Tired of SEI-ISFp's hot-cold thing

[redbaron]

It's not like I need him to always be warm, I was just wondering what the status of the relationship is. But, you know, I realized that it doesn't matter. Right now it feels like he doesn't want to cut things off forever but that he's keeping me at a distance, which is okay. Last night he was warm & we talked, he asked me some questions and we laughed a little bit. But it was probably for a total of 5 minutes, if that. It was kinda funny cause he had ridden his bicycle and my other friend (SLE) rode his motorcycle. So I got on the back of the motorcycle and we passed the SEI on his bike. I think the SEI was like "huh?"

(As an IEI, I probably do think about these things too much and take it too much to heart. Trying to let it go...)

[aka-kitsune]

I mean if someone just seems to ignore me out of nowhere, I can often think that they want to be ignored. But what about when they start talking negatively about you behind your back? If someone has a problem with you, is it your responsibility to find out what that problem is.

This can be a difficult proposition for an IEI, though. If someone I care about seems to ignore me out of nowhere, I tend to feel immediate concern that our bond is threatened. If they're being friendly to everyone else but me (been there), I know I'm not just paranoid. They've got an issue with ME. But I can also feel afraid to find out what the issue is, because in the past, it's lead to rejection, arguments that ended friendships, etc. That "feeling" of dread from past experiences comes rushing back and I become frozen with fear that finding out the problem will initiate the same sequence of events.

So I just wait for cues and hope they care enough to come to me to discuss and resolve the situation.

[redbaron]

This can be a difficult proposition for an IEI, though. If someone I care about seems to ignore me out of nowhere, I tend to feel immediate concern that our bond is threatened. If they're being friendly to everyone else but me (been there), I know I'm not just paranoid. They've got an issue with ME. But I can also feel afraid to find out what the issue is, because in the past, it's lead to rejection, arguments that ended friendships, etc. That "feeling" of dread from past experiences comes rushing back and I become frozen with fear that finding out the problem will initiate the same sequence of events.

So I just wait for cues and hope they care enough to come to me to discuss and resolve the situation.

Yeah I agree although 95% of the time I can figure out on my own what the issue is and work to resolve it in an easy way. For example, on several occasions in the past, this same SEI I've been talking about, avoided me and acted really funny--I could tell something was wrong but I guessed that it was because he thought I was mad at him. So by simply showing him that I wasn't mad, everything was fixed. Often, with SEIs, when they hide from you it's because they don't want confrontation or conflict. So when dealing with him, I was careful to show him that things are okay.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that that friendship was a fair bit of work on my part. I should be happy to see it go. And yet.

[aka-kitsune]

Yeah I agree although 95% of the time I can figure out on my own what the issue is and work to resolve it in an easy way. For example, on several occasions in the past, this same SEI I've been talking about, avoided me and acted really funny--I could tell something was wrong but I guessed that it was because he thought I was mad at him. So by simply showing him that I wasn't mad, everything was fixed. Often, with SEIs, when they hide from you it's because they don't want confrontation or conflict. So when dealing with him, I was careful to show him that things are okay.

Don't know much 'bout SEIs... but I do know that my ILI friend behaves similarly. When she thinks I'm angry with her, she withdraws from contact and gets very quiet. I can do the "everything's jake" overture and all will be well. I was speaking more about situations of attraction for me, which are very charged with emotion because I place a great deal of significance and importance on them. I can't seem to relax in romance at all.

With friends, I'm generally able to be more easygoing and don't necessarily worry that one issue will be a breaker. I'm still somewhat anxious to resolve it and get past the discomfort and sense of separation, but not to the point of fixation.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that that friendship was a fair bit of work on my part. I should be happy to see it go. And yet.

I'm very resistant to the idea that friendships or relationships should not take "work". Not saying this definitely applies to your situation, but I think we IEIs may be more inclined than other types to tackle difficult relationships if we perceive there is a value to be gained. Perhaps an archetypal lesson to be learned. At least I'm willing to go wherever I feel there's something really important about the nature of the connection that might teach me about the other person and/or myself.

When I feel there is no longer anything of value for me, I can terminate the connection.

[redbaron]

Don't know much 'bout SEIs... but I do know that my ILI friend behaves similarly. When she thinks I'm angry with her, she withdraws from contact and gets very quiet. I can do the "everything's jake" overture and all will be well. I was speaking more about situations of attraction for me, which are very charged with emotion because I place a great deal of significance and importance on them. I can't seem to relax in romance at all.

With friends, I'm generally able to be more easygoing and don't necessarily worry that one issue will be a breaker. I'm still somewhat anxious to resolve it and get past the discomfort and sense of separation, but not to the point of fixation.

I'm very resistant to the idea that friendships or relationships should not take "work". Not saying this definitely applies to your situation, but I think we IEIs may be more inclined than other types to tackle difficult relationships if we perceive there is a value to be gained. Perhaps an archetypal lesson to be learned. At least I'm willing to go wherever I feel there's something really important about the nature of the connection that might teach me about the other person and/or myself.

When I feel there is no longer anything of value for me, I can terminate the connection.

