Gilly's Type Blog

[Expat]

You know, maybe this is pointing to something useful. Since I have begun to see myself as Beta, I think it is more apparent that I value Fe/Ti more than Ni/Se, however I feel as though I have a stronger focus on intuition than ethics in a more general sense. Maybe, assuming I am Beta (which, at this point, I still think makes the overall most sense), this is pointing towards an Fe subtype of IEI over Ni subtype EIE?

Well how would we differentiate between Fe-IEI and Ni-EIE? From what I get of your relationships with your family, Ni-EIE would seem more likely (Fe-IEI with a LSE and two EIIs would seem just plain horrible, which doesn't seem to be the case).

Side note: Is there any chance I could be Alpha SF? I know this is probably a stretch, but I dunno, Expat's comment just got me questioning again. I dunno...I would be a pretty freaking strange ESE or SEI but it wouldn't be the only strange thing I'd be, heh.

If you're Alpha, I think only ILE is possible.

[discojoe]

YOU'RE ENTp

[JuJu]

Hi Gilly

From what I've seen and read, I perceive you as extroverted... Fe is obvious... I agree with Expat that Se is not.

Types in order of likelihood:
ENTp... (end) jk, I agree that beta is possible (all types except ISTj,) but I'm interested as to why you're against the ENTp typing?

I imagine that you've been over this before--I've just never read your reasoning, and am interested--so answer only if you want. peace

[Gilly]

YOU'RE ENTp

Do I really remind you that much of your brother?

[Gilly]

Hi Gilly

From what I've seen and read, I perceive you as extroverted... Fe is obvious... I agree with Expat that Se is not.

Types in order of likelihood:
ENTp... (end) jk, I agree that beta is possible (all types except ISTj,) but I'm interested as to why you're against the ENTp typing?

I imagine that you've been over this before--I've just never read your reasoning, and am interested--so answer only if you want. peace

I dunno, I just don't really relate to the ILEs I know, and I find that I have much more in common with the EIEs and IEIs that I know. In addition, most of my friends throughout my life have been Betas, and nearly all of the people I admire or consider(/have considered) role models or significant influences in my life, other than my father, are Beta NFs. I think there is a reasonable explanation for my original self-perception as a logical type to be had in my life story, especially insofar as my logical intelligence has been, at least as far as I have been able to see, the only thing I have ever really been rewarded or valued for externally, and is something that I have come to value very much (even too much, I would say) in myself. I feel threatened sometimes when I don't feel or see myself as the "smartest" person in a given situation, and I usually seek to be seen as superior, special, or indispensable in some other way when this happens.

Also worthy of note, I have had deep-seated problems with finding my "true" identity, partly in a social sense (wondering how I am seen by others) but also in a deeper, personal sense; literally not knowing "who I am" or what qualities are really innate in my personality as opposed to those I fake, exaggerate, or play at in order to be admired, seen as significant/special, or held in esteem by my peers or superiors. I think this is definitely more characteristic of a Beta NF than an Alpha NT, and is indicative of an Enneagram Feeling/Heart Triad type (2, 3, 4).

[Gilly]

7/12 Afternoon Update

I am reading "Wisdom of the Enneagram" right now and am currently focusing on the Harmonic Patterns. Having read the descriptions, I definitely identify with the Competency group (1, 3, 5). I tend to react to difficulty by trying to approach the situation from a rational standpoint, thinking "What can I do to solve this problem?" I have problems with feeling the need to repress my emotions and trying to figure out "what to do" instead of taking the time to stop and see how I actually feel about the situation; indeed, even when I tell myself "Ok, I shouldn't repress my feelings; I need to stop and check with myself," I end up trying to come up with a "logical" solution as to how I should deal with these feelings once I am aware of them. To use an example I talked about in chat the other day, one time I was completely passed out drunk and woke up in a still-drunken haze to find one of my male friends sucking my dick. I pretty much just passed out from drunkenness and sheer disbelief. When I woke up in the morning, I had to ask myself if what had happened was real, and when I realized that it was, I said to myself "Ok, I can't just repress this and pretend like it didn't happen...so what do I DO?" I was completely intent on finding some way to "deal" with my emotions; I was afraid to just let myself experience them, and felt that something had to be "done," that I had to take some kind of action to prevent myself from repressing the experience and forgetting it to pop up as a demon of some sort later in life, when all I really had to do was accept what had happened to me and move on. I ended up handling it pretty well but only once I had thought about the incident and come to terms rationally with why my friend had done what he did.

