I never have anything to write about myself and I never really have in my life. It makes me feel really stupid to even try. What times I've had to, I made up stuff because I didn't know what else to do. There are faint times it occurs to me to wonder who I am or what I'm doing, why am I here and how I got there. But whatever sporadic sparks of self-awareness I have crackle into oblivion before they can cohere into anything I'd care to express. I guess I'll start babbling.
I have no life story or sense of personal history, and I don't want one. Not that I don't remember events - I do with crystal clarity, but I'm simply not connected to them. I never have coherent plans for the future, only reckless gambles. I can't recall any major decision I've made in the last 20 years that I actually reasoned out, instead I make them on whims which only make sense to me as they occur. In the blink of an eye I've ended significant relationships and shifted job plans without any real prior thought. Sometimes I don't even make the decision persay, but quite simply wake up one day with a whole new outlook and mentality to everything. I can attach to nothing it seems, despite trying to force myself to at times - or at least I pretend to myself that I am attached... until I am sufficiently bored, naturally. In a way I envy those who can, since attachments seem to make their life more real. But I always know the truth, that none of it is real (at least for me), and so I never can take it seriously. I feel like my mind has long since become a graveyard of these playthings.
"Out of sight, out of mind" applies to me well. Within the awareness of the moment, my experiences are vivid and often enthralling as they are happening, only to be discarded without trace once they are past. And I need something again. I've probably seen a good deal between the spectrums of transcendental beauty and unspeakable nightmare; yet nothing lasts, nothing impacts, nobody influences. Not love, friendship, family, tragedy, triumph, guilt, desire, fulfillment, or regret. All fades into shadow, everyone and everything is invariably forgotten.
When I tell people irl some of these things, it's very perplexing and upsetting to them. On many occasions, people even start crying and it baffles me. I find it ridiculous because I figure that most people too are actually like what I described here, and that they just don't know it.