TO EVEN FEED HIM TODAY.” He ran to Eldanen’s room to give him his bottle.

Dolphin looked around at the others. “Sooo…..what now.”

Suddenly, a bunch of men decked out in armor wielding guns broke in Sam’s place. “Freeze!” the guys said all straight and military like. “You’re all under arrest.”

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 39: The No-Holy Not A Trinity

“Sam, this place is surrounded by at least 40 swat guards. They’re just humans but they’re sooo well-equipped. We can’t fight them all off” Steve said.

“I wasn’t ready for the outside world” Sam realized. “I thought I could juggle both, but I can’t. I don’t know how to. Everything about the real world, I still hate. I don’t care if it’s adolescentile or childish or that I should just get over it. I should, maybe. But I just can’t. It bothers me too much."

“Real heroes don’t accept the world as it is” Dolphin said with a smile. "People who say 'It is what it is' are simply too lazy to try and make the world a better place."

Sam looked around at their duplex. “We had some good memories….” he said.

Dolphin looked at Sam. She picked up on what he was about to do. “You can’t be serious…..” she said.

“I said that in order to save the world, I’d have to die. And it’s true. But we all know that death is never the end. There is no end.”

“Sam!” Vero said with a shriek. “They know….” Her eyes glossed over in white fear. “They know about Baby Eldanen…..they have this special equipment that sees through his cloaking spell.” They all saw one of the guys holding baby Eldanen. "You fucking pervert" the man said to Sam.

Instead of panicking, Sam remained calm. Funny, they always criticized Sam about this at Starr, his ability to be calm in situations like these. “Do you guys trust me?” Sam said. “You have to trust me.” He looked around. “We really did come so far, you know. Farther than we think.”

Sam positioned himself in the middle of the heroes. “Good bye this idea, this life. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to make it work, but you know. Whatever.” Sam suddenly glowed a bright neon yellow.

“Neon…….NOOOOOVAAAA!” Sam screamed. With his new mage powers he blew up the house and the forty guards, and himself and his friends. Everything.

***

Thirty minutes later...

The house was all blown apart in a million pieces. Dolphin pushed a large chunk of duplex-debris off her body and slowly stood back up. Her clothes were all ripped and she had brown dirt marks all over her body. “I-I’m alive.”

“You died, but you’re back now….” Sam said. He coughed up some soot.

“Baby Eldanen. He died too….” Dolphin said softly.

“No. He teleported himself to safety at the last second, I saw it out of my peripheral vision. And he didn‘t teleport us. Clever. If he teleported all of us too, then they’d probably would have fired and we’d just lose for real.”

“I still think we could have just teleported too” Vero said.

Sam shook his head. “No. I had to take the swat dudes out with me, and to do that I knew we’d have to die as well. But we were closer together than ever before, really- and maybe that’s why our Ideas resurrected us pretty quickly.”

“Class-check.” Sam said. He created a yellow orb of destruction in his hands and let it burst out into the air. “Yep, I’m still a mage” he said. Dolphin tested her powers by moving a stream of water from her left hand to the right. “Still a water Mage" she said.

Vero used a bed of electricity to prop herself on both feet. “That pretty much speaks for itself” she said.

Steve stood up, ready to agree that he was the same class like all the others. But something was a miss. “I feel…..different” he said. “Still a melee class, sure, but I ain’t so tanky. Not a Warrior anymore. I’m a ….Gladiator.”

“Well Death changes us.” He looked around at Dolphin and Vero then back at Steve. “At least….some of us, some of the time.” Sam turned to Steve. “Well you still can tank right?”

“Yeah but never like a Warrior, but sure I can still tank, at least I suppose so.” Steve scratched as his head. “Wait a minute. Where’s Mune?”

The four searched the rubble for Mune. They finally found him, but he hadn’t revived like the others. He just laid buried under some shingles, dead and alone. His eyes vacantly looking up toward the sky. Eternally lost.

“Oh fuck” Sam said. Dolphin and Vero began crying. Steve just looked down, sad.

“He’ll come back, you know. Sooner or later” Sam said.

“What if he comes back as a baby. And what if it’s years before that even happens?” Vero said.

“I’m sorry. It’s a risk I had to take. Please don’t do the clichéd thing and be all mad at me like Gulanzon was! I can’t have that. I need you to be the strong womyn we all know you are, Vero.”

Vero sniffled. “Y-yeah. But Sam. Look around. The balance has been eradicated. We have no healer, and no real tank.“ She looked at Steve. “Gladiators are off-tanks at best.”

Sam took a step back. “We’re all just damage dealers” he said softly. He scratched his chin. “But Tanking and healing are just gimmicks, in the end the only thing that matters is power. The only thing that makes us actually progress in a game and in life, is damage. Right?”

Vero blinked. “Well yeah…. But…..”

“The trinity of tank/healing/damage dealing is fun and traditional, but it’s also really out dated and unoriginal. Just because we’re all the same role doesn’t mean that there’s an imbalance, that’s kinda like saying a gay relationship won’t work out cuz there's two dicks! Or something! And that’s not true!” Sam said.

Dolphin stood up straighter, feeling resolved. “Yeah! And Sam’s right. It is really about the kill, you know. Things get done just by mowing down the competition.”

“Baby Eldanen most likely teleported himself back to Sigma for safety. While he’s there, we can use our combined damage dealing abilities to do what we do best: take down a pure demon” Sam said to the group.

The Fab Four put their hands together in a ‘go-team’ position.

“Come on. Eckhart Tolle needs to die” Sam said.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 40: The Power Of Ow

Eckhart Tolle was up on a podium in an auditorium in Fremont, California. In one of those workshop classes similar to Esther Hicks, he was making more boring speech about psychological realms that don't exist. Preaching half-truths, telling sweet lies to people all while making his back account roll in the dough. "Just be in the now! Romantic relationships are bad for you! Your ego is the enemy so I write books with my ego telling you not to have an ego! Just l'eggo that ego! I'm so hypocritical and self-serving, but you don't even notice cause like all predators I only feed on people that have low self-esteem!"

Sam blasted off the locked back door and entered Eckhart's workshop. The gay mage had a bone to grind. He wanted to prove you can be strong without money, you don't have to tell cowardly lies to people in order to stay in power. This little session Eckhart was doing was just another trick, just another device to make the good guys weaker and the bad guys stronger.

"Stop feeding off them" Sam said all heroic and manly like. He withdrew his Shaman (well, Mage now) staff and aimed his gaze at Eckhart. Vero, Steve, and Dolphin were all behind Sam. Vero had on a black mesh top and khaki pants, Dolphin wore a blue fuzzy sweater and Steve had on one of those frat boy shirts with the number 69. Sam wore a black leather jacket and blue jeans, which to him signaled his new identity as a bad-ass damage dealer.

Eckhart gasped. Sam was one of those people that was so quiet in school, that when he was actually confident it made you kind of do that sudden 'flinch' thing where you can't believe it. And besides, he didn't even see Sam coming. "You're not sitting down and obeying me like the others. Nor are you self-consciously laughing at my bad jokes the way a middle class loser is supposed to!" Eckhart said hatefully.

"You're not better than me just because you have, money" Sam said. "Money is so selfish, it's just what people hide behind so they don't have to face the darkness in the world."

"Fuck you. Socialists don't belong in America" Eckhart said. His eyes were glowing red now.

"The bad guys want Americans to stay in pain so they won't think twice about giving away all their hard-earned cash to people who don't need it" Sam said. "It ends. Now." Sam jumped up on the stage Eckhart was speechifying on. He forgot he wasn't a melee class though, and sprained his ankle two seconds after he jumped up all straight man-like. "Owie...."

Eckhart chuckled at Sam's pain. "More....I need MORE." He raised out his right hand and shot a yellow energy ray out in Sam's chest. "Aww, when you were in 7th grade gym class two kids stole your shoes and hid them in a locker and you had to tell the teacher about it and you were so scared" Eckhart said. He was taunting Sam, trying to get him to go off his guard. He could absorb Sam's social imprint like Miley Cyrus, but even more than that, he showed Sam the whole scene in a manifested portal.

"You're just weak" Eckhart said. He telekinetically pushed Sam so hard he went flying down into his friends.

"Why didn't you listen to the south park episode when they told you to spend your cash and have faith in the economy?" Eckhart said, confidently levitating down the stage and slowly walking up to Sam. (During all this commotion the normal people in the audience just stood dumbfounded like 'wtf is happening.' Too scared and middle class to move.) Of course, to protect Eckhart's image, Eckhart's camera man stopped filming him.

"Because, they're not on my side either- Matt and Trey are already well off celebrities and just wanted more and more and more from the good guys. But no more" Sam said. He suddenly snapped the staff over his knee, creating two faux-daggers. Sam hurled them at Eckhart, using magic to focus them accurately. But Eckhart juiced up his hands with magic of his own, and easily batted the projectiles away.

"YOU DON'T LIKE SOUTHPARK, YOU'RE LIKE SOOOO POLITICALLY CORRECT AND EMO" Eckhart retaliated. "You know what your problem is, you little ******? you take yourself too seriously. JUST BE IN THE NOW!"

"Just be dead" Sam said. He ran up and cartwheel kicked Eckhart twice in the face. "I don't really have melee powers, and I actually can't even do a cartwheel. It's just that your natural body energy is so fucking fragile and INFJ-like that my melee powers are boosted up for this fight" Sam said. "So this is what a battle mage feels like" Sam said, thinking of Allie. He kicked Eckhart in the stomach.

With a huge rush of magic, Eckhart uppercutted Sam to the ground. Sam got pissed and started wailing on Eckhart. But, Eckhart was out-healing Sam's damage really easily with his healing over time spells. Sam tried to pace himself with his breathing, but he was getting tired. He worked out more doing Leslie Sansone's vids, but he still wasn't a melee class and it was kinda getting to him.

Just keep pacing yourself, an Idea said to Sam. Eckhart isn't all that powerful, he just wins by outlasting his opponents.

Steve and Dolphin just looked at each other. "What do we do? I tried to cast a water bolt on him but his magic resist is really high" Dolphin said.

"Just keep trying" Steve said. "I'm gonna go help Sam" he said. Dolphin just shrugged and then stood by Vero and started casting spells with her. "Say what you will about Sam, he really does fight for what he believes in" Dolphin said.

Steve jogged up behind Eckhart and started to punch him in the back with a Gladiator Move called 'double punch', which strikes an opponent with superhuman speed. "I wish Mune didn't die. He could have conjured me a spear or something" Steve said. "Cause Eckhart looks weak against spears"

Sam continued to beat Eckhart up in a mix of melee and light magic moves. While doing so, he had an epiphany. It was like his own Idea was speaking to him this time, not just a friendly one.

Eckhart is very close to his own Idea like Esther was. Kicking his ass will feel really good, but it will only make him come back stronger than ever, until he inevitably becomes one with his own Idea like Esther and manifests more shit on earth that I REALLY, REALLY hate. Like mainstream crappy movies about how you shouldn't have feelings and you should just play sports and view life as a joke, and shit. No, to really win here, I have to kill the Idea of Eckhart. Which means....

Sam stopped beating up on Eckhart and turned around toward the audience. Eckhart tried to use this time to cast Greater Gain on himself but Steve interrupted it by sliding down and kicking Eckhart in the balls.

Sam started using his offensive magic on the humans in the audience! Dolphin gasped. "Sam! What are you doing. We need to protect them."

"No" Sam said. "That's too obvious. We have to get rid of the IDEA of Eckhart Tolle, which means offing the people who still really believe in him and his ideals. We're killing his food, and his paycheck."

Eckhart frowned at Sam. "No, what are you doing! Stop! Please" he begged. "Good guys don't kill!" (NO, THAT IS NOT TRUE JUST BECAUSE THE MEDIA AND JOSS WHEDON SAYS SO. UGH.)

"Sam! I don't feel comfortable killing innocent people!" Steve said. "Isn't there another way?"

"I wish there was...." Sam said. "But it's for their own good, they will come back again later, hopefully more connected to who they really are." Sam raised up his hands and cast a huge area of effect fire spell on the entire audience of a hundred or so people.

Sam looked at Eckhart. Eckhart looked weak and like he didn't value himself. Sam smirked at him. "Aww poor baby, doesn't know what to do with himself when he doesn't have easy victims to try and play 'wise old teacher' to." Sam leaned over and stared Eckhart down. "See? I can prick and prod and provoke, too." With that, Sam flicked his hands and fried Eckhart to a crisp.

"And since he died so weak in the moment, so not connected to his own idea of himself, it will be years until we have to worry about him again" Sam said.

Sam shook his hands from Eckhart-debris and looked at Steve, then back around at Dolphin and Vero. "Good work, gang." He then turned around in another direction, as if looking at everybody in the world who was reading this story. Like, right through you. "And that's how you really fight evil" Sam said with a self-satisfied smirk. He and his gang victoriously walked out of Eckhart's workshop, all confident and proud of themselves.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 41: The Idea of Straight Porn

Isha and Akra rang the door bell to Hitta's place. "I'm coming I'm coming" he said. He squirted cum all over his hands from the Meatholes scene where Ariana Jolee gets throat fucked. He was coming indeed. "Okay now the other coming" Hitta giggled. He waddled over to his living room. He opened the door, looked at Isha and Akra and started to drool.

He could be so creepy, that Hitta. "Oooh lesbians" he said. "Sweet lesbians." He put his hands on Akra's boobs and squeezed them, all while making puerile HONK HONK noises. Both Isha and Akra just stared off into space all hypnotic like. They were completely possessed by Hitta's powers. "I'll be right back" he said.

Hitta went to the fridge and got out some tortilla chips and dip. He shoved a bunch of chips in his mouth and then went back to the girls. "What seems to be the problem, officers?" he said while spitting chunks of chips on their faces. Man, this was so straight porn-like and hot, he thought.

Hitta placed a chubby thumb on Isha's face. "Aww poor baby you got a lil food on your face. Here, let me wipe it off for you." But he crushed the crumbs with his thumbs and pressed down on Isha's cheeks as hard as he could instead. So hard Isha's cheek started to lose color.

Hitta's erection grew. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy this is so hot. No fag can tell me that what I'm doing is wrong. People are so weak. Oooh raping girls is bad. Whatever, they like it" Hitta said.

Meanwhile, up in the Realm of Ideas, Esther Hicks was fighting an Idea that called itself the Idea of Straight Porn. "I am that which created straight porn" the Idea said to all the other Ideas. "Prepare to meet your doom" The idea of hewlett packard computers swooped up and knocked him in the back. Esther shot out lightning bolts at both Ideas, only to get stabbed in the back by the Idea of Paris Hilton. The idea of Walmart cast an area of effect earth magic spell on all the other Ideas that stunned them for three seconds. But creepily enough, the Idea of Straight Porn was immune.

"I'm the strongest Idea in America right now" it said. "Do you know how many people believe in me, how many excuses they give for me?" it said. "There is no stopping my legacy. Now get on your knees so I can throat fuck you all so hard you puke!" The Idea of Straight Porn said in a Lord Almighty-like tone.

Back on earth,

"It's just a game, it's just for fun, everybody likes rough sex" Hitta said, completely controlled by the Idea of Straight Porn. He grabbed a fistful of Isha and Akra's hair and smashed their heads together like coconuts. "God I want to use your brain juices for lube" he said excitedly. "This is so like, non-pc and breaking all the barriers and shit" he said. "Like fucking your grandma just because you can , being straight and white trash is HOT!"

"Women like pain. They like bad boys. They can't get enough of it, they just won't admit it because of society" Hitta said. He pulled down his pants and shoved his three-inch penis inside Akra, who just hypnotically stared off in space. Hitta then gave a long, tiresome speech about how marriage was wrong. And nobody cared about it, because people know too many real-life examples of people that are in marriages and are happy.

Back in the Realm of Ideas,

The idea of gay porn looked at the idea of straight porn and sighed. The idea of gay porn knew that it was weaker, even many gay men would defend and stick up for the idea of straight porn. But like most power, it got out of hand. "There has to be more to life than just watching asian girls on couches being throat fucked upside down by Mr. Pete" the Idea of Gay Porn said.

The Idea of Straight Porn laughed at the Idea of Gay Porn. "You dare challenge me? We all know only scared emo 14-year-old gay boys like your shit" it taunted. "Now go away before you get hurt, little fag."

The Idea of Gay Porn knew what was going on earth at all times, just like all the other Ideas. It decide to trasmit its thought to....

Gulanzon was sitting on a rock in Akliash. He was still missing the old Isha. A voice suddenly came into his head. "Isha and Akra are in trouble. Hitta, a man in Louisiana is raping them. You have to save them, go now!" it said. It was about to give Gulanzon an address too, but it was distracted by the Idea of Hot Sauce.

Gulanzon turned into a cheetah and sprinted out of Mune Forest. He then turned into a Neon Serpent Ray, a type of epic beast that could easily fly through dimensions very quickly. Gulanzon somersaulted out of the gray-lit sky and looked around at his atmosphere. He had landed in a corn field in Louisiana. He turned into a cheetah and sprinted toward a suburban area.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 42: Systems Out

The Fab Four were walking and talking in a neighborhood in Florida, near their old home that got blown up a few chapters ago. It was noon.

"We kick evil ass, we bad!" Vero said with a little pep in her step.

"That fight with Eckhart was pretty awesome" Dolphin said. She looked at Sam. "What now?'

"Well, the outside world went from loathing us, to fearing us. Which buys us time to take out more baddies."

"Your son, do you want to see him again?" Dolphin asked.

Sam frowned. "Dolphin I know you mean well, but you're starting to sound like one of those overly idealized Lifetime tv friends. I mean who are we kidding. I'm not ready to be a father yet. I'm not ready for anything. I can barely take any action in life. It's like I'm sooo sensitive. You don't even know!"

Sam sighed and shook his head. "And before you give me any advice, I've already tried everything. Therapy, 'just doing it.' Being brave. Living fully and varied and blech in the now like a good widdle enneagram 4 type." Sam threw his hands up in the air. "Nothing really works."

"Must be some sort of psychic counterbalance of you simply being on earth, you know, your gay heroic ideal powers are really diluted. Earth is the most balanced dimension. But you're so 'out there' and magical and ideal that all forms of objective reality really bring your biomagnetic energy levels down" Dolphin said all smarty-pants like.

