Gilly's Type Blog

[Gilly]

If you wanna play, ePSXe is the emulator I'm using and it's pretty common, I think; the MR2 rom is hard to find but I can always host it on putfile or something if you can't find it.

[munenori2]

Mune likes taking care of monsters because he is SiFe

If you wanna play, ePSXe is the emulator I'm using and it's pretty common, I think; the MR2 rom is hard to find but I can always host it on putfile or something if you can't find it.

I shall have to consult my interwebs then.

[Gilly]

Morning 7/18

Listening to some cool classical Indian music. I was listening to that Beatles song "Within You Without You" with the harmonium and shit, and I just had this urge to listen to more of that kind of stuff, so I went on Rhapsody and found some. It's very soothing. Very relaxing.

So my landlady called me the other day and told me that she has to rent my room because I haven't given her an answer yet. This is kind of a bummer because not only am I possibly not leaving Williamsburg before my rent is up, but I also get along really well with this landlady. I think she is LIE-Ni or EIE-Ni; she reminds me somewhat of Joy actually, lol.

I really want to buy these Rainbow flip flops they have in the store in the shopping plaza near my apartment, but I'm not sure if I have the money. I want to buy a big moleskin sketchbook online, too, and I'm not sure I can afford to do both considering that I might be moving soon. However I think I'm probably going to end up putting my gas money for heading back up north on a credit card (if I do go); I've been doing all of my money, even rent, in either cash or debit card form, so I think I need to build up a little credit. Might help if I ever intend on actually buying a house or something...unless I pay for it in cash

I worry about money a lot, I think. I mean, I have the money for the things I want usually, but between trying not to buy things I don't need and saving up for moving, I feel kind of guilty when I think about buying nice things for myself. Like, I want them, and I don't feel like I don't deserve them or anything, but I just feel anxious about whether, when the time comes, I will have enough money to do what I've set out to do.

Assfat. Buttmunch. Glubity globbit gloo bleep. FUCK. I like cheese.

...

I have to work at the book store today. I always feel anxious on days that I have to work at the book store. I don't like it. Thank GOD I'll be done with it by mid-August. It's just so BORING; like how can my manager expect me to be upbeat and productive when all we're doing is putting books on shelves? What the hell is THAT to get excited about? I mean I guess it's her career so she kind of has to, or at least it must excite her somewhat, but it's just such a quiet atmosphere that it makes me naturally inclined to be lazy. Plus I expected the job to be really laid back; if I hadn't expected to be sitting around reading and that kind of shit it probably wouldn't have been this bad. In fact I think that is probably the biggest problem: it's just so much different from what I expected.

Expectations are a weakness of mine. Instead of like positively visualizing my desired outcome and trying to make it happen, sometimes I just kind of assume that everything will work out like I want it to and when it doesn't I get frustrated. I mean, I try to develop reasonable expectations, but once they are set and they get violated, I feel really vulnerable and let down or something. Unprepared, mabe.

Last night was really depressing. My whole family basically made it known to me that they are entirely nonsupporting of my efforts to come back up north and be with my friends. I think my mom is mostly just scared, but I feel like everyone is just trying to tell me what they think is best without attempting to be in my shoes for a minute...like, I miss my friends, I have basically no social life where I am now because, as I've mentioned before, I don't want to have a hard time leaving/feel stuck/tied down here. Or maybe that's just an excuse for me to be totally unmotivated to make friends for some other reason. Whatever. The point is that they don't seem to REALLY get where I am coming from. My sister actually KNOWS what my motivations are, and doesn't think it's a good idea, but I don't think she fully understands somehow...maybe I am just rationalizing. I really think my friends want my help, though; a couple of them NEED my help, I know it, but talking to my sister makes me doubt whether they will actually receive it well. Maybe I should talk to them and find out. In fact I am doing it right now.

[Gilly]

7/18 Nighttime Update

Bleh, another day off tomorrow...I mean, I'm not really complaining, per se, because it will be nice to chill but I can't help but wonder what kind of effect it will have on my ability to enjoy work/concentrate fully, when the time comes for me to go back. I worked at the book store today and my ability to concentrate was significantly diminished, and I attribute it to having 3 of the last 5 days off; tomorrow will see me having had 4 of the last 6 days off. I feel like I was just getting into a good groove and am hoping that I haven't completely fallen off the horse when I go back to work on Sunday. Well, I work the next 6 days straight after that; plenty of time to get back on

I just saw the Dark Knight. Fucking awesome. I'm not one to sensationalize about someone just because they are dead, but let me tell you: Heath Ledger played a fucking EPIC joker. Best villain I can remember ever having seen in a movie.

Here's a little poem I just wrote that was somewhat inspired by a line (which makes up the first two of this poem) that the movie helped me think of.

Full Circle

I want to see
The thin-lipped arrogance
Ripped from your face
Like inconsequential rogue hairs
Stripped by a fearfully-ripped band-aid
Off the wound
That you are to this earth
And my life.

I want to see
Your shit-eating grin
Make good on its name
And fall, pearly whites first,
Into the steaming pile
To end all steaming piles
And watch you recoil in horror
As you feel what I feel.

At that moment,
I want you to look into my eyes
And feel the pain that you
Are afraid to face.
See it.
Own it.
And maybe you, too,
Will think about bringing a little good
Into the world that hurts you.

And you will know both the joy
And the pain
Of trying to do what you feel
Is good.
Is right.
Is what I am here to do.
And I live every minute of it
And I have learned to love it.

