I find it interesting that INTJs and ESFJs supposedly have a dual relation.
I'm an INTJ and the eldest of 5 daughters. One of my sisters is an ESFJ. We have a very chummy relationship most of the time (aside from my occasional annoyance at her bubbliness, and her sensitivity to my critism). And yet I fight with her more than with any of the others.
The most interesting part of this is that all our conflicts have the exact same structure, which we have noticed and analyzed even before discovering our types. Originally, neither of us knew why the other, or even her self, reacted the way she did. Now that we are recognizing the problems (usually me, :wink: ), we are getting better at stopping the conflict before things escalate, but it still happens.
I offer this post simply for the intellectual benefit of whomever is interested. Though, if anyone thinks, by my discriptions, that I've got our types wrong, let me know.
It starts with a simple disagreement, usually about how something should be done.
We both try to explain to the other why we think or feel our position is better, usually I start to overpower her with my reasoning(whether actually right or not).
If she doesn't understand or still doesn't agree, she will usually try to end the discussion by saying that she no longer cares who is right. This is unacceptable to me. I am convinced that if I can explain my position in terms that she can understand, she will agree with me. Therefore, I continue to reason with her. At this point, if not before, I unconciously raise my voice in volume and pitch in (what I perceive as) my zealous defense of logic.
She, sensitive soul that she is, interprets my manner as anger (she doesn't mind discussion but hates conflict) and, believing that "a soft answer turns away wrath", collects herself and asks me calmly, "Why are you yelling?"
This drives me to a rage as absolutly nothing else can. In my mind, I was not angry, not even annoyed; simply excited. I sincerely want to help her understand, or even to agree with her if she can convince me that her way makes the most sense. Her inauthentic calmness and (what I interpret as) her accusation that I am being unreasonable incites my normally even temper to an indignant fury. (I use these strong words relatively. I almost never get angry, so this incediary reaction feels very strong.)
She now has the upperhand because I can't argue that I'm not yelling, since I now am. She then tries to stop the conflict again by stating that the conversation is over. But I refuse to let her off that easily, feeling like she has forced me in the "bad guy" position when I really had no malignant intentions.
At this point, my ISTP sister usually intervenes. As to the original argument, she usually agrees with my logic (HA! :wink: ). But then she reminds me that our ESFJ sister is sensitive to my voice and expression, and that my enthusiasm can indeed come across as anger or annoyance at incomprehension.
Things cool down, we compromise if possible, and neither of us holds the incident against the other. We go back to peaceful coexistence until the exact same situation occurs again.