"Yeah it's part of who I am, as core as my mage class. I wish I had another solution but I just don't. All I know how is to make up stories of ethical violations being....violated"

"So we're back to fighting evil all the time?" Vero said.

"It would help if we actually had money, or a PLACE TO FUCKING STAY" Steve said. The rest were shocked, Steve was usually chill and cool laid-back str8 man like, but he was pissed. "Newsflash, we're homeless!"

"Sam. We know deep down you're a good guy. But being good is doing nothing for us, we're on the streets! We have no house" Steve continued.

"Yeah we're like the Boxcar Children or something" Vero quipped.

"Sam, stop being so idealistic. We have to get jobs and- fuck man, I don't know. We can't live like this" Steve said.

Sam arched a brow at Steve. "Can we? The whole system is a trap and you know it. It's a carrot on a stick that you never catch. You can do everything yourself, without having to depend on strangers and people who don't subjectively care about you" Sam said. "Why pay a plumber when you can do it yourself? Why buy groceries when you can hunt food naturally? Why buy books and shit you don't need when you can find all the information yourself, by living your own life- and create creative shit all day? There is authority figures and certain powers preventing you from doing that, but we can just kick their asses now."

"You're a writer. You can make money off of your work" Steve said.

"No...." Sam said. "That isn't the way. If I want to be rewarded for being an artist, then I'm motivated for all the wrong reasons" Sam said. "And I refuse to take advantage of other people's money, even though they're all really slaves anyway - to make myself feel better. Then I'm no better than any Pure Demon we've fried."

"Where the hell did you get these non-capitalist ideas from?" Dolphin said. "And normally I'm all for your heroic speeches but I think you're going too far here."

"I'm not...." Sam sighed. "I couldn't even begin to understand something so complex as economics or capitalism. It's just, about being real you know. So real you get to the root of things without the middle man of money or governments. Nobody said it would be easy...." Sam realized that he and the others were heading toward a particularly dangerous latino area with a high crime rate.

"You know what Sam? I think you're simply too chicken! You make all these excuses for why you can't just get a job and be a normal person. But you're really just a scared, introverted ******!" Steve said, trying to tap into Sam's primal masculine nature.

Vero cleared her throat. "Steve has a point, Sam. How can you hope to do any good in the world by....walking straight toward a bunch of hot, homoerotic Latino dudes with their shirts off, carrying knives. Uh, Sam?"

Sam raised his hands, ready to blow up the spics with magic. But he lowered them and sighed. He turned around. "These men right here, were all once a victim of the unfair system like I was" Sam said....

"That doesn't give them the right to hurt other people!" Dolphin said. "Life isn't fair for anybody, but you deal with it!"

"You're right" Sam said softly. He put his head down for a few seconds, then brought it back up. "But if we really want to save the world? Then we're just going to have to change it. What I'm going to do is pretty radical, but I need you guys to believe in me" Sam said.

Dolphin rolled her eyes. "Of course. What do you want to do?"

Sam took Steve and Dolphin and Vero's hands and teleported them to a nearby school. "Here's where it all begins" Sam said. Steve, Vero, and Dolphin looked at Sam with a puzzled expression on their faces, waiting for him to deliver an explanation.

"If we destroy all the world's systems, people would be forced to deal with people's true selves, the good artistic emos wouldn't be taken advantage of, and bad people couldn't cover up their tracks with titles and their job and other enneagram 3-type bullshit. People wouldn't try to make themselves experts cause the world would just be like....a natural open shamanic field, as it really is anyway, and we couldn't all hide behind these walls and these institutions."

Dolphin smiled. "I-I think it's a brilliant idea. But can we execute it?"

"I don't know. All we can do is try. And there is a try. There isn't just a do. Yoda just said that to discourage people from really trying so they would do nothing with their lives but watch Star Trek movies and make George Lucas richer" Sam said.

"Excuse me? Can I help you with something?" a tall, good-looking man in a blue suit said to the four heroes. He was the principal, or something.

"Yeah, you can run" Sam said. Sam flicked his hands and began burning up those cheesy 'there's no I in team posters' He smirked at the man.

Steve began using his gladiator powers and punched through the walls, with his superhuman straight man strength.

Vero and Dolphin used a combination of lighting, water, and fire magic up on the pipe lines in the building and started a whole bunch of fires and floods.

"This is what the columbine boys SHOULD have done" Sam realized. "They took their hate on the people, but the problem really wasn't the people. It was the systems."

"Don't shoot the souls" Vero said, channeling so much electricity that the ceiling was about to fall. "Shoot the box."

Sam nodded. "I'll make sure the others get to safety while we tear down the whole school. I...." Sam was speechless. "You guys are really going along with this. You know, you guys still have free will. I'm just, if you still want to-"

Dolphin sighed. "Just go. Help them."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 43: The Dark Sam And Zombie Miley Show

Previously....

Because Sam killed human beings, a portal appeared. Something stepped out of the swirly magical vortex. Some place in the Sahara desert. Dark Sam looked down at the bones of Miley Cyrus. He was mostly naked, but wore tattered black tribal cloths that covered up his naughty parts. He also held a staff in his right hand, with a rat's skull for the tip.

"Good Sam is a Rainbow Mage, but guess what I am?" Dark Sam waved his staff and Miley Cyrus was brought back to life. He looked at her with a satisfied smirk. "Necromancer."


Dark Sam and Miley Cyrus were walking together in the Sahara desert, side-by-side.

"I'm....I'm alive again" Miley smirked. Although her complexion was....paler. She had a sort of zombie tint to her whole aura and skin tone.

"You're not really you. You are YOU but not... you lack that certain glow feel. Like driving in your car at 4 am just for the hell of it, that certain you know. Alive-ness. Because you're just a re-animated corpse. You have some sense of you, but you lack the artistic eclipse of the Yeargs" Dark Sam said.

Miley blinked. "Yeah whatever. Listen buddy, you've been all moody and introverted this entire time. I've been trying to read your Social Imprint and I just can't. Is this because I came back kind of funny or because you're just weird? Or because you have some sort of power over me that I'm not down with?" Miley Cyrus said, scrunching her face up in that sort of judgemental way that she does.

"It couldn't be all of the above?" Dark Sam said with a wink.

"Well at least you're evil now. I mean I know you're not THAT Sam. I'm not that stupid. But you know, I'd like to think you're the real Sam cause you seem kind of cooler than him anyway. I guess. Can we go back to my trailer now. What am I doing! I'm Miley Cyrus! I don't ask permission from anybody! Unless.... you can help me with my new album?"

Dark Sam nodded. "Face it sweetcheeks, you're getting too soft. The world needs to see a darker more serious side of you. You're growing older now and if you don't pretend to show other emotions than just shiny happy crap then people won't like you and you'll lose your power."

Miley Cyrus nodded. "Yeah I don't really give a shit about feelings, of course. I just want power. But it wasn't my fault you know. I was born into this life! I didn't ask for this. I'm a victim here too, you know!" Miley said. Her eyes looked kinda lost and scary and like she was looking for something she could never find. "Gay men with no life or job write me off as this spoiled girl but the truth is....I'm in pain. You know. I have feelings too. I just ugh... I just don't let them GET to me and I just GET ON WITH MY LIFE and I don't stay all STUCK about it like SOME people we know. Ya feel me dude?"

Dark Sam had cartoony ZZZZZs over his head, clearly showing he was not paying attention to Miley's emo-ness. "Yeah whatever babe."

Miley remembered something. "Oh god I'm so dumb. Hehe, I can just teleport us outta here. I stole this ******'s teleportation power, in my old life. I can just woosh us back to Hollywood. And then I guess we can talk shop about how to rule the world in my studio. A place much more comfy and much less....sandy. God Sandy what a horrid name. I feel sorry for girls that are named Sandy. I think I'll write a song about that, pretending to have empathy for 12-year-old girls named Sandy. Telling them how they have to just keep trying while I spend my $25 million a year doing whatever the fuck I want in life."

Sam nodded, circling his thumb over the head of his staff. "They're so naive. They think you really relate to the younger generation but what can a woman who makes $25 million a year possibly have in common with a girl whose parents who are lucky to make $60 grand a year. I mean come on now. People talk about we Sams not being realistic enough, but how much more realistic can one get?"

"The world is so gullible. It's almost too easy, you know. Sometimes I want a challenge, but the good guys aren't really known for well... being good. They seem to get off on being stomped over all the time. Weirdos! I want...another new house somewhere. Five of them! Yaay!"

Miley Cyrus took Dark Sam's hands and in a whirl of wind magic, carried them back to her trailer.

Dark Sam looked around Miley's trailer and scratched his chin. "You are going to make an interesting protege, indeed."

"Protowhat? Dude, I'm sixteen and can read people very well, but I'm too actress-like outgoing and LIVE FULLY-like to use those introverted-y book-like words. You need to just party and get laid sometimes dude, woohoo! And then have enough general knowledge to make a song everybody likes and then use that money to do whatever the hell you want yeaaah!"

"Yeah okay. We get it. You're a selfish, evil bitch. With complicated, diva-like layers that I don't really give a fuck about."

Miley twirled around and walked over to her bed, swooping up a white teddy bear. Mr. Puddles, she called it. "I guess I'm just lucky. Hollywood is an interesting life. You have to have a thick skin to make it in this business! Not for shy gay boys that are too sensitive."

"Yeah yeah but you're.... you're not really interested in true darkness, true destruction. It's a pity. You will however, make a good pawn." Dark Sam chuckled. "The puzzle piece you fit isn't nearly as big as you think it is, but your ego is interesting."

"Eep! You're insightful like the old Sam but you're also actually intimidating. Just cause you raised me, doesn't mean I can't kill you!" But it was like some other-worldly force was preventing Miley Cyrus from kicking Dark Sam's ass. "Darnit. Can't."

"Why would you harm me? I'm the reason you exist, again. Cause you're you, okay not totally you, but I still have power over you. And hello? Billy Ray Cyrus is your dad. Daddy issues much. A part of you gets off on this thing."

"But I am NOT REALLY FULLY ME SO YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH POWERRR!" Miley said. She then stuck her tongue out at Sam. "When the REAL Miley gets back, the right pure way, the way I know how everybody gets back then - ooh you're gonna be DEAD MEAT mister!"

"God. Teenage girls." Dark Sam sighed. "Well, here's the deal. You're just one member of my army, like I said before. It's what I do. I'm a Necromancer. I bring the dead back. And together, we feed on the living. Delicious, crunchy human brains." Dark Sam put his head down for a moment, then raised it back up again. Looking at Miley directly in her star-struck eyes. "I suppose it's too simple for you. But not everything is about you, damnit!"

"I'm not into snacking on brains. 'Cept for some reason I am, cause I am a zombie now. Icky. But also, you know whatev. I'm *still* Miley, just in a different way. And well sometimes you just gotta enjoy the ride you know. This is what they taught me to be like when somebody tries to act like they actually can hurt my feelings or have power over me" Miley said.

"You're being dominated by an evil Necromancer and yet you still retain your inner strength. Classy" Dark Sam sighed. He then had enough and punched her so hard with his staff that she got knocked out. "Now then, let's see what we can do about that?" Of course she had that smile on her face even when she got knocked unconscious, although for one precious moment you saw that tint of teary sadness in her eyes the way women do when they have lots of pain but have to be strong for the world.

This entertained and amused Dark Sam. Because while Good Sam was a heroic supporter of all women's rights, Dark Sam was a sick and twisted misogynist and the line between them can indeed blur. It's Sam's shadow after all. The good Sam loves women and gays and wants to protect them, but the evil Sam hates all weakness and emotion in everybody.

"What's the problem with women being in power?" Dark Sam said while shoving three digits in unconscious' Miley's rectum. Of course it was one of those Hollywood asses and Miley's butt never smelled bad the way midwestern people's butts do. "Let's count three ways...."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 44: Go, Go Gulanzon!

Gulanzon clawed down the door to Hitta's place while in Cat Form (for World of Warcraft-ness) and saw Hitta there in his living room, fucking Isha's brains out. Almost literally, cept he was putting his dick in her ear. Ew.

The protective heroic manly instincts fired up in Gulanzon and he turned into a bear. Raging, he tackled hitta to the ground and mauled his neck.

Gulanzon stepped back. You feel like a God after you kill a human, then you feel kind of bad.

"Oh god it's bad..." Gulanzon poofed into his Fairy Form and used a bunch of powerful Healing-Over-Time spells to shape Isha up, but it was too late for Akra. She had been dead for too long.

"She's dead....she didn't make it. My lover. First you lost me, now I lost her. Is this all there is, loss?" Isha said, that innocent little girl way of wanting there be more to life than hospital stays and trips to the therapy office, and lost magical world with no external support. "I mean, cripes. Jesus fucking cripes." Gulanzon changed back into regular human form and just held her.

"I'm sorry. I guess, I wanted to be just this with you this way. Just your friend." He kissed her forehead. "Not your husband or somebody who's pissed at you cause you're Gay Now. I just want to be your friend."

"Oh would you two stop being emo all ready?" Akra said from the doorway. She was wearing this sort of fourth-of-july get-up and looked similar to Jubilee from the X-men. Her hair was tied up into a ponytail. She was different, now. She wasn't a buffer class but instead a pure damage dealing class.

Isha smiled. "That's my girl. Akra was stronger than most people realize. Even while she was possessed, she still died knowing who she was. That's why her Idea brought her back already."

Akra looked down at Hitta's body but he was already dead. She saw the huge bear-like teeth marks in Hitta's neck. Akra stared Gulanzon down hatefully.

"No! I-I was supposed to be the one that killed him, not you! It was supposed to be a women power message but ugh you ruined it. A straight man saved us once again. What the fuck is with that shit?" Akra was heated.

Akra waved her hands and with sparkly yellow magic she burst up Hitta's corpse in flames. But it just wasn't the same. She needed to see life before she made death.

Gulanzon cleared his throat. "Hitta was....misguided. He had powers, and he used them for evil but I don't think - I mean God knows, I'm not making any excuses for him but.... if you let revenge destroy you you'll only destroy yourself too, and I'm not....getting through here, am I?"

"She just got raped, Gulanzon. For real. I'm not sure you can just get over that! She wants revenge, but the target of her revenge is already down, but she still needs to kill. She's human. She needs to kill. Why not just let her kill?" Isha said, although she wasn't quite sure of what to believe in or what to do about all this yet.

Akra shook her head. "This is all Sam's fault" she said.

"Whoa.... Sam? How is this his fault?" Isha said. "He wasn't the one who raped you."

"It was Sam who inspired me to fight evil in the first place, it was because of him I learned about the Ideas. He could have stopped Hitta but he's too busy trying to fix the world that people like me get caught in the crossfire. I don't think so. He's gotten too powerful, he needs to be taken down. Something about this just feels right to me. Another Idea I know, but I have to listen to it."

Isha frowned. "I don't think that's the way honey. I don't-" Akra shot out two yellow lightning bolts at Gulanzon and Isha, knocking them both down.

Isha brought herself back up on both feet with gentle wind magic. "Enough! It's only an IDEA you have in your head that Sam's the bad guy but that's not really Sam. Or you. That's the Ideas. Akra, you're playing right into the hands of the Ideas. You need to-" But she wasn't listening. Akra turned around and blew up the wall with mojo and went out into the hole she made.

"Must....kill....Sam"

"Aren't we going to play the good guys and go after her?" Isha said. "I mean, Sam can't die. Can he? Should he? Those are all questions I guess we need to ask ourselves. He really wants to save the world but everytime he does well, shit like this happens."

"He's on the right track, other people just don't realize it. At least that's what I want to believe. Look, Akra just needs some time to cool down. We need to search this place, discover what made Hitta do something so disgusting" Gulanzon said.

Isha nodded. She searched his computer and not surprisingly found a whole truckload of rough, abusive straight porn. "This is yuck. But everybody does excuse it, you know. The Idea of it is too strong to really change people's minds about it. Even if it is wrong and damaging. You know?" She shook her head.

Gulanzon blinked. "The Idea of Straight Porn, it's responsible for this. But I wonder, where do Ideas come from? Where do they originate? The source of Ideas or are they just these pure things that have always been here, making them so big and scary with infinite hit points that we can't ever hope to-"

Isha shook her head and held up her hand, stopping Gulanzon from going on a nerdy tangent. "I don't believe that. We killed Abr-"

"But! You thinking about him, just resurrects his own form in the Realm of Ideas. Right? Abraham is back. Probably weak enough to not really be a threat but if he gathers more power one day..." Gulanzon sighed. "It never ends, fighting evil is a 24/7 job. Every second, every thought."

Isha kind of half-smiled at Gulanzon. "Yeah but, I mean we still kicked ass okay. We prevented his Death Knight-form from destroying the world. We still do good, sometimes. Damnit. I refuse to believe that everything is dark, all the time. Let him be up in the clouds, who cares- he's not down here where he can actually hurt anybody. He can only try to persuade and taunt them. And it might be *eons* before Abraham is strong enough to attack again, anyway."

In the midst of all the cruel male fantasy, Isha found something interesting. "Heh. You know, the poor sod actually wanted to better himself." She threw something at Gulanzon for him to look at. "Here are some wrinkled up old manuals to Weight Watchers and 'healthy living.' He wanted to work out more, get out of his white trash community. A part of him truly wanted that, the more Sun-Light part of Hitta. The whole thing just never took. It's just, I don't know whose fault it is. The Idea of Straight Porn I guess is the one to blame, but Hitta was susceptible to the Idea himself. But how much of it is Hitta fault the way he was? It's like whose fault is it?" Isha said.

"Yeah and it's like what we learned before, from Sigma. You try to kill this part of Hitta, the other part of Hitta also gets destroyed, the loveable goofy good-natured one that really wants to improve himself and the lives of others. I know Akra knows that."

Isha frowned. "Let's not get all. I mean, he still raped me. I'm not anybody's god. I'm just a girl trying to do what's right. And if Hitta wanted to redeem himself just wanting isn't good enough. He should have taken more action." She sighed. "God there isn't anything to do in white trash towns like these BUT wank at pictures of girls getting throat fucked."

Isha rubbed her temples. "Okay, I think we're done here. This place....I want to get out of here" Isha said. "And go back to what we were trying to figure out before Hitta decided to make us his sex slaves: Who the hell summoned that Clear Dragon."

