Okay so seeing as that practically the whole world is telling me that I don't exist, I'm using this blog to organize my thoughts as to why I think I'm an enneagram four.
It's been a while since I've read most of the things that made me think I was a four and I don't even remember a lot of my reasoning but the16types is beckoning so here I go....
I'm gonna keep adding more and more stuff.
Here's the first bit of stuff:
Why I’m not a 9:
http://www.ocean-moonshine.net/e1428...position=36:36
“Nines are also not in search of an authentic self or the proper presentation of that self; they are generally somewhat oblivious to these concerns. Finally, Nines tend to relate well to a greater variety of people than do Fours, who often feel like misfits.”
I am most definitely in search of my authentic self and how to present that self. I often feel frustrated at my inability to portray my real self to others. All of those close to me have heard me say “You don’t really know me”…and that’s because I feel that I haven’t been able to show them the real me.
I relate to this vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBWyBZLDwCE
It’s not so strong in me now because I have put a lot of effort into consciously working on being more realistic and not expecting so much from people but I still strongly identify with what she was saying. I crave depth intensely. I crave intimacy. I was miserable for years in high school because I didn’t have the intimacy that I wanted and I would get so jealous, whether I’d admit to it or not, when I saw others with deep/close relationships. I identify with everything she said. I want to feel the most intense kind of feeling I can and I want to experience the most intimate intimacy possible. As intimate as you can possibly get, that’s what I want.
I also fantasized about my rescuer. Someone who I would have that insanely close connection with. Someone who, when I got to that place of intimacy with I would be finally happy.
I completely identify with having this ideal self that I thought up in my head that I strive to be. It wasn’t always the same. My idea of what exactly that ideal self was did change over the years but what didn’t change was that I was (whether it be conscious or subconscious. Looking back I realized I was doing it even when at the time I didn’t realize that I was doing it.) always striving to fit into the mold of my ideal self. For the longest time I thought that one day I would finally be this ideal self and have the feeling of “Ahh finally I am that unique and amazing person who I need to be so that I will be loved and accepted.” However now I relate to it differently. This site:
http://www.enneagrambook.com/uncateg...-deal-with-it/ helped me to realize that my ideal self doesn’t really exist or matter and that even if I do get myself to be like my ideal self it won’t be that “I have arrived” feeling that I thought it would be. Well actually despite the fact that I’ve realized it I still catch myself trying to figure out who I want and need to be in the back of my head.