Pickiness in choosing a significant other

[Creepy-male]

Fascinating. Out of interest, what's your enneatype?

[Kirana]

hmm... don't think i've bothered to find out yet. if i do, then i would have to read all about it to understand what it means and what it doesn't etc.. socionics alone sucked up a lot of time to understand basics - a couple years ago i had a lot more of that than i do these days, and it was during a period of pursuing self-knowledge. now that you asked, though, maybe i might find out one of these days.

[idolatrie]

I think it's very much dependent on the person, really.

Exactly. I mean, it's not like anyone is going to come here and say "oh no, I'm easy, I'll pick up any old slag" (unless just to be contrary). We all think we're picky because otherwise we'd be desperate (or at least look desperate, which is probably of more concern). We're just all picky in different ways (which I think was the point of the op, but seems to be lost in the subsequent discussion).

[Creepy-male]

@Kirana:

I wonder if you're a Six...

I know the male (I specify male because I read that sx Sixes tend to play up their gender roles) sx Sixes tend to turn me away from actually attempting to maintain contact with all the blustering they do, I anticipate that a sx One would draw out neverending wangsting and conflicting, and from the one Five I know, it all seems a bit too cerebral (I don't think he's sx, and neither does he ). As a friend, cool, but for romance? I don't know.

*sigh*

P.S.

Pickiness in action! And they'll have to look as good as the girl in my avatar too.

[Kirana]

tell you what - i took a quick test coz if it were me i'd really want the data once i get curious about something. from a one-time test, at similarminds.com, i'm a 5, sp. the brief descriptions seem to tally fairly well i'm sure you know what that means more than i do. i figure i can read on it at my leisure later. but just for interest, my score for One is the same as for Five.

[Minde]

I would call myself picky, yes. Perhaps even extremely so, depending on how you look at it. As has been said, I think different people are choosy in different ways.

For me, there's a very short list of "absolutely musts" (e.g. male, same direction in life/values, single, etc.). However, the contents of that short list greatly reduce my possibilities just because of their nature. Then I have a longer and more flexible list of "would like to haves" - some of which are more important than others (e.g. tall, dark, handsome, rich, etc.). But so far it seems that what's most important to me has kept me from developing any significant romantic relationships. More than once I've known someone who is great in most respects (nobody's perfect, of course), but who doesn't have all of the "absolute musts". And the effect on me ranges from annoying to totally heartbreaking.

I think I may have to subscribe to the "I might as well invest in cat litter, because I'm never going to get married" group. Of course anything is possible, but the probabilities are looking rather slim from my current vantage point.


My sister, who I believe is ENFp, is not as choosy as I in terms of who she'll go out with. But she's shown some good signs of being picky in terms of who she wants to stay with. She's broken with more than one guy because she "doesn't think he's good marriage material." (I think perhaps I could take a page from her book, because right now she's going with Mr. Pretty Much Perfect.)

[UDP]

Exactly. I mean, it's not like anyone is going to come here and say "oh no, I'm easy, I'll pick up any old slag" (unless just to be contrary). We all think we're picky because otherwise we'd be desperate (or at least look desperate, which is probably of more concern). We're just all picky in different ways (which I think was the point of the op, but seems to be lost in the subsequent discussion).

That being said,

EIIs seem to, over time, realize that they need a certain something...

For me, there's a very short list of "absolutely musts" (e.g. male, same direction in life/values, single, etc.). However, the contents of that short list greatly reduce my possibilities just because of their nature. Then I have a longer and more flexible list of "would like to haves" - some of which are more important than others (e.g. tall, dark, handsome, rich, etc.). But so far it seems that what's most important to me has kept me from developing any significant romantic relationships. More than once I've known someone who is great in most respects (nobody's perfect, of course), but who doesn't have all of the "absolute musts". And the effect on me ranges from annoying to totally heartbreaking.

The problem is, a huge number of guys are losers and many don't have the 'absolutes'.

There's simply nothing I can say to that - it's just how it goes. I'm trying to help develop guys to become better, but, it's difficult. If I was a female EII, I'd be slightly depressed about relationships, too, to be honest. Your prospects are not great, and yes I understand full well how you cannot really just 'lower your standards'.

When you are thirsty for water, you can't just pretend sand or bread is water - it just doesn't work.