Also, I have been an "advice-giver" and confidante for my friends throughout my social history. People know that they can come to me for a sympathetic ear and know that I will be understanding and non-judgmental. However, when it comes to me playing my part, I always give rational advice; I don't just offer sympathy, I help people overcome their problems. I am not cold or hard-hearted about giving advice, in fact I try to be very sensitive and tactful and tell people what they need to hear, but I always coming from the standpoint of solving the problem rather than just trying to empathize, make the person feel better, or put a positive spin on things. My first instinct is always to solve the problem.

[Gilly]

Well how would we differentiate between Fe-IEI and Ni-EIE? From what I get of your relationships with your family, Ni-EIE would seem more likely (Fe-IEI with a LSE and two EIIs would seem just plain horrible, which doesn't seem to be the case).

This could very well be true. However I am recently less sure of my sister's type; I think IEI is not totally out of the question, although she gets along famously with my mother; this has led me to vaguely reconsider LIE for my mother, as well, which, although unlikely, is not entirely out of the question; it is her MBTI type, after all. I have also entertained vague notions of my whole family being Beta (mother SLE, father IEI, sister IEI, myself EIE), but this doesn't seem very likely at all

If you're Alpha, I think only ILE is possible.

Well it's good to narrow possibilities Do you think that says something about the likelihood of my being Alpha, though? I mean, I think EIE and IEI are both definite possibilities, and I have seriously considered SLE in the past; I think the fact that ILE is the only Alpha type that could realistically work for me is something that should be taken into account.

[Expat]

Well it's good to narrow possibilities Do you think that says something about the likelihood of my being Alpha, though? I mean, I think EIE and IEI are both definite possibilities, and I have seriously considered SLE in the past; I think the fact that ILE is the only Alpha type that could realistically work for me is something that should be taken into account.

Well, different things are more visible in different people. I don't like typing by dichotomies, but I think that one thing that's very likely is that you're intuitive; that is you seem rather at ease with both and . Then we have the preference, so you can only be a Alpha/Beta intuitive. I will just say that I don't really think you are LII; so we have ILE, EIE and IEI.

[Phaedrus]

ILE it is. EIE and IEI are out of the question.

[Gilly]

7/12 Nighttime Update

Just watched Howl's Moving Castle with my roommate. I identify so much with Howl it's not even funny I swear someone could have been modeling that character loosely off of my personality, it's a little ridiculous...if you want to understand me a little bit better, watch that movie

Debate...debate...go to sleep on time to get 8 hours for work or play pokemon...debate debate...

solution: pokemon for 1 hour. GOD DAMMIT WHY ARE JAPANESE VIDEO GAMES SO FUCKING ADDICTIVE...no wonder they have internet and computer game addiction camps over there

[Exodus]

This, of course, brings up the recurring problem of people's view of me as an extrovert/extrotim, which is something that I think is worth considering. What do others have do say on this?

I think what you said about not wanting others to "invade your space" points away from being IEI, and plus I think you would compete with an SLE for attention too much to have an SLE dual. I'm not seeing IEI at all.

[Gilly]

I think what you said about not wanting others to "invade your space" points away from being IEI, and plus I think you would compete with an SLE for attention too much to have an SLE dual. I'm not seeing IEI at all.

If you look at the context, I was talking about "emotional space," in terms of not wanting someone to overtly try to cheer me up if I am depressed, or calm me down if I am having a tantrum. I need someone who will either leave me alone, or talk to me straight and not let me wallow/hide behind my anger.

[Gilly]

Do you identify with Howl's Si PoLR?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlz21wi72Bw

<3

Everyone here knows I am vain as hell and I DEFINITELY have similar tantrums. A few months ago I was going to a performance of a multimedia piece by my sister and brother-in-law, and I had bought a new coat and wasn't sure that it fit me perfectly. I kept asking my mom "Does it look long? Are the shoulders coming off too much? It's too big isn't it?" After about 15 minutes of reassuring me that it fit over and over again, she looked at me and said "George, you know that girl who knows she is pretty but whines and whines and asks over and over again how she looks and is never satisfied no matter how much anyone tells her they she beautiful just because she thinks one thing might not be perfect? George, you are being THAT girl."