"I will help" Gulanzon said.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 45: Sam, The Hypocritical Homo - Part I

Sam, Vero, Dolphin and Steve were once again standing in the school's main hallway, although they had been to every floor and every room of the school, evacuating everybody to safety while destroying the building with their powers.

The school was just about totalled now. There was a bunch of news cameras going on reporting what happened. Barbara Walters, John Stossel, Connie Chung, and Diane Sawyer were all there in that shrew-ish judgmental way, getting off on other people's fears the way journalists do. Sam and the others were too tired to figure out who was a Pure Demon and who was a Half-Demon amongst them, but at this point it did not matter. But before they could ask Sam a truckload of questions, he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Sam just confidently looked into the cameras. "You left us no choice, we had to do this - it's for your own good, you can't hide between these walls any longer. You are forced to deal with each other's subjective fears. I tried to tell you guys who I really was on the inside, but you didn't believe me. I tried to lie and tell you what you wanted to hear, and you still hated who I was. You didn't listen to me, and you don't listen to each other."

A chubby kid with shaggy blonde hair crawled out from the corner and looked at Sam. You know that type that's sort of the schoolyard bully but is also kind of self-aware enough to know better. He accidentally got injured during all the commotion. His legs were on fire. Dolphin cast Flow on them, putting the fire out. There might be internal bleeding, and he could die. None of the heroes could heal magically anymore, however. Sam had empathy for the kid, sure he could come back again via his own Idea, but Sam still felt a little guilty. But the boy clearly didn't want anybody's sympathy.

He looked confident and gangsta, with a lot of street smarts. "If you really want to get rid of the systems, isn't your home yet another system?" the kid said. "You can destroy places like this but the truth is you are just as institutionalized sitting on your home in front of the computer" he said with a smug smirk. Dolphin and Vero tried to tend to his wounds mechanically, wrapping up his legs in brown bandages they found in the nurse's office.

Sam looked at the others and frowned. "He's right. If we really want to do this then we can't be a hypocrite. We have to also take down the systems that we agree with. If I want other people to deal with my internal realms then I have to deal with other people's too."

"Systems make people feel safe Sam, there has to be another way....." Vero said.

"Real magic is more potent. It would bust through again anyway" Sam said with a sigh. "We can't give up now. We've come too far."

Sam saw a bunch of security guys surround them. There was a time when Sam would be intimidated and afraid to show these guys eye contact, just cause they were masculine and threatening. But not this time. And Sam knew if he tried to reason with them, they wouldn't listen. So the following speech was given more to boost up the morale of his *own* troops.

"You know arresting us isn't going to do anything. We'll just come back, you know you can't just keep using external force to cover up the things in your life that you'd not rather deal with. Like the fact that women have power, gays exist and some of us have power too and you well,....you're just straight men. You're too weak to go into those emo realms so you just create more physical barriers. They're still there, just because you have a tough skin it doesn't matter."

Steve smiled. Even though he was a straight guy himself, he still admired Sam's courage and over-all philosophy.

"Do you think anybody gives a shit that you're gay?" one of the dudes said, punching Sam in the stomach.

Dolphin stood up. "Hey! There's no need to do that. I hate how ASSHOLES are attracted to positions like yours. That is what is wrong with the world! People who don't have power, should have it, and people who shouldn't are drawn to it like Usagi is to donuts!"
Everybody but Sam just blinked at that, cause they didn't understand Sailor Moon references.

Dolphin's eyes glowed and she looked bad-ass. "Leave him alone!" Dolphin raised her arms and cast two strong gusts of Water on the guards chest, knocking them back into beaten-up lockers.

Vero nodded. "We haven't gotten violent with anybody here, except that um one accident. We're just damaging things."

The men just looked each other and then ran in the other direction.

"The time for magic is now" Sam said sternly with his friends by his side.

Suddenly, the main doors to the school were completely blown up, more so than they already were. When the smoke cleared, you could see Akra. Standing there with her arms folded. "No, I believe the time for kicking your ass is now."

One of the security dudes that decided to stay back just looked at Sam and laughed. "Ha! One of your own kind will deal with you scum."

Connie Chung, John Stossel, Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer just observed all of this from the distance with their little notepads, feeling in awe and revitalized.

"This is a damn good story" Diane Sawyer said.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 46: Sam, The Hypocritical Homo - Part II

Akra approached Sam. Sam tried to punch her, but she grabbed his fists and punched him instead. He tried to do the same thing with his other arm, but she grabbed it and punched him yet again. This time so hard he went flying down on the ground.

Dolphin and Vero tried to cast a lightning bolt and water bolt on Akra from opposite directions, but she raised her hands and exploded the projectiles, and froze them in mid-air. She then created a conflicting force field with the two opposing elements by humming (a left over remnant from her Songstress days) and drawing her hands together in a prayer, and when she opened her arms she sent a large shock radius that knocked Dolphin and Vero back against the walls.

Steve ran up and tried to fight Akra, but she was too heated. She blocked all of his attacks. And finally high kicked Steve so hard, breaking his jaw. With no healer in the group it would be at least two weeks before it felt better. Steve retreated.

"Akra....you're strong now. I mean, you were always strong but. WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING US?" Sam said.

"Hitta raped me and Isha" Akra said. "Used his mind controlling power against us. Weren't you supposed to I don't know, tell him not to do it?"

"We c-can't have control over the whole universe. We can just only try....I'm sorry, Akra" Sam said.

"The disgusting fucker throat fucked me so hard that I couldn't breathe, for real. I passed out and died on his carpet."

Sam gulped. "Akra...I-I'm sorry. I knew Hitta was into that stuff, I didn't think he would actually you know, act on it. Akra, listen. It was wrong what hitta did. Just plain wrong and I-I don't know what...."

Suddenly, Sam heard another Idea. Only this time, it chose to speak itself to all of them. "Oh get off it ******. You are turned on by the SAME EXACT thing Hitta is. Do your little friends know that?"

Sam just stood there. "Well, I...."

"You like real pain, you get off on it, how far you can see the men go with the women. How far they can break them and get away with it. To you it's sometimes more homoerotic and hot then when two men go at it. Do they know that?"

Sam looked at his friends and stepped back. He had a red face. "Stop it, just stop!"

"And this is the world's hero? A man who can't even get a job or go outside for more than ten minutes without being drained, who is attracted to violent porn on the internet. You preach against Hitta for the very same thing you like to do, you hypocrite. I wonder what Vero and Dolphin think of you now? And I wonder what those gay boys think, the ones you're supposed to be saving? Because you still think that in order to be strong you have to be straight, your speeches are just a bravado to mask the truth."

"That isn't me. I don't actually want to do those things!" Sam clenched up his fists and slouched his back against a locker.

"Yes you do. Just like your little bisexual butt buddy John from Starr Commonwealth. You really think that gay power, in it's most manliest form, is seeing women abused and degraded. This is the really you, beyond all your shiny ideals and gay happy crap."

Sam, disgusted with himself ran out of the school and started crying.

Dolphin called out after Sam but didn't go after him yet. "Sam, it's okay. I mean, everybody likes bad boys you know and well, I mean. I don't think. Sam never actually hurt a woman before!" Dolphin said, frustrated with the Ideas. "You're just....taunting him. Making him feel bad about himself. Hello! How are you helping in any way?" Dolphin said to the Idea.

"It's an Idea, I don't think it cares. It only cares that.....it's pure form is realized, at the expense of all other reality" Steve said.

Vero put her head down. "I guess, it isn't so simple. If Sam was just this 100% passive little gay man it wouldn't be as interesting, or worth fighting for. His own shadow, his-"

Steve put his hand up, as if correcting Vero about something. "But that's just it. It isn't Sam's shadow. I don't think he views it like that, or that he can minimize it like that by labeling it his Shadow, as if the thoughts are dark and thus 'less than' than all his other thoughts. I think he's freaked out that it actually might be his real self. You know?" Steve said. "Poor thing, he already had to deal with the fact he wasn't a healer, and now this."

"I guess we've all just agreed and accepted the Idea of Straight Porn, you know?" Dolphin said frowning. "But so what? I mean....he can't let this demoralize him. He's just not a person that likes that stuff, there's more to him than that, there was more to Hitta than that" Dolphin said. "And should we really care what turns Sam on or be embarrassed by it?" she added.

Or maybe he's just afraid he can't really be a man and take girls, the way they really want? another Idea said.

More Ideas just kept talking. More thoughts, more conflicting thoughts just kept trying to get a hold of the heroes.

"Stop it okay. You're just thoughts, just ideas. You're not reality. Sam isn't going out and abusing women or throat fucking them or anything like that. He's not doing that to men, either. He's dealing with something huge, and this will make him stronger in the end, and none of you guys can deal with that, cause he's on to each and every one of you!" Dolphin said.

The Ideas retreated for a time. And there was just that clear thing, where you just listened to how objective reality was with no ideal attachments. It was that stench of human understanding. And the egoic fog departed and for a time, everybody looked like.... they were one family (John Stossel looked like everybody's daddy with that big-ass stache), but it didn't last very long.

Akra shook her head. "He must pay. You really want somebody like this in charge?" Akra said. "Come on. He just admitted it, he really wanted me to be raped and the sicko probably got aroused off me telling him what happened."

"No, he didn't. I mean you can't know that" Vero said. "I think you're going after the wrong guy here. Sam might have those urges but thoughts can't hurt-" Vero knew that it wasn't so simple, cause the Ideas after all, were *everything.* "The main mission still stands, we shouldn't hurt each other. We should hurt the systems."

Sam stepped up to his friends again, the way you do after you have a really good cry. "You're right. I'm really the bad guy." He flicked his hands and destroyed Akra from the inside out.

Sam watched Akra burn and explode in flames. "There's no way to convince you how sorry I am, other than you know- killing you."

Dolphin frowned. Steve just sort of gasped at that, and Vero sighed.

"I'm sorry. I had to....." Sam fainted.

"He's been using too much magic....." Dolphin said. "Akra, she's well - yeah - she's dead. Again. But we all know that death isn't the end. Sam's just....this is how he has to deal with her right now."

"You really do love Sam, don't you?" Steve said to Dolphin.

Dolphin looked down at Sam and cradled him into her arms. "Yeah...." She then sort of dropped him and let his head hang back on her knee. Knowing she's kind of silly for wanting to mommy Sam at times, and that he will be a brave little gay man and get through this himself and stand on his own again, one day. "But let's not get. I mean. I know I'm biased or whatever. But I do like Sam. And Hitta. Actually more than I liked Akra and well....I don't know. I just don't know. If that has to do with my woman self-hatred issues or what, and well facing all these things are what we have to face if we really want to save the world."

Vero sighed. "I think we're done here. Before we go deeper into our journey, I really think we need to check on how Baby Eldanen is doing" she said. And with that, she teleported the heroes out of the school and into Sigma's place.

Of course, Diane Saywer and co. told the outside world the version that they wanted to tell.

2 Days Later...

It was 3 oclock in the morning. The school was completely abandoned. Dark Sam looked around at all the rubble. There was a sense of peace here. That in a way, Sam brought peace to others and they didn't even know it yet. They would never really thank him, and Dark Sam knew the other Sam would actually be okay with that.

Zombie Miley Cyrus walked behind Dark Sam.

Dark Sam made a motion with his staff, and raised Akra. "Yes master, I will do your bidding" Zombie Akra said as soon as her corpse was revived.

"That's it, you're just a slave, a pawn of men and our twisted ideas, and don't you forget it- you stupid bitch" Dark Sam said. He looked around for other corpses to raise but there wasn't any. That one boy lived after all.

Miley Cyrus looked at Akra and slapped her the way they do in those bisexual porn videos where they have one female and one male dominating another woman. "That's right bitch, we're raising an army. And all you are is just one small puzzle piece. Sam is the master."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 47: Baby's First Idea

The heroes were all standing in front of Sigma's place. "I remember as a kid, I just always kept to myself, I didn't verbalize anything. I was just in my head. I always....dealt with inner realms" Sam said to Dolphin.

Vero was about to knock on the door, but just blew it up with lightning magic instead.

"It's okay" Dolphin said. "You saw the unseen, the way all little magical fairy gay INFps do" she said.

"It's all coming back to me now, why I got the way I did. I made so many mistakes without realizing it, took the easy way out so many times, just avoiding....facing shit" Sam said.

"We'll figure it out eventually, let's just....I don't know. My brain hurts" Dolphin said. "Don't be so hard on yourself!"

Sam, Vero, Steve and Dolphin approached Sigma who had baby Eldanen on his lap and was playing patty-cake with him.

"Do we have to recap why he teleported himself to you, or have you already heard what happened?" Steve said.

"I already know. I am sorry the whole plan with the house didn't take, grasshoppas" Sigma said.

"We can't go back home anymore" Sam said, making a direct reference to Plato's allegory of the cave. "To any home. We have to take away the homes of everybody else- as they are a system people are trapped in" Sam said.

"Sounds pretty rash" Sigma said, bobbing Eldanen up and down with his knee.

Sam sighed. "I had a revelation. You know this whole thing isn't just about fighting evil. It's about-"

"Say power and I bite you" Vero said.

"It's about something greater than evil, greater than good. Greater than strength. This is about what's right. It's just- the *right* thing to do" Sam pleaded. "And I know everybody else feels it too deep down, they're just afraid."

"The Idea of Rightness hmmmm" Sigma scratched his head. "Looks like that's the angle you're coming from here...."

"Without my ideas, then who am I?" Sam said. "It's like I cease to exist and it's just.....stuff. Is that the correct way either?" Sam said. "It seems like escapism."

"And what's so wrong with escapism?" Sigma said. "Really?"

"Do you really want to just.....blow up everybody's house. I don't think you guys have that much power, anyway" Sigma said. "Even when you take your recent class upgrades into consideration."

"You're just a middle class white boy loser who needs to get laid and do what he wants and enjoy life" another Idea spoke to them.

"Ah, see what I mean. The Ideas, they're all getting stronger. As if something is brewing, something big is about to go down" Sam said. "And it's like, I don't think the good guys are defined by being the ones that get attacked first."

"You have no ego so you know the ego of all others. It's a terrible burden" Sigma said to Sam. "And also of course, a tremendous gift."

Sam rolled his eyes. "I don't need 'upliftment.' We need real answers here. What are we supposed to do next?' Sam looked out the window for a moment, the sky was overcast in gray clouds and things felt pretty epic and heavy.

Sigma just shrugged, lovingly and distantly like the fucking annoying introverted monk that he was. "That, is really up to you. And whatever Idea you choose to listen to."

Sam thought for a second. "The bad guys understand the Ideas just as well as we do, if not better. The governments of the world aren't going to try to kill us, they know better than that. The are just going to try to psychologically demoralize us instead. Weakening the own Idea of us in the process. So, when we do die, we'll be so weakened and emo that we'll come back as a roll of toilet paper or something."

"Well just think about it. Only what we know is manifested. What we don't know exists as well, it just has not been invoked. That is why Eldanen is so precious, remember? He can summon things nobody has even thought before. In fact, I gave him a tonic to help rush the growth of his powers along" Sigma said.

Baby Eldanen's eyes suddenly glowed red. And Baby Eldanen disappeared off of Sigma's lap, and regular 20-something Eldanen materialized before the heroes. The same Eldanen in the first three chapters that got killed by Miley Cyrus, only this time as a Summoner, not a Warlock.

(When Eldanen popped up on Sigma's lap in adult form he made Sigma get an involuntarily erection that he would spend about two weeks meditating and being emo over.)

"Oh....wow!" Eldanen said in that southern gay twang that he speaks in. "Hey everybody!"

Sam blinked. "I just knew you were going to do the whole Soap Opera thing" he said.

Dolphin was amazed. "Baby Eldanen was so strong....he summoned another Idea of himself. An older version of himself that's strong enough to fight for himself." She scratched her chin. "It makes perfect sense that Eldanen's first Idea would be well, Eldanen!"

Steve nodded. "Yeah, he can't really do much to help as a baby."

"I'm not just gonna fight for me" Eldanen said. "My own dark side was that I was always too selfish. I knew the right answers but I didn't reach out and help others enough for fear of getting hurt. But that's all about to change. You guys need Ideas? I gots them."

Eldanen suddenly snapped his fingers and summoned three Drag queen-esque looking Ideas that wielded long knives. They all looked so magnificently unique, like one idea was chubby with a purple scarf around its neck that had red jewel bits on its head. It had blue beady eyes and a sort of half-translucent, half-creamy face. The other idea was taller with a shaper, angular face. Its body was mostly yellow with blue spots that ballooned up like nipples. The third Idea looked the most 'human' and had flowing silver hair and pure white eyes with the brightness of about a 70-watt lightbulb. It also had a sort of Dragon's tail that curled up into a bun at the end.

"With me, y'all should have enough power to destroy all systems of the world" Eldanen said.

Sam looked at Eldanen with a huge grin, then back at Steve and Vero and Dolphin. "Let's do it" Sam said.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 48: The Normals

There are Half-Demons, Pure Demons, and regular humans with no powers that are basely empathetic, that just do whatever what anybody else says. And of course, there are the Ideas. But, there is one more group of beings called the Normals, those people sort of stuck between knowing somewhat about magic, but still choosing to enjoy the manifestation of other people's creations without really making much of their own. They are your middle class suburban families.

They are submissive enough to do their schoolwork and know about psychological realms, but they mainly advocate for going along with the 'status quo' (as if such a thing really exists) But whatever judgment we may have about them, they exist. They know better, at times, but they physically orientated themselves in ways that lets evil reign supreme over all.

It was a Wednesday afternoon. Joe Normal walked into his house, 1308 Oak Street after going to work. He picked up the mail, wiped his shoes on the doormat. Ate dinner, talked a little bit about politics (mostly saying 'THE ECONOMY' without really knowing what he was talking about), chuckled at sitcoms designed for white trash people to laugh at, went to bed- got a blowjob from his wife and went to sleep.

It was the perfect balance of creation and consumption with no real life. But it was more insidious than that. As anything Joe created, he created truly FOR ANOTHER. And everything he consumed, somebody else had already made. He was so boring, so bland so blah, and so banal, but he also didn't care, and sort of wore this as a badge.

He could never bring himself to just like, write a story on the internet for it's own fun sake. (Helping yourself and the world at the same time with pure gay magic) That would be too weird for them. Nope, might as well play by the rules!