[Minde]

EIIs seem to, over time, realize that they need a certain something...

Oh, I've known for a long time what my "absolute musts" are, pretty much since I've been old enough to think about relationships. I've known them long enough to get quite angry at and rebellious toward them at times. But I know why I have them in the first place, which keeps me from throwing them out. Even though it can be incredibly frustrating.


And it's not just about "losers", because as I said there can be a really great person - very non-loserish - who is just an impossible possibility because they, for example, are married.

EDIT: Even if someone isn't living according to my value set, even if they aren't going in the same direction in life that I am, even if they don't have the same life goals as me (something that is very important to me), they can still be fantastic people - too good for me, even. That's actually the hardest situation for me, because I have to choose. It feels like being hungry and sitting in front of a feast, but being chained back by the knowledge that the food and the time are not right.

[jughead]

this is stupid, everyone is picky and if they're not, they're probably not very interesting or going for more sex=better and haven't gotten past that. If your not picky someone else will be picky for you and rule you out. Saying you don't judge is a form of being picky. What it boils down to for an Ni type is responsibility over time.... And its harder the smarter you are. It becomes more complex the more you think about it.
Should supergenius's marry only supergenius so they will be intellectually satisfied even if they aren't attracted or will that in turn lead to average babies that they can't communcate with, because they wern't attracted and the biochemistry/genes wasn't good? Which in turn leads you to another philosphy that says have multiple partners, one for each aspect. Or it could just be "overthinking" or madness. Which leads to the gettin drunk and fuckin the first thing that comes your way that you can stand to look at.
The problem with this for me is I don't expect good sex from someone who doesn't meet the basic requirements of the following.
Qualifications
Attractive. If they aren't attractive, how the hell would I have sex with them? Thats a stupid question, everyone subconscioulsy judges others by appereance if not consciously. Being in shape and doing physical activities like sports is a big turn on too. This one is 1 or 0 yes or no.

Intelligence. Is this person of relatively similar intelligence to me? Can we have a interesting conversation? Can they support me and give me help in ways i can't and vice versa? This goes hand in hand with complementarity.Retards need not apply. I probably won't be attracted enough to have sex with you if you are dumb unless I am violently drunk which doesn't happen often. Also usually sorted out within first conversation.

Values/temperamento they have similar values to mine or ones that won't constantly clash? Are they a workaholic? Alcoholic? This takes longer...and part of where socionics comes in!
Last $$$ and status. Are they a hobo? Are they in a mountain of debt? Are they a convicted killer? This is usually a yes or no and quickly decided as well.

This is basically both common sense and my own outlook.


All this crap was boiled down in Ricks blog about compatibility.... And wow we have some of the same topics on our mind and same obvious conclusions like on the chemistry.com test. How does one become a socionics professional? Start a blog or website, experiment in real life or take the high road and go to the socionics institutes in Russia....who knows where that would lead you.

[UDP]

Oh, I've known for a long time what my "absolute musts" are, pretty much since I've been old enough to think about relationships. I've known them long enough to get quite angry at and rebellious toward them at times. But I know why I have them in the first place, which keeps me from throwing them out. Even though it can be incredibly frustrating.

I wasn't talking about you, you seem like someone who's always 'known' this (and/or been in an environment that was more conducive to you actually being selective as you grew up). I was referring to other EIIs: there seems to be a general trend of realizing this, even if they didn't think so earlier on in their lives.

And it's not just about "losers", because as I said there can be a really great person - very non-loserish - who is just an impossible possibility because they, for example, are married.

I understand your point.

The losers comment was a general, referring to the state of males: ANY woman of ANY type does not have a huge pool to draw from, imo/ime, if they want a real, substantial, lasting kind of relationship.

[jughead]

To clarify by type .....that is basically what I, an IEI uses. There's complexity in each new situation.... In regards to the erotic attitudes purposed by Gulenko i suppose my valuing of girls who play sports/in shape could be in line with Beta values.

[rockclimber]

EIIs seem to, over time, realize that they need a certain something...

I feel this is true for me. I keep raising my standards for people I get involved with, to the point where now I'm not sure if what I want exists. I just don't want to settle and waste anymore time or pain when I could be doing better things. I don't mind being alone, really.