Experiences with Superego Relations

[sunnycalih]

Sunny.... I only skimmed it. But I have to say, please please please listen to what is going on and seriously consider taking a break from this relationship. I just have to say it. marriage is... long and full of ups and downs. If you're having these sorts of things happen before you're even married, it doesn't bode well. My supervisee husband (we've been married for almost 15 years) and I never fought before we were married. We don't fight often now, but we do fight and things aren't perfect. But my gosh, if you're not even married yet, get out while you can!! Even if you love him. He's not giving you what you need. I know that being engaged seems final or something but it's not. It's waaaay less final than having kids and a house and a whole lifetime. Do not think that things will get better. Most likely it will be the opposite. (And this coming from an optimist! Sorry....)

Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate it more than you know. It makes me feel sane to have people actually respond in a normal manner anymore, regardless of the positivity or not. I appreciate the honesty.

My real question, and maybe I should hop over to some “duality” thread, is will my dual really give me what I need. Will they comfort me when I’m panicky? Or will they do the same thing. That’s another fear I have. If I do let him go, it’ll be, deeply, because I have this idealistic hope of having that “duality” relationship.

My ex and I were a supervisor relationship. I was the supervisee. That was a horrible relationship. I never thought this relationship could compare to that one. We argued constantly. It had become a comfort blanket for both of us, but the blanket had turned into a piece of prickly sand paper. We’d be cold w/ out it, but gotdam, if it wasn’t annoying to be under.

This relationship is turning into something almost more hurtful. Because I can’t hate my SLE like I hated my LII. I could get some sort of dislike going for the LII, because he was doing things purposefully to get to me. granted, after reading about socionics, I understand he was probably coming w/ good intentions, too. thank god I didn’t know about all this business then. maybe I’d still be stuck there! I wonder if this would be easier to deal w/ if I didn’t understand SO much, where he is coming from.

Just a mess. A horrible, confusing, painful, mess.

I think I’m changing my tune on the super-ego pairs. Yeup. This weekend’s opened my eyes. Damn.

[redbaron]

My real question, and maybe I should hop over to some “duality” thread, is will my dual really give me what I need. Will they comfort me when I’m panicky? Or will they do the same thing. That’s another fear I have. If I do let him go, it’ll be, deeply, because I have this idealistic hope of having that “duality” relationship.

You know, before I knew a dual at close distance, I was skeptical. And I've only been in a romantic relationship with a dual once (when I was like 15 and only for a few months). I'm good friends with one now and it's very very comfortable and safe. He totally calms me and motivates me. There's a weightiness, a groundedness to him which is what I need as an IEI. Anyway, duality isn't everything but when the other things line up (values, goals, interests), it really can be amazing.

[forgetmenot]

My ex and I were a supervisor relationship. I was the supervisee. That was a horrible relationship. I never thought this relationship could compare to that one. We argued constantly. It had become a comfort blanket for both of us, but the blanket had turned into a piece of prickly sand paper. We’d be cold w/ out it, but gotdam, if it wasn’t annoying to be under.

This relationship is turning into something almost more hurtful. Because I can’t hate my SLE like I hated my LII. I could get some sort of dislike going for the LII, because he was doing things purposefully to get to me. granted, after reading about socionics, I understand he was probably coming w/ good intentions, too. thank god I didn’t know about all this business then. maybe I’d still be stuck there! I wonder if this would be easier to deal w/ if I didn’t understand SO much, where he is coming from.

I had similar experiences - I mean I was with LII and with SLE. For me, the relationship with LII was much better. I felt really comfortable with him, at ease especially in the beginning. I really loved that guy although he had a very difficult character. I don't blame his type for that. I know other INTjs, they are prone to have "difficult characters" but not all of them do. I'd actually never say I hate LIIs, it's just the opposite. I admire them in a way and I feel good in their company.
My SLE was a person I really couldn't forget. The breakup was really painful although the relationship wasn't very serious. Because I thought he was an ideal. Now I think he's too loud, too self-centered and compared to my LII antitechnical (a trait which I value no idea why )

And I think you overestimate duality. I'm sure it's really comfortable but you can have a nice life with other types. It depends on what you value. If I had a choice, I would go for another LII or SLI. Not because I think SLIs are a perfect match but because I know what I like. I like quiet, thinking types, with a sense of humor.

Actually I'm sure you have a good intuition and you know what's good for you. I think you should forget about socionics a little bit and treat it more like a hobby. It's just a theory, some time ago people believed that the earth is a pancake. I mean I'm not saying it's a bad theory but just keep distance. From my own experience I know you may start exaggerating your stereotypical ENFpish traits and value ISTps too much. Anyway, some dual relationships also finish with a painful break-up.

If I could give you some piece of advice, try to find some strength inside you, because it is there. You don't need any ISTp or whoever to calm you, try to do it yourself. Try to treat yourself as if you were your best friend. If you feel insecure - try to think it's just a moment and it will be gone. Make a cup of tea, relax, try to keep distance. I'm sure it will work.

I wish you good luck with everything! Whatever happens, if you get married or if you finish this relationship - be your best friend and try to be the best to you. Take care of yourself, raise your mood! Nobody will do it for you, and it's even better to do it yourself .
Take care! I am with you :*

[iAnnAu]

My real question, and maybe I should hop over to some “duality” thread, is will my dual really give me what I need. Will they comfort me when I’m panicky? Or will they do the same thing. That’s another fear I have. If I do let him go, it’ll be, deeply, because I have this idealistic hope of having that “duality” relationship.

