ESFjs and Ignoring People

[Krig the Viking]

Do most ESEs regularly ignore people, or just the ones I know? I've noticed this mainly with one ESE I know in particular, and others have noticed it with her as well. She's been known to:

1. Ignore people standing right beside her, while still happily talking to other people in the same group.

2. Reply to Facebook wall posts from some people, but not others.

3. Exchange an e-mail or two, and then suddenly stop replying mid-conversation.

Most people I'm familiar with, even if they don't want to talk to you, will at least politely acknowledge you in some way. I've never encountered this sort of complete ignoring of people before. I would tend to assume this sort of thing was a deliberate snub, except the same people she's ignored one day, she will happily talk to like old friends the next, and go back to ignoring the day after that.

Has anyone else experienced/observed this sort of behaviour from ESEs? Is it common among ESEs, or is this an isolated case? Any ideas on what might cause this? I have a few theories, but none of them really explain all the data.

It's very confusing.

[Creepy-Cyclops]

Hmm, it's not really answering all your points, but it's at least touching on number 1:

I knew an ESE who would for instance not invite someone back out in group actvity if it seemed to her that the person didn't enjoy themself last time. Seemed a bit strange to me personally because it could just be that the person was shy, or an introvert so didn't seem as excuberant. Of course other explanation is that the person wouldn't respond "correctly" to the Fe dominant of the ESE, so given it's her primary function she probably didn't realise people can enjoy the company without being particularly Fe repsonsive. (So it's sort of like the person being ignored if in company also).

Point 2 could tie in with above paragraph.

Point 3, not sure, maybe they are just busy, heh.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

My ESE mom talked about this before, she exclaimed that she doesn't want to get close to people unless she really knows them, maybe a bit surprising for an ESE you'd think cause they are usually socially gregarious extroverts that make superficial friends easier, but depth is very important to them or LIIs wouldn't be their duals. So she avoids them just cause she doesn't want the relationship to be shallow because she didn't talk or get along with them. A lot of people view the ese's social gestures as kinda fake and flighty so in all respects, it's probably just people not in her quadra that she's avoiding.

So yeah my ESE mom does the same thing, heh. She'll just....ignore the person if she doesn't know what to say.

[jason_m]

Do most ESEs regularly ignore people, or just the ones I know? I've noticed this mainly with one ESE I know in particular, and others have noticed it with her as well. She's been known to:

1. Ignore people standing right beside her, while still happily talking to other people in the same group.

2. Reply to Facebook wall posts from some people, but not others.

3. Exchange an e-mail or two, and then suddenly stop replying mid-conversation.

Most people I'm familiar with, even if they don't want to talk to you, will at least politely acknowledge you in some way. I've never encountered this sort of complete ignoring of people before. I would tend to assume this sort of thing was a deliberate snub, except the same people she's ignored one day, she will happily talk to like old friends the next, and go back to ignoring the day after that.

Has anyone else experienced/observed this sort of behaviour from ESEs? Is it common among ESEs, or is this an isolated case? Any ideas on what might cause this? I have a few theories, but none of them really explain all the data.

It's very confusing.

It doesn't sound right to me, simply because it strikes me as snobbish behaviour, and my impression of ESEs is that they generally aren't snobs. OTOH, if these people have a good reason for ignoring certain people, then I would view it differently.

Jason

EDIT: I read over your post again - instead of just skimming it. You said that they'll talk happily to someone one day, and then not the next, etc., instead of simply just ignoring certain people entirely. It sounds to me more like some kind of mood issue than snobbishness.

[Krig the Viking]

I knew an ESE who would for instance not invite someone back out in group actvity if it seemed to her that the person didn't enjoy themself last time. Seemed a bit strange to me personally because it could just be that the person was shy, or an introvert so didn't seem as excuberant. Of course other explanation is that the person wouldn't respond "correctly" to the Fe dominant of the ESE, so given it's her primary function she probably didn't realise people can enjoy the company without being particularly Fe repsonsive. (So it's sort of like the person being ignored if in company also).

This correlates with my own observations. In person, the people that she ignores/overlooks do tend to be quieter introverts who don't display a lot of Fe.