They longed for more excitement in life. Sometimes Joe would jack off into the forest. Sometimes his wife Mary would laugh at those spam emails with mainstream jokes that are designed for middle-aged heterosexual people with an average IQ of 70-something to laugh at and have no real intellectual depth whatsoever.

Of course there was those tv shows with people that were 'special' that also longed for a normal life, and they sucked this shit up like candy but the people who made these shows only wanted them to buy the DVDs when they came out. They also tend to ignore their son Johnny when he had emotional issues. "I'll buy him a Nintendo DS! That will help him!" they think. Also when little Johnny stood up to them they called over authority figures that tried to intimidate him to keep him in line, because they were afraid of his own power.

"You're just like everybody else!, so stop complaining" they would tell Johnny, when he clearly was NOT like everybody else.

(Of course, bands like Savage Garden says things like 'Your parents did the best job they knew how to do' in their songs because they want Johnny's parents to go to the store and buy their CDs, so they try to place guilt trips on Johnny and blame the victim when really they need to do the right thing and stand up to this insanity.)

14-year-old Johnny was a magical kid stuck with the Normals and nobody understood him. His power was very great, as he gave birth to new Ideas! Summoners bring the Ideas to reality, but Johnny was the one who manifested Ideas in the first place. To say we all have this power is mistaken, as we might have it to varying degrees but it was Johnny's entire class. Some of us are heroes, but he was the reason that heroes existed. He was the reason why we do what we do. The notion of innocence.

Johnny prayed every night, not knowing that when he prayed- his prayers were being answered. "I want two cute gay men to save me from my parents who are too weak and insecure to stand up to the narcissists who control them" he said. "I just want... I guess the Idea I'm looking for, is the idea of my own salvation. Purely and simple. Amen" Johnny said.

Then one day, while Joe Normal, Mary Normal and Johnny Normal were eating breakfast, the window in the kitchen burst open.

Joe Normal hid under the table because he had no balls and Mary Normal just stood there shaking. A few glass shards had pierced into her skin, but she would be okay.

"I'm sorry but this is for your own good. The life you're living isn't a life. It's a stale, hollow carcass of a life. AND YOU BLOODY KNOW IT DEEP DOWN SO DON'T JUST SAY THIS IS MY OPINION" Sam said. Dolphin, Steve, Vero and Eldanen were behind him cheering him on.

"I'm doing this cause I really care. I want nothing from you, other than for you to be truly empowered" Sam said. Dolphin had cartoony sailor moon anime heart-eyes at Sam, he could be so brave. Sam looked across at the wall of the Normals' house. He threw a fireball spell at the wall that was so large it knocked down the wall and showed the view of the kitchen. Lots of other objects began catching fire.

"Wow that is so cool!" Johnny said like that Mary Sue in Jewish tv shows that everybody relates to. The kind you know gets molested by Steven Speilberg.

The gay men and women in the party cast magic while the sole straight guy used physical attacks to tear up everything in the home. Steve somersaulted in the air and kicked the table in half.

After about thirty minutes, the Normals house was destroyed.

Joe Normal scratched his head. "What the hell.... what do we do now?" he said. "Our entire life is ruined!"

"Your house isn't your life, god" Sam said. "And I'm not channeling Fight Club too much with that, as we all know that was just designed for -"

"Insecure adolescent straight boys with no life that want to feel manly but they have to pay money to make the real manly men even manlier while they can only feel like they're manly?" Dolphin said. Wow, she was getting good at this.

Sam nodded. "EXACTLY!"

"You have to be a creator yourself. What do YOU want to do. Throat fuck your wife so hard she pukes? I don't know." Sam shrugged. The damnit Idea of Straight Porn was definitely still strong.

"The point is, that it's really up to you. But you don't have to keep this charade up. It's all an illusion to keep you in line" Sam said.

Joe Normal and Mary Normal just kind of....slumped and stood there. Mary Normal sat down on a chair that Sam had destroyed with a mini Neon Nova spell.

"I don't know what to do. At all. I can't-" Mary started tearing up. "I don't even know how to take care of my own kid anymore." She was serious.

Sam gulped. "We'll....handle that" he said. Sam looked over at Vero. "Vero? Take Johnny to Sigma's. Johnny has powers, and Sigma will help him come to terms with that" Sam said.

Vero put her hand on Johnny's shoulder and use her teleportation power to electrify him out of the house.

Joe Normal got into Sam's face all scary and straight man like. "This was the only life we've ever known, and you took it away from us."

"It's not your life. And you know it. Every day you wake up feeling dead inside. Now? Now you have a chance to feel that alive sparky feel that the people who create get to feel. If you just let it in" Sam said.

"And I'm not going to create any evil with that statement accidentally, because I don't feel guilty, and all that mess before was just because I believed in the ideas of Joss Whedon more than I did my own" Sam said, heroic and manly like. He was coming into himself more, looked shinier and more integrated.

Dolphin folded her arms all proudly. "Well, another one bites the dust!" She looked at Sam. "Sorry, I should have been more original?"

Sam smiled. "You're fine." He looked back at the Normals. "And you might be too. One day."

Sam, Steve, Dolphin and Eldanen left the house and marched right over to the next one. Only like 65238947329047890324732895473290432 more to go!

"We didn't even need Eldanen to summon the Ideas for that, maybe because we were already so connected to our own Idea of ourselves?" Sam said.

"No. It just won't always be that easy" Eldanen said.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 52: Rise of the Ancients

Sam, Vero, Dolphin, Steve, and Eldanen have destroyed a whole block worth of houses. Everybody that was in the houses just kept looking around, and started to talk with each other. A few people were actually happy about what Sam was doing and had begun to throw a block party on the street. Playing Jason Mraz music and everything.

News cameras were following Sam around, held up by men in trucks. They didn't stop him though. They didn't have the power, and they knew it would be pointless anyway.

"They're watching our every move...." Dolphin said, stating the obvious. It was an endearing character trait of hers.

"And they weren't before?" Sam said. "At least now they're more honest about it"

Vero nodded. "They could just safely watch us from another building some place far away, this whole area is watched by satellites like everything else is. So, they're just trying to intimidate us and throw us off-guard. Don't let it get to you" she said.

Vero saw a fire hydrant. She shot out a wave of white electricity at the hydrant and watched it explode and burst out a gust of water.

"I've always wanted to do that" she said.

"They're more scared of us than we are of them. I knew that was always true...." Sam said. "It makes me more worried for them that it gives me confidence, honestly" he said.

Sam heard helicopter choppers whirring from above. He looked up in the distance.

A few seconds later, the governor of Michigan, Jennifer Granholm, walked down from the helicopter and approached Sam and the others. "You must cease what you are doing!" Jennifer said.

Sam laughed. "No." He raised his hands, but thought for a moment and then lowered them. "Because of people like you, the whole system, the government, my magical powers were bound. Not anymore. You can't lock me up just because I'm a powerful unique special different one!" he said.

"We can and we will. Don't think we won't do it" she said assertive and bitchy like. "We give you many chances to use your magic on our terms. Prison isn't anything like Starr, Mister Leonard."

"You're not powerful so you have to draw on external resources to power yourselves" Sam said. "How pathetic."

"I tell lies to get into power. You tell the truth. People are weak. We all know who they'll follow" Jennifer said.

Sam walked closer to Jennifer. "I don't want followers. I don't want to lead. I just want....to do what's right." Sam, Dolphin and Vero combined their powers and blew up Jennifer's helicopter. She shrieked and fell flat on her face. She got up.

"Let's just kill her" Dolphin said. She shot a fire spell to Jennifer Granholm's heart, but she just sort of....sucked it up. Her face flashed in scales for a few seconds.

"Illuminati reptilian demons. They really ARE real" Steve said.

Jennifer nodded. "As neanderthals aren't human, reptilian demons aren't pure demons. We are that which came before, and that which will exist forever after. We are the purest of the pure demons, and we shall continue to have total control over earth. We are....the Ancient Ones. You cannot stop us."

Sam looked over at the camera man who was filming this entire fiasco. "You're making the outside world have whatever perception of me that Jennifer wants me to have. But it's never the correct one, is it?" Sam said.

"You think people will be on your side just because you free them of the systems, you really think it's that simple, you pathetic little ******" Jennifer said. She shot out a long, seven-foot tongue at Sam. Sam gulped and dodged it.

"It doesn't matter, I-"

"They'll go after you. They'll kill their own savior" Jennifer said.

"And like Jesus, I'll keep coming back!" Sam said. Jennifer growled and ran away. She morphed into a flying snake that went even faster than the helicopter they blew up.

"Wow. That was wow." Vero looked up at the sky. It was getting darker now, the sun was beginning to set.

To the left, a few angry humans were approaching Sam with torches and pitchforks. But most people were still just 'what the fuck' and wandered around aimlessly. And a few people were still celebrating. To the right, a bunch of police cars with their sirens flashing could be seen zooming toward the heroes.

"Hold your guard. Don't give in" Sam said. "We fight! We continue to fight!"

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 53: A Basic Boss Fight

Gulanzon gently lowered Isha and Maria to safety. He then transformed into his regular human form.

"We're heeeere" Gulanzon said. They were in some sort of mild forest. There was a thin fog that surrounded the area. The grass here was a mix of blue, green, brown and yellow.

Isha looked around. "It's so pretty."

Maria looked up at the sky. "It's probably about 6 pm or so."

"The fog gets even thicker up ahead" Gulanzon said. "I couldn't take us directly to Expat's place but uh, it should be up here some ways" he said.

The trio walked through the forest. The fog just kept getting thicker and thicker.

Maria conjured a yellow light in her palm. She lifted the spark the air and let the light grow and grow. The fog started to push back and melt away.

But, she heard she something rustle in the distance. A few steps later, and a huge demonic spider stepped out between two large trees.

"It's a Dominant Female Spider!" Gulanzon said.

"I'm so sorry!" Maria said. "My spell must have woke it."

Gulanzon shook his head. "Naw. We would have to have fight it anyway. And now, now at least we can see the damn thing."

Isha half-smiled. "Boss fight time." The spider skittered toward the gang, initiating battle. Each one of its eight eyes was about half the size of Gulanzon's whole body, that's how big it was. Maria looked right into one of its eyes....and fell asleep.

Gulanzon transformed into Fairy Form and Dispelled Maria's sleep status. Isha cast a Glyph of Awakening spell that protected Gulanzon from going to sleep himself.

The spider stretched out its jaws and cast three swirling webs around the feet of Gulanzon, Isha and Maria. The webs slowed them down. Gulanzon tried to dispel the webs, but he couldn't.

"If we don't burn her down fast enough, we'll be stopped forever" Gulanzon said.

Maria shot out fireball after fireball at the creature. Gulanzon transformed into his jaguar form and swiped at the spider. Isha shot out laser beams from her spellbook.

Maria noticed the cast time of her fireball spell slowly increase with each consecutive cast. Base Fireball spell was 2 seconds. But now it was 2.4 seconds. Then 2.6 seconds. Now it was up to 3.1 seconds.

Isha cast a buff spell on Maria that caused her fireball spell to do double damage. "I can only use that once every three minutes" Isha said....

"We have to use whatever tricks we can to take this fucker down!" Gulanzon said.

Maria drank some speed-hasting potions from her holster, to off-set the slow web debuff. She couldn't really keep up with them, but for three or four fireballs they stayed at about 3.5 seconds. But now, they were reaching 3.8 seconds....

The spider clawed and bit everybody randomly, and sent out a bunch of mini-spiders at the party. The mini-spiders were much smaller, about the size of regular real-life spiders, but there was so many of them that they quickly racked up the damage.

"Save your area of effect attacks until we get more of them" Isha said. "As well as your heals. We must focus on the boss!" she said.

Maria could use a heal, but she drunk a healing potion instead. The spider hatched more mini-spiders to attack the party. It then pierced one of its furry ugly legs into Maria's chest. One second later and Maria's fireball would have went off.

"Unngh....no" Maria coughed up blood and fell face down on the ground.

"Oh shit, Maria is dead!" Isha said. She cast 'Glyph of Gigantic Power' on Gulanzon and herself, which increased their size to match the size of the spider's. It made them about 75% more powerful for a very short amount of time. Like for five seconds. Gulanzon got the finishing blow, biting the spider completely in half in a huge jaguar bite. Their web debuff went away as soon as the boss died.

Gulanzon immediately transformed into his Fairy Form and tried ressurecting Maria, and thankfully it worked! If he had just been a second later, she would be gone though. "I couldn't have tried rezzing you while that stupid web was on me or it would have taken like 30 seconds" he said.

Maria rubbed her head. "It's okay....I'm okay." She looked around. "Whew! Is everybody okay?"

Isha nodded. "Sorry you died. But you know, you're not part of the team until you die." She smiled at Maria.

Gulanzon brushed himself off. "Come on ladies. We got to keep moving." In the distance, you could see a large castle on top of a hill.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 54: Expat

Gulanzon, Isha and Akra walked up a winding dirt path that lead to a scary looking castle. Gulanzon rang the doorbell. The doors opened on their own.

The party expected to fight some ghosty looking enemies, but the interior of the castle looked.... surprisingly peaceful, and serene. Gulanzon looked around. There was bookshelves all around. There was a bunch of degrees from universities plastered on all walls. Ahead of them was a wide stair-case that led up to the second floor.

"Saluations" Expat said. A tall, old man in a brown suit vest and gray slacks waved at the heroes. He walked down the staircase, but his feet never touched the steps. He was levitating, and showing off to boot.

Gulanzon stepped up. "We found your hair in Akliash. What gives, Expat?" Gulanzon said.

Expat kind of just sighed and smiled. "Yes, it was I who sent that ferocious beast after you all" he said.

"You killed me!" Isha said. "How could you?"

"Because Sam is young and naive. More naive than he should be, probably. He still thinks that he has to make a choice between the physical world and the world of magic. But I am living proof that you don't have to do that. I am successful in the real world," Expat took a moment to point to all the university degrees he had up on the walls, "and I can also call forth magnificent beasts" Expat said.

"It smells like grandpa farts in here...." Maria said.

"I was going to tell you all, but I got busy with other matters. And I knew you kids would figure it out, anyway" he said.

Maria put her head down. "Sam....I don't know him very well, but he's different than you." She put her head up. "You can't expect him to be like you, you know. So you can handle both worlds. I'm not sure that Sam can. He's like...a pure mage."

"Then he will fail of course, his big plan to save the world will perish" Expat said.

"How can you know that?" Gulanzon asked.

"He has no external reputation. The Magic Ones adore him but it's not enough is it?" Expat said.

"Maybe...." Isha said.

"Though truth be told, I'm jealous. As a hybrid class, I can never be as proficient in magic as Sam can be. But what does it matter? The magic I do, at least it DOES something. Even if it gets you killed...." He chuckled half-apologetically.

Isha stepped away. "You're just a creepy old man!" she said.

"Why do you hide in this house, far away from civilization?" Maria asked.

"Hey I am called Expat for a good reason, you know" Expat said. "It is all part of what you need to do to balance both worlds. You have to hide a lot, become a hermit, and analyze social situations from far away without participating in them. You might think 'melee is weak against magic' and they indeed are, but in all reality it's safer for magic users to wield their magic against other magical powers. That's why I direct my experiments on Akliash, and not on Earth. Sam is causing a lot of conflict in the world because he is causing those that disagree with him to pick up weapons of their own...."

"So he actually was better off when he was just on his computer, in internet forums all day" Isha said.

Expat turned around and contemplated deeply for a moment. "I suppose it is quite sad. But it's the only place he belongs. You three need to tell him that. Because what is coming next will make my Clear Dragon look...like a...not-threatening thing. Sorry, I'm not good with analogies this late at night."

Expat started walking in the other direction. "Come with me, children."

Expat took Gulanzon, Maria and Isha down the hallway and into another room. He pulled out a book on the shelf that looked like any other book, except it caused the bookshelf on the other wall to swivel around and revel a hidden chamber.

"Okay. You only see that trick in movies like a gazillion times" Gulanzon said.

Expat ignored that, and took the gang into a small room with nothing but gray bricks and a small yellow crystal on top of a pedestal. Expat hovered his old, expat-y hands on the crystal. "Reveale!" The crystal showed a view of Sam and his friends being attacked by people and cops.

"Neither the real world authorities or the regular ol joes like Sam. The ones that do, it's not enough. Is it?" Gulanzon said.

"Sam isn't that bad he's just.... Sam" Isha said with a sigh.

"You have to tell him to stop or they'll kill him" Expat said.

"He doesn't care. He knows that won't stop him" Isha said.

"Not the point. If Sam dies while frustrated, then we all know what that means. It would devastate poor Dolphin."

"They won't necessarily frustrate him...." Isha said.

"We cannot take any chances. Go, talk some sense into Sam!" Expat said. "This crystal can teleport you to where Sam and the others are, but it's only a one way ticket."

Isha sighed and put her hand on the crystal. Gulanzon and Maria followed.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 55: I Can't Think Of a Title, for This One

"Sam you have to retreat. You have to stop what you're doing" Isha said.

"You know I can't do that." Sam made a gesture at the scene before them, the humans coming after them on the left and the cop cars on the right. "This just means we're winning...getting closer....to something. To figuring out the truth, what'll take to save the human race" Sam said.

"As true as that may be, there's no way you can fight all these guys" Gulanzon said. "You have to play by the rules or ....well. I don't know. But this can't be good. This can't be 'the way'' Gulanzon said.

Sam looked around. "Isn't anybody on my side?"

Vero sort of half-smiled. "We're still on your side, honey, it's just well....this is a bit extreme, don't you think?"

"It wakes people up! Who cares....they're actually paying attention to physical reality instead of the fucking thoughts in their heads. Illuminati reptilian demons can mass mind control people. I know it, I felt what they can do with my intuition. I was warded off by it, cause how much meditating I do."

"We can only reach who we can, Sam" Vero said. "We can't.....save the whole world. Maybe we're not meant to."

"They'll take us to jail! I don't wanna go to jail!" Steve said. "My poor, beautiful straight man asshole!"

Sam sighed. He rolled his eyes and stopped firing Neon Bolts. "Okay, okay I surrender."

"Everybody is just in it for themselves, and the true heroes get locked up. This can't be right, come on" Sam pleaded.

"Yeah and the true heroes are also mixed in prison with real horrible sociopaths. Do you know what they'd do to a cute little introverted gay boy like you, Sammy. That's not what you want, come on" Dolphin said.

