Pickiness in choosing a significant other

[crazedrat]

before i knew about socionics i liked girls who showed SEEish qualities. Like if a girl payed me attention despite me being unpleasant toward her, I would like her more. Or like if she laughed at me saying something completely negative and mean.. I would like her more. If a girl had a unique sense of style, I would usually be more attracted to her. If she showed she didn't fall for the average dumbass guys swooning, it would be attractive to me .. If she had the general look that SEEs have, I always was attracted .. etc.

[Banana Pancakes]

The ENFps I know are the most picky I've met. I think all the EPs are to an extent.

I'm picky, but it's more about character than appearance

[implied]

The ENFps I know are the most picky I've met. I think all the EPs are to an extent.

I'm picky, but it's more about character than appearance

same here. not saying i don't care at all, because i do. but we're all going to be old and wrinkly eventually.

[jessica129]

I agree with IEE.

Which is a shame because coupled with my indifference towards relationships pretty much means we'll probobly never come in contact...or maybe that's appealing to them. So anyway, that's my vote.

[UDP]

The ENFps I know are the most picky I've met. I think all the EPs are to an extent.

I'm picky, but it's more about character than appearance

I do not agree with that.

I think it's very much dependent on the person, really.


PS: I really don't like the idea of this whole subforum, because different types can do the same action for different reasons.

[Ritella]

i wouldn't describe IEE's as "picky" AT ALL.
most will pretty much date anything. the issue is that they never decide on one.
this is probably true of most EP's to some extent. Not picky; just not focused.
IJ's are probably the "pickiest" actually. Because they can't tolerate a lot of options like E's can. And everything has to fit into their world view and standards.

[jessica129]

i wouldn't describe IEE's as "picky" AT ALL.
most will pretty much date anything. the issue is that they never decide on one.
this is probably true of most EP's to some extent. Not picky; just not focused.

hmmm, maybe that's it. Yeah, I think that's it.

[UDP]

Yeah that's more fitting that being picky.

I'm remembering that wonderful GIF (on rick's site?) which shows how irrational people develop relationships in non-linear, non-direct ways, where as rational people are very linear and straight forward. The GIF was a ball or something dodging obstacles - rationals just dodged and continued on the path, irrationals were always flying about the place to begin with. Maybe it wasn't relationally related but it applies here.

I know some EPs who are more specific but it's more value related.

[Banana Pancakes]

i wouldn't describe IEE's as "picky" AT ALL.
most will pretty much date anything. the issue is that they never decide on one.
this is probably true of most EP's to some extent. Not picky; just not focused.

Precisely, they date everyone, but dump them in a week because of their nose or laugh.

[jessica129]

Banana, did you have a different name before that one?

[Banana Pancakes]

Banana, did you have a different name before that one?

"formally known as diljs"

[Satan]

Precisely, they date everyone, but dump them in a week because of their nose or laugh.

I judge people based upon their laugh all the time. I tend to like girls with "light" laughs.

[Ritella]

I judge people based upon their laugh all the time. I tend to like girls with "light" laughs.

"light"? like, hee hee hee?

people tell me i have an evil laugh.

[idolatrie]

I think it's very much dependent on the person, really.

Exactly. I mean, it's not like anyone is going to come here and say "oh no, I'm easy, I'll pick up any old slag" (unless just to be contrary). We all think we're picky because otherwise we'd be desperate (or at least look desperate, which is probably of more concern). We're just all picky in different ways (which I think was the point of the op, but seems to be lost in the subsequent discussion).

[UDP]

Exactly. I mean, it's not like anyone is going to come here and say "oh no, I'm easy, I'll pick up any old slag" (unless just to be contrary). We all think we're picky because otherwise we'd be desperate (or at least look desperate, which is probably of more concern). We're just all picky in different ways (which I think was the point of the op, but seems to be lost in the subsequent discussion).

That being said,

EIIs seem to, over time, realize that they need a certain something...

For me, there's a very short list of "absolutely musts" (e.g. male, same direction in life/values, single, etc.). However, the contents of that short list greatly reduce my possibilities just because of their nature. Then I have a longer and more flexible list of "would like to haves" - some of which are more important than others (e.g. tall, dark, handsome, rich, etc.). But so far it seems that what's most important to me has kept me from developing any significant romantic relationships. More than once I've known someone who is great in most respects (nobody's perfect, of course), but who doesn't have all of the "absolute musts". And the effect on me ranges from annoying to totally heartbreaking.

The problem is, a huge number of guys are losers and many don't have the 'absolutes'.

