hellothere, i picked some of your quotes that seemed significant. please correct any of my errors. i went out on a few limbs just in an effort to understand some potential weaknesses, so i realize i may be completely wrong.
Fear that most of what I say here will be irrelevant
when you have these types of thoughts, is it more like you know, but won't admit to others, that your contributions are valuable, or is it that you really fear you have offered nothing valuable?

So I might just be reacting to something I don’t like about myself
what dont you like about yourself?

I love hanging out with a small group of my friends, even then I can feel lost and isolated.
ennegram type is obvious, fwiw. 4w5, SX first -- this longing to connect deeply, yet the fear that goes along with it, and the need to withdraw after feeling as if you've revealed too much of yourself?

Worried about dominating the group’s work too much
is this because you value their independent work ethics or because you have little confidence in what you offer?

I feel annoyed when others don't offer thoughts on the things I am saying, and just blindly agree. In large groups I get lost and I would be the last person nominated to be a leader by people who don't know me well.
go with me here
when you're in these large groups and "get lost" how would you describe your mood? how quickly do you plummet into despair as a result of not being able to connect with people on a satisfactory level?

I place such a huge importance on understanding other's actions because of the extent to which I am affected by the problems people cause.
i wonder if you mean: a. the actions affect you in tangible ways (like person A stole my pbj sandwich, therefore i am hungry) or (b.) there is so much sadness all around me, and sometimes the only worth i see in my self or in the world is in making this sadness beautiful. therefore, i will excuse most peoples' wrongdoings. why? because it makes me sad, and i want to feel sad to the extreme. when i feel sad to the extreme, i am better able to feel happy to the extreme. (do you relate?)

Anyway ergh I feel so about how much I've written, I could go on for ages talking about myself, but this might be enough for now. just one thing that bothers me about what I've written is the number of fullstops and short sentences I've used... I don't think I normally write like that, but I guess its the easiest way for me to describe myself. Thanks to anyone who bothered reading all this!
beholden to mood. sensitive to the ebb and flow of peoples emotions, try to understand them, but fear them, deeply desire connection with people, but are very selective about who you will attempt to connect with. it is a great risk to reveal oneself too personally. often it is better to say nothing at all, but the consequence but sometimes the urge to connect becomes too powerful, so you give in, and afterwards feel ashamed. (accurate or not? please advise).

I'm not sure I quite understood the question about activities, but I'll try to answer anyway
I notice a lot of disclaimers. is this to protect yourself from being wrong? I’m not sure if this is an example of Te Polr.

Also because 'slacking off' isn't consistent with how I perceive myself, so if someone told me I was doing it, I would initially have a hard time believing it.
of course. Because time (including being late/early) is meaningful . things happen, and you probably draw meaning from the spontaneous events, or from anything slightly out of the ordinary? Do you infuse ordinary/mundane things and experiences with meaning?

plantrootz, I think I would find that more fake and needy. Though (and I'm not sure if this is what you meant), I don't mind formal "introduce yourself" type things because it gives me an excuse to talk about myself and get to know other people.
– I do not like these introductions. I would rather people not even know my name unless I choose to tell them, if there is reason to. also, again i see this expression of uncertainty re: understanding the question.

munenori, I definitely identify with most of the INFj description (I only read the first link, though I will read the second after I post this). But then sometimes I wonder whether thats just what I'd like to be, or whether that's the kind of person I'd most admire. But like I said, I still like 'who I am", so its not necessarily inconsistent. thanks for the advice by the way
do you ever find that you have to convince yourself that you like who you are? Does telling people that you like who you are help convince you?

I would first roll my eyes and feel uncomfortable... though at the same time I would appreciate what they were trying to do.
what do you appreciate about what they’re trying to do?

plantrootz, i don't really get THAT annoyed... but I guess its just because if I turn up on time I feel disappointed that the other person didn't reciprocate the effort. Also, if it's a social thing, something that I am looking forward to, then other people being late just means I get to spend less time with them/
is the implication that they did not care about the activity, perhaps an activity you valued? Or that they do not care about you (or at least that there are more important /valuable things they would rather be doing)?

I can remember I had a really good idea and told the person responsible for that section of the work to include it... Then he sent me an updated version and my idea was not included, which was disappointing, but I did not pursue it further because I don't like telling people what to do.
I don’t see the connection between being disappointed and not saying anything because you don’t like telling people what to do. Not saying something because you fear your idea will be rejected/misunderstood sounds more likely. correct me if I am wrong. i am not trying to pick, just trying to understand.

I think what I said about "people have to accept each other more", might be a bit misleading and I kind of feel guilty for having said it.
are you concerned that you have pressured people to change how they are in order to superficially accept someone (because you said they should)? is this what bothers you or is it more that you dont like bossiness in any form? or perhaps you do not like any air of moral superiority?

i love it when i come across people like you in forums... usually it seem people can be very cold and indifferent to each other on internet forums .
– I don’t see how this can be Fe POLr.

(I will probably cringe at what I wrote just then in a few hours)
because you think it makes you appear (fill in the blank?) because you want to be liked, but don’t want to manipulate people into liking you? how can you tell when you are truly liked? What qualities might this person who truly likes you possess, and how would he/she express to you that you are liked?

So I bothered to look up what all these terms mean (PoLR, Hidden agenda), and I have to say this analysis is pretty consistent with me (I also have to say I'm a bit disappointed by the move away from INFp/INFj).
Full of irony .

Another thought: I spend an immense amount of time (basically whenever I'm alone) having conversations in my head. Not really conversations, but monologues. Explaining things (a lot about myself, but also about other random things) as if I was having a conversation with someone. Lost in thought I guess. However when I'm put in the middle of a social situation (which i'm not reluctant to be in, e.g. with my friends), I become very aware and observant. Does this say anything about S/N?
I do this all the time too. I think Ni is pretty clear for you although I wouldn’t say that based on this quote alone.

based on all the above, i would say INFp