So yes, I am definitely both vain and insecure about my appearance. Obviously I can at least convince myself out of the house on a daily basis, but sometimes I get caught up in thinking that what I'm wearing isn't PERFECT, and that I am going to look like a goon if anyone notices that something is out of place about my dress; if people point out that I look funny/am over-the-top in a bad way when I have gone out of my way to look good, its like a crushing blow to my self-confidence >_< When it comes to dress I tend to go either all-or-nothing. Often if I get dressed and I feel like something isn't right, I will undress completely and go for entirely new clothes, or search until I find the one thing that makes my look PERFECT. I usually feel as though I'm either matched perfectly, or look like a goon, and sometimes its the complete opposite of what I think One time a friend commented on how I was perfectly matched, and I said "Yeah, generally I'm matched from boxers to socks, or not at all."

[Ezra]

Vain bastard.

[Gilly]

[Gilly]

7/13 Afternoon Update

Aye aye aye...I had been working with this blonde girl for so long that I almost forgot about this other really hot girl I work with; I worked with BOTH of them today and it was the funniest shit ever, trying to flirt with them both without letting the other notice...but the brunette, the one I haven't been working with, good god...she's so hot; after she showed up at work I barely talked to the blond girl. The brunette is like a 9.7/10. O_O And she is my age, too but ALAS WOE IS ME she, too, has a boyfriend, and I she might even be living with him (I know she was at one point, but I think she may have mentioned moving out...). I swear I would run off with this girl in a second if I didn't have qualms about breaking up a relationship, but I've fucked with people's lives once before and I felt horrible about it afterwards; I'm not about to do that again/. I'm pretty sure she's either LSI-Ti or LII-Ti; the only other type I could see would be SLI, but that seems very unlikely. She is so fucking sexy...bah...I would quit my job in a heartbeat to be with this girl.

I talked to my manager at the coffee shop today and she told me that she might be getting me trained in the kitchen to make sandwiches so that I'd get payed a kitchen salary to work both as a baristo AND a sandwich chef; kitchen staff get payed like $8-10/hr, when I'm making only $7 (+$5-15/day in tips), AND I would still be making tips when I work upstairs, AND I would be guaranteed 40 hours/week. FUCK the book store; I'm done having headaches and sore eyes and being bored and inactive all day

-----

On another note, I just got off the phone with my friend up north and it sounds like our plan for our group of old middle school pals living together up there might actually be feasible. One of our friends, an IEI, is stuck in a vicious cycle of getting into drug debt, debt to his parents, etc, and is still living at home; I think he needs to be "rescued" So I want to show up there in August and spring his ass out of the parent trap and help him find a job where I might be working. Another of our friends is going to be in school just an hour away from the friend that I have been talking to, and I think we should all get an apartment together and save up to move out west, preferably to Oregon, as I've been planning to do for the last 4 months or so. Another of my buddies is interested in the idea, and our mutual friend is another who needs to get out of the cycle of depending on his parents, and we are going to slowly coerce him out of his frat life and rush him out west; I'm sure he'll never look back once we're out there.

Big things shakin' That's the way I like it.

[Gilly]

"He's calling the spirits of darkness. I saw him do this once before when a girl dumped him."

-_-;

I call the spirits of darkness about once or twice a month ;_;

[Gilly]

[Exodus]

If you look at the context, I was talking about "emotional space," in terms of not wanting someone to overtly try to cheer me up if I am depressed, or calm me down if I am having a tantrum. I need someone who will either leave me alone, or talk to me straight and not let me wallow/hide behind my anger.

ok. I didn't mean to imply that it has something to do with Se, just initiative in general.

[Gilly]

Do you think an SLE would be likely to "try" to cheer me up? I mean I'm thinking EIE>IEI at this point anyways, but I'm just wondering where you're going with this.

[Exodus]

Do you think an SLE would be likely to "try" to cheer me up? I mean I'm thinking EIE>IEI at this point anyways, but I'm just wondering where you're going with this.

Not try to cheer you up, but have an effect on your mood in general, yes, more than an LSI. People tend to not to use the DS function on/for other people at all if they don't have to; being a "contact function" the HA is more active.

[Gilly]

i think LIE is a very good fit.