"I SURRENDED ALREADY DAMNIT" Sam said. "But look, they're STILL coming after us. God, they don't know of mercy. They're all stupid dirty straight boys who can't let go when you do."

"You still look so angry, how do they know your surrendering?" Steve asked.

Isha walked up to Sam. "It was because of those dirty straight boys that you even have the freedom to say that" she said. "They died for our very freedoms, you little writer fag!"

A random white trash woman, holding up a long broken stick shouted out "HE DOESN'T SUPPORT THE TROOPS. KILL THE ******!"

"I know that I'm right, damnit. If nobody is on my side here I'll just have to work-" Sam stopped himself and laughed. "No. I will not go 'rogue.' I will not turn into Dark Sam, I- I just. Ugh."

Vero put her hands on Sam's shoulder. "Let's just go..." And teleported them out of there, and back to Sigma's hut. So now the cops and the mobs fought each other all raged up and testosterone driven.

"So, we try to fight evil and we cause evil, just like always huh" Steve said with a groan.

"Don't be such a wuss, Steve" Dolphin said, surprisingly. "It's not like that. It's just a riot, and well.....they'll get over a riot." She looked over at Sigma. "Won't they?"

"By tomorrow they'll already be talking about Miley Cyrus' boobs again. Give or take a few days" Sigma said.

Sam shook his head. "I guess everything really would be easier if I just 'got a job'" he said with an eye roll. Knowing that those in power aren't part of the system either, they're just controlling everybody's minds.

"No. Don't. You don't get to play the martyr. We know your limitations here. You're too magical, and you see through the veil too much. It's okay. We'll protect you. I'm not sure anybody here minds supporting you. Just like, don't go evil or take advantage of the protection we're giving you" Dolphin said.

Isha put her hand up. "I do mind. Faggy weak gay mama's boys are like so NOT a turn on. And all that."

"I'm Canadian. We love faggy mama's boys. So...." Vero stood by Sam.

"As a straight guy, weakness in other men makes me feel great about my own strengths...." Steve walked up to Sam and stood by him.

"I believe in Sam" Eldanen said. "He doesn't morally judge me like so many other people I know."

Gulanzon really didn't know what to say yet, because he was a nerdy, impressionable Australian.

Isha sighed. "I tried to help, but I think I just need even more therapy after this. I tried to fight evil but it's just....you're better off just following all the rules they laid out for you, for your own good, you know. I'm sorry Sam, but I made my decision."

Gulanzon looked at her and frowned. "You serious babe?"

"Don't call me 'babe'" Isha snapped. You gained some courage points over the last few chapters, but you're not a real man yet" she said. "And I am dead serious."

Isha looked at Sigma. "I'm abandoning my powers. I want to become a Normal. You can do that, right?"

Sigma nodded. "Well yeah, but.... are you sure about that? I'm not sure there's a 'turning back' or whatnot."

Isha nodded. "Like I said, I see where this sort of lifestyle would have me end up, and I don't want to anything to do with that. I just want to talk about my feelings to doctors in therapy offices." She turned to Sam. "And before you start ******, I KNOW they don't 'really care about me.' I just need to do it for me. You wouldn't understand, nor do I claim you should. I just need to be left alone."

Isha walked over to the deeper part of Sigma's lab and studied some tubes. "Yes, I believe that one is to neutralize a half-demon's abilities" Sigma yelled out.

Sam ran over to Isha. "No, wait....Isha, you might regret it" Sam said. "You don't have to use your powers just because you have them, right?"

Isha thought for a moment. She started bawling her eyes out and ran out of Sigma's hut.

"Poor girl. She did die..." Steve said.

"Just....get over it....already...." Dolphin said underneath her breath. "Okay. So, now what?" Dolphin looked at Sam when he walked back to join the group.

"Well, I'm not being a martyr but, I think I did fuck up" Sam said.

"You don't have to get rid of all the systems, Sam" Vero said. "Just the shitty ones!"

"Yeah but that boy made me feel guilty about not going after the systems that I like, back when we were in the school."

"So you listen to somebody just because they tried to make you feel guilty? You paradoxically didn't follow your own way, the very thing you try and encourage others to do, and he led us right into a trap" Vero said.

"Yeah Sam, if anybody is making you feel guilty how can they be a good guy" Steve said. "It just makes you all...conflicted and self-loathing and going around in emo circles instead of blowing up the bad shit that needs to be blown up" he added. "True goodness forgives. And lets go."

"That boy we talked to then. He was a bad guy?" Sam said.

"So what. We go and rough him up a little?" Dolphin said.

"Surely there's bigger fish to fry than some highschool bully" Eldanen said. "We went up against an Ancient One, Sigma. An Ancient One!"

"Hmm, this cannot be good. This cannot be good at all." Sigma looked like he was having a heart attack. Sam and Dolphin comforted him.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked.

"Just the end of the fucking everything!!!" Sigma said.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 56: Heating Up The Ante

"Yes. You heard the faggy summoner right" Sam said. "Jennifer Granholm called herself an Ancient One. You know of them, since you're like our guru teacher guy now?"

"They will try everything they can to throw you guys off course, now...." Sigma said.

"We won't let them" Sam said. But his voice was more of youthful bravado then actual courage.

"Not like you have a choice. The Ancient Ones can mass mind control. It doesn't matter how strong you are, they will just make you conflicted that whatever you're doing means nothing until you're doing nothing at all anymore but being inside your room all emo, looking at gay porn all the day, completely a slave to an Idea."

"So it's hopeless then? We're fighting a losing, uphill battle here, we should just give up?" Sam said.

"I didn't say that. I just mean, you need a lot more power to go up against the Ancient Ones. More power than the world could ever give you."

"Then we'll do it. Where we do go?" Sam said.

"You have to understand. If you go on this journey you will cease to be....erm, ..... you won't be human anymore. You will lose your humanity. I don't mean that you will go evil, per se. You just won't be a human."

Sam looked inside himself and saw images of all the humans he met in his life.

"Just get a job ******."

"Nobody cares that you are gay."

"You need a job like everybody else."

"God you can't even catch a football, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Sorry Sam but I'm seeing somebody else....."

"God you actually got a B on that test? I got an A!

"You put a pretty bow on things."

"You need to stop being on the computer all day and writing stories. NOBODY CARES. NOBODY CARES. NOBODY CARES."

"You need to go to the mall and buy stuff you don't need. What makes YOU so different from everybody else?"

"Omg you actually like to do that? That's so pathetic! Why can't you just be NORMAL! NORMAL. NOBODY CARES. JOB. ******. NORMAL. NOBODY CARES. NOBODY CARES. NOBODY CARES NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL ****** NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL"


Sam finally opened his eyes. Without hesitation he said "I'll do it."

"Sam, are you playing the victim in your own head again?" Dolphin said. Sam just sort of blushed at that.

"You can't all go through the transformation though. You all must be Sam's human supporters, with enough human relationships it makes even our innate essences meaningless. Even Pure Demons can become good, if they are given that which is known as Human Love" Sigma said. "Otherwise, Sam will be lost forever....lost in the moral sense. He'll just be another selfish, evil Idea."

Sam frowned. "They can still come with me, right? We just won't all go through the change."

"That might be too tempting to pass up" Sigma said. "Not sure if it's worth it."

"We don't need your permission. They're coming with me, and that's final" Sam said.

Sigma said 'ooh' sarcastically like being all surprised when the shy fag actually stands up for himself. "Well very well then."

Dolphin went into her room. Not her room-room, but a lil room in Sigma's place that Sigma and others had set up for her. It wasn't an actual room, so much that it was a holograph of a room, like the holodeck on Star Trek.

She draw a pentagram on the floor with some chalk and kneeled on the floor. She meditated for a little while. "I'd like to know why Sam's ego plays the victim, Spirit. I wish I could show him that not everybody is out to get him and that while the world can be cruel and dark and cold there can be this inner light that resonates within him, even if he has to do something straight man-like and annoying. I just really want to help" she said, like a happy innocent little girl, the part in herself that she knew Sam would protect and save and cherish forever.

"WHY DOES YOUR EGO PLAY THE JEALOUSY?" A spirit asked. "EGO NEEDS NO REASON OR JUSTIFICATION. IT JUST IS AND YOU CAN'T GET RID OF IT, IT IS THE PART OF YOU YOU CAN NEVER TOTALLY FIGHT. NOT WITH SPELLS, NOT WITH IDEAS. NOTHING. THERE IS NO UNDERSTANDING OF THAT WHICH CREATED UNDERSTANDING, THE FORM OF UNDERSTANDING WE WANT YOU TO KNOW WHEN WE DO."

"There are beings greater than even the Ideas?" Dolphin said. "The Ego is one of these beings, correct?"

"WE ARE HIGHER THAN THE IDEAS YES, AND THE ILLUMANATI REPTILIAIN DEMONS. WE ARE SO FUCKING EVIL AND SICK AND WRONG YOU CAN'T CONCEIVE OF US, AS WE WILL JUST MORPH AND AGREE WITH YOU WHEN YOU SAY HOW BAD WE ARE, AND WE BECOME ONE WITH THE WORLD THINKING THAT IT'S YOUR OWN MEDITATION DOING IT, BUT REALLY WE'RE DISGUSING OURSELVES AS THE TRUTH SO WE CAN GO AND TORTURE SOME INNOCENT SHY ****** THAT NOBODY LIKES. ALL WHILE YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT 'ALL FIGURED OUT.' HE JUST NEEDS A HERO. BUT NOBODY WILL GET THERE IN TIME TO SAVE HIM, NOT EVEN-

Dolphin smashed the summoning crystal she used to talk to this being. "I had enough of that" she said. She sighed and went back to Sam and the others.

"I tried to call upon other worldly forces to help you with your inner most evil, Sam- but um. It didn't work."

Sam blinked. "Huh?"

"Nevermind." Dolphin sighed. "So what planet is our new powers on?"

"Please don't say uranus, please don't say uranus" Steve said.

"PLEASE LET IT BE URANUS!" Eldanen said.

"Jupiter" Sigma said. "It's....Jupiter."

Vero rolled her eyes. "Of course. It's always Jupiter. Well come on, I'm teleporting y'all to Jupiter."

"Before you go...." Sam gasped as he saw Angela standing there in front of everybody, in her bitchy government suit. With her black guards.

"You know of this place? A beautiful place like Akliash is known by.....a person like you" Sam said.

"I am not as bad as you think, Sam" Angela said. "I am here to make a deal with you. We'll let you have a house and a little life for yourself and your comic book comrades, if you keep a low profile and stop making so many goddamn waves. I mean, the world just looks at you as like this shy weak ******, true it's your own ego that we work with to use against you, and we do that for everybody."

"So no more cameras, no watching me?" Sam said.

"Well we watch everybody to some extent but nope, no extra annoyances. As long as you use magic on our terms and just pretend that you're a normal person. You can use your magic to masturbate well or whatever, but stop trying to use it in society! You don't even have to get a job! We'll pay everything for you, anything to get you to stop you whining about things that nobody cares about. Maybe they should, but they just don't, so just give it a fucking rest already and go and get a driver's license! GOD."

Sam shook his head. "No. It's not worth it. I'm tired of dealing with you people. If I give in it's like, you guys won and I can't have that. Money offers security but that's all it offers."

"You're really giving up a comfortable, middle class life so you can go deeper into dark depressing psychological realms. They'll eat you alive you little ******...." Angela turned into a red flame and flickered out with all her ****** guards.

"They'll eat you alive..."

"I never liked that bitch" Dolphin said.

Sam looked around at the others. "Did I make the right decision? I know we all sort of wanted a normal life."

"It doesn't matter. You made *A* decision so stick with it, each choice has natural consequences or whatever" Dolphin said. "And you're right, that was just a trap to keep us frozen into nothingness while the bad guys run amuck."

Meanwhile, in Transylvania....

A masculine figure in a black mask slowly walked up to Expat, who had his nose in a book but he was only pretending to read.

"Did they take the bait?" the masked man said.

Expat nodded. "They did. Now, go away. I don't like working with you!"

"Excellent." The masked man morphed out of the place in a puff of black smoke.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 57: Die Die Diana

Author's note: This is nothing against Diana personally. I like Diana and have nothing against her, just like I was never against Akra. No chapters are against anybody. There's no rape in this one, but a lot of violence.

"Well that's enough of arguing with people over the internet and acting morally superior than them. Even when I actually am" Diana said. She shut down her computer and decided it was time for some fresh air.

She went outside and took a deep breath. "I can't believe Sam doesn't realize that I'm powerful. I love to hunt! He cries too much is actually scared of guns, what a ******."

She clocked the gun and looked out into her wilderness. She lived in a woodsy area, secluded, and far away from people. She was an introverted woman with powers that other people didn't understand. She was a regular half-demon adventurer like the others, though more of the noble loner. "I guess in a way, I do understand Sam's world and his social struggles. I just don't want to be a part of it and his little posse."

"Maybe you should....."

Diana turned around and gasped. She saw a 6-foot masked man, wearing all black standing before her. "Who are you?"

"I am your end."

Diana laughed. "No, really. Who are you?"

He picked up Diana by the neck and squeezed her throat. "I said I am your end. When you look into my eyes you will merge yourself into my greater masculine being. I have no name and form but your own demise. Well, actually...."

Diana waved her hands and sent the being running away against its own will.

"Damn fear spells....I didn't think that would work on me" the creature said. "I need more power...."

Diana ran away in the other direction, deeper into the woods.

"God fucking damnit why is this happening?" she said. "I don't even use my powers often! The last time I was a hero was when I fought Abraham. I'm so careful and controlled and realistic and pragmatic and kick ass, that I couldn't possibly have conjured that on my own!" she said.

"I could tell you" the figure said, reappearing before Diana and causing her to fall down on a bed of leaves by knocking into him. "But then again, I'd have to kill you. Well, you're going to die anyway...."

Diana felt this thing, it was huge. Something that organically commanded that people paid attention to it. "You're an Idea...." Diana said. Being alone, in a forest. With an Idea. Not good.

"Perhaps if you trusted people more and weren't such a selfish, introverted bitch then you wouldn't be in this predicament, would you?" the Idea morphed itself into an image of Diana herself. "Waaah I'm Diana nobody understands me, nobody can GET me." He punched her in the stomach, changing back to his black-masked masculine form when he did so. "You are innately inferior. I don't hate you, though. Hate is a mere emotion. My superiority is an advanced form of intellectualization you could never grasp."

"So you go after those you think are weak. Classy." Diana looked at the being with strong, determined eyes. "I may be a loner but...." She backhanded the Idea against a tree. "I'm not fucking weak."

"Even if you had protection, it matters not. I just like to taunt."

"I'm getting that..." She cartwheel kicked the Idea twice in the face.

"A priest that is good in melee combat. Impressive" it said. Diana tried to punch him but he blocked her hand and broke her wrist. "Want to know what else is impressive?"

The Idea grabbed Diana's bottom lip, pried open her mouth, pulled at the tip of her tongue and ripped her tongue out from her body. He then showed the bloody object to her. "Getting to see your own tongue."

Diana tried to hold back from showing the pain on her face. She wouldn't give this being the satisfaction of seeing her suffer.

"Aw it's okay sweetie, let it out. Shh baby, just let it out." He pulled Diana close into his chest and feigned affection by cuddling her body. "Is this what daddy didn't do enough, is this why you go out and do all these things in society to make yourself feel special?" it spoke in a hoarse, masculine whisper. It kissed Diana on the forehead. "Just tell me."

She punched him as hard as she could but he didn't so much as flinch.

"Ooh you're making daddy hard" it said. "You're making daddy fucking hard. The Idea took two of Diana's arms and twisted it. "Do you know every man on earth is jacking off to this right now, they just won't admit it. But I am nature, I am greater than nature. I am just everything that created everything. I am....god. I am so great there's not even a word for me, you know. You're always, you're always lower than me."

Diana tried to speak but of course she couldn't with no tongue, so she just squirted out strings of blood on the Idea's face. He laughed at that.

"But no fucking you. No giving you pleasure. Sick fucking disgusting little thing" The Idea spit on Diana and pushed her to the ground.

"Reality is what a man makes it, I can do whatever the fuck I want. And nobody can stop me" the Idea kicked Diana in the chest multiple times. It then took out a black knife from its belt.

"You'll never know what it feels like to be the penetrator, the director. The person on top of the world. That which is higher than all life, the creator of life to begin with. Women and fags, they'll just never fucking know." It gave its knife a little twist in Diana's chest.

Diana tried healing herself over and over again with her priest magic but he just laughed and dug the knife deeper into her, his power clearly overshadowing anything Diana could do. The Idea stood back up and shoved its black boot up against Diana's nose and made a little smudge. "You think I'm the bad guy here, you think I did this to you, as if you understand what 'I" really is. You think you made me do this, but you can never know can you. You can't capture the beauty I do, you're worthless."

"Ooh its a light show." The Idea took one of Diana's healing spells into its mouth. It then gave out a loud manly burp.

"See, daddy is the one that created you. So daddy is the one that tells you when it's bye bye." He grabbed Diana by the back of her head and threw a bunch a bunch of leaves in her hair. With one last oomph he broke open Diana's skull like a coconut.

"That felt so fucking good" it said.

A few seconds later, Diana reappeared in her bed. She physiologically shook a little from the horrible memory of being murdered. "I was....." She got up and looked in her bathroom mirror. It was not just a dream.

"I'm not a priestess anymore. I'm a ......hunter?" Diana blinked. "Oh well. I can take care of myself, nothing has changed." She went into the bathroom and vomited.

"I can't take care of myself...I need help....I need...." She didn't know what to do. "What fucking Idea was that?" she said.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 58: A Devil's Deal

Nick just got done killing some white trash man in a trailer park. He went in the man's bathroom and looked at his face in the mirror. "It's funny. I look like him but I'm not really him. Or I am him, a masculine version of him?" he thought out loud.

He washed the blood out of his hands and sighed. He looked up to see the same masked man that met with Expat and killed Diana.

"Hello, Nicholas."

Nick turned around. "Who are you?"

"I can show you what evil really is, if you let me. What you're doing here, this is just kindergarten stuff."

"What are you talking about, I totally owned that guy!" Nick said. "I fucking eviscerated him."

The Idea patted Nick on his head. "Sure sweetie, of course. You're sooo tough" it said sarcastically.