Maybe you can, too,
Without a lit cigarette
Propped between those arrogant thin lips,
Wearing that shit-eating grin,
Just taking what you can
And never worrying
About giving back;
Just about what might be taken.


copyright lol

[Gilly]

7/19 Nighttime Update

Another lazy day...did a little writing, drawing, reading, movie-watching. I watched A Beautiful Mind. For some reason whenever I watch movies like that or Pi I always feel really unstable...bleh creepy. I just identify with the characters somewhat and what with history of drug use and mental health problems...it just makes me think funny thoughts I guess.


So in Monster Rancher I got a combining item that you can use when combining them to turn them into, guess what? A Joker! I named him Ledge, h3h.

[Gilly]

7/20 - Morning Update

I'm looking at my journal where I make all my little sketches and write stuff and I just came across this one drawing of this weird vision that I had yesterday. In my mind, I was on top of this canopy-type thing of vines and branches, and there was an opening, about the size on a manhole, in it, through which I looked and saw a giant dinosaur, something resembling a brontosaurus, running frantically back and forth about 50-100 feet below the opening of the hole. When I tried to draw it, it came out as a circle of leaves and branches with this odd wiggly slit down the middle (intended to be the dinosaur) and, more than anything, looks like a leafy vagina

I envy my sister. I was over her house the other day and saw her and her husband in this amazing groove in their work; he was upstairs composing away, while she was in her studio downstairs working on her latest series of drawings for a piece that she was offered by a conductor in Washington state who wanted visual art to go along with his presentation of a classical piece, as well as a new large painting (her own independent work) that I really love so far. I wish I had the kind of talent and dedication to a form of expression that the two of them have found. I would love to find a niche in the art world but I am always frustrated, dissapointed, and discouraged by my own creations; I never seem to get much of anywhere, whether it be writing, drawing, singing, etc.

Oh well, self pity isn't going to change my situation. I want to take voice lessons when I get out to Oregon and try to find/make a band; that would be really amazing. And I am plodding along: my little sketches are not HORRIBLE, I guess, but I really don't have the patience for drawing; my energy is so much more erratic, more physical than I could ever convey by just moving my hands. I'm not sure that I have the discipline. I told my sister that some day I want to buy an apartment just to be able to cover the walls with painting and drawing and all kinds of things, to just LIVE in art and to have no limits or boundaries on what I am able to do; I cant just imagine myself coming home from work, stripping off my work clothes, getting into a splotched t-shirt and messy pants and just dipping my hands in paint and spinning around and letting little dots fly everywhere, smearing my hands all over the walls, picking up handfuls and throwing them and watching the paint smack into the wall splatter all over the place...got that would be amazing

The thing is, I can imagine doing that kind of thing with more than just art. I really want to immerse myself in a world like that, totally dedicate my time and efforts to one thing, make it the reason I live. That's REALLY what I live for: to completely throw myself into a discipline or area of study or something like that, and put all of my energy towards it, strive to become good at it, make it the reason I exist. I have fantasized about becoming a martial arts instructor some day, or giving up all my earthly possessions and becoming a simple monk, or letting a teacher of some craft or art accept me as a student or apprentice...I think that would make life a lot less complicated and a lot more fulfilling, to know that all of my energy is going towards one thing, and that I excel at that one thing, that I do it well. But I have yet to find anything that remains worthy of my self-dedication to call my own...or to give myself to totally.

Being all over the place is my natural tendency, I think, but it's getting tiresome and discouraging. I want to find my life's work.

[Gilly]

No, I don't think I could force myself to take up the medium that my sister is most recognized for. That would be a total violation of my 4-ness/4 wing I may give it a go some day just as a side project, but I have to do something else.

I work best with writing poetry, drawing, and singing. I REALLY like singing I plan on taking voice lessons some day. In the mean time, I've found poetry to be the overall most satisfying, in terms of my own opinion of my work and the release I feel from writing it (although I will say that drawing provides more of a release, I think; however I'm never anywhere close to satisfied with my drawings in their final form).

[Gilly]

7/20 - Bored Early-Night Update

Bleh...my roommate's wife is here and they're making dinner together. Vomit. Hearing all their couply lingo and adopted intonations is SO fucking annoying. I don't know, maybe I'm just jealous or something because I haven't been in a relationship in so long, but it is so annoying to me to hear two people "becoming like each other." I see it happening with my sister and it scares me because I kind of feel like I'm losing the person I know, and I wonder if she realizes how foolish she seems to me sometimes, or if that matters at all to her any more, or if she is maybe losing some of her own sense of self in an effort to make him happy...*shudder*

I wanted to go work out today but I lost the time. My mom called on Skype and we had a nice hour and a half webcam chat but that meant that I didn't get to start eating until about 7:30 and given that I need an hour, give or take, to digest, well, now I'm sitting here in my computer chair, 15 minutes before the gym closes, feeling like I should be going to work out. W;IFHAW[HGW[GH

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

All I got to say is the Joker rocks! I kinda act the same way myself sometimes hehe.

Oh Heath why did ya have to go and die on us?

[Gilly]

I know man, this totally would have gone down as one of the all-time series if he had been alive for the rest of it. I'm sure 3 will still be a decent movie, but so much was staked on Joker that I don't think it can keep up the momentum without him.

[Gilly]

7/21 - Morning Update

I woke up today and realized that I have been seriously slipping in my meditation. I don't know why, but when I have days off I just don't feel nearly as much need for it, which leads to a bad pattern for when I DO start working seriously. Well, maybe working will help me get back in the groove.