Why...I value Fe...

[Gilly]

That makes absolutely no sense. Please study IM definitions.

[Ezra]

That makes absolutely no sense. Please study IM definitions.

[Gilly]

Seriously like, I feel like I have come to a very workable set of ideas of the functions just by observing over time and trying to make sense of the IM definitions. It really does work, the IM definitions provide solid definitions for the functions if you really understand them. Once you can interpret things through the cubic model, you see how you "can" explain anything in terms of it; the problem from there is figuring out what's important and what's irrelevant; what's worth typing and what's a minor detail. And it's for realization of this sheer mass of information that would have to be interpreted by the cubic model accurately and sorted through to see what constitutes the majority of a person's information metabolism or what elements they value the most, that I have reverted back to the method of typing by impressions; there's just no way to accurately take in that much information and interpret it to "empirically" determine someone's type. You can say "Well, I think this is important; it seems to be a big part of who he/she is, so I am going to interpret it with the cubic model and see what it says," but even in calling something "important" with relevance to determining someone's personality, you are inherently relying on your impression of the person to determine what is relevant. It's just a big fat fucking circle.

[Gilly]

7/15 - Morning Update

My second day off in a row. I've been SO fucking lazy. I hate it when I can tell that being lazy is bad for my mood, and that I should clearly be doing something else; how is it possible to like something that makes you feel bad? I swear it's like an addiction.

So yeah...I guess this is why I didn't update yesterday...nothing to say...mostly boredom.

Actually last night hitta and I had a really interesting discussion about physics and I have decided to read The Elegant Universe; I've had it for a few years now, but the couple of times I've picked it up, I've just felt like I could be doing something better/more interesting...like playing video games or lurking on the forums But now I've come to the point where the things talked about in the book might actually be relevant to my worldview, and indeed have possible implications for my current subjects of interest: eastern religions, metaphysics, the afterlife, existentialism, etc. I also think I should get my hands on some Nietzche: all of the people who I find myself agreeing with on a variety of philosophical points have all said nothing but good things to me about Nietzche, and obviously I've heard so much about him from so many different sources that I've pretty much taken for granted the fact that I will read it some day. So maybe now is the time...after I finish a few of the 10 or so other books I am currently chipping away at

It's weird, I always used to say that I could never read more than one book at once, that it would "pollute" the subject matter or my experience of a novel to be reading anything else during the same time period, but as I've grown older I've begun to realize that a lot of my interests actually sort of cross-pollinate and it's actually interesting to compare concepts between books and see how things compare.

However there will never be anything quite like getting totally lost in a good fantasy novel I always say that I envy people who have never read Tolkien because he's so fucking amazing; when I was finishing The Return of the King it kind of felt like losing a little piece of myself, because I had invested so much in the books; it was saddening to know that I would no longer have anything left of Lord of the Rings, that the ride was over, so to speak...but then I found the Silmarillion which was amazing, and now, thanks to working at a book store, I have found Children of Hurin, which I bought immediately, and am now waiting to be finished with Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea Trilogy to read. MORE TOLKIEN

The only bad part about working at a book store is that you have to get used to seeing so many books that you want to read be brought in and then bought up without giving you a chance; there's just TOO MANY BOOKS and I can't read them all, even all of the ones that seem/look really worth it Oh well, maybe that means I will never run out of interesting things to read

[Blaze]

fwiw an SLE would never write that post. but i guess now you are EIE?

[Gilly]

Seems so.

7/15 - Early Afternoon Update

Since I am putting up a poll, I would like to go over my reasons for my own personal self-typings, just to have them out there. I don't want them in that thread because I think it might compromise objectivity or start unnecessary/unrelated clutter, but at the same time I want to go over them for my own reasons.

