Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
I read it all, and found it interesting! Hey, if your and your fiance are happy and it works, then it works. Why even question it? Socionics is one little part, but not the whole enchilada.
**WARNING, UN-EDITED RANT COMING ON**:

So, this response gave me hope. And I tried to get away from the super-ego labelness for a while. but my god have things gone horribly wrong this weekend. I cried. I don’t even remember why. Oh wait, yes I do, it was because he got drunk cuz he got let go from his job, and I don’t get him when he’s drunk. He’s Super loud, and dances, and calls friends like rapid fire. I mean, I guess he’s an E, afterall, but I think just the way our E’ness expresses itself is SO different, it scares me when it’s thrown in my face. I catch myself in the mirror w/ a furrowed brow, and tense shoulders, just a, “what on Earth are you doing?” look. Which tends to only make him do it more for some reason. I imagine there’s some sort of inner voice which picks up on the implied pressure oozing from my looks, saying “calm the F down. what is wrong w/ you??” but instead of calming, his inner self makes him want to rebel against any voice that is trying to silence or control him. Tho its my function that’s seems to be trying to keep my sanity that is asking him to calm down. It’s like, there’s this part of me that is silently Pleading with him to calm down. to be “normal” again. And it’s doing this because otherwise I’ll lose my mind. But to him, it doesn’t matter why I’m doing it, just that he feels the pressure to change, to do something other than what he feels inclined to do. so he rebels against that “pressure”.

I woke up with a Horribly tight neck and shoulders. I cried the next morning, because I’d been yelling at him at night, saying “I’ll see you in the morning! I sure do miss my boyfriend right now, don’t know where he went! There’s some nutjob here in my room instead, yelling and dancing and stumbling, but I won’t see my bf til the morning!” And then, in the morning, when it was “him” again, I cried. Cuz the whole episode hurt me terribly. I am, in the end, an Idealist. And that episode was Anything but ideal. Thing is, he really wasn’t that horrible. He was just dancing and laughing loud. Why did it Terrify me to the point of a feeling of raw fear? I felt Terrified, and that’s not an exaggeration. I was terrified of Why he was acting like that. I don’t like not getting things. And I don’t get how when someone looks at you like you’re nuts, you don’t even acknowledge it. you get louder! And not someone you hate. Your fiancé, is the one doing it. wouldn’t that make you want to simmer down a notch? Or, laugh? Or make fun of the fact that I’m all scared for no reason? I can take a joke, make fun of me for it. making light of the fear would make it lighter. But he just seemed to take it as a challenge. So I felt worse for reacting that way, which then turned into this feeling of guilt. He asked me to come sit by the radio w/ him, because he wanted to keep his mind off the job stuff, and just relax. And he wanted me to sit there w/ him. but he was so loud! It just made me cringe every time he laughed. The E’ness was terrifying me. I just wanted to plead w/ him to get into bed and sleep. But I could tell that he was relaxing. I just couldn’t stand being around it. He just got louder and louder. I didn’t know what to do to make him stop, but I wanted him to stop so badly. Thing is, he can get like this anytime he’s around friends. He’s just loud, and, oh god, the answer is so clear when I write it here. it’s just SUPEREGO problems all over the place.

Anyway, getting to the point, I cried. He got irritated. To the point where he resembled me the night before. Me crying makes him feel horrible. I cry because I feel weak, or am concerned, and it’s basically just whatever inner turmoil I have, bubbling over. But there’s always this underlying hope for me, that someone will just hold me and make it all ok. Because really, it’s rarely based in any rational fear. It’s just a “what are we doing here?” “why is there so much sadness in the world?” “why does the world scare me?” “what if we don’t make it?” “do you know how much I’d miss you if you weren’t here?” These are the things going through my head when I end up tearing up. and then, at these moments, I want SO badly, to look into your eyes, and have you see how much I’m hurting, and just want to calm me down. I need to be calmed down at these times so bad. I know no one has answers to these questions, but just to hold me, and not take it seriously. I don’t want to concern you more, and want to know that these fears I have are insignificant, and will never effect us. that it doesn’t get to you that I have random fears. That it won’t effect you.