I got new flip flops I have had my eye on a pair of rainbows for a while now and I was kind of tired of the black plastic-y ones that my mom sent me while I was in rehab (they are actually really nice, but just not really my style). After I bought the first pair, light brown, I wore them to work at the bookstore and worried for like 20 minutes about the fact that I was SURE that I had gotten the wrong color for me because I have brown hair, I wear a good amount of darker clothes, etc etc...eventually I just said "jF'EWEF BRB" to my boss because I couldn't concentrate on work and I went and tossed them in my car and put on

[Gilly]

7/21 - Morning Update

I realized this morning that I've fallen back into a pattern of not meditating. This seems to happen when I haven't been working as much...I think. Maybe now that I am working for almost a week straight I will get back into a good pattern.

I had a nice Skype chat with my mama last night She and my dad are going to come and visit my sister and I on their vacation; they had originally planned to do so, but when I told my mom that I was thinking about leaving VA to live with old friends in VT, she threw a tantrum and decided that she didn't want to come. Now that I have decided to stay she has calmed down a little and they are visiting after all.

She put the idea to me of trying to audit some classes at the college in the town that I go to; I have kind of avoided making friends since I'm gonna be leaving soon but I think taking classes would at least be a good way to meet some people to hang out with while I'm still here. I'm not old enough to go to bars or anything yet, and I don't really know anyone around here who doesn't party like college students (and is therefore not really an "option" for me to hang out with; I can't relapse yet ), so it has definitely been a socially frustrating time in my life. It's getting a little lonely and even stickam is fucking stupid these days. I miss the days when lots of people came on and we just goofed off and watched all the crazy random people that came in; now it's mostly people bickering about petty shit or spreading drama or Nick and Ashton espousing their bogus interpretations of Socionics at length and ranting at length about how other people's typings are so stupid. Game over

I need to start reading more; Monster Rancher has begun to take up all of my free time and I have tons of books that I really have been meaning to read. Bleh, video games are such a black hole

[Gilly]

6/21 - Mid-Afternoon Update

I guess if I want any sort of input on my type I should probably talk about myself and how I see myself a little

At my best, I am extremely outgoing, self-effacing, jocular, genuine, fun-loving, helpful, somewhat childlike; I can, and usually choose to be the center of attention and I LOVE it I play by the rules but am not afraid to step over the line to have some fun or make people laugh. I stand up for others who I feel are being wronged or isolated, unless they deserve it, and sometimes even then. I am adaptable, inventive, secure, and hard to deter or insult.

When more average, I try to be or do things that I think will be impressive or set me in a "special" position; I want people to remember me, to think that I am important, indispensable. I clown around and try to provoke some kind of reaction from people; I will deliberately push the envelope or take things over the line just to see how people will react, to see them squirm. I can be very awkward or indecisive if it comes to doing something that I think might change people's opinion of me in a negative way. I do what it takes to be part of the group, to hold my place or some kind of special esteem (if I can't be the leader, I make sure that I am at least not seen as directly subordinated to whoever is; I will be affiliated, but for a purpose; I will adopt some group values, but not all; I will have my own identity, remaining somewhat mysterious or on the "fringe" by appearances) but I won't let myself be manipulated or seriously subordinated; when I feel this happening, I jump ship, because I know that I am no longer among friends; it is even worse for me to be manipulated than to be outcast, because I at least have some experience in coping with the latter.

At my worst, I am withdrawn, sarcastic, self-absorbed, uncaring of others or their feelings. My loved ones and those close to me tend to suffer the most, either from my lack of contact, or venting of rage that I feel too socially self-conscious to let loose on other people, who probably deserve it more. I give up just about anything I may have been pursuing, and sometimes go in exactly the opposite direction, probably to "compensate" for what I feel like has been wasted energy. At absolute bottom I tend to isolate myself and seek comfort and seclusion at any cost; I don't want to be bothered or judged or have my escapism interfered with. I limit my contacts to those who I don't feel threatened by and who benefit me in some way. When I am hurt I try to come back at others and revenge myself, to punish them for wounding me. Sometimes it takes a long time for these wounds to heal; and I will be effected by them even when not thinking about it, even after I have rectified the situation in my mind.


-----

Coffee shop today. My boss scheduled me over my bookstore schedule so now I have to just tell my boss there that I can't work that day. I am going to be leaving the book store soon, so it doesn't really matter anyways; the coffee shop is offering me full-time hours and is training me to work in the kitchen on top of the register and espresso bar; not only will I make kitchen pay (min $8/hr plus tips if I work upstairs at the bar), but since my training will be flexible I will be able to work whenever I want. Siiiiick.

I renewed my membership at the gym, but I haven't been able to get myself to go except the one time that I was there to pay for it. I've decided to stop making "resolutions" to go to take the pressure off myself, and just go if I feel like it. Hoping that it won't have been $35 down the drain

I've felt like shit the last couple of days. I'm still kind of afflicted by some stuff that happened in Stickam the other night; it was lame and petty, but it was from a variety of things that were happening, directed at me, and, as usual, I tried to hold my ground when I would have been better off just ducking out stage "x" button because I didn't want people to think I was being a pussy. But when people gang up against me and it gets taken beyond just arguing points, and it gets personal, I tend to get all the wind taken out of my sails because I feel excluded. Fucking cheap shot.