I think my constant type search is in some way an expression of the Enneagram Heart Triad fixation: a search for personal identity. As I've stated in the past, I've gone through various mini "identity crises" throughout my life, although sometimes it seems like my life is just one big, extended identity crisis I've had problems maintaining a "sense of self" what with my multiple moves and school changes; I tend to go for a completely new persona wherever I end up, but it seems to be a flickering from one opposite to the other: I am either the center of attention in my adopted friend circle, or I am mostly alone. The times that I am the center of attention tend to be ego-building times when my megalomania about being the object of desire for girls or admiration for guys tend to spiral out of control and end in me once again isolating myself for fear of doing anything to damage this image: BEING that center of attention lifts me up so high that I am afraid of falling, so it almost seems that I cut the lines myself and fall of my own internal accord, rather than letting myself be vulnerable about my flaws and be seen for who I am, which in my mind (at the time anyways) would be disastrous. In reality, however, I have seen that being vulnerable with my closest friend, Colin, has really only increased his admiration for me, and has actually helped me to help him with his life's troubles and various ups-and-downs, which is what our relationship seems to be largely based upon

Growing up with my LSE 8w7 mother was something of a challenge. She is by no means a matriarch or bully, but somehow her "desires" always seem to be the focus of the collective family conscious, and I am the only one of us four who really seems intent on going against this. She doesn't impose lots of unnecessary rules or actually exert control over people directly, but she is strong-willed and usually good at explaining why the way she wants to do things is the best, and is apt to throw a fit if something she feels strongly about is rejected by consensus. More than any combination of two people in the family, we seem to have territorial conflicts; it's almost like we're trying to occupy the same space, not in a directly conflicting way (ie "I wanna do this." "Well I wanna do this." "Well let's fight about it!"); in fact when our interests do directly conflict, we are usually good about reconciling them. But it's almost like there is just not enough space in the room for both of us to be ourselves. We get along and, when we cooperate, we cover one another's weaknesses very well, but we have very different ideas about the ways in which one should go about things; advice is often taken as "offensive," as though we tread on one another's soft spots without noticing. I think these attitudes are coincident with the Super-Ego relationship.

My father is likely an Fi-EII. He and I are very similar in some respects: we strive to be exemplary, models for other people to follow within a community. However he likes the idea of being a little more behind the scenes, making his contribution by being a pioneer in his ideas and having a good nose for what needs to change. A good example of this is the school he started up: after doing his research he saw that having a tuition-free middle school for girls in the poor city next to the town in which he lives would be both beneficial to the people of the city, as well as the local economy. He knew that, with his skills as a fund-raiser and connection with some of the wealthiest people in the state, he could actually make this happen, that it was feasible. He put the plan together, and then, once it was clear that his idea was materializing, placed care of the project into the hands of someone he saw as more capable. He now gets very little recognition for what he has done; the woman he placed in charge (an LIE by my typing) is seen as the driving force for the school, when the idea was my dad's. He has no problem with this whatsoever, which, I think, is incredibly admirable, and is very indicative of a typical EII style of leadership.

I, however, prefer to "lead from the front," so to speak: I like to be a catalyst for change, to take the reigns and steer things where I think they should be going. I am very open to others' ideas, in both principle and practice, but only when I can slow down and put things in perspective. I like to be reassured that I am "still in control," and sometimes I need to be reminded that the use of others' ideas is not threatening to my status as the "leader;" it is not being the "idea guy" that is important to me, but I sometimes feel that if I'm not the idea guy, then what really IS important to me, being the leader and catalyst, is "in danger." An example of this that always comes to mind is the way in which I handled myself with a group of peers at the Brown Environmental Leadership Lab, a program I participated in for three summers during highschool. As I noted before, I went through a sort of "larval" stage in this program where, for the first year, I was somewhat reclusive, and the object of some bullying by an older guy, although I was widely liked by fellow campers and the counselors. During the second year, however, I was one of the oldest campers, and from the first night I quickly grabbed the reigns of the group in a social context by rousing late-night antics and developing a sense of group unity (giving one another nicknames, establishing running gags and "inside jokes" within the group, making them feel like they had someone to rally around). During some of the problem solving activities, once the task had been explained to us, I would quickly draw attention to myself and explain my idea for solving the problem. After a while, though, the counselors silenced me and made the group share their ideas about how problems should be solved, tasks approached, etc. When this happened I felt disheartened, like the group didn't "need" me any more, because people started sharing ideas and we didn't always just follow my plan. However after a while I realized that the group was still looking to me for initiative in implementing our chosen plan or idea; once I saw this, and realized that I hadn't been "deposed," as I initially felt, I was much more comfortable listening to other people, and from then on I had no problems placing the priority of other people's ideas over my own. To me, this sounds much more like something that an EIE would experience than an ILE or IEI; I think an ILE wouldn't be so drawn to actively exerting ideological or social control over a group (logical type [even SLEs are noted for liking to "rule from behind the scenes"], Se role [also for reference the socioniko.net description of ILE mentions disliking "taking the lead" unless he is needed or assigned to it]), but more interested in contributing ideas and "rewarded" for them with acceptance and positive response "(Fe Hidden Agenda); to me, this is not enough. By my own observations, I think an IEI would simply be less comfortable "leading" period (probably Se DS as opposed to HA), and would be more content or comfortable with the role of, say, indispensable adviser or devotee.