I think (and still think) there is value to be gained, things we can both learn from this friendship. But the ball's in his court now. Yeah, I am probably more drawn to relationships that require some work than those that are easy. In another thread I mentioned an SLE boyfriend I had way back when and that little romance was almost too easy for me. Because it didn't require any work on my part, it was easy to let go! Weird huh. It was almost too comfortable or something. Are we gluttons for punishment or what?

[aka-kitsune]

Are we gluttons for punishment or what?

That's certainly what others have told me...

I tend to think we just follow our hearts. If you learn something or can see the experience as meaningful, then I don't see how it's not valuable.

[redbaron]

That's certainly what others have told me...

I tend to think we just follow our hearts. If you learn something or can see the experience as meaningful, then I don't see how it's not valuable.

I absolutely agree.

[aka-kitsune]

I absolutely agree.

Identicals.
<3

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request

[redbaron]

lol, you are surely a feeling type and i won't be so drastic to you in the future.

redbaron, aka-kitsune - nice to have so much info about IEI - SEI direct relationship.
i ask myself, would IEI leave such ones or will they suffer this forever?

I ask myself the same. just kidding. in this case, I've already told him that my doors are open to him and quite honestly, I think he hopes we can be friends again someday. But that will depend on his marriage. So I don't really need to worry about it. I think that I do get pretty attached to people so unless it's really bad for some reason, I'll hold on. Like aka said, if there are things you can learn and it's still beneficial, I'll stay on. But if the bad outweighs the good, then it's probably time to move on. Really hard though for IEI to be the one to cut the ties. I broke up with my ESE husband once when we were dating. I took him back when he asked out to Les Miserable and dinner. I'm so easy, LOL!

[confused84]

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be. Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online. I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right. I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around. Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex, far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters. Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it. But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be.

This was never a good thing.

Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online.

That's their choice.

I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right.

Women have just a right as men.

I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around.

I hate it when they do that crap, dress like a women damn it.

Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex,

Women should be feminine but not weaker. I don't think the should be stronger either.

far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters.

It's alright to have a nice career but in should never get in the way of the ones they love. If her baby is at child care when she has more then enough money to support it, Then I agree with you.

If here relationship is on the brink of collapse because she is putting her career before her partner. Then I agree with you.

Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it.

That because it is an accepted thing not so have children now. Before society would not really let them have a choice.

Also that's great for me I don't want children either.

But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want

That's called manipulation and that can be done by both male and female.
Most men tolerate this. I won't.

foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

Some women think they can get more than they deserve they think that even though they are plain looking that they can get the handsome looking man that years ago only very attractive women could have a chance with.

Or

Some of these men are the scum of the earth and they women put up with it anymore.

I used to think like you until I realized that we have become selfish human beings who won't give an inch and who give up too quick.

That's why the divorce rate is up.

[Satan]

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be.

This was never a good thing.

There was order.

Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online.
That's their choice.

Isn't that part of the problem. Women think that they should have choices.

I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right.
Women have just a right as men.

Who says.

I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around.
I hate it when they do that crap, dress like a women damn it.

Japanese school girls dress in miniskirts. How do you think that makes men see them.

Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex,
Women should be feminine but not weaker. I don't think the should be stronger either.

What's all this about should. WOMEN ARE WEAKER. If they're not there's something wrong with them.

far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters.

It's alright to have a nice career but in should never get in the way of the ones they love. If her baby is at child care when she has more then enough money to support it, Then I agree with you.

Career woman aren't very attractive.

If here relationship is on the brink of collapse because she is putting her career before her partner. Then I agree with you.

Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it.

If a women prefers to not have children, then what's her point for being on this earth.

That because it is an accepted thing not so have children now. Before society would not really let them have a choice.
Also that's great for me I don't want children either.

What does that make you.

But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want

That's called manipulation and that can be done by both male and female.
Most men tolerate this. I won't.

Girls have always been manipulative. I don't get why it's being said that this is a new thing.

foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

Some women think they can get more than they deserve they think that even though they are plain looking that they can get the handsome looking man that years ago only very attractive women could have a chance with.

Or

Some of these men are the scum of the earth and they women put up with it anymore.

I used to think like you until I realized that we have become selfish human beings who won't give an inch and who give up too quick.

That's why the divorce rate is up.

[/quote]

You people are crazy!

Divorce rate is up because people don't have realtionships. They have partnerships. It's a business affair.

[confused84]

There was order.

Yes there was but at what cost.

Isn't that part of the problem. Women think that they should have choices.

No.

Who says.



Japanese school girls dress in miniskirts. How do you think that makes men see them.

How does it make men see them ?

What's all this about should. WOMEN ARE WEAKER. If they're not there's something wrong with them.

I am referring to strength of character she has the right not to put up with his garbage.

Career woman aren't very attractive.

I agree. but a women with a good job and a career women are different things.

If a women prefers to not have children, then what's her point for being on this earth.

To enjoy life to enrich others lives.

What does that make you.

Sensible.

Girls have always been manipulative. I don't get why it's being said that this is a new thing.

I never said that this was a new thing I said that men can be manipulative too.

You people are crazy!

Divorce rate is up because people don't have realtionships. They have partnerships. It's a business affair.

Why get married then why not just live together I am certain people get married with the best of intentions but throw in the towel when things get tough.
[/quote]

[Rubicon]

Gah. You guys are nitwits of the highest order.