[Gilly]

PUT ME IN A BOX, GODDAMMIT

[Mariano Rajoy]

I realized this morning that I've fallen back into a pattern of not meditating. This seems to happen when I haven't been working as much...I think. Maybe now that I am working for almost a week straight I will get back into a good pattern.

PUT ME IN A BOX, GODDAMMIT

You are in a box already, but you need some TiSe to make you aware of it and keep you consistent in your habits.

You scream "put me in a box, goddammit", I hear "give me TiSe".

[Gilly]

I think so too.

[Gilly]

6/23 - Afternoon Update

Worked at the coffee shop today. Got all my schedules straightened out; I'm off the book store schedule as of the first week of August

I've decided to refrain from Stickam-ing except for our planned Thursday Night DnD sessions Those should be fun. People who are in so far, I'm holding you to it!

I'm going to be spending less time on the computer and more time reading. I just plain old don't feel as good when I'm on here, but DAMN it's hard not to sit and get passive stimulation from chats and video games It violates my pleasure principle! But, well, in the long run, not really.

Right now I'm reading a book on the hereafter. It's called "Reincarnation - An East-West Anthology." It takes accounts of afterlife possibilities from everything from eastern religions, Greco-Roman era philosophers, and tribal/native spiritual practices,
to Islamic thought, Western-European philosophers, and modern American transcendentalist thinkers and literary icons. An impressive volume to be sure. I've also decided to take another shot at Brian Greene's book on String Theory: The Elegant Universe. I saw his latest book, which encompasses String Theory, more in-depth accounts of quantum mechanics, and other areas of science in the book store I work at yesterdy, but I figure I should read what I have before I go spending money on similar books. Unfortunately I promptly violated this principle by purchasing a Redwall book, The Legend of Luke but I justified it via my sister's current mild interest in Jacques' works. I'm also chipping away at Prometheus Rising, a recommendation from my good buddy Ashton which seems promising so far; a translation of the Mahabarata, a Hindu text; The Tibetan Book of the Dead; a book called The Human Odyssey; and a small book summarizing Buddhist traditions. In case you couldn't tell, my newest fixation is perspectives on human life and the afterlife, the current focal point of my generalized lifelong study of the subjective experience of human consciousness

I am GOING to work out today. The past few days I have been slacking, saying "Ok, I'm not gonna force it; if I feel like going to the gym, I will go." And SURPRISE, I didn't go I guess I have for force it to get anything done.

[Gilly]

7/24 - Morning Update

Why does it feel like everyone is turning against me lately? Just because I'm being open with what I think? Lame. I feel like every time I try to be somewhat vulnerable with (most) people on this forum, or show some kind of grace or humility, I get my face spat in because people don't want to take me seriously, or something. The degree to which people here have disappointed me is actually hurtful. I think I need to find another outlet; honestly if this keeps up I'm thinking about leaving the forum, so feel free to drive me off if you really dislike me enough to want me gone. I'm tired of not being taken seriously. Or maybe I am just taking other people to seriously. Whatever. It happens enough in real life when I try to be open with people; I don't need it on the internet, too, and if it keeps up, there's no reason for me to stay.

[Lotus]

7/24 - Morning Update

Why does it feel like everyone is turning against me lately? Just because I'm being open with what I think? Lame. I feel like every time I try to be somewhat vulnerable with (most) people on this forum, or show some kind of grace or humility, I get my face spat in because people don't want to take me seriously, or something. The degree to which people here have disappointed me is actually hurtful. I think I need to find another outlet; honestly if this keeps up I'm thinking about leaving the forum, so feel free to drive me off if you really dislike me enough to want me gone. I'm tired of not being taken seriously. Or maybe I am just taking other people to seriously. Whatever. It happens enough in real life when I try to be open with people; I don't need it on the internet, too, and if it keeps up, there's no reason for me to stay.

Gilly, please don't let people's arguments, criticism, and bitching get to you. I don't want to see you leave and I'm sure a lot of other people don't either. I really mean it.

[Gilly]

Whatever, it's not like I can help it. I can't just NOT feel; I've tried that and it's a lot worse than the alternative.

I don't get it...I try to be genuine with people and they shove it down my throat. I mean, I know it's because I was being a dick before, but can't ANYONE tell when someone is trying to change their attitude, that they've taken a step back and realized that they were behaving poorly and want to do something to rectify it? Why would you try to throw that in someone's face? When other people are willing to do it, I see it as commendable and mature, so it's just bewildering and hurtful to me why some people feel the need to act like it's a "weak spot" or something and rub salt in the wound. I mean, I dunno, I guess I've done similar things in the past, so I should probably just stop whining and remove myself from the situation. It seems like the only rational solution.

But nonetheless, thanks Allie

[Gilly]

7/24 - Afternoon Update

If I have to put anyone else on my ignore list, I'm outa here.

I hate it when people think they have somehow proved you wrong when they are only misinterpreting what you say. It's even worse when people rally around them like they are being some kind of holier-than-thou truth-sayer. Fuck that shit. It's crystal clear to me that it's got more to do with them and something they are bringing to my table when they continue to argue beyond the point of obvious futility. It would be nice to make peace, which I tried to do, but my patience only goes so far before I have to cut people out. Sorry, assholes. ,,|,

I was actually having a great day until I came home and read more of the same bullshit. Time to go work out and pretend like I'm pushing dolphin off a cliff when I do chest presses.