Not gonna happen apparently w/ an ESTP. He feels like SH*T when I cry. We almost broke up about 3 times this weekend. He looks at me like I’m nuts when I cry. He’s like, “why are you crying? What did I do?” “you didn’t do anything! I don’t know, just…” And I try to go in for a hug, cuz that’s all I need and I’ll shut up. just hug me, protect me. calm me. be stronger than I am. show me that the things that terrify me, don’t get to you at all. But he can’t. I know these things don’t get to him, but he can’t accept that they get to me. We’re so torn today. I want to cry all the time. I don’t know how we got to this point. It’s breaking my heart. He’s met my parents, we live together. We have two cars together, and a bedroom set we make payments on. I feel like my hopes and dreams are falling down around me. I had a panic attack last night, I webmd’d it. I have chest pain, and thought I was losing my mind. I don’t know how to deal w/ this. I feel like if we break up, it will be because I cry. And I know I’ll only cry more when we break up. should I go to a therapist and try to work us out? should I let the whole thing go, and just go on some sexy, ISTP (SLI) search. How will I deal w/ this loss? Should I try to get Prozac or something, so I can numb the irrational fear and pain I feel? Will that help? Am I lying to myself? Will we always end up in this same position? What if I actually have kids with the guy. What then? Post pardum depression?? Who will work me through that? this relationship, if it fails, will devastate us both, because we’ve both put so much into it. He cooks, and cleans, and buys me flowers, and rubs my back, and goes to movies w/ me that he hates, and goes to all girls parties, cuz I invite him. and I keep our place spotless, and make him a priority, and make dinner, and have turned into a housewife. He’s motivated me to get a better job, and to stick to it, and motivates me to finish my psychology degree, and wants to help me do so, and is so generous, and gives money to whoever needs it, whenever. And he admires how kind I am, and always tells his friends and family how we hate to argue, and how we just get along so well. and it’s usually so true! We both respect and adore eachother as people. we have idealized eachother for over a yr. I love him. I love the little things he does. How I wake up at 4 am and his feet are searching inadvertently through the sheets for mine. How when we get ready for bed, he brings me my slippers in the bathroom so my feet don’t get cold on the tile, or he’ll prep my toothbrush w/ toothpaste, or just randomly start washing my hair in the shower. Or hug me when we’re in line somewhere, or just look into my eyes and tell me how beautiful my eyes are, or just how beautiful I am. he makes me feel like a princess 90% of the time.

But the thing is, as he does these things, my automatic response, is to tear up. it brings tears to my eyes sometimes how sweet he is, I teared up right now, just writing that. I tear up when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when the emotion or beauty of something overwhelms me, or even when I laugh to hard. But no matter what the reason is, just the fact that he sees tears in my eyes, makes him feel guilt. Makes him feel down on himself. Like I’m not getting enough from him. How horrible is that? I inadvertenly make him feel bad. and then, when I see him feeling bad, I feel worse! Cuz I know it’s because of my reactions. But I love the kid so damn much!! It’s not that he does anything horrible to the point of me not loving him any more. I still love him immensely. That’s what’s so horrible! This idea of us not working out, is ripping apart my heart. It’s tearing it apart thread by thread. We’ve become so intertwined. And I do respect and love him so much as a person. We just can’t, for the life of us, make eachother truly happy. And that’s all either of us really want to do. See the other one completely happy. But the thing is, neither of us know what the HELL to do w/ eachother’s weaknesses. Where we want to help, and where it hurts us to see the other person hurting, they’re just acting so WEIRD in those moments, it scares us. and rather than show love and acceptance when we need it most, we come off hard, cold, and uncaring. COMPLETELY inadvertently. This whole thing is breaking my heart. I can’t imagine my life without him anymore, but the thought of being w/ someone who cannot/will not calm me, understand me inner fears, terrifies me. I know I will be an emotional wreck, worse than now, down the line. Like I said. After a baby, after 2, 3 kids. Mid life crisis? If you can’t handle my random fears now, how the hell will you deal w/ those train wrecks later??

Then there’s the other things. He doesn’t like birthdays. Or valentines. He doesn’t like giving or receiving gifts these days. he doesn’t like theme parks, or doing random things, just on a whim. But at the same time, he’s not one for big planned events. He doesn’t seem to enjoy anything, really. Accept sitting w/ friends, exchanging concrete stories. I get bored out of my MIND in these groups. “remember the time?” “this one time..” “I can top that, remember when??” shut the eff up. who cares? What are you even talking about any more, and why are you all talking?? Oh god, it hurts my head. The only time we’re really good together, I suppose is when we are both dancing, we do enjoy that, or when we’re both in bed, watching tv, snuggling, or just the two of us, SOBER. Or maybe I should rephrase the first part of that sentence to read “the only time I’m really happy is”. Those are the moments I wait for. The moments I endure everything else for. I try so hard to put a good spin on things. And I am naturally optimistic, to a fault, so I rrreaally don’t like giving up on things. There’s so much good! So much love! Many little things I would miss enormously. Really, I just don’t know how I would go on. I don’t know if I would be motivated to keep working, or, function at all. I have no idea how I would sleep. I don’t know how to sleep alone anymore. I don’t know how to, nor if I want to, give it up, or if I could even deal w/ the loneliness afterwards, or the thinking about how he’s feeling. I couldn’t handle it being my fault. Because I cry?? Because I want a valentine’s gift? I read somewhere about how ENFP’s cannot fault people for things they do inadvertently. Welp, I can’t fault him for anything. His motives are always pure and sweet. Having two E’s or two I’s makes for an even plane, right? So we both feel like we’re equals.

Oh what a mess. What a great big huge mess. And what a gigantic venting-fest. Or more correctly, ramble-fest. But I always ramble, I suppose. Sorry.