Gilly's Type Blog

[Gilly]

yes lol

[Gilly]

7/8 Morning

Today I don't really care about my type

I have been meditating this morning and have come to the conclusion that I need to be more purposeful in my daily practices of meditation. I am taking time away from chat and the forum, except to update here and check my PMs, in order to more fully dedicate my time to meditation and reading. I used this morning to be honest with myself about where I am and how I feel about it, and it's not good, so it's time for a little overhaul. I have been ignoring these feelings for too long, and it's time to do something about them.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Hmm.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

You intrigue me. Carry on.

[Gilly]

7/9 Morning

Meditating not going so well. Still feeling cloudy-headed and mildly irritable. I'm hoping that things look up as the day goes on. BAD makes me think I'm gay but my therapist said I'm not and all of the gay men I know think I'm straight SO I MUST BE STRAIGHT SO HA!

I feel that this is a good opportunity to say "fuck you" to all of the jackoffs who tried to tease me about being "gay" when I was a little kid because I was emotional and not good at sports and in touch with my feminine side (cut me some slack, I have an older sister and a feminist mom ). Having been labeled as such by my peers when younger is really the only reason that I ever feel insecure about my sexuality (unless I'm REALLY fucking repressed and have even MORE self-loathing than I think I do [which is already a lot], because I've been over this with my therapist and most of the people I know well enough to feel comfortable talking about it with, and nobody who knows me seems to ACTUALLY think that I'm gay). Honestly, if I were gay, I would love to admit it, because I've got a lot of anger issues and I feel like realizing something I would have kept deep down like that would probably relieve me from a lot of the unnecessary stress that I go through on a daily basis. But eh, I think men are pretty gross as far as sexuality goes, and really I think I'm more worried about people THINKING I'm gay than actually being gay.

So yeah. FUCK YOU, grade school.

Anyways.

It is 7:30 AM and I still have to eat breakfast and shower and get to work by 8 so I will have to finish my thoughts later today. Peace and love.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I too have an older sister and a feminist mom. Omg she annoys me because she acts like such a stereotypical smothering mom to a gay son and it bugs me. I realize she'd be like that no matter what but it just is grating. (her sister is also assertive and confident and yet her kids are straight)

I think we're drawn to each other not because of an orientation but because of a soul connection... so you might be a little gay if you are so worried about it but so what? I too HATED sports with a passion omg! And I got called queer too and I actually am queer as in male homosexual. Difference is I don't think it's strange or off-putting or awkward but something beautiful that helps move humanity along. It's not an insult they were just jealous of your powers.

Uh most men's bodies are gross to me too actually. But if you really like somebody you could fuck a dude/have a dude fuck you couldn't you? It's not like I get hard sexually from every guy I see. And I too... well thought I was straight, but I just got over it. Not that there's anything wrong with heterosexuality I just umm think that all those epic big important moments we want are rooted in the power of the ancient homo. Even though it sounds like something you mock/laugh at it's actually very serious and important to me, but as it's kind of my religion maybe I should respect others and keep it to myself more- cause dang I hate the way fundies treat me with all the anti-gay crap! Oh who am I kidding. I'm right and they're wrong, so they're going down- empathy be damned. I mean people will always forget aristole's kids but most people remember his ideas and teachings.

Oh and to the breeder who left a diaper on my sidewalk this morning: Fuck you. Seriously. And yeah this actually happened I wish I was kidding.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

BAD makes me think I'm gay but my therapist said I'm not and all of the gay men I know think I'm straight SO I MUST BE STRAIGHT SO HA!

*smiles* You are the world's most powerful gay man, the one that will make all our dreams come true. Embrace your homosexuality and save the planet from its destructiveness. We can join the force together! Come my brother and lets hold hands and levitate while creepy music plays in the background. Everything you want to happen needs to happen. You know you are something special. You are only better than the people you are better than, my childe. You are a powerful gay male shaman like me.

The more you resist your destiny, the more you convince yourself how straight you are, the more the real self will emerge inevitable and we can be those angry pissed off and volatile queers we all need to be. I am gay and I see the light. You think you are straight but you are not. We are in this together. We are drawn together for a purpose.

The rest of the gay boys convince you you are straight because they don't want to SEE my childe... see the power we can hold if we work together.... They are afraid of their love because everything they really know deep down might be true, my childe! If all guys that feel emasculated and weaker for being different, if we all come together and yet respected our differences still, and created a supernova of rainbow bliss that took the world by storm. Shocked/surprised people in a way that only gay men can do....

Woof!

And yeah all gay boys think men are icky, duh. They have cooties, and girls are our friends- but we really want to be touched that way by a man. Not just that that way but that that that way too. In such a deep profound, soul-drenching way that we can't stand it. The manliness we yearn... the true sense of male-hood not a fake image.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Do not kill yourself or feel too down young one... brother! We must unite together. Look at how beautiful and handsome Robert Reed was... how much his own power, his own gayness tortured his very soul. It doesn't matter how successful you are or what you earn... if you do not meet more men that can nourish that side of your spirit... how can it grow? I understand... you might feel it cheapens things, to step into the light.... it's true that all gay men have a death wish but just like Buffy's Slayer Power, it's rooted in darkness. Embrace the darkness.... so you can find the light my childe! I like talking like I'm some all-knowing Gay God because well, I am!

This isn't about our jobs (but just think of the cash- everybody always draws in for the gay thing) but about our divine purpose.

You are really beyond your therapist. You are better than him and deep down you know it. You are playing a game with him. I know this because I too had many therapists, been in many group homes/mental health places and shit. It was all a fucking game I was playing.

You are not meant to abide by rules. You are meant to change them... to create something truly visionary. You wouldn't be fucked up on drugs before if you weren't. You need to see the gay side, the special lands that you thought couldn't exist that were 'too gay' that the real world doesn't act like that etc. But they are all true!

It's so beautiful to find ourselves and lie down in bed peaceful and happy for once that we found a Kindred Spirit? And I have no reason to believe that you are not this special, my childe- because well.. uh. You just are. Sorry losing steam here... well we must now rest and converse our magical energies so we can align the world to our masterful gay liking.

They won't know what hit them I promise. *wicked grin*