"You see I already know your thoughts better than you do. You think if you kill everybody that woman knows, she'll be gone forever. Such pure emptiness excites you. Because we find meaning in emptiness. You will find out who you really are the more you don't have."

Nick nodded. This thing was smart. "Killing makes me feel so alive. Society doesn't understand."

A flashback went to the sociopathic masculine abuse of what Nick had to put up with when he was in the army.

"They are so soft, so weak. These pansies on 16types message boards don't know what I had to go through to protect them, to give them the mere ability to talk about things online that nobody cares about" Nick said. "They understand and appreciate nothing. I thought Gilly was on my side, but he's just like them."

"You were the real hero. And you never got credit."

"I never wanted credit" Nick said. "Just real understanding. And a friend that wasn't fake."

"Human. So human. Boyhood masculinity needing a father. Am I to provide? I find your needs emasculating and vulgar."

"You don't understand humanity, even the kind I posses. It's okay. I get it" Nick said.

"Anyways, back on point here" the Idea said. "It is true, if every being that woman knows dies, then she'd die too. But just think about it, you know the woman as well, so you'd have to die too."

"Yeah, so what?" Nick said. "I wouldn't mind. The rush I'd feel from ending my own existence would be well worth it. It would bring me to Nirvana. You really think I'm weak enough not to end my own life. Ha!"

"But it gets more complicated than you know, padawan, because now you're not just dealing with who knows of her, now you're dealing with who knows of you. It just becomes a ripple effect that everybody else becomes involved with. In short, to permanently terminate one person so much that not even their Idea can bring them back, you have to kill every single person in the world! Are you up for such a task, can you do it?"

Nick shrugged. "I'm not sure I want to go that far, man. And don't think I'm a pussy or anything either! I just....don't want to."

"Of course you don't. Because you came through them, and you're a part of those people as well, though you think you're not to be cool and tough. It's funny, I thought you of all people would understand my vision. Your little tricks lead to nowhere in the end! They are just some juvenile game you're playing. You are not a man."

"You want to end all existance?" Nick said.

"Not *all* existance, that would end me too. Stupid! Just humanity..." The masked man smiled. "And the Chosen Ones especially."

"I can't.... " Nick shook its head. "I can't do that. And not because I care about some false ideological construct like 'being good' but because nah man, hardly any human gets off on that kind of darkness!"

"Very well..." The Idea shrugged and punched Nick so hard his upper body went flying off his spine and crashed through the mirror.

"I'll ask somebody else."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 59: Coming Closer To You

Dark Sam, Zombie Akra, Zombie Miley, Dark Dolphin and Dark Ashton were walking through a busy street in Orlando, Florida. They had just got back from a gay bar and they got done feeding on some helpless drag queens. They ran into the masked man.

"Hello."

Dark Sam raised a brow. "You have nice muscles. Did anybody ever tell you that you have nice muscles?"

"Do you want to end all life?" The Idea said.

Dark Sam blinked. "No, we just want to eat some human brains" Dark Sam shrugged. "I like to play around in those ideas myself sometimes but you know, it seems rather extreme."

"I can give you a grand feast. It will just be the iceberg point of destruction from my perspective, but...." the Idea said.

The Idea rolled its eyes. "Who am I kidding. You do not have a choice. You're pure evil and I am a stronger evil so I naturally have control over you. You're on my side now. The world is ours for the taking."

Dark Sam suddenly stopped what he was doing and went up to the Idea and hugged him. "Yes master, anything you say master."

The Idea lifted up Dark Sam's chin. It acted like it was going to kiss Sam but pulled away. It then started cracking up. "Homosexuality is so gross, you know that right?"

"You wanted to make an army, I'll give you the biggest army ever. But first, we need even more people."

The Idea teleported Dark Sam and the others to a hospital room. "That which they call Mune is in this facility. You will raise him."

"Yes Master." Dark Sam twirled his staff and created Zombie Mune. Zombie Mune looked around. "Where is Vero? I want to crush in her skull for ever showing me real love."

The Idea then teleported them to the Eckhart Tolle facility with the fried up bodies.

"These people too, every last one of them that Sam killed. There's no bodies here but there are still.... psychic remnants. You can still raise them using that" The Idea said.

"I'm not sure I have enough power to..."

The Idea whacked Dark Sam on the back of his head. "Do it."

Sam twirled his staff and raised all the people, one by one. "Faster ******" the Idea said. "Faster."

Dark Sam began feeling wheezy and wobbly. "It's too much. I ...." finally, he raised all one hundred people in the auditorium that Sam had killed.

They did the same thing to all the people in the Esther Hicks' auditorium.

Then, the Idea went back to the room that Pink was shot in after the Elite found out she was helping Sam and the others for real. Dark Sam raised Pink, creating Zombie Pink. She looked around. "How can I serve you master?" she said.

The Idea then sent them back to Hitta's house with a dead Hitta on the floor. His body still lie there because the authorities in small white trash towns were very lazy. Dark Sam rose Hitta, creating Zombie Hitta. "THROAT FUCK SKULLS AND THEN EAT THEIR BRAINS!" he said. "YEE-HAW!"

The Idea and its army of 300+ people teleported in the main street in Orlando, Florida in dusty black smoke. Random folks started screaming and running away.

"Hello darkness!" The Idea said, thrilled and juiced up with raw masculinity. The Idea then turned around at the huge crowd of zombies that Dark Sam created.

"One thing you must realize is that the Ideas work for nobody. You are my food." The Idea then ripped open its chest and created a black vortex, and sucked up every single last Zombie. All 300 of them, one right after the other, making the Idea get stronger and stronger and stronger. His perspective and strength grew where it was like each person he looked at was like from the same perspective you have when you look down at somebody at the top of a 100-story building.

Dark Dolphin, Dark Sam and Dark Ashton grabbed each other's hands (of course Dark Dolphin was in the middle because while Dark Ashton had no problem with gays; he wasn't gonna hold one's hands like that, dude) and ran away before they were Idea-food. They were actually scared.

"That thing....he's going to destroy the world" Dark Ashton said.

"No. He isn't. I can communicate with the other me" Dark Dolphin said. "They can stop him." She took the other Darks behind a wall where it was safe and began meditating.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 60: The Idea of.....

"Something is calling us to back to earth" Dolphin said while the heroes swam through Jupiter's gassy clouds. "Another Idea is wrecking havoc on earth, just like Abraham was" she said. "We have to go stop it."

"Or it could be another trap" Sam said. "I say we move forward."

"Yeah and besides, these new space suits Sigma gave us are just too cool" Steve said. He spun around and giggled like you do when you give a straight guy a hackey sack.

"No Sam, we need to go...." She rested her hands on Sam's shoulders and Vero teleported them to....

The street in Florida.....

"Uh....you sure we shouldn't have gotten our power upgrade first?" Sam asked, looking over at the tall strong 6-foot being 40 yards away from them. The Idea was wearing a bad-ass leather jacket and black boots and had on a gray muscle t-shirt.

"There's no time!" Dolphin said. "We have to stop him." Dolphin raised her hands and shot out a water spell in her right hand and a fire spell in her left. But the being disappeared in a flash and ended up right in front of Dolphin.

"You can teleport?" Dolphin asked, her lips trembling.

"No. I'm just that fast. Physically. Naturally. Magic is for fags." He then punched Dolphin's head off.

"Dolphin. NO. Dolphin!" Sam said as he watched the horror of his best friend being decapitated.

"I'm okay!" Dolphin called out from top of a building.

Vero shot out a Stun Shock spell that paralyzed the Idea for a few seconds. "I created a clone of Dolphin while at the same time replacing her real body somewhere safe" Vero said. "It's my new power. I learned it awhile back."

"Nice" Sam said. "Keep it up, we can't lose!"

"He can one shot all of us, all of us except maybe Steve" Eldanen said.

"And we have no healers" Vero reminded Sam.

"I will water jet people from up here!" Dolphin said.

The Idea shrugged off Vero's paralysis and leapt up on top of the building to join Dolphin. "No. You won't" it said.

Dolphin screamed and jumped down from the building, knowing it was the only way to save her life. Steve and Sam caught her before she fell on the pavement and died instantly (mostly Steve because of his melee powers).

The Idea rushed back down to kill everybody in one downward punch.

"THINK OF FUCKING SOMETHING!" Dolphin screamed.

Sam and Vero combined their powers, and together they manifested a force field. The Idea knocked itself into the glowy magical outline and threw itself backwards into the glass wall of an ophthalmologist's shop.

Sam looked at Eldanen. He looked so scared and faggy, just standing there. "Eldanen! We need you to summon an Idea for this fight. I know you can do it" he said.

"I uh I uh...."

"DO IT" Dolphin said. "You have to!"

Eldanen waved his hands and conjured the Idea of Hulk Hogan.

"That's the best you could do?" Vero asked, raising a brow.

"I-I'm sorry. I don't know what - I'm not used to this okay! I know I'm strong I just can't focus..... my kind of magic takes a long time to get good at."

The Idea roundhouse kicked the Idea that Eldanen summoned, destroying it instantly.

"Shit. An Idea that can one-shot Ideas" Steve said. His eyes looked so afraid and lost, like when you leave a 5-year-old boy in the supermarket at 3 AM and he doesn't know how to get back home. "Sam, I don't think we're strong enough to fight this thing."

"Steve....I believe in you" Sam said. "I know you can actually make a difference, and not just be a victim to self-help charlatans who want to suck your power from you. I know you can be more than a middle-class mama's boy. I know that you can be a real man."

Sam grabbed Vero and Dolphin's hands and together they channeled all of their magical power into Steve. "With our help, of course."

Steve ran up to the Idea and tried to punch it, but he dodged. The Idea then pinched Steve's adam apple. Steve yelped out in pain, but he used that pain to bicycle kick him in the chest. He then followed through with an uppercut, but the Idea blocked and knocked him down to the ground. Steve was so weak he couldn't even get back up. The Idea kicked him in the stomach anyway. Steve struggled to stay conscious. A few more hits, he'd be done for. Using all the strength he had, Steve recover flipped up and high kicked the Idea, but it didn't phase him much.

Steve grabbed a lose electrical wire and pressed it against the Idea's chest, but the Idea seemed to actually like the pain. Steve tried to sweep the Idea off his feet, but of course that didn't work either. Steve punched the Idea but he just stood there.

"It's not working...." Dolphin said.

"Steve, retreat!" Sam called out. He sucked away the power boost that he gave Steve, and the magic went back into Sam, Dolphin and Vero.

"Sam no, too soon!" Dolphin yelled.

The Idea ran up from behind Steve and punched his fist through his back, with so much power that you could see his hand appear out from the other side. With no more magic boost, Steve died instantly. The Idea took out Steve's heart and held it up over his face and squeezed blood all over his face, all while making asshole frat boy-ish "Ahhhhh" sounds when he did so.

"No. Steve. Steve. The Idea of you, come back to us. Please. STEVE!" Sam called out. "You can come back as a bard class, just COME BACK!"

"Maybe I can summon him back here" Eldanen said. He tried, but he summoned the Idea of rosie o-donnel instead." The Idea roundhouse kicked one-shot that Idea as well.

"HOLY SHIT IT'S A CLEAR DRAGON!" Dolphin said suddenly. She pointed up at the black sky. They were in for it now.

"I guess, we wanted to see where this took us and. I guess, the only thing left to say is I love you, Sam. I'm sorry we didn't make it. Perhaps in another time, another world...."

"Dolphin!" Sam said. "Look again."

"The Dragon! It's on our side. It's attacking the Idea! Not us! We're saved!" Sam said.

Ten minutes ago:

Expat walked into Sigma's hut.

"Expat? What are you doing here?" Sigma asked.

"They are in grave danger" Expat said. "They are losing The War."

"Yeah. I know. But I don't want to risk myself to save them. Some protector I am, eh? The earth will be destroyed...." Sigma said. "Maybe he'll leave Akliash alone...."

"I got associated with the Idea. I knew I shouldn't have. It gave me protection in exchange for doing evil deeds" Expat said.

"You have to let me help" Expat said. "You have something in here that lets me summon the best monster that I've got." He walked over to a small room in Sigma's place, took out a brown flute from a drawer and begun playing it. A Clear Dragon roared in the sky and flew down towards earth.

Back to the present:

Vero and Dolphin and Sam cast magic spells on the Idea while the Clear Dragon clawed at him.

But The Idea grabbed the dragon's mouth and turned it inside out. So you could see all his yucky veiny clear dragon-y insides. It rolled up its body into a huge ball, and then power-punched it, killing it instantly. The Clear Dragon exploded in a bunch of stars like how it sometimes does when you kill powerful bosses in video games.

Sam, Dolphin, Vero and Eldanen just stood there with their jaws dropped.

"We have to retreat" Vero said. She teleported them out of there and back into Sigma's. While teleporting out, the Idea just belched at them, causing so much pain while they teleported that it was like they just got beat up in a regular fight. Just from one bitty burp.

Sigma saw the heroes all bloody and bruised and blistered and sore and wet and tired and down and depressed and lost and confused and miserable.

"What Idea was I fighting there?" Sam said. He spat out blood on Sigma's carpet but he didn't give a shit.

"The Idea of Homophobia. What else? The anti-thesis of everything that you are, and everything that you stand for" Sigma said.

Sam looked around at the others, cried and sighed and went to sleep in Dolphin's lap.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 61: It's Not Wanting What You Have... (Part 1 of 2)

Sam, Dolphin, Vero, Eldanen and Sigma were having a very important meeting in his lab. They were all sitting around a large table. They had all showered and cleaned up from last night's carnage.

"Why is he destroying cities like a stereotypical godzilla monster?" Dolphin asked Sigma. "He's the Idea of Homophobia. Why not just kill all gays?"

"That's the thing. He needs to kill off everybody in the human race so gays don't exist. We're all connected, gay or not, and if you kill off humanity then homosexuality will cease to exist" Sigma said.

"But homosexuality just doesn't exist in humans" Vero said. She then gave that line about 450 animal species that practice homosexuality, like a stereotypical straight supporter person.

"I'm certain he won't stop there. Homosexuality is so naturally intertwined in nature that all of reality is doomed" Sigma said. "Everything except for its own existance, which of course is what Ideas want. Purity. Perfection."

"Save the gays, and you save the world?" Eldanen said.

"But um, how is my idea any better" Sam asked. "The idea of saving all gay people just means that, the only thing left is my pure idea of gay empowerment. That's just as vacuumy and selfish and evil, right?" Sam said.

Sigma blinked. "Uh well. I guess, you could look at it that way. But Sam! Dear Sam boy! Um Sam, this is the Idea of Homophobia. *THE* pure Idea of homophobia. I thought you'd be thrilled with this, you are sort of a natural at it" Sigma said.

"No. I'm not. It's who I want to be, but it's not who I really am. Not exactly. You do realize that I can't stand most gay men. I just make fun of them over the internet. And straight guys turn me on more. Every problem I hate in gay men, I myself have. I'd be a big hypocrite if I went up against that thing. And besides it can um....kick my ass?"

"Perhaps, if that is all is true, it just makes this fight even more worth it?" Vero said.

Sam put his head down. "I'm ashamed to admit this but I was actually turned on by him. A part of me wants him to succeed with his plan and I just can't ignore that" Sam said.

"He's so masculine and tough and virile, everything we perceive gay men aren't. The Idea is just so fucking strong...." Vero said.

A lightbulb appeared over the summoner's head. "Is that why it can walk on earth, unlike the other Ideas? Because we let it?" Eldanen's head.

Sigma nodded. "All of humanity combined still believes in the very essence of what this thing actually is" Sigma said. "Homophobia, rooted deep in all of us. It's the reason why Prop 8 passed and why homosexuality is still looked down upon so much."

"Nobody summoned the Idea, like they did Abraham. The Idea manifested because of everybody putting power into it. We're like at a war with evil and humanity at the same time, so that's why nobody in the real world is gonna help us much with this thing" Dolphin said. "Scary....it even has power over the Ancient Ones!" she realized.

"There's no time to change the world's mind. We just need enough power to blow it up. Thoughts?" Sam asked the gang.

"It's deeply embedded into our psychology. I'm afraid it would use any power we have against us. Everybody is afraid of it, and secretly believes in it like you said" Sigma said. "Sort of like when people say 'Men just like women and THAT'S that' all pure and strong and direct like you just can't argue against it. So you don't."

"How the hell do you fight something so intertwined in our consciousness?" Dolphin said.

"I don't understand" Eldanen said. "The gays have come a long way, haven't they? I mean it's not illegal to be gay i-in some countries at least, and there are gays on TV. More and more people really aren't as homophobic as they were before. Right?" Eldanen said.

"It doesn't matter. We're still second class citizens. We're still thought of as less than and weaker, psychologically speaking. Like we keep saying, that certainly is enough that the Idea can walk on earth freely without even being summoned by a summoner. Because we're all summoning it" Sam said.

"And any time you try to make the fags believe in themselves, they redirect the energy into what straight people think of them" Sam continued "Or they allow themselves to be distracted into consuming things and being part of a fake society, like what they've done with most women" he said.

"How can you blame us?" Eldanen said. "It's only true, straight people are the reason we exist. Duh!" Eldanen said.

"Yes, but Elda. We're not the reason you live. Well we are, but not the reason you're live-ing" Vero said. "That has to be up to you."

Sam shook his head "We're doing what it wants us to do. Second-guessing ourselves like useless hippies while it goes out and destroys. We have to just try fighting it again. This time with a lot more people. It took a shitload of adventurers to kill off Abraham, and it's gonna take the same thing to stop the Idea of Homophobia."

Eldanen stood up. Feeling confident, and like this was worth it, he used his powers and called forth the Idea of everybody by tapping into the greater, general part of them. Vero chimed in and sort of 'reversed teleported' their physical presence with her canadian, women-power ideals. Sam used his heart to gather everybody as well, along with Dolphin. Together, they all worked together, and the 16types people appeared in Sigma's place.

Glam, Pluie, Ashton, Allie, heath, Maria, Gulanzon, Isha, J Riddy, Vuze, Diana, Mysticsonic, Tereg, Redbaron, Bionicgoat, Numbers, Joy, discojoe, Gilly, Juju, Arctures and Sean all appeared.

