Originally Posted by
mercutio
I think it sometimes depends on the kid.
I remember talking about parenting styles with my father one time. And one thing that he said in a way was that it was necessary to be hard with me, when I was young.
I remember some of childhood; and he was a lot harder on me, than my brothers. I felt that it was unfair. That I was being singled out. Hell, when I was punished; I wanted to punish my brother. When my brother didn't behave as I wanted him to, I'd want to punish him.
I mean, I suppose I can understand in a way, that such things can bring a vicious cycle. But who wants to get punished? Who wants hard rules? I certainly didn't; and you know what I did? When I was young I *ignored*, or *repelled* against any limitations put upon me.
I found that some people would lose their nerve with me. Because they seemed to somehow expect to fall into compliance. Some teachers when I was young, would watch over me. They'd try to find something to fault on me. They'd pick on me. They'd do things like try and say if people around me were behaving badly it was *MY* fault.
It didn't matter what I'd done; it's what I didn't do. So if I had a friend who was mean to someone else, then the responsibility fell upon me. So I'd say that I wasn't responsibility for others actions. And sometimes they'd try to do things like tell me about being a role model. So yeah, I'd be like fuck that. I don't want to be a role model.
Anyway, at some point in time I realised that even if I don't do negative actions if I feel like doing negative actions; then it can incite other people. I'm not even sure how I realised such.
It's like if I had a bad mood - people could start talking about war, killing, revenge etc. And if I didn't say anything it's like I was encouraging such.
So I kind of learnt at one stage, that one could just start talking about "peace", and "love", and "happiness", and it's like people would decide that you were "gay" instead.
So then what? Yeah - I'm "gay", what are you going to do about it? "Eww you're gay" - Hangon haven't you already said that? Now you're just repeating yourself.
I suppose in the end I settled for "There's no need for war". And you know what happens when you say that? People try and come up with reasons for war!
They get creative. Someone said something nasty about me, I have to get back at them. Someone did something I didn't like, I have to get back at them. Someone doesn't speak nicely to me, I have to get back at them.
The thing is - if you go up to someone and say that they're being nasty - they'll act as if you're going to attack them, or that what you say is untrue or something, just to try and weasel themselves out of it. But once they realise that they can't weasel out. Sometimes they'll come around and admit. And kind of apologise in a murmer. Sometimes they'd rather apologise when no-ones around etc. They want to save face etc.
The thing is - often it's just dealing with what is there, that is necessary. You don't have to get back. You don't have to revenge. You just have to state the situation - and the other person will want a resolution.
Now I suppose in a way I was a kind of difficult kid. Because if someone said that I "hurt" them, then they were "overreacting", or "making big deals out of nothing. If someone said that I made them uncomfortable then that was "their problem", and if they weren't so "sensitive" they wouldn't get uncomfortable.
In a way if you approach someone - and they get ready to fight, and want to attack you, that means they're feeling threatened. If you haven't done anything wrong, then why do you feel threatened?
Anyway with most kids if they've been naughty - they want to be good. They don't understand why they've been naughty, because they want to be good. They just screwed up / didn't know what else to do / lost control of their emotions etc.
And so you have to teach them to stay in control of their emotions. To know what to do. And to pay attention to what they're doing.
It's like if someone says something's not their fault - it's better to explain to them clearly, in a level-headed way about what they did wrong. And how they can act in future so as to prevent such from happening. Then if you're lucky, when a similar situation happens again they'll tell you how they managed to deal with it better. And they'll come to you for advice when they have a problem that they're struggling to deal with.
The thing is - in this modern would most people don't have anyone to turn to. If you've done wrong, if you've been bad. Then you are bad, you are wrong. You can't trust anyone. They'll just "nab" on you. They don't want to get involved. They don't like the way that most discipline is sweeping. One person does something wrong - lots are punished. One minor misaction, and a gross misaction is conducted upon from you. It's not fair, but it's the way things go.
For instance, often when adults have personal issues they'll take it out on kids. Kids know that they adults are overreacting. Kids know that they haven't actually done anything wrong - that they're fine, but they'll be ostracized because they can't defend themselves.
And so with kids, I think it's important to not let your own issues get involved. You have to stay just within what the kid has done wrong, or right. Pay short sweet individual attention. And make the kid feel like they'll actually be listened to and not punished for speaking out.
Also one parenting thing I find sometimes that I severely disagree with is parents telling too many of their issues to their kids. Kids have enough to deal with,. they need to be protected. And developed on their own. And when kids can't do anything about a situation, there's no point in telling them. Often it's just done to kind of excuse bad behaviour. You should be able to seperate behaviour.
What else? Hmm,. Never mind. I'm ranting.