What's the best way to react to an ENFp in a bad mood?

[Expat]

-- what's the best way to react to an IEE/ENFp male work colleague who just went through an extreme "bitchy" mood and called me to throw insults at me? I tried to reason with him, calmly, but he kept shifting from one reason to another to insult me. He has done it to others.

Is it best just to ignore it? I'm asking because my natural reaction would be not to ignore it and tell him that I don't appreciate being called to be insulted.

[XoX]

-- what's the best way to react to an IEE/ENFp male work colleague who just went through an extreme "bitchy" mood and called me to throw insults at me? I tried to reason with him, calmly, but he kept shifting from one reason to another to insult me. He has done it to others.

Is it best just to ignore it? I'm asking because my natural reaction would be not to ignore it and tell him that I don't appreciate being called to be insulted.

I don't know what the whole story is but I would generally suggest trusting your natural reactions. But unless you are absolutely sure that you are innocent don't be too blunt. Just tell him about how you feel about his behaviour. Don't over use logic to force your point. The goal is to make him feel himself as a bigger "jerk" than you at emotional level not win the battle of minds. Then he might calm down and go

If you have accidentally insulted him in some way you didn't see at the time then you just have to take the flames and apologize Try to figure if he has a point or if he is just a childish bitch in need of spanking This to be taken as a metaphor of course...anyways better to solve the issue than ignore it. ENFps and INFps often seem to hold a grudge.

[Expat]

I have not insulted him in any way that I can note. I never insult anyone, although I can see how my may annoy others in the "know-it-all" way especially when I'm on a "I have to do something immediately" mode.

As for my being innocent, well, nobody's totally innocent at work - we all have made mistakes.

What's happening is that he's under a lot of pressure at work and felt like lashing out at someone; that I can see.

[Slacker]

"I know you're under a lot of pressure right now, and I can see how that could make you blow a gasket every so often, but please don't call me and insult me. You need to find another outlet for your stress."

That's my suggestion. Can't promise it won't piss him off because boy do we hate criticism. But it'll hopefully at least put him on notice not to do it again.

[XoX]

What's happening is that he's under a lot of pressure at work and felt like lashing out at someone; that I can see.

Ok. Assuming this is the whole truth here is what I would do...

If he is basically a good and trustworthy person I would take the bitching and try to be the "shoulder to cry on" or "face to bitch on" i.e. "conditionally sacrificing" myself in the hopes of making him feel better and in the end turning him into part of my social network and perhaps even to a trusted colleague/friend.

If he is a total asshole I would kick his butt for messing with me and then ignore him. Hehe

To summarize it: Primarily I would try to find a way to see the whole situation as an opportunity. Secondarily I would fiercely defend myself from unjustified attacks.

[anndelise]

Unfortunately, without more in depth information, i can't offer any possible solutions. However, I can offer a couple of insights maybe.

ENFP's don't usually hold grudges...not for long anyways. Especially if you just continue on like nothing has happened.

Most the ENFP's I've known are very sensitive to criticism, and may get even more...um...aggressive...the closer to home you hit. Most wind up constantly reviewing what was said, seeing how it fits in, and adjusting to that new insight, but I am learning that some ENFPs may not have that need/desire to do so.

Offering constructive criticism (as in qualifying your judgement) is probably the best way to go. Instead of just saying we are wrong, show us where/how we went wrong. If the ENFP argues with you after that, just leave it. Cuz it's then up to them to use the info you gave them. But we really do need that further input.

[Expat]

Perhaps I'll just ignore it then.

The full story is this -- he's the main salesman and is struggling to get business in a difficult environment. He was visiting a customer, trying to score some points, and they struck back saying that our company was useless because a certain problem hadn't been solved, as he thought.

Now, solving that particular problem wasn't my responsibility and never had been, but since I have had some peripheral involvement contacting that customer because of it, the ENFp apparently thought I was the one to lash out regarding it.

Later I found out that on the same day, he called others - that means 3 other people at least - who by no stretch of the imagination could have been held responsible for that, and also lashed out on them.

He did not contact the people closer to the problem whom he could have more reasonably criticised.

So I'm assuming that it was a purely emotional reaction.

[anndelise]

Perhaps I'll just ignore it then.

The full story is this -- he's the main salesman and is struggling to get business in a difficult environment. He was visiting a customer, trying to score some points, and they struck back saying that our company was useless because a certain problem hadn't been solved, as he thought.

Now, solving that particular problem wasn't my responsibility and never had been, but since I have had some peripheral involvement contacting that customer because of it, the ENFp apparently thought I was the one to lash out regarding it.

Later I found out that on the same day, he called others - that means 3 other people at least - who by no stretch of the imagination could have been held responsible for that, and also lashed out on them.

He did not contact the people closer to the problem whom he could have more reasonably criticised.

So I'm assuming that it was a purely emotional reaction.

Oh, yes, i can see this happening. We are very reactive. Especially when we are trying to solve a complex problem (in this case a difficult environment). Going in with a specific set of "arsenals" for our attack, and then finding out that one or more is a dud sends us floundering. It's like...working so hard to gain rapport with someone, and then discovering that it was all fake. Except that this ENFP was the one feeling as if he's being viewed as fake. (One possible view on it.)

Being in the sales dept, does he actually know who he should be confronting? Also...is it possible that he was using you and the others as a sounding board? Another thing most ENFP's do...cuz we have to get our thoughts and emotions OUT of us before we really know what we are thinking/feeling.

[anndelise]

Oh, and after some time has passed and he's back to his normal self, THEN it might be a good idea to mention how you felt regarding his attacks. He'll be in a better frame of mind to think on it.

[Topaz]

This sounds to me like he is under a great deal of stress and has distorted thinking, like the whole world is against him. Personally if I started lashing out at individuals (as opposed to systems) then I am really upset. I would ignore the outburst but you could also approach him and ask how things are. Possibly by now he has reconsidered his behavior and feels really bad about going off like that, unless he is a real tool and does stuff like that all the time. If this is uncommon behavior for him then most likely he will try to apologize. If you demonstrate concern and support he would greatly appreciate it and would probably try to find ways to express his gratitude. Usually ENFPs respect and its implications but have more difficulty with systems and beaucracy, which can seems made up to benefit the creators of the system and impersonal to the individuals who generaly have to work under the system.

[Expat]

Oh, yes, i can see this happening. We are very reactive. Especially when we are trying to solve a complex problem (in this case a difficult environment). Going in with a specific set of "arsenals" for our attack, and then finding out that one or more is a dud sends us floundering. It's like...working so hard to gain rapport with someone, and then discovering that it was all fake. Except that this ENFP was the one feeling as if he's being viewed as fake. (One possible view on it.)

I think that makes lots of sense and it fits with other occasions, far less explosive. Great insight. Thanks !

Being in the sales dept, does he actually know who he should be confronting?

He does, but he's terrified of the ISTj production manager who'd be ultimately responsible.

Also...is it possible that he was using you and the others as a sounding board? Another thing most ENFP's do...cuz we have to get our thoughts and emotions OUT of us before we really know what we are thinking/feeling.

Hmm -- I don't think so.

@ Topaz: that makes sense. I will ignore it and perhaps raise it later.

[Raver]

Well, I never really hold grudges longer than a day, since my forgives them and looks at what I did wrong as well at the moment or maybe that's just me. The best thing to do is talk to him in an assuring tone and listen to what he has to say. I think it is a big misunderstanding, like once my ENTj dad got aggressive when he was trying to explain something to me, but it annoyed me, since I already knew what he was talking about from the start and that I just wanted to look at it with a different perspective.