"We have another Idea to kill" Sam said to the group. "So. Let's kill it." Vero teleported all the people back to the Idea of homophobia. They all watched him lift up this homeless elderly woman and snapped her entire body over his knee.

Gilly walked up to Sam. "Uh, Sam! I'm glad we're here. I was looking for you. It's about Nick...."

"Uh, now is not the time. And you know it. It will have to wait..." Sam said.

The entire city of Orlando was almost completely destroyed. Nobody gave a shit, because on the internet there was this really *hot* video of a black girl being throat fucked so hard she actually loses an eyeball. For real. And it was consensual so nobody could do anything about it, and everybody secretly got off on it and the few people who did try and show some concern were just looked down upon.

J Riddy got out his bow and shot multiple arrows at the Idea's face. The Idea batted away most of them, but quite a few pierced at its face.

Dolphin and Vero combined their energy together to create a ray that was powerful enough to actually damage the beast. A little. In fact, all long-range pure casters did the same thing. The combined power of everybody's magic turned the beam into this sort of dark yellow, pissy color.

"Before we came here, Sigma gave us a few cool toys to use" Sam said. He stopped pooling into the large laser beam, and ran up to the Idea. Sam swung in an upwards motion at the Idea's face. "Like this rainbow scythe. An ancient weapon forged by the first three gay men that walked upon the earth. It's power shall end you."

The Idea dodged it, grabbed the scythe from Sam and broke it over its knee. "Gay. Stop copying off of Buffy" it said. It then punched Sam so hard he went flying backwards a whole bunch of feet. With the combined strength of Sam's friends around him, it didn't kill him but still -- OUCH. It fucking hurt. Like when all the straight boys in gym class pick on the weak fag and throw all the rubber dodge balls on him. Times a million. Bionicgoat healed Sam up to full again.

"It just killed off the holiest, most ancient gay weapon we have" Sam said. "Just like that. I don't believe it. I CAN'T believe it" Sam wanted to cry, but knew that he couldn't.

"Best to leave me in melee range" Sean said. It looked into the Idea's eyes. "I'm so gonna kick your ass. I am masculine and strong and I am an estp! What do you have to say to THAT" Sean kicked the Idea in his balls, uppercutted his face, spat on his face, jumped up on his back and started gouging at his eyeballs.

Sam, Justin, Eldanen and Arctures swooned and sighed at that like teenage girls in love.

"But you don't really believe that other gay men can be the same way.... you're too selfish" The Idea said. It then grabbed Sean's hands and threw him back towards Sam so all the poor 16types gays and bis toppled into one another and fell down like bowling pins.

"You broke other gay men's hearts and you don't care. As long as you get what you want."

"I don't need Sean to be with me." But I still kinda want to... Sam thought. "He's my friend" Sam said. He shot out a Neon Bolt spell at the Idea. The Idea just opened his mouth wide and homoerotically deep throated the entire spell down his throat. He swallowed it down like a manly cop. He started laughing at Sam. "You're pathetic."

But a few seconds later, he got whacked hard in the face by the combined magical bolt of all the casters.

"Are we weakening him in anyway?" Sam called out to his troops.

"Not really. He's -- He's toying with us....this is. This is not working" Pluie said.

"Argh. I just wanna go home and ride my bicycle" Heath said.

"Yeah. It's like we're hurting him but he just doesn't care?" Maria said. "It's just not enough. What can be more than enough than this, I don't know. But it's not working."

Gulanzon transformed into a Garuda. He tried to pick the Idea up and then make him fall down again, but he couldn't even lift him off the ground.

The Idea of Homophobia punched down on the street and caused an earthquake, sending all adventurers down to the ground. An adventurer slipped and hung at the edges. Isha looked off in the distance to see who it was.

"Tereg!" Isha called out. She tried to help him back up, but it was too late. He fell down into the earth. The Idea had super-sped towards him and kicked him down before she could help him. He was about to one-shot kill Isha, but Sean taunted him and he went back to wailing on him.

"He'll be back. He only wins if all of us, if *everybody in the world* dies" Sam said. "Don't cry. No more tears. Just stay strong. WE FIGHT!"

Mysticsonic was normally a cool and laid-back guy, but he began to worry. "There's not many healers here. We won't have enough healers to keep Sean up" he called out.

"My pet can tank" J Riddy said. "Wait a minute. This isn't Wow. This is original and unique. Hunters don't have pets."

"And even if you did have pets, they wouldn't be powerful enough to tank him. Not this boss." Sam said. "Sean is our man."

Vero had enough. "I hate seeing somebody pick on homosexuals and women. How dare they!" She ran up in melee range.

"Vero? What are you doing! You're a caster...." Dolphin said.

"I can charge my electricity inward, creating a melee double type" Vero said. With superhuman womyn canadian/fag strength, Vero picked up the Idea by the throat and swung it around 360 degrees and smashed it hard against the pavement. She then drove her knees on the Idea's skin, so it peeled the skin off its face a bit.

"Go vero go!" Sam cheered.

The Idea of Homophobia stood back up and grabbed both of Vero's arms. It yanked both her arms out of the sockets. It started to use them to beat on Vero's body. "Why are you hitting yourself huh, why are you hitting itself?" it said like the sociopathic straight schoolyard bully you knew in 4th grade that even the teachers were too scared to stand up to, as they spent all their time trying to talk to the fags instead, instead of standing up to true evil. This is why, this is exactly why this exists and why it's so strong.

"WHAT THE FUCK, HEAL HER!" Sam screamed.

The Idea suddenly transformed into a quiet anorexic monk that looked skeletal and creepy. "Healing is....for fags."

The Idea of Homophobia then leaped in the air, and conjured a dark magical sword the moment it suspended itself in the air. It crashed back down and when it did, dark magical rays shout out from the ground and came up into the hearts of all healers. Making them all have heart attacks, and die. Anybody that could heal. Was dead.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 62: The Idea of No Healers

"Oh....my" Dolphin said. "Overpowered much?"

"We have to....retreat. Again." Vero teleported them all back to Sigma's place.

"There's lots of bleeding" Dolphin said about Vero.

"Well duh Dolphin! She lost her fucking arms!" Eldanen said.

Sam walked up to Eldanen and slapped him. "Don't be rude."

"I used to be a paramedic. I think I can save her" a random 16types person said. He went through Sigma's junk to find some first aid shit.

"Just....kill me. I'm useless like this. I'll come back stronger, if you just ..... kill me" Vero said.

"We can't know that for certain. Why isn't Steve or Mune back yet?" Sam said. "What is going on here?" Sam said.

Dolphin talked while her arms were folded like the strong woman she was. "This goes back farther than him just killing off the healers this time. A flashback played before in her mind, when they all got blown up in Sam's house.

"It started back before, when we all came back to life as pure damage dealers. Killing all healers must also be what the Idea of Homophobia wants, in order to execute its grand plan" she said.

Larry Kramer suddenly teleported to the heroes, wearing his cartoony NOBODY CARES IF A ****** DIES white sweater with purple font. "Well, yes and no...." he said.

"Larry!" Sam said.

"The Good Ideas needed pure power classes to stop the Idea of Homophobia. Therefore, we altered all of reality so that every healing class was eradicated for the sake of more damage classes. We still need tanks.....but only one. One special chosen tank. That would you be, Sean. You are the chosen protector of all gays. Do not let us down."

Sean smiled. "Hey it's just my job...."

"But with no healers, how can there even be a tank?" Sam said.

"It is unfortunate, but we have to paradoxically give it what it wants in order to stop it" Larry said. "No healing magic to counter its destruction. But we won't have enough raw power to beat the Idea otherwise, and even then ....it may not be enough" Larry said.

"You don't need healers to tank, not really. I just have to mitigate enough damage while you guys down it" Sean said.

"Sean! Don't be ridiculous. That thing takes you down to like 1 HP in one hit" Justin said.

"I also have evasive skills too you know. I could get better" Sean said. "And I could work on my defense abilities more so that I can withstand its attacks better."

"It's not enough. That power upgrade quest, we have to go do that" Dolphin said.

Diana looked at Larry and growled. Like she finally figured out something. "Your men tricked the Idea of Homophobia into going after me!" she said.

A flashback appeared and it showed some ancient gay monk in a pink robe spilling 'I'm a smelly dyke' perfume on Diana's jacket while she was in the shower.

"You were a healer. We had to. We had to kill you, in order to create an effective, all gay and gay supporting army. A true one, the first of its kind. Tank/healing/DPS Balance by default is heteronormative, created by straight white nerds who just want money. We need you all to be the same, all pure damage dealers to take down the Idea. Except for Sean. And maybe not even him, if it comes down to it."

"So that's it? There are no more healing classes left? In the entire world?" Sam asked.

Larry shook his head. "I'm afraid not. This is the only way. This is unfortunately how it has to be done. We knew how dangerous the Idea of Homophobia is. We thought it might wait later on to attack, but...." he sighed. "I always knew this was coming."

"And when we lose people, do we lose them forever. Why aren't Steve and Mune back yet?"

"The Idea of Healing has been destroyed, so their own Ideas can't manifest their physical form any more, as that in of itself is the Ultimate healing spell. By killing off the world's healers, the Idea of them can't bring them back to be with you."

"This shit is big. This is REALLY big" Dolphin said.

"You mean, I'll always have no arms. Forever?" Vero said.

Sam looked over at Vero, grabbed her hands and started crying with her. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Suddenly, the door to Sigma's hut burst open.

"You think that was the end?" The Idea of Homophobia said. "I'm just getting started."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 63: ....It's Losing What You've Got (Part 2 of 2)

Sam looked over at Larry. "What else you got?"

"That is all. Our plan has succeeded. We tricked the Idea of Homophobia into eradicating all healers. Now it's only a matter of-" The gang suddenly saw Larry's head fly off his body by a swirling whizzing axe.

"Gay men could never catch moving projectiles well" The Idea of Homophobia said.

"He did it. He just killed the leader of us all. *Thee Larry Kramer. The one who saw what really needed to be done"... Eldanen said.

"His legacy lives on, in all of us!" Sam said. Sam shot out a Neon Bolt spell at the Idea. He dodged the spell by somersaulting in the air and showing off his muscular thighs. He then landed back down on the floor and caused all adventurers to stumble.

"We can't just let him slaughter us again. We have to run away" Dolphin said. Vero teleported them all to Jupiter. But the Idea followed them there, too. From one planet to another, just like *finger snap.*

"Even Jupiter believes in me more than it does you. I am about to go and get the power that is meant for you! The Idea said.

"Oh no you don't!" Sean said. The adventurers raced The Idea through all of Jupiter until they came across three female fairies, who hovered in the middle and flapped their wings. One had on a pink shirt, the other a green and the last one had on blue. But the Idea was faster and got there before they did.

The Idea grabbed the three fairies and gobbled them up. Crunch, crunch, crunch. It was scary and real like when you're outside and you see a toad just casually eat a fly just because they can. Just because they're bigger and tougher and straighter and stronger. "They were the three fairies that created the Gay men who made the scythe that you thought would stop me!" The Idea of Homophobia said.

"Well there goes that plan..." Dolphin said. "And that reminds me of that one children's book!" she said.

The Idea of Homophobia then channeled the entire planet of Jupiter into his own essence, and magnified Jupiter's power so much that it broke the protective space suit and killed off every last 16Types Adventurer.

They all died heroes. They all died knowing who they were.

***

Sam was up in the realm of Ideas now, along with all the others. "Dolphin, where are you?"

"Most of the rest of the gang have already begun to turn on each other. It's hopeless, Sam. The Idea of Homophobia is going to destroy all of reality, then he's going to come up here and destroy all other Ideas in the realm of Ideas. He won't come up here yet. But soon enough, he will."

"We have to reverse this, somehow. Before I become so narcissistic we end up fighting each other."

"Larry said that won't work. No healers....." Dolphin said.

"J-just the Idea of Healing is gone. But, the idea of something better has to still exist. Hope, raw pure hope that when life is as shitty as possible, it *can* get better. We have to tap into that and..." Sam thought long and hard, and....

Conjured all of reality back to about ten seconds before Vero was about to send them all to Jupiter. The trip sort of felt like being locked up in prison for three years then finally coming out, only to discover that when you do your 'free life' isn't much better than prison was. That's how sad Sam felt. Sam looked over at Dolphin. "I'm sorry, it was the best I could do...."

"Vero. Don't take us to Jupiter. He'll just follow and steal the power that was meant for us" Sam said.

"Yeah. We know" Vero said. "So, now what?"

"You die" The Idea of Homophobia said. It lifted up Maria by the neck and killed her instantly.

Gilly tried to drop an anvil on the Idea with his Jester powers, but the Idea caught the anvil and threw it at Gilly's face. Down goes Gilly.

"He's just going to kill us off one by one until there's nobody left. Then he can easily rip the rest of the world to shreds. And nobody cares, because. Hot throat fuck porn. Strong straight man ideals. Useless football games and consumers and media distractions and 'jobs' that challenge nothing, that just further reinforce what you think you know, because they want money so they feed off your ego. They don't want true change. It's all stronger than all of us, stronger than all we have here...."

"You think?" the Idea of Homophobia said. It then went up to Eldanen and killed him by punching his fist though his forehead.

Vero used her power and instead of going to Jupiter, teleported them all to San Francisco.

***

"It's a gay sanctuary here. He won't attack here" Sam said. He looked around. "How many us are left?" he said.

"I don't know. Still, a lot?" Dolphin said.

"We lost Eldanen" Sam said. "He can summon Ideas, he was our main man. And now he's-"

Eldanen went up to Sam and smacked him on the back of his head.

"I saved him with my cloning power" Vero said. She was armless, in a wheelchair, being pushed by Bionicgoat. "I may be armless but I'm still armed" Vero quipped.

"And Gilly too?" Dolphin said. Vero nodded.

"And Maria!" Sam said.

"No, no. Not Maria. She was the first one he killed out of those three, so he able to catch me off guard" she said.

"Well, most of us made it...." Dolphin said.

An effeminate campy gay man walked up to them and rolled his eyes. He heard the entire conversation. "Bitch please! Every midwestern ****** who takes himself too seriously thinks that he's a gay hero. You just need to get off that shit, realize there's more to you than being gay and go out and participate in the world like a normal person. You're doing NOTHING and you're wasting your life!" he said.

"Um. Well uh. You still don't have equal rights...." Sam said.

"Who cares. We don't want EQUALITY, we want DIVERSITY. Which includes respecting those that disagree with us, even somebody that wants to kill me! Somebody can only make me inferior if they have my consent, the idea of Homophobia could NEVER hurt me because I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM IN MY LIFE unlike you, Sam! You just need to go out and earn money and stop all this shit!"

"It's an Esther Hicks nut, Sam" Dolphin said. "Don't think we can get through to him. He thinks anything bad that happens to him his own fault."

"Sam?" Joy politely asked. "I think he has a point?" Discojoe nodded because he was a budding sociopath.

"Shut up Joy" everybody said in unison. Joy shut up.

The girly ****** snapped his fingers and walked off.

"That fag doesn't understand what we're doing for him, and we can't make him 'Get It'" Sam said with a sigh. "He's happy. It may very well be a wrong, manufactured happiness but it's a happiness. He has a good material life, and all the cock he can suck."

"I already understand that perspective" Sam said. "And I don't care. But it is sort of, you know, demoralizing. God I hate effeminate bitchy twinks. Gay guys like Sean are so much cooler."

"They are sort of too toxic to respect?" Rick said.

"You just hate him cause he's like you" a random 16types person. "That's how homophobia works."

"No. It's not how it works. And I'm nothing like that! I am soft and sensitive and empathetic, not toxic and biting. Ugh."

"This is gay. Why are we even helping you. We have our own lives to lead. Until the Ideas go after us we just shouldn't care" Jessica said. A few adventurers left the party. Everybody began splitting up again.

"All of reality ending....the world dying?" Sam said. "Doomsday! Death! Destruction.... puppies kicked? Remember. The apocalypse?"

"It's San Francisco, Sam. They're seeing the gays content and happy here and so they don't really think they are in a victim status" Dolphin said. "And well, they aren't."

"It's an illusion" Sam said. "It's okay to be gay here, but it's not okay everywhere like it should be. And as long as it's not true everywhere, how can it be truth? They're just fooling themselves....they aren't standing up to evil!"

An effeminate black gay man driving a car screamed "GET A JOB, NOBODY CARES ******!" from out his window. A few of his other homosexual friends started howling with laughter at Sam and splashed mud on Sam's body when they drove by. He was fast, aggressive, loud and obnoxious. Everything that Sam wasn't. And Sam was supposed to feel some sort of kinship for this person, just because they're both gay? What was he thinking!

Sam looked at himself and just '....' at that. He looked at Dolphin and the others. "I'm sorry....but I need to be alone right now. I guess go take a break, explore the city. Do what you want while I think of a way to fix this mess."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 64: Downward Spiral

Sam went to gay bars in San Francisco and saw all the homosexuals being happy and dancing in their own little worlds. For awhile Sam just lightened up and danced with the other ******s. But he quickly grew bored of this.

"You know there's an Idea out there- that wants you all dead. We have to fight-" Sam stopped for a moment, dodging a guy who tried to give him drugs. "Doesn't partying seem useless in a way?" Sam asked a latino hunk with his shirt off. "Like what is there to really celebrate? This seems like escapism."

He just laughed at Sam like he was nothing. "It's gay people's own fault if anything bad happens to them. Everybody knows that. Life is meant to just have fun and do what you want!"

Sam started feeling deluded, like the world he was in before wasn't real and it was like that lost fag feeling where you didn't know what was real and what was fake. He looked around for a friend to lean on, but he was a stranger in a strange land.

"Hey wanna fuck?" a guy asked Sam.

"No, but I'd like to get to know you and maybe...." The gay man laughed at Sam. "Get over yourself sweetie, lol you think you can save the world and shit - oh my fucking god. Oh my god!!!"
Sam put his head down. "This is why I don't like gay men or other gay bars...."

"Rough night honey?" A drag queen said to Sam in the bar. Sam looked up and saw it was Sister Unity Divine! She had a blue pretzel painted on her face and was wearing an orange jump suit.

"Yeah. Why are these people hurting my feelings?" Sam said.

"They know what you're saying is true. They just. Well... It's hard for them. You're being too extreme all at once. It's sort of repulsive. You have to be the cool mysterious sexy straight boy we all fall in love with." Sister Unity said.