I am fairly sure that one of my roommates is an SEI-Fe, and he bothers the daylights out of me. For example the other day I left some chicken out to thaw, and we decided to go out to dinner with our third roommate; when I went to put the chicken back in the fridge, he asked me "Hey, do you think that chicken is still ok?" to which I mentally responded "OF COURSE ITS OK! IF IT WASN'T I WOULD THROW IT AWAY, JERK" but instead verbalized "Yeah, of course," to which he replied "...Are you sure?" at which point I felt like throwing the chicken at his face, while secretly beginning to doubt for no reason at all that my chicken was actually edible and wondering if it had salmonella and how long it would take a latent but insignificant amount of salmonella to spread from the outside of chicken skin inwards, and how much I would have to cut off to make it safe to eat but instead replied "Yeah, it hasn't been out long...", only to receive a cheerful "Oh, ok!" as my roommate bounced out the door to the car. Now, I can understand in hindsight that he was "checking" as to whether or not I had actually even THOUGHT about the chicken being ok, which, to me, was a no-brainer on the surface as I had actually thought of it, but is also not something completely out of the range of possibility for me to completely ignore , but my immediate reaction was "Oh god, has he been paying better attention than me? Does he know how long the chicken has been out? Does he remember how long I've had this chicken (because I don't )? Maybe he knows better than me how long a chicken should be left out...maybe he's trying to tell me something but he's being nice about it! Shit, should I throw it away?" Fortunately I have worked in a kitchen and have some idea about how long chicken can be left out as well as some idea about what it looks and smells like when it is not, in fact, ok to cook and eat, but if I hadn't, I probably would have thrown the chicken away on sheer force of suspicion and lack of confidence. That, to me, is an example of Si PoLR with logic in the Id block being supervised by SiFe.

[Gilly]

7/16 - Morning Update

lol at discojoe's numerous attempts to make fun of my type blog and its trendiness...AWWW HE JUST WANTS SOME OF THE ACTION. Unfortunately being snide isn't usually the best way to get praise. He will probably say he is just voicing his opinion in a creative manner or trying to get people to see how stupid this is or something similarly evasive and clever, but we all know he just wants people to agree with and approve of him.

GROUP HUG FOR PEEDURRR!!!!


So today I have to go to work after two days off. I forgot to set my alarm this morning o.o but I guess that's not entirely uncanny since I haven't had to think about it, or getting up at any particular time, for the last couple of days.

I definitely have an addictive personality, lol...when I got up and thought about the fact that I would be working today, the first though that came to my head was "FUCK, I don't want to work, I want to sit and go on stickam and play pokemon (emulators ftw) and be lazy again..." But I work at the coffee shop today, so at least I know I will have people to talk to and will get to goof around. I love that place I just make drinks and socialize and fuck around all day. So great. When people told me that one of the ups of working at a coffee shop was the "social aspect," I thought "What, like I'm going to meet people standing at the register or putting their food on a counter?" For some reason I took socializing with the other employees for granted, but now that I compare it to the bookstore, that's what makes the job so much more fun and interesting.


I am kind of contradicted about moving up north again. I don't know how tempting it will be for me to relapse if I am always with my three best friends, who all like to get fucked up, and am just chilling out all the time. However I know that at least one of them is almost as invested in my 2-year sobriety plan as I am, and he will definitely help me stay sober. Plus one of my friends is quitting smoking weed because he is getting surgery on his knee, and also because he is going to school in Humboldt County at some point and wants to experience their buds from a clean slate...I think he'll probably just pass out

I really do think my friend Chris needs to be "rescued" in some way, though, and my typing of him, IEI, only increases my suspicions. He is in a shitty cycle of debt and living with his parents and using all of his money for drugs; pretty much what I was doing at school, only while living with his rents. He is sortof trapping himself, but part of me thinks he probably doesn't even realize that he could be doing so much better. I think if he would just quit smoking like $40 of weed a day he could probably get himself out of debt and eventually save up enough to get out of his house, but without someone to help him just DO it, I don't think he ever will. I know it's probably none of my business, but I care about him, and I want him to do better for himself than just working at Radio Shack for the rest of his life; I want to be that kick in the pants that helps him get on with his life, and I think I can do it if I don't wait too long.