[strrrng]

Why does it feel like everyone is turning against me lately? Just because I'm being open with what I think? Lame. I feel like every time I try to be somewhat vulnerable with (most) people on this forum, or show some kind of grace or humility, I get my face spat in because people don't want to take me seriously, or something. The degree to which people here have disappointed me is actually hurtful. I think I need to find another outlet; honestly if this keeps up I'm thinking about leaving the forum, so feel free to drive me off if you really dislike me enough to want me gone. I'm tired of not being taken seriously. Or maybe I am just taking other people to seriously. Whatever. It happens enough in real life when I try to be open with people; I don't need it on the internet, too, and if it keeps up, there's no reason for me to stay.

NO ONE IS TURNING AGAINST YOU. Jesus christ, just stop being so dependent on social approval and you'll see that peoples' "insults" were really just assertive presentations of arguments because they disagreed with you. And please don't play victim; you only became "vulnerable" when you had no other option.

[Gilly]

I love having Nick ignored. It's a beautiful thing to know that I can go into any thread he has posted in and not have to put up with his pointless negativity and caustic attitude.

THANK YOU MCNEW!

[Gilly]

dee, I might be thankful if nick could come out of his own little bubble of his limited perceptions of me, but most of the time, as in this case, he is simply wrong. Nick usually gets by on saying things like he knows they are right and not giving any ground, fudging explanations as he goes along. I'm bored of that kind of approach; it's something I've been guilty of in the past, and am trying to move on from.

7/26 - Morning Update

Patience is a hard lesson to learn, heh. I'm not usually a very patient person: I like to maximize my time, multi-task, fit tasks into time slots to optimize my usage of time. I tend to go on auto-pilot most of the time and just "do stuff" while my mind is off in la-la land, and trying to calm the inner turmoil that I actually find useful when in this "go-go-go" kind of attitude is a challenge. However I think it's necessary, or at least a good idea: I've been studying religion lately, mainly eastern, and the thing everyone seems to agree upon is that it's important to slow down and pay attention to what you're doing; to not just want to get to the "end" and devote yourself to getting a result, but to enjoy yourself along the way.

I work at the coffee shop today. The go-go attitude is very prevalent there, and I enjoy it because I get into a groove working and it stops me from worrying about how fast time is going by (at which point it proceeds to fly by ). The owners are a bit high-strung and perfectionistic for my taste (the guy is SLE and he doesn't realizes how much stress he causes his employees when he comes by and tells everyone what they're doing wrong and gets in the way when he tries to help Sometimes he is actually a life-saver, but usually it's an annoyance. Plus he's kind of stingy, heh. *Sigh* Military people...), but surprisingly I get along very well with both of them, and having heard about what it takes to run a coffee shop, I can't exactly blame them. I've got to hand it to them, the place is successful; it's the most popular cafe/coffee joint in town, and with good reason. Whatever they have to do, they do it well.

aoweifewrhgwf[eH8EWFHWAEFHWEweoia[riewjaso;irhgoiehgeruohgupserehg

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Everything you say that annoys you is the exact opposite of how I am in real life.

Don't take this the wrong way though, but you seem awfully too sensitive about things. It's making me not really want to say anything to you sometimes because I don't think anything productive would come from that. I kinda just think "Oh he's being emotional I'll let him cool off." But I think that's what you need.

I don't want to really praise you or compliment you or support you too much (unless we get a lot closer and I feel you're really hurting your own life), because I think that might feed your ego in a way where it's not deserved while you're kinda acting crazily emotional. So I think I'll try to do what I'd do in real life when you have one of your moments and just go '...'

You seem to already have a stable life... you work, etc. your emotional outbursts are interesting and fun sometimes but kind of 'pointless' to me in a way. I can relate to you very much that you want some greater insights into them but I think in the end they'll just lead to nothing. I still enjoy them for the sake of enjoying them though, and I'd listen immensely to you without saying anything, and I'd let you throw your hissy fit until you felt comfortable enough to ask for my input. Otherwise I wouldn't say anything.

[Gilly]

Don't take this the wrong way though, but you seem awfully too sensitive about things. It's making me not really want to say anything to you sometimes because I don't think anything productive would come from that. I kinda just think "Oh he's being emotional I'll let him cool off." But I think that's what you need.

Exactly, lol.

I don't want to really praise you or compliment you or support you too much (unless we get a lot closer and I feel you're really hurting your own life), because I think that might feed your ego in a way where it's not deserved while you're kinda acting crazily emotional. So I think I'll try to do what I'd do in real life when you have one of your moments and just go '...'

Yeah, the compliments and so forth WOULD feed my ego If people "take my side" when things like this happens, I just swing from a huge mess to being over-confident and try to "punish" people for hurting me; I really just need to be left to stew and "normalize" on my own.

You seem to already have a stable life... you work, etc. your emotional outbursts are interesting and fun sometimes but kind of 'pointless' to me in a way. I can relate to you very much that you want some greater insights into them but I think in the end they'll just lead to nothing. I still enjoy them for the sake of enjoying them though, and I'd listen immensely to you without saying anything, and I'd let you throw your hissy fit until you felt comfortable enough to ask for my input. Otherwise I wouldn't say anything.

Yeah, I dunno...I'm sick of repressing emotions, so I kind of feel obligated to just let it all hang out, even if it doesn't lead to any kind of explanation, although that would be nice.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

If that's what you feel you need to do then do it. In real world social situations you have to learn to bite your tongue and behave, but if you can't go crazy online what is it good for? But I just think, try to make the right choice regardless.