Sunny ... two things.
1. You don't have to give up on the relationship you have. You've given us a few details about it, but only you are living it. And no relationship is perfect. You're going through a rough spot, but if the two of you can address what's going on and come to an understanding, that very process can strengthen the bonds between you. EVERY RELATIONSHIP TAKES WORK. Now, if you have been noticing all sorts of problems and they're stacking up unresolved, THAT is important and probably a good indicator that either the two of you are innately incompatible or one or both of you has some emotional maturity to develop. But again, we can't really tell you that from an internet forum.

2. Your dual is not going to give you what you "need" any more or less than any other type. Their information metabolism is theorized to be the most complementary to your own, and that's all. It means that you're likely to be comfortable around them ... but ultimately it's up to YOU to give yourself what you need, and then find someone whose company you enjoy deeply enough to commit yourself to. And let me not downplay the difficulty of doing this for oneself - I can't even be certain I've achieved that level of maturity! But I'm not AFRAID of being alone; I know I'll be OK. The relationship I have with my current SO is going great, but if at some point in the future we end up not together, my life will go on, and that is no smear on him - I would hope he could say the same about himself. To me, that makes it even more significant that we choose to share our lives with each other.

It sounds like you're going through some strong and confusing emotions, so I hope I haven't said anything that sounds dismissive. Give yourself some time and space to yourself to give them some expression, because trying to stuff those emotions down and not acknowledge them has had bad results for me.

[forgetmenot]

But I'm not AFRAID of being alone; I know I'll be OK. The relationship I have with my current SO is going great, but if at some point in the future we end up not together, my life will go on, and that is no smear on him - I would hope he could say the same about himself.

What's the type of the person you are with now?
I like your post ... I used to think the same when I was in a relationship with my ex - that if we split up at some point I'll be able to carry on, thank you for reminding me that! :*

[dattebayo]

Sunnycalih, it's been a few days since your last post. I hope you feel better now :redface:

first of all, would it change how you feel if you we duals? I don't know but IEI can be as outgoing as anyone. Introversion in your case is simply using NI Fe over Ne Fi. In the way you post your venting, you still seem to keep on track on issues. You don't seem to jump all over the place (Ne).

Also you seem very emotional. Of course IEE's are emotional, but I think that because of the IEE's ability to read ppls motivation a IEE would fairly easily figure out her own motivations for crying, etc. and not stay confused about her own feelings too long

also you write you know what you need, a hug. From my experiance (I'm only 95% sure I'm IEE) when I'm confused I feel I need to do something or reason my way out of it (Se Ti) hence I try using my superego functions. I don't realize that I actually just need Si, be it a run, a meal, a long nights sleep or a hug. If you need action and logical reasoning maybe you might be IEI

So do you think you could be IEI?

I'm sorry I have to go. I'll get back to you later. All the best Sunnycalih

oh and I dig your avatar A LOT

[Sirena]

Sunnycalih, it's been a few days since your last post. I hope you feel better now :redface:

first of all, would it change how you feel if you we duals? I don't know but IEI can be as outgoing as anyone. Introversion in your case is simply using NI Fe over Ne Fi. In the way you post your venting, you still seem to keep on track on issues. You don't seem to jump all over the place (Ne).

Also you seem very emotional. Of course IEE's are emotional, but I think that because of the IEE's ability to read ppls motivation a IEE would fairly easily figure out her own motivations for crying, etc. and not stay confused about her own feelings too long

also you write you know what you need, a hug. From my experiance (I'm only 95% sure I'm IEE) when I'm confused I feel I need to do something or reason my way out of it (Se Ti) hence I try using my superego functions. I don't realize that I actually just need Si, be it a run, a meal, a long nights sleep or a hug. If you need action and logical reasoning maybe you might be IEI

So do you think you could be IEI?

I'm sorry I have to go. I'll get back to you later. All the best Sunnycalih

oh and I dig your avatar A LOT

This is pretty much in line with what I was thinking reading your post, sunny. I don't know that I can actually list specific reasons for thinking so, like dattebayo did here, but I just get an Ni/Fe vibe (could also be EIE) from your post. And I relate to a lot of what you wrote, on a deeply raw level. I hope you're feeling better these days!

[dattebayo]

Sirena!!! what happened to your sig

I forgot to reply on the op, cuz I got so caught up in sunnycali's situation. Sunnycalih if ur reading this I really hope that you've sorted it out

oh, i almost forgot again lol. My sister is my superego, but we have the best relationship! So much so, that it makes me wonder whether we really are superegos on a daily basis lol but i really think we are. I do see a difference in values and motivations, but it still doesn't seem to cause any real misunderstandings or disappointments. Maybe this is because we know each other so well. There is a bigger need for communication than with a dual. But if u don't mind the odd discussion it is OK

The good thing about a superego relationship is that it helps developing your superego functions effortlessly it seems just by being around a skilled person.
plus it forces you to look beyond your own values and pov's. This I think is the best thing about having a really good relationship with a person from a opposing quadra (or just another quadra I guess)
also means less relaxing and more action and plain fun in our case, than with my dual. It's nice with a bit (or A LOT) of both I think