I have to say, though, I'm genuinely skeptical about my ability to save up enough dough to make the trip up north. That's gonna be like $400 in gas, and I haven't been amazing about saving so far. I need to try harder to not spend money that I don't need to spend, because I really want to do be able to get up north to help my friends and be with them (for the first time since 8th grade ) and eventually make our road trip out to the west coast. I think I can do it, but I have to put more effort into really making this happen than I am used to.

[ScarlettLux]

Welp, the one thing I've noticed us EIEs on the forum all have in common is a tendency to REALLY attention-whore it out, as if people actually care that much about our life stories and such =D LOL, I've done it, B&D has done it, BlueBlade has (yep, I think he's EIE instead of SLE?), Gilly has, I'm sure Kriistina has...

[Blaze]

Welp, the one thing I've noticed us EIEs on the forum all have in common is a tendency to REALLY attention-whore it out, as if people actually care that much about our life stories and such =D LOL, I've done it, B&D has done it, BlueBlade has (yep, I think he's EIE instead of SLE?), Gilly has, I'm sure Kriistina has...

yes yes i agree with this. lol it's like a classic EIE trait. i agree with your typings except for gill...i don't see EIE there.

[Ezra]

Welp, the one thing I've noticed us EIEs on the forum all have in common is a tendency to REALLY attention-whore it out, as if people actually care that much about our life stories and such =D LOL, I've done it, B&D has done it, BlueBlade has (yep, I think he's EIE instead of SLE?), Gilly has, I'm sure Kriistina has...

Fuck yes. It's painful to have to skip past all that shite.

ETA: I'm sorry, did I say painful? I meant extremely satisfying.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I'm not naive enough to think that people care, it's really just how I am. I mean I'm sure it comes across as very insecure, needy and clingy to other people but that is their issues and projections not mine lol.

The way people lash out their own insecurities on me is funny. One time after sharing a story about myself, this one really nasty individual talked about how I was just looking for negative attention. I kind of laughed and then asked him what interesting things happened in *his* life? DEAD SILENCE. He had nothing to say, no stories to tell. He didn't live, at ALL - that's why he had to try bring down others.

lol, yeah, painful to read, and it makes me somewhat embarrassed on behalf of Beta... but at least it brings some spice and lol's to the forum.

Sounds kind of condescending and dismissive on your part, what are YOUR issues? I'm also not 'Beta', my name happens to be Sam. I don't speak for all betas or homosexuals I'm just some of the more chattier ones and I'm thankful for that. =D And also stop trying to give what I do a point, to do so you are the point misser. To actually live life you have to risk embarrassment. To tell stories that actually make you interesting and a person that other people want to be around, you have to say "Fuck it" and just share.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

To Joy:

I'm not a victim, I'm a bystander of stupidity.

This article is a good read: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/bystander.shtml

[Gilly]

6th Function: Hidden Agenda
First Function: OBVIOUS Agenda

I really don't seriously expect people to reply when I post all this shit; it might be nice, and that is admittedly part of the point, but I don't feel disappointed at all when nobody replies; more than anything it's an exercise in not being as emotionally private as I have had a tendency to be in the past, because I think it's important to get this stuff off my chest, and I find I have an easier time going about my day when I don't think I'm the only one under my own skin. Somehow it's a motivator or tool for being less phony.

[Gilly]

7/16 Nighttime Update

So I've had this PSX emulator on my external hd for a long time now, and I've also had the iso for the game I've been wanting to play, but for some reason I could never get it to work until now. Maybe it's because I looked at the instructions! What a novel idea: trying to figure things out on your own isn't always the best route, and what better place to turn for guidance than an instruction manual? Brilliant!

Monster Rancher 2 is the most Fe game ever, rofl. It's like Pokemon only you get sort of close to one monster thingy and like get all personal with it...AND THEN IT DIES, lol. Forreal, your pets die in this one.

