Went to see a counsellor up at Gisborne this week. Nothing major, just wanted to confirm some things about whether or not I had a case of depression. Never did get a straight answer about it; spent most of the time trying to describe why I can't disconnect myself from people easily, why I feel the need to always play the white knight, fix things for the people I'm close to. Nice conversation. Don't often talk to people who understand it easily. Maybe I'm just not good at explaining it most of the time. Not surprising. Have a hard enough time making sense of it all at the best of times.
Spent most of my time since then thinking. Good things in life, suggested by counsellor. Didn't help much; diamond in a coal vein still obscured by blackness. Regrets piling up, as usual. Worry about future, trying to find something important to do. Don't even get rejection letters, just nothingness. No money for certifications, no experience, would burn out in university, assuming even got in. Just want to help. Fell apart at work, stabbed in back. Trying to keep up, tired of flinching away from whipcracks that don't fall. So tired. Almost prefer being yelled at, can hate then at least. Not good enough, letting people down. Letting me down. Too many god damned obvious patterns. Why can't the rest see? Stop the dance and just be HAPPY, fuck. Can hardly talk, I guess. Wallowing in misery. Need to raise baseline emotion, but how? Surrounded by happy people? Have enough trouble talking to people as it is, couldn't bear being reminded of lack. Fight through mud, drag self up by bootstraps. Odd phrase. Rocket-activation pulley, perhaps. Got no fuel, though. Hate this. Too many damned secrets, too much honour (Self-delusion? Easier to cling to, at least) to make it all right. Prettiest mosaics do start out as broken pottery though. Ha. "Give me a big enough hammer and I can fix the world!" Aristotle would laugh. Must find more... elegant solution though.
But, have to be happy. Too much to lose. Can't make that mistake again. Made the boss laugh til she cried today. Made it worse when she had to tell me I wasn't up to scratch later, but was nice while it lasted. Head seems to be getting back in order, now. Hardly mixing up words at all. Just have to think before speaking. Perhaps record exceeding playback buffer? Ha. Too much credit. Smart person would not be in current situation.
Need to get out. House is stifling me, tired of being yelled at. Expected to pay for new tires on falcon. Apparently wheelspin on gravel = instant baldness. Seem fine to me. Suspicion that is merely another attempt at hooks. Will tear out flesh if have to. Weights, anchors. Stuck in one place. Almost afraid of what would happen, though. high-pressure fish explodes when leaving depths, so used to crushing weight. Float like a butterfly, sting like a fugu. Still, point is moot. Can't get out of house until have somewhere to move to. Love grandmother, but would drive me insane. rent only option, but proving troublesome. Would rent to me if I were not me, but not to know I guess. Just need patience, endurance. In enduring, grow strong. Ha. Fragile. Could die for a hug, touch, contact. not right to expect it, but still craving. Would think I'd learned by now. Easier this way, I guess. Not fair to get jealous.
Still, happy. Silver linings. Have friends. Some more removed than others, disappearing into nowhere and making me worry, but still. Treasure. Have first week of January off. Have to work new year's eve to cover it, but finish at eight so not that big a deal really. Still get out in time for party, with any luck. Ha. Can't end any worse than the last one. Fun, being sober. Still can't trust being drunk. Lose control, lose... everything. Important.
Can't have been for nothing. God, too Quixotic by far to lose that way. Appropriate, though.
Time will tell.