Originally Posted by
anndelise
During times of stress, yes, I feel alienated. I feel separated from friends, from family, from loved ones, from pets, from myself even. Is this an NeFi thing? I think it's probably more of a human thing.
One of the most common and non-consciously done actions that people do when under stress is to detach or disassociate from the stress, the situation/people causing the stress, life, emotions, etc. Somehow people have to relieve the stress, and detachment is a common coping mechanism.
Don't talk about ME, unless it's needed. Talk about the issue. Talk about the actions. Give me information you've heard. Describe to me a similar experience you had and how you solved it. Talk about the experience. But don't talk about ME. That's the surest way to get me to clam up. You want me to open up and share? Then I need you to share as well. If what you share resonates with what's going on with me, then I'll feel as if you might understand ME. If it doesn't resonate, then obviously there's no sense in my describing it to you. You give a little, then I'll give a little. As you progressively get deeper and closer to the issue, I'll progressively trust you more and more with this particular issue. But just because I share with you on one issue, doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly start sharing with you on all issues. And if I don’t share with you? It's nothing meant to be personal, or a criticism of you as a person. It just means that for this particular instance….there's no feeling of connection.
Another way of helping me is by asking me questions. Questions that are designed to help me clarify muddied up thoughts. Questions that go into which steps needed to be taken, and how those steps CAN be taken. What are some of the realistic things that I'm missing or skipping over, or flat out ignoring? What information do I need in order to take those steps…or to even figure out which steps need to be taken? Guide me by offering me information, but don't freakin tell me what to do.
If you can't help me that way, then help me by offering to take care of things that you CAN and are WILLING and perhaps even ENJOY taking care of. Take some of those demands off my shoulders. Guide me by offering info or questions on how I might delegate some of my responsibilities that need to be set aside while I’m figuring out this issue. You've got a sister who has kids the same age? See if the kids can have a few play dates during this stressful time period. This way I don't have to worry about my child's well being and social life, etc. You don't mind cooking? Offer to make me a few meals that can be frozen and pulled as needed so I don't have to deal with what to cook, when to eat, etc. If these mundane things are covered, then I can put more attention and energy into solving the problem. Maybe all you can do is help lessen the distractions. Turn the tv down low or even off. Keep the lights limited…or if I'm working on papers, make sure that I’m in a well lit area and not stressing my eyes. Reduce the amount of sensory input so that more energy can go into the mental efforts. And when I need a break, or especially when I feel a need to draw from someone else's energy reserves…let me feel free to wrap my arms around you, or seek comfort in your arms. Just hold me, caress me, play with my hair. If your breathing is calm, and your heartbeat slow and regular, mine will slow down to match. And as my stressed ones come to match your calm ones, I begin to feel more calm, and more energized, and eventually ready to put in some more effort. And if you start to feel the wetness of tears, don't freak out. Stay calm. When I'm ready, I'll talk about it. And if you're calm, then I can be calm too.
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