Sam took a sip of a strawberry daiquiri that Sister Unity paid for. "I'm trying to save a whole bunch of people that I never really liked. I'm trying to save a world that I never belonged to or genuinely enjoyed. The only thing I found comfortable in life is seeing people the way that I wanted to see them...." Sam said.

Sister Unity listened empathetically at Sam's spiel. She half-way opened her mouth like she was about to say something wise, deep, understanding and philosophical but she said instead "Nobody cares honey. Bend over and let's see that ass!"

"Sister Unity, not you too...."

Sam went back on the streets of San Francisco. "You have no idea where you're going, do you?" Park Wiley said to him with a stuck up smiling grin. He then just laughed. "Those clothes! That hair" he cracked up at Sam. "I bet you want this huh! You can only get it on the internet, ya dork" Park Wiley laughed at Sam, cause he knew it was true.

"I had a crush on you but you're so narcissistic and asshole-ish, like all porn stars...." Sam said.

"There's so much living life that you don't even know you little ******, you actually think there's something out there that wants to end the world. ROFLMAO, bye!" He then jumped in the arms of these studs that looked so perfect and skipped along the sidewalk. He whispered something mean about Sam in the other guy's ear.

Sam clenched his fist. He felt dizzy from all the bullying. "I actually believed in you guys , but it's all a lie?" Sam called out. "GAYS STILL AREN'T FUCKING EQUAL, ISN'T ANYBODY ANGRY?" he said.

"The world loves gays, it's all in your head, it's all in your head."

"No it's not! You're still not.....you're still not treated right objectively" Sam called out.

"We make our own reality, our own reality, our own reality...." the gay men chanted.

"No you don't. It's narcissistic, it's not real to think that pain and discrimination doesn't effect you. And you know it. Homophobia still hurts your feelings, admit it!"

"Just get a job ******, job ****** job ******"

"ARGGGGHHHH!" Sam screamed. "I'm trying to SAVE YOUR SOULS THIS IS MUCH BIGGER THAN A JOB"

"Nobody cares ******, nobody cares ******, nobody cares."

"You don't even care enough about yourselves to realize when you're being saved. Is that it?"

"Shut up and party fag party fag party fag. Life is good, life is what you make it. We're happy here! Happy here, happy here, happy here...."

"BECAUSE YOU HAVE DRUGS THAT ARE MAKING YOU HAPPY! IT'S NOT REAL. You need to talk about your emo issues!"

"If you want to be a therapist, then be it, make money off of other people's pain ******, pain ******, pain ******...."

The gay men just swirled around in Sam's head and laughed and condescended at him. Teasing him with their erotic charms then pulling away at the last second, acting just like the straight bullies that treated them that way.

"No, no....that's not the way!" he said.

Sam ran around and realized he wasn't in San Francisco anymore. He wasn't in any physical place anymore. He was just in a scared little black space, the place in your mind you go to where you don't know where else to turn to.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 65: The Idea of Slow Suicide

Sam went more into himself, not in the meditative sense, but deeper into the black emptiness he felt his entire life. The spot that you know is always there but you're always too afraid to face it. He was in some sort of vortex of his own mind and consciousness.

He saw a voice, or a figure, he wasn't sure what it was. It took no form, because there was no form here. Just thoughts. Just ideas. It said to him 'That is the truth of what you are. No matter what you do, all homosexuals are slowly killing themselves.'

Sam started crying. "I knew it was silly and dorky and wrong, you know. I knew how pathetic it was, but all I wanted was for us just to love each other" Sam said. "But they are just so selfish, and self-absorbed, they don't care what anybody has been through. And I don't care either. I want to. But wanting's not enough."

"Nobody cares that you cry. They get stronger off it, temporarily. It feeds their own brittle confidence, disguising the truth of what I just said. That they're all slowly killing themselves. Like Oscar Wilde is. That is the essence of homosexual love: Slow death. You rarely realize it, but it's always happening. You're just a slow suicide, good for nothing ******."

Sam just cradled his head in his knees and let the voice talk to him more.

"You get a crush on a boy. But it's a hologram-y crush. It goes go nowhere. How can it? You cannot create anything together. Your ******s. Don't idealize it into something different, because you know what I'm saying is true. You just sort of slip down with each other. You die slowly together and it feels beautiful in a way because it happens so gradual, you can barely feel the organic nothingness of it all. You're just slipping off the edge of reality, off the edge of *all* realities. They made the world for straight people. But that's the way it has to be. How do you think you even exist right now, ******? You came from them, but you're a mistake. It's all just a mistake. A sin. A missing of the mark. An anomaly."

"No matter what I do, no matter how strong I fight. No matter what powers we get, the end is inevitable....." Sam said to the voice.

"Yes. It's happening so slowly and so beautifully you just have to let it end. Just let it go away. Just give up. Fade out completely like that Radio Head song tells you to do."

"Where's the end. It has to end? A slow suicide has to become a regular suicide eventually. Right? Then maybe we'd know peace..."

"No. No peace for ******s. It's a slow suicide. You cannot permanently destroy any energy, even ****** energy. You can only make it less or more or transfer it. We don't have to kill you. We just have to slowly kill you. You don't die because ******s were never alive and you cannot kill that which has no life."

"It's true. It's not ideal or right, but it's TRUE. The world would really be a better place if homosexuals weren't in it. We cause too many problems" Sam said.

"To save the world, to stop the Idea of Homophobia, you need to give up being gay" the voice said.

Sam saw a vision of the Idea of Homophobia going into his grandmother's house. A person who was ambivalent about gays, wanting to understand them but was still fearful. He picked her up by her 88-year-old head and ripped her head off its body and started playing soccer with her head. He then saw the Idea demolish that house, and that entire block, and the whole world just crumbling and falling and everybody dying and screaming and exploding.

They tried to find some ideal, some hope to latch onto. But there wasn't anything. The gays in the gay bar died while being in their own little world. Dolphin died with a blank expression on her face, though she had an apologetic one a few seconds prior.

Sam blinked. Then suddenly looked up into the void and yelled out while being in so much pain. He telepathically demanded that Eldanen summon the final, ultimate Idea. The Idea of No Homosexuals.

In a flash, there was no more gay people, and no more Idea of homophobia because it can't exist if there's no gays.

The end. Sam saved the world, by giving up what he thought was important, but really wasn't. Sam eradicated homosexuality completely from the planet.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 66: A World With No Gay People

Magic didn't exist. There was no powers or classes. For the most part, everybody just loved and cared for each other and started families together. Nobody went against the norm much, and if they did, they had a psychological disorder that was quickly diagnosed by professionals and taken care of. It was not a peaceful world though. Please do not equate peaceful with perfect.

Magic was first invented by gays, given to those that are different in order to protect themselves against an unfair world. But if there is no differences that make people feel uncomfortable, then magic is moot.

There was still black people and stuff, cause everybody already liked them anyway. For the most part. They were still treated right, objectively. There was still differences, but they were tolerated, and those who were different knew they had to give themselves up to save the whole.

Sam and his wife Dolphin were in a small ranch house together in Albion Michigan, where Starr Commonwealth used to be. There's no need for Starr Commonwealth anymore, because there was no gays to make trouble in the world. They were raising three kids together. John, Lindsay and Robin. Lindsay was only three years old, John was 10 in fourth grade and Robin was a 14-year-old teenager.

"John is shy in school and he stutters. I wonder if he'll get over it?" Sam asked.

"He will. If not, they make pills for that. To make him fit better in the social structure" Dolphin said.

"Yeah ah yes, just how it should be" Sam said. He sighed. "It's a nice day out. Want to go to the park?"

"Sure!" Dolphin said. "Just let me get my jacket."

"I had a thought that was wrong today" Dolphin said while they walked out the door. "I thought Maria down the street, was better looking than me, although I knew that was wrong so I called up Dr. Cunningham and he came over and he Fixed my Bent-ness" she said.

"Good for you" Sam said.

***

The old Sam and Dolphin looked down at this new world. They were in another dimension. Was it heaven? Realm of Ideas? They honestly didn't know. It was....something.

"So this is how it's happening? I did really like you, Dolphin. I could see how we would be together in a different world. In a better world...." Sam said. "If I was straight and-"

"Don't. This is too painful" Dolphin said. "But you did it. You did what you had to do, as a hero."

Sam nodded. "Being a straight man is like being the sun and being a gay man is like being the moon. The moon is nice and all, great and beautiful, but if you took away the moon nothing would be effected. The sun is needed for life. The anomalies, the mutations. They aren't needed. They just cause problems. Always. Eventually. No matter how much we try to hold on or how much good-natured leftists convince themselves that it's otherwise" Sam said. "This is only the beginning, the beginning of a perfect world." He continued "You could say homosexuality is part of nature, naturally intertwined. And it was. But it needed to end so that the better part of life could go on."

"And to think that having the Idea of a perfect world is 'boring' that's not true" Dolphin said. "A perfect world is just that, perfect. There are no problems. No issues. Everybody is straight and happy" she said.

"Except for us" Sam said.

"Maybe cause we're the heroes, we don't get to feel that? So everybody else can" she said.

"There's no need for gay heroes or magic powers, because they were ultimately two sides of the same coin. With no more issues in the world, there's less of a need for superheroes" Sam said with a sigh. "Gay people were chosen to fight the monsters, but we were also the reason the monsters existed."

"All the cool final fantasy-type magic people like, gay in nature. It had to go as well. But look, it's working. The world. It's fixed. It's saved."

Dolphin gave Sam a sad smile. "Yeah. Go us."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 67: Back to Reality

No gay magic. No big scary monsters. Just real life. But a shadow left over of gayness, what is already here now. Your psychological thoughts. What you think about that nobody else can hear, unless you tell them, which you always do because these thoughts are weird and scary and non-normal and make you feel all weak and insecure and faggy. When you should just be paying your taxes like everybody else. Or something.

So, therapy was back in business. And almost everybody was in it, cause you know how Americans are with their therapy.

"You need to face reality" Dr. Cunningham, Sam's therapist told him from across his chair. It was a hazy autumn day. Those days where you just want to sigh a lot and watch boring movies.

"That's what I'm trying to do. I had a friend, named Vero. But she's not with me now. I want to know what happened to her, but I don't know. There are others as well. I'm not sure I remember their names, but...."

"Does it really matter?" Dr. Cunningham said. "You shouldn't hold on to people, I mean she was probably just a 'season person'" he said.

Sam sighed. "I know that. I have a beautiful wife and three children. But she was my friend and -"

"You know what you sound like young man? You sound like a teenage girl who can't get over a friend they really liked. You should just take responsibility and move on!" he said. "There will be other people you get along with. You shouldn't hold on to this person" he said. "Holding on to people leads to suffering" he said.

"Well yeah- " Sam was about to say 'but', but he stopped himself.

"Sam, you didn't have a strong father, so I'm only doing what I need to so you can be a man" he said.

"I understand. Thank you. Well, I know what you're about to say next. That we're done here for now. I will go pay your bill up front."

"I raised my prices by 50%" Dr. Cunnigham said matter-of-factly.

Of course! Sam paid for therapy, and then drove back home to his wife.

"Anything good on tv, honey?" Sam asked Dolphin when he got back home.

She did a 'so-so' gesture with her right hand. Sam walked over to Dolphin, leaned down and kissed her. "Something is missing in my life. And I want to try and find it."

"You just need more therapy and more pills, like everybody else" Dolphin said. "We can get through anything together."

"Yeah there's no meaning. Meaning is created out of emptiness, if you fill that emptiness you don't need meaning. Things just are....." Sam said. "And you need to be just happy with that is-ness." Sam looked over at a book by Byron Katie on their nightstand called 'Loving What Is.'

Dolphin just sort of giggled at Sam, and snuggled closer with him. "Do you want a pool? I've always wanted a pool" she said.

"Yeah but we're hurting for money. I'm a therapist and I can't get any clients. Dr. Cunningham gets all the patients. Hey, even I see him."

She looked at him. "You don't need him anymore. I think, you just need to be a real man and exploit other people's pain just like him. Because ya know, I really want that new pool for the summer."

Sam smiled. "You're right, you're right. As always."

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 80: The Heart of Numbers

Combined with the Power of Numbers’ Heart, and the Idea of Healing being free from the dragon-elf dimension, the moment The Idea of Healing stepped onto earth she was able to resurrect the following people: Larry Kramer, Steve, Mune, Vero, Maria and Akra. And anybody else that died during the previous battles with the Idea of Homophobia.

See Numbers’ was a caring, selfless person- and so his death alone was enough to save the lives of many. He will always be remembered as somebody who made a difference.

The Idea of Healing though was confused. She looked around. She was standing some place in New York City, face-to-face with Renee. “Why aren’t I up in the Realm of Ideas?” she asked. She was safer there, even though it was a place where there was 24/7 war.

“Because” Renee said. “The Realm of Ideas and the Real World are merging themselves together. It’s all part of the Brave New World” she said. “A world that--” Renee rushed over and snapped The Idea of Healer’s neck.

“--You’re not invited to be a part of” she said.

Memory Sam and Memory Dolphin saw this whole thing. “We have to slow her down somehow….” Sam said.

“Well, we’re memories right?” Dolphin said. “Let’s make her forget.”

Renee was about to do some carnage on the rest of the world, but she stepped back and suddenly she forgot who she was. “What the- what? What am I doing here?” She was standing in the middle of the street, about to get hit by a bus.

But suddenly, a bald black man dove in front of Renee and saved her by tackling her down to safety. The man carried her and placed her safely down on the sidewalk. It was none other than Mr. Ware, the Pure Demon who was working with her in Starr Commonwealth. The one that used Dolphin’s guilt against her.

“You saved my life…” Renee said.

“And I’m also going to remind you of who you are” Mr. Ware said.

Memory Dolphin looked at Memory Sam. “D’oh! Make him forget, too.”

“I c-can’t. He’s a ******, he’s too strong. Either that or they’re too strong together” Sam said. And Memory Sam was beginning to fade himself. “We just don’t have the power….” Sam said.

When the 16types Adventurers were resurrected, they lived the following normal lives: Steve was a hit musician in new york city, Mune was a world-famous chef, and Vero was a college professor ranting about the evils of gayness similar to Mr. Klimas. And Maria opened up a therapy center for people to cure their faggy feelings and thoughts that made them feel insecure inside.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 81: God Is Gay

Evil Death Coach Regina Horton, who was a Pure demon in the other world, was now just a human in this No Gay world. Along with her husband Omar Warren, who was also a Pure Demon, is now a human. They were lying in bed together. They were on a vacation in Paris. The sun had just came up.

Renee brushed her legs together, enjoying the way the satin sheets felt on her skin. “I could look in your eyes all day…” Renee said to Omar. She kissed him. She brushed a hand alongside his chocolate skin. “Interracial marriage is acceptable unlike the filth of homosexuality” she said.

“Don’t talk about that. Why are you talking about that? It doesn’t….even really exist anymore.”

Regina looked at Omar. “Sadly it still does. In dreams. And thoughts. And fantasies. In…potentiality. I wish I could just make it all go away so we could live life.”

“We are living life” Omar said. “And don’t be silly. You can’t live life unless you think. At least, a little bit.”

Regina traced a finger down along Omar's chest. Black dudes are so hot, she thought. “I know but….to think that I have to allow homosexuality to exist even in my thoughts angers me” Regina said. “There has to be some way to turn them off.”

Omar shook his head. “People think. I mean, we dream, and visualize stuff a-and…”

“Fantasies” Regina scoffed. “I like reality much better.”

“This isn’t a romantic relationship to you?” Omar asked, puzzled.

“Love is real. But that’s not the point. The point is….homosexuality needs to go away. Or I’m not satisfied.”

Omar stood up. “What are you talking about honey? It IS done away with. Most gay men die when they hit puberty and realize they’re gay, no man is active with his homosexuality…..the world is at peace, there’s not even any magic or powers.”

“Yes, there is. In our dreams and ideas. Therapists and the world leaders know of this. It all needs to be stopped.”

“You can’t…you can’t have life without thinking, Renee. I-I’m sorry but, I just think you should maybe let this gay shit go?”

Regina grabbed Omar by the shoulders and shook him violently. “There has to be somebody powerful enough to help me….”

“Well in my old life, as a Pure Demon, I did business with a great being called the Dreamstopper. He can….stop dreams, a-and thoughts. But in this world, his powers would be gone and he’d just be a regular straight person like everybody else or….”

Regina's eyes lit up. “A therapist.”

Omar nodded. “Technically, the Dreamstopper’s power lives on in therapists. To erase the insecure and not-real thoughts in people’s heads so we can all just get a job and be normal and follow the rules” he said.

Regina frowned. “That means….RPG classes and powers and gay love and hope still exists, just in a very diluted form. He tricked me.... The ****** tricked me.” Renee was FURIOUS and looked like a bitch on PMS, her skin flushed a warm mandarin color.

Mr. Warren gulped. “There’s not a way to end ALL magic, I mean magic is the reason for all things being, you know?” Mr. Warren said. “Including yourself.”

“Nonsense. We evolved from apes” Regina said.

“Yeah but who made the apes?” Omar asked.

“Well they evolved from…well see, it all started with the first life form.”

“And how did that come into existence? Something from nothing? It just doesn’t make sense! All you scientists talk about evidence. Where’s the evidence for *that?*” Omar had one of his eyebrows raised.

“Big Bang…Before life there was matter.”

“And who made that? The raw matter. The first ‘something.’”

“….Uh….It’s inevitable because um well you take the square root of te divided by the molecular structure of Prometheus’ triangle... Oh go fuck yourself, Omar.”

“Magic. It’s the only solution. A pure force of spark that contains everything, literally everything, even homosexuality. I-I’m sorry honey but- I mean it has to exist in some form. Or even you can’t exist!”

“You’re boring me.” Regina grabbed a dagger out of her dress and slit Mr. Warren's throat.

She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “And I refuse to believe that’s true because I’m….I’m the Idea of Homophobia” Regina smiled sinisterly. “Albeit in a weaker form. But it’s me. Daddy is back. And I am *the* God. Nobody else.”

Regina got up and looked herself in the mirror. She then punched it to bits and froze it a few seconds like The Source did that one time in the Charmed episode ‘Charmed and Dangerous’. When the glass shards fell down you could see her there standing and smiling bitch-ily. She then went in the closet and put on a black dress on. “Sam is going to pay.”