There's simply nothing I can say to that - it's just how it goes. I'm trying to help develop guys to become better, but, it's difficult. If I was a female EII, I'd be slightly depressed about relationships, too, to be honest. Your prospects are not great, and yes I understand full well how you cannot really just 'lower your standards'.

When you are thirsty for water, you can't just pretend sand or bread is water - it just doesn't work.

[Minde]

EIIs seem to, over time, realize that they need a certain something...

Oh, I've known for a long time what my "absolute musts" are, pretty much since I've been old enough to think about relationships. I've known them long enough to get quite angry at and rebellious toward them at times. But I know why I have them in the first place, which keeps me from throwing them out. Even though it can be incredibly frustrating.


And it's not just about "losers", because as I said there can be a really great person - very non-loserish - who is just an impossible possibility because they, for example, are married.

EDIT: Even if someone isn't living according to my value set, even if they aren't going in the same direction in life that I am, even if they don't have the same life goals as me (something that is very important to me), they can still be fantastic people - too good for me, even. That's actually the hardest situation for me, because I have to choose. It feels like being hungry and sitting in front of a feast, but being chained back by the knowledge that the food and the time are not right.

[UDP]

Oh, I've known for a long time what my "absolute musts" are, pretty much since I've been old enough to think about relationships. I've known them long enough to get quite angry at and rebellious toward them at times. But I know why I have them in the first place, which keeps me from throwing them out. Even though it can be incredibly frustrating.

I wasn't talking about you, you seem like someone who's always 'known' this (and/or been in an environment that was more conducive to you actually being selective as you grew up). I was referring to other EIIs: there seems to be a general trend of realizing this, even if they didn't think so earlier on in their lives.

And it's not just about "losers", because as I said there can be a really great person - very non-loserish - who is just an impossible possibility because they, for example, are married.

I understand your point.

The losers comment was a general, referring to the state of males: ANY woman of ANY type does not have a huge pool to draw from, imo/ime, if they want a real, substantial, lasting kind of relationship.

[jughead]

this is stupid, everyone is picky and if they're not, they're probably not very interesting or going for more sex=better and haven't gotten past that. If your not picky someone else will be picky for you and rule you out. Saying you don't judge is a form of being picky. What it boils down to for an Ni type is responsibility over time.... And its harder the smarter you are. It becomes more complex the more you think about it.
Should supergenius's marry only supergenius so they will be intellectually satisfied even if they aren't attracted or will that in turn lead to average babies that they can't communcate with, because they wern't attracted and the biochemistry/genes wasn't good? Which in turn leads you to another philosphy that says have multiple partners, one for each aspect. Or it could just be "overthinking" or madness. Which leads to the gettin drunk and fuckin the first thing that comes your way that you can stand to look at.
The problem with this for me is I don't expect good sex from someone who doesn't meet the basic requirements of the following.
Qualifications
Attractive. If they aren't attractive, how the hell would I have sex with them? Thats a stupid question, everyone subconscioulsy judges others by appereance if not consciously. Being in shape and doing physical activities like sports is a big turn on too. This one is 1 or 0 yes or no.

Intelligence. Is this person of relatively similar intelligence to me? Can we have a interesting conversation? Can they support me and give me help in ways i can't and vice versa? This goes hand in hand with complementarity.Retards need not apply. I probably won't be attracted enough to have sex with you if you are dumb unless I am violently drunk which doesn't happen often. Also usually sorted out within first conversation.

Values/temperamento they have similar values to mine or ones that won't constantly clash? Are they a workaholic? Alcoholic? This takes longer...and part of where socionics comes in!
Last $$$ and status. Are they a hobo? Are they in a mountain of debt? Are they a convicted killer? This is usually a yes or no and quickly decided as well.

This is basically both common sense and my own outlook.


All this crap was boiled down in Ricks blog about compatibility.... And wow we have some of the same topics on our mind and same obvious conclusions like on the chemistry.com test. How does one become a socionics professional? Start a blog or website, experiment in real life or take the high road and go to the socionics institutes in Russia....who knows where that would lead you.

[jughead]

To clarify by type .....that is basically what I, an IEI uses. There's complexity in each new situation.... In regards to the erotic attitudes purposed by Gulenko i suppose my valuing of girls who play sports/in shape could be in line with Beta values.

[rockclimber]

EIIs seem to, over time, realize that they need a certain something...

I feel this is true for me. I keep raising my standards for people I get involved with, to the point where now I'm not sure if what I want exists. I just don't want to settle and waste anymore time or pain when I could be doing better things. I don't mind being alone, really.