I caught my body playing tricks on me today.
I've no reason to be sad or down, and I was feeling great all day, but then this afternoon, I started feeling really down, and sort of anxious. My mood was shifting really oddly. This happeneded yesterday, too. I was sitting here at my desk, and nothing seemed right. Everything was horrible, and it was slipping into a depression of sorts. I went through the web, my favorite places, and nothing seemed right - nothing was interesting. Yet only an hour or so before, everything was perfectly normal, but something was coming over me. I didn't know what to do - should I go out and do something? I said I was going to go for a jog this morning, but I had to cancel that. Maybe I should do that. Maybe I should work on doing this for this class? No, I don't really need to. ............. all that weird internal dialouge, and general just "not" knowing what I wanted to do at all. I was trying all the peices to the puzzle, but nothing was working.
I was blinded for a while, because I actually "felt" something, and couldn't logically see through it. So then I got up, moved around a little bit not knowing what to do, and then kind of felt guided towards my bed, so I just sat there. I was there, thinking..... "damn, this really sucks - I can't believe I'm feeling this way", something to that effect, and it was a sort of odd, negative downward spiral, which is completely ludacris for me. My confidence even began giving out a little bit, and I was starting to doubt some things, in an emotional way. For no real reason, either. So I was really feeling bad, to be honest.
I, mockingly, grabbed a book from my desk and brought it over to my bed, as I laid back down, just to look like I was doing something, because I don't really..... just lay there, you know... .... right.
Eventually I dozed off a little bit, but not all the way, so I was sort of just cat naping for a half an hour. I realized then it was 6pm, and that I should probably go eat something, because I was thinking about it 40 minutes ago, and didn't really act on it. Awakening from my pseudoslumber/nap, I also reached an awakend state of enlightement, and exclaimed vigerously, (in my head) :
"F-WHAT the FUCK?!"
I realized what the hell was wrong.
NOthing was wrong with me, or my damn thought processes - it's this stupid, pathetic body I was really pissed. Because I was wondering what I was doing wrong, and then I realized that it was just because I haven't gotten enough sleep that last few nights. Going through 2 full days with 5 hours of sleep each night really fucked me over, and figuring it out - realizing taht I wasn't aware of it.... that just irrateted me. It was slightly embarrasing, for myself, to be honest (I don't mind sharing it here, though, because I think it's rather fitting in an INTj way).
So I got out of bed, and, having realized the issue directly, totally snapped out of my stuper and got my aura back, and then got some food to"hold me over".
The point of this story is - things like eating and sleeping are a real pain in the ass. But I guess I have to play by the things I can't control, and work on getting the proper amount if sleep. It makes a huge difference, I realize. More so now that I'm here in college, and living my life almost completely independantly (in regards of making sure I eat, sleep, and do what I need to do. The means are there - and that's what I consider this a vacation- but I still have to go through with it and actually eat and sleep, etc). I guess, in all reality, it's better I learn this now. As with any new development, there are a lot of little things you have to learn. Like making sure you have this or that, that you have enough time to do everything in that wonderful way where you have that aura of definitness - and can maintain it without having to rush or hurry. (Isn't it awesome when you can just carry that through the whole day? It takes some planning, though, but....... hey - that's part of it all)
I wanted to write this all out here, essentially as a journal entry, just to reinforce it in my mind, and maybe share it with some fellow people, perhaps who will find it interesting or useful. Even INTjs need to eat, and get enough sleep.... which pissed me off the most because I was really thinking I was beginning to step completely out of base human existance but this was a bit of a slap in the face. GRRR!