Not saying this in a condescending 'I"ve learned sooo much manner" because I still do it myself, but when I was younger I did the emotional tantrums thing a lot more and it was very freeing for myself, although it did hurt all my relationships with other people. Pretty soon I didn't have anybody left besides this one friend that really stuck by me. (My Identical) I think your outrageous behavior (If it keeps going) will subconsciously drive everybody away that isn't your Dual or Identical. Maybe that's what you want to do idealistically speaking, since those two intertype relationships are your best match-ups. Dunno lol.

Btw, what type are you learning towards to now? Weren't you considered ENTp before?

[Gilly]

7/28 - Nighttime Update

So I just watched Kill Bill 2 with my roommate. Pretty good, but Reservoir Dogs was better IMO. I especially like the scene where she's under Pai Mei's tutelage...he is such an awesome character, lol.

I worked my last day at the book store today; I get a week of part-time and then I'm on full-time at the coffee shop.

I was thinking today about what I am going to do for work in Oregon, and I decided that it would be ideal to work at the coffee bar at Powell's Books. That way I could utilize all of my skills AND indulge in copious amounts of reading and self-informing at the low-low cost of an employee discount But mostly it just seemed like it would be a fucking cool place to hang out. Portland mostly seemed that way.

Ummm...stuff.

[Gilly]

7/30

I almost had an accident on my bike today. I rode on for a little bit after, but felt compelled to sit and meditate for a minute or two...for some reason near-misses (near hits, lol George Carlin...) always make me feel a little more alive.

Sitting on the grass,
I feel a call welling up in me.
I close my eyes,
Feel my breath.
I hear all the sounds around me:
Birds chirruping,
Wind in the leaves,
Cars zipping by on the road behind me,
Not three feet from my back.
But I am at peace.

Opening my eyes,
I face into the forest.
Suddenly, all the sounds I hear are jilted into new meaning:
The wind is the echoing hollow of an arched tunnel;
The leaves, sand blowing up in waves ahead of me;
The cars, chariots, passing by the yellow glare in front of me.
And the birds are each one of a million spectators,
Urging me into the colosseum of life.

[Gilly]

oh allie...lol...

[Gilly]

7/31

I started reading the Bhagavad Gita today. A friend of mine recommended it to me, but I didn't feel justified just jumping into the middle of a great epic like the Mahabarata like that, so I've been reading a translation of the Mahabarata that doesn't include the Gita, and, having reached the climactic scene where Krishna and Arjuna stop in the middle of the battlefield, I have switched from the epic itself to an elaborated version of the Gita. Supposedly it is the root of all traditional Vedic knowledge; I'm hoping it will be both useful and insightful, as it has been touted to be. I find that things rarely live up to expectations though, and I tend to have high expectations...but I guess only time will tell.

The closer I get to the point at which I will actually be moving to Portland, the more I wonder if it will actually happen...my plans rarely come to pass the way I envision them, so I guess I have to work extra hard and save as much as I can for this one. Just got a $300 pay check, and $200 of that is going to rent/savings; if I can keep that up...well, that will be something I wish heath was here to bitch at me for spending money on anything other than food, rofl...but alas I must save by my own willpower. Help me, lol...Oh well, I've got another...5.5 months to save up for first and last month's rent on my apartment in Portland. Let's hope I stick to it.

I've been drawing a bit lately, and writing more...I'm always completely dissapointed by everything that I create, but really it just feels so good to put my energy into some artistic outlet. I think I am going to take a painting and drawing class when I go back to school.

That's another thing I've had on my mind: when will I go back to school? That kind of makes me nervous; I can't help but wonder if I would fall back into my old routines of laziness.

Does anyone else ever hit <space><space> <backspace><backspace> over and over again when they are writing but can't think of how to phrase whatever comes next? lol, high anxiety, I guess...I probably need to work out

laaadeeedaaaa...what else can I write about....

ummmmmm........

As I've been reading Vedic literature, I remember by friend who recommended the Gita to me mentioning a girl he knew wearing a Ganesha charm around her neck, and ever since then I've been combing whatever I read for hints about which Hindu God or significant figure is most like me...I always do this whenever I read something, I try to find some commonality with a character in a book. It kind of gives me a reference point from which to interpret the story if I can "see myself" as one of the characters. I tend to overidentify with main characters though, heh...I guess I just have a big ego >_<;

I've been thinking about Four as an enneatype for myself again lately: I can definitely relate with some of the things that are described with Four integrating to One:

Fours also realize that self-expression does not mean indulging in their moods (obviously this is something I have problems with, lol...). They willingly become more disciplined, working to contribute something worthwhile to their world. No longer aloof bystanders waiting to be recognized (lol isn't that the fucking truth...), they participate fully in life and develop a stronger sense of themselves through their work and through their connections with others.

(This is where it gets good, heh)

This should not be confused, however, with adopting the critical or perfectionistic traits of the average One. Fours' superegos are already punitive enough, so browbeating themselves with self-improvement projects can easily lead to further self-recrimination (this is so true, whenever I try to adopt some "new way" of self-improvement, I always get caught up in trying to do everything perfect, and it only leads to higher anxiety and feeds my deep sense of hopelessness). Therefore it is important to develop another healthy one trait - discrimination. Fours learn what healthy Ones know: that the reality of a situation and our emotional responses to it are two different things.