Anyways, you raise these little monsters by training their stats with these little drills and sending them on these things called "errantries" to boost their stats big time and learn new moves, then you send them to tournaments, and you work up in the ranks and eventually, when your monster gets famous, you can go on an "expedition" which is basically where you go with this explorer guy to some remote location and dig around for items. Pretty cool. I just love how you develop a connection with your monster; it almost feels like getting to know a pet It's sad that they have to die and all, but you can do this cryogenic freezing thing for storing them when they get "old," or you can "combine" (lol) them and get a new monster that is either the same species of one of the ones you combine, or some weird mixture (or, if your combiners are mixtures, you can also get mixtures of the main species and the other one's secondary species, or visa versa, or a mixture both of their secondary species...there are lots of mixtures, lol). So you train these monsters up and you can combine them, but one of the coolest things about this game is that you can take other CDs, games or music or whatever, and put them into your playstaion and go to the "shrine" and the lady at the shrine will like summon a new monster out of your disks. I've spent hours just going through my random CDs laying around trying to find the coolest monsters to raise or combine...it gets addictive I was afraid that this feature would be lost on the emulator, because, well, it's not a playstation and that is kind of a unique feature that I figured might not transfer onto a "ripped" version of the game, but lo and behold! my psx emulator has a thing where you can switch from the iso to your CD drive, thus enabling me to continue using the shrine and find lots of cool monsters even with my lack of a real playstation

lol, I have missed this game for so long; it was like an intense thing for me back when I was in middle school/early high school; it's pretty much what I replaced Pokemon with when I felt like I was too old for it (ludicrosity!)...and, well, if you've been on stickam chat when pokemon comes up, you know how much I love pokemon

Why are games where you raise monsters and compete for ranks so fucking awesome...

[Gilly]

...and the music, for some reason, really adds to the addictiveness...this game is great

[Gilly]

7/17 Midday Update

Another day off. I love being lazy, but I just worry about whether or not I will be in good mental shape to work after having so much time off recently. Getting into a "lazy groove" is fun but I always hate myself for it later.

Nick seems to like talking about how I act when I'm threatened or what threatens me, so maybe I will talk a bit about that with regards to my type.

I feel most threatened when I feel like an outsider. In some cases being the "one against many" is really empowering for me, if I feel like I am justified in saying what I'm saying, but often I get caught up in trying to take everyone on and end up wearing my attention too thin and I hit a wall in trying to address ALL of the arguments posed against me and just feel frustrated and discouraged somewhat. What actually gets to me, though, in fact one of the worst things I can imagine, is when I feel like people don't want or need me, like I am left out or rejected for being useless or not cool enough or whatever. It's never happened, but I think being fired from a job for something with regards to not actually doing my job well enough would be pretty painful to me, especially if I had friends at the job.

However what REALLY makes me feel stupid and totally powerless is when I feel like I am arguing something that is blatantly obvious to everyone but myself; that I am just ignoring reality and going in logical circles. If I am not entirely confident in my position, but try to take someone else on about it, I often end up feeling really stupid and embarrassed if the other person obviously knows a lot more than me about the subject at hand; however I can be a huge know-it-all so I probably wind up in more of these situations than I should, and entirely by my own fault, which usually contributes to my feelings of shame and stupidity (or, well, more like shame at perceived stupidity)

The other thing that really bothers me is people noticing or pointing out my build. I don't mind being called skinny in general, but if it's alluding to physical weakness or femininity, then I tend to feel judged and "shut down." That really pisses me off when it happens. I usually fire back with some witty/slightly caustic comeback, but I think it's obvious to people when it happens that it offends me at least somewhat. I dislike being thought of as weak and sometimes I do silly things to "look tough," even though I would probably never acknowledge that that's why I'm doing it.

There is probably nothing worse for me than feeling very intellectually inferior to another person, unless they are "on my side," in which case it almost

Feel free to use this information to try to belittle me in conflict, Nick, and see far far it gets you

[munenori2]

Monster Rancher 2 is the most Fe game ever, rofl. It's like Pokemon only you get sort of close to one monster thingy and like get all personal with it...AND THEN IT DIES, lol. Forreal, your pets die in this one.

Monster Rancher!!!

I loved that game so much, man.

[Gilly]

Mune likes taking care of monsters because he is SiFe