Incidentally, I think this is also why you don't see a lot of ESEs here on the Intarwebs. There's not a lot of Fe in a text-based message board, no matter how many emoticons you use.

My ESE mom talked about this before, she exclaimed that she doesn't want to get close to people unless she really knows them, maybe a bit surprising for an ESE you'd think cause they are usually socially gregarious extroverts that make superficial friends easier, but depth is very important to them or LIIs wouldn't be their duals. So she avoids them just cause she doesn't want the relationship to be shallow because she didn't talk or get along with them. A lot of people view the ese's social gestures as kinda fake and flighty so in all respects, it's probably just people not in her quadra that she's avoiding.

So yeah my ESE mom does the same thing, heh. She'll just....ignore the person if she doesn't know what to say.

Dude, this makes so much sense. It would apply especially to the ESE I know, as she's very popular and well-liked, and always has all kinds of people talking to her and wanting her attention. She's even talked about this exact thing before, about not liking shallow relationships, but I hadn't really connected the two.

It's interesting: as an LII, I have the same goal -- ideally, I would like to have just a few very close trustworthy friends rather than many superficial friends -- but we go about accomplishing that goal differently. The socially isolated LII has to struggle to make friends at all, and therefore tries to forge close friendships with all of his few friends. The popular ESE on the other hand makes large numbers of friends, and then has to weed out the superficial ones in order to pay attention to the closer friends. It seems backwards to my mind to push people away in order to pursue deeper relationships, but that's because I'm not all popular.

I would disagree though that it's just people "not in her quadra" that she's avoiding, though -- I think it's people from whom she doesn't get enough Fe (as Cyclops said). Real, sincere Fe, that is, not just superficial polite Fe. That's what a "depth" is all about for an ESE -- knowing the internal dynamics of people, what's going on inside. This explains why ESEs often overlook LIIs to begin with -- LIIs tend to hide what's going on inside from people they don't know well enough to trust. At a distance, it would be difficult to distinguish an LII (duality) from an ILI (conflict) (as MBTI has clearly demonstrated). This would also explain why ESEs often hang out with Betas (who also use lots of Fe).

It doesn't sound right to me, simply because it strikes me as snobbish behaviour, and my impression of ESEs is that they generally aren't snobs. OTOH, if these people have a good reason for ignoring certain people, then I would view it differently.

Jason

EDIT: I read over your post again - instead of just skimming it. You said that they'll talk happily to someone one day, and then not the next, etc., instead of simply just ignoring certain people entirely. It sounds to me more like some kind of mood issue than snobbishness.

Yeah, that's what I thought at first, too. The ESE in question had always seemed like a sincere, caring, good-willed person, and yet there was this inconsistent behaviour that seemed a lot like snobbishness. I was beginning to fear that the sincere, good-willed side of her was a front, and she was secretly duplicitous and callously selfish -- except that that would require a near-sociopathic level of constant deception and manipulation. So I was good and confused.

I think BnD's explanation makes sense of the data. I love when the data is made sense of.

Thanks for the help, guys! If anyone has any more insights, feel free to post them!

[Trevor]

.....

Were you ignored by her?

[Krig the Viking]

Were you ignored by her?

>.>

<.<

[Trevor]

>.>

<.<

I don't get it.

[Brilliand]

I don't get it.

I think that's a "yes."

[Krig the Viking]

Haha, yes, I was one of the people she's ignored from time to time. But it's not just me, others have noticed it as well. One of my friends actually believes the "secretly duplicitous and callously selfish" theory, or did at one point.

[Trevor]

OK, if so, then just ignore her back..let her acknowledge your existence, but nevertheless ignore her. Soon she'll come back to you crawling on her knees. And for the love of God don't be creepy. Why did she ignored you in the first place? I guess you were too pushy, too pathetic or something. Act as if you don't need her at all (which is probably not true, but meh). And I mean it. Act this way till the end. Until death do you apart. Actually no. Until wedding. And after the wedding you can tell her you love her but keep it cool, 3 or 4 times per year will suffice. Remember - you don't need her, there are plenty of women out there, you can go away any time - let her think so.

All of this assuming you're interested in her in that way. Are you?