Healthy Ones also exemplify acceptance of reality - working with the real components of a situation rather than resisting or rejecting them. Integrating fours also understand that acceptance is the key to letting go of their past and creatively engaging in their lives in the present. With self-acceptance comes forgiveness for old mistakes and difficulties (I dwell on this kind of shit ALL the time; sometimes I still feel shame for things like saying "genitles" instead of "gentiles" when reading scripture in church as a kid, or wearing clothes that didn't fit me in junior high...god, it's actually really disheartening sometimes.). With acceptance of others comes the ability to engage in mutually satisfying relationships. Fours no longer need to idealize others as rescuers or tear them of their pedestals for failing to live up to their unrealistic expectations. They see the other as other and can more accurately perceive their own valuable qualities without resorting to a fantasy self (this is something my mom speaks of quite disturbingly; she says that, when I am unhealthy, I often seem to preen or dress myself in a manner that conveys an image of some "idealized self." For instance when I was a big druggy she spoke very oddly of the way I would look at myself in the mirror when I wore certain clothes (one jacket in particular), or engaged in certain activities, as though doing certain things seemed, in her eyes, to make me see myself as someone I was not, and to be honest, she was right, although I would never have admitted it at the time. Very weird stuff.)

Finally, integrating Fours are able to build a lasting, genuine sense of identity and self-esteem because it is based on real-life actions and relationships rather than their imagination or transient emotional states (god, wouldn't that be nice, lol...). They recognize qualities in themselves that were previously invisible: strength, will power, determination, and clarity. Further, once Fours ground themselves in the moment, all aspects of life become occasions for creativity. Rather than being drawn into endless introspection or the turbulent stream of their emotional reactions, integrating Fours stay present to themselves and the world around them and thus begin to awaken to the deeper truths of the human heart. As they allow this process to unfold, their true identity reveals itself in every moment of their existence (that sure sounds nice, heh...).

I am stuck on Four for now; now that I go over the Four section after having become somewhat disenchanted with the idea of being a Three, it seems very plausible. Heart Triad seems like a must, in any case, and, based on my lacking some very intrinsic qualities that most Threes seem to share, and the large degree to which I identify with a Four's basic delusion and core motivation, the latter seems highly plausibe (no matter what Nick says ).

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[Gilly]

Hmmm...I'm actually very quiet sometimes, believe it or not; really it depends entirely on my mood.

[Gilly]

8/6

Thank you Maria for reminding me to do my blog after almost a weak of lapse

Today was a good day. Actually as far as work went it sucked, but after that I hung out with my friend TJ, who I think is SLE. We just chilled at his appartment, he got high while I smoked a couple of cigs and we listened to some music. I always feel a little weird just chilling with people like that, like we should be doing something to justify spending time together...but usually I come out of it feeling more relaxed, I guess. It probably has something to do with my ex potheadedness; I used weed as a sort of social tool, an excuse to just hang out with someone and not be awkward about just talking about shit. Loosens you up, gives you a reason to be there...it's good stuff, really. But I am intent on keeping my 2 years sober, absolutely committed. I made a promise to my friend Colin that I will do it; sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me sober.

Speaking of Colin, I just heard from our mutual friend Liam that he may be coming to visit me...apparently Colin told Liam's mom that he was on his way down here O_O He has been talking about coming, but we hadn't made any specific plans...it would be really fucking funny if I just got a call one day and he was like "Dude, come pick me up at the train station" Unfortunately my parents are coming down this week, and I am working straight from now until Sunday, so it would be a bit of work trying to make all of that go smoothly...but I suppose if he comes knocking I'll make the most of it After all, how bad of a week can it be when you get to see your best friend in the world AND your family? I'm sure I could make it work.

I have really been backing off of Zen literature for a while because I wanted to dip into Hindu mythology and scriptures like the Mahabarata and Bhagavad-Gita, which I have been, but I recently resumed reading a book called Zen in the Martial Arts for the first time in a while, and I get so much more out of it than I have been getting out of the beginning of the Bhagavad-Gita. The Hindus have a kind of preoccupation with, and very honest acceptance of the nastier side of life that I find very refreshing, but sometimes a bit of a hinderance to emotional progress in terms of staying focused on what I need to be doing. Sometimes, when reading their philosophies and stories, I find that I use the protagonists and supposedly righteous men who still do bad things as an excuse to reconsider and rationalize some of the things that I know I shouldn't be doing...but I do find this approach much more philosophically fulfilling than the more purist Zen approach. Hinduism is more accepting of our shortcomings, and thus spends more time "thinking" about them, whereas Zen is more focused on spiritual progress, and therefore takes a more practical approach to self-improvement. Both have their merits; Vedic literature is certainly more interesting, and is good in terms of helping me out of a bad time by being reassuring about the worse aspects of human nature, but I find Zen literature to be, on the whole, more of a positive influence on me personally, and more useful in terms of getting where I feel like I want to go. The negative side of Zen, however, is that it tempts me to be overly perfectionistic, to outright deny the negative parts of myself, and to repress where I cannot rationally control my emotions in a productive way, whereas Hindu literature is much better for "letting go" of the need to control, allowing myself to be human and have shortcomings and not get too beat up about it: if Arjuna can kill motherfuckers like it's his job (which it is, lol) and still be Krishna's right hand man, I must not have as far to go as I think I do.

The important thing, I think, is that both have provided me with necessary perspective in coming to a place where I am more satisfied with myself and my life every day.

[Gilly]

8/7

I talked to a girl from Portland who was a customer at Aromas (the coffee shop where I work) today about the west coast. She was all about it. You know, most people, when you talk to them about where they're from, they just talk about it like it's any other place; maybe they have one or two favorite things about it, but typically I find that very few people speak with real enthusiasm about the place they live in.

This is not so with people from Portland. They all LOVE the place. I want to love the place I live enough to brag about it to other people It kind of pisses me off when my brother-in-law talks about it, because he sounds arrogant, like all this shit that he did growing up in Oregon was like "the way it's supposed to be" or some shit. I mean, I can understand being enthusiastic about it, but with him...I dunno, I just get the wrong vibe. Meh, in-laws.

But anyways, the people I have met form Portland just seem to love it there, and I thought it seemed like an awesome place to be...I just hope I haven't heard it talked up too much for it to live up to my expectations

The owner of Aromas (SLE) is really starting to get on my nerves. He is actually a really nice guy for the most part: sometimes he will walk in the store just in time to help out with stuff, and never hesitate to get his hands dirty working even though he doesn't get anything tangible out of it. If you are busy, he'll stand by the sink and wash pitchers for smoothies or cups for drinks and stuff, or do pretty much whatever needs to be done to keep things running smoothly. He has no problem whatsoever going out of his way to make sure things run smoothly when things get busy; in that regard, he is awesome.

My main beef with him is that he's a super perfectionist: any time something isn't exactly the way he wants it to be, he will point it out, and turn it into an opportunity for a lecture. I guess having been in the military probably doesn't help this...it's just stressful when he's around because he puts everyone on edge; nobody wants a lecture when they're trying to do their job as best they can. I mean, I can TOTALLY understand where he's coming from as far as reinforcing rules to ensure quality and help people remember how to do things right, but he just takes it overboard, and it makes the job just that much more stressful for everyone when he walks in the door. *sigh* Military men...

[olduser]

i was riding in excess of 25 mphs last night and was rubbing my front wheel on the guy in front of me and it scared the shit out of me.

however, gilligan. i didn't know you were sober from pot. i tihnk you make a good point about it being a good way for people to meet up and hang out with eachother. To the outside observer this seems ridiculous because more often than not people will have very little in common and even stoned conversation will seem to drag as the participants search for ways to continue the conversation. this includes more often than not: a list of recently taken drugs, drugs they'd love to try, sweetest drug score stories, crazy thing my buddy did on drugs story, and finally, 'we should smoke more drugs.' lol i'm amused. i do think that smoking weed makes me more personable, but it also makes me clean my house.

[Gilly]

LOL smoking weed makes me lazy as balls...I don't think I would ever think about cleaning anything if I was just sitting around being high. However if I got high with the intention of being high to make cleaning the house easier, it would probably work.

Yeah, I'm sober from everything, even alcohol. I'm committed to doing 2 years absolutely clean.

In my experience, being stoned while talking just loosens people up, and things come out not that you would normally be too scared/embarrassed/whatever to talk about normally, but more like just things that you wouldn't normally think of...I can understand why some people feel more creative when high. It does something to your inhibitions, not just in terms of like anxiety or whatever, but also things your brain just usually blocks out as irrelevant or stupid or not worthy of bringing up that actually tend to make for good conversation if people are laid-back enough to just go with it

And I don't really mind drug stories, personally, lol...they are usually more interesting/outlandish than normal stories. Plus it's always more interesting to imagine something obscure happening while high, and it sort of helps you relate to the person in the story on another level; the fact that they were high sort of increases the percentage of covergance of personal experience/ability to relate, just because everyone who has been high knows what it's like to be high, and it incorporates a certain level of familiarity with the mindset of the situation that just isn't transferable in a normal state; you don't know what it's like to be in someone else's shoes while they're sober, because life is different for everyone, but being high is at least similar for everyone, so there's like a set of baseline assumptions that relate to the experience that other people who have been high can easily relate to...I dunno, I'm just rambling and repeating myself at this point Anyways, long story short, I like drug stories

Smoking weed actually makes me less sociable sometimes; especially with a heavy indica bud, sometimes I just feel like chilling and enjoying the high.

[olduser]

yeah, i completely agree with you. i was being cynical for cynicism's sake. mushrooms always made me feel really connected to other people, or helped me see people in a totally different light but it always left doubt as to whether what i was seeing was reality or just a piece of the moment expanded to absurdity and untruth. who knows. take more drugs is the answer to this question, i know.

[Gilly]

Taking more drugs isn't really the answer. The real answer is looking and seeing, without them, that there is good that we don't see every day in ALL people, and that people who suck or do bad things have just been hurt by the world or are on the defensive because they aren't sure about what will happen if they allow themselves to be vulnerable. Obviously there are varying degrees of good and bad in all people, and some people are too far off "the deep end" from whom to expect anything positive that doesn't involve their own self-interest, but I personally believe that, deep in us all, is the desire for common good, shared interests, and connection on all levels, and that people who avoid it are simply jaded. It's in our best interest to have the interests of others in mind. Like any animal, people still have some level of "pack instinct" in them; the ultimate goal of our existence is to ensure the survival of our species. It may sound stupid, but I take homosexuality as one piece of evidence for the existence of the survival of group interest in the human complex: it is in the genetic programming of every y chromosome that hits the egg to produce a male who uses all of his possible advantages to procreate, but if it's not in the best interest of the species (mainly due to overpopulation), even that strongest vital, virile instinct is governed by the ultimate good of our species.

*shrug*

[Gilly]

George's Emo Eruption

Love is fire
I'm a cryer
Let me take you by the heart
And show the way
That we will stay
And never forget who we are.

We'll always be here
We'll have no fear
We'll meet the world with force
I'll never fall again
So please forgive my sins
And help me stay the course.