4w3 drama anyone?

[Shytan]

Any EII 4w3s? Are you as conflicted as I am?
Ugh sometimes I just want to not exist. I got drunk yesternight and dramatically broke up with my boyfriend and my best friend. Over reasons that seem so minor today. It was just lack of attention actually. I'm currently considering switching off my phone and locking myself in my house for a week or so but I know I can't do that because I need people. Plus I want to apologize but then again I don't want to, because it's awkward and I feel like such a crazy bitch and a reject. Sometimes I think I'm just destructive. Sorry to bug you with this post. It's actually just a vent.

[Beautiful sky]

Hi

Were you feeling some irritation towards your relations before getting drunk?

So they didn't pay attention to you that is why you were upset at them?

"I'm currently considering switching off my phone and locking myself in my house for a week or so but I know I can't do that because I need people."

I understand that you're upset at yourself and sometimes when I am upset at myself I feel like some kind of self punishment will set me strait but I don't think it works. Executioner's block, that's what that is called.

You need to relax
And if you can't relax I suggest some kind of outdoor activity. I really really feel like it would help for you to go on a hike or a walk where you don't do any internal dialogue or try your best to disengage from it by telling yourself that "I'm here to look at the world around me." I hope that you live in a safe place where you can do this.

"I feel like such a crazy bitch and a reject"
You're not crazy. You over reacted probably. Don't beat yourself up. Accept your emotions because they came from some place. You were upset and without using your foresight or thinking about consequences you reacted. That's okay. What you will do next is up to you. Are you sorry that it happened? If you are I would offer a gift to your friend maybe flowers and an apology. From there you'll see how she/he reacts to it and if they want to continue the friendship.

"Sometimes I think I'm just destructive."

Fi is destructive and self destructive. It happens to Fi. It happens my dear. That's just the nature of the function. Fix your relationships if you want and value those relations, learn your lessons, and learn that we all forgive at one point in our lives. We're human.

[Adam Strange]

This is kind of amazing, Shaebette. I have seen this exact kind of behavior from an IEI that I know. I thought it was from her being IEI, but maybe she is 4w3. Certainly, she seems to feel that something's missing and other people have it, and she doesn't, which is core e4. She also looks terrific, and I mean terrific, which I assume is the 3 wing.

I was talking with her one day and out of the blue she told one of her best friends and me at the same time to get lost and never talk to her again. After six months, she approached me and said Hi to me, and I kind of got the impression that she was super embarrassed and wanted to mend fences, which I was happy to do. I'm just a bit more cautious now, though.

That was actually the second time she blew up at me, but in both cases, she was under a lot of stress. It was in the form of her being afraid that someone she cared about might be rejecting her.

I think she felt terrible about what she had done the second time, because when she told me to never speak to her again, I took her at her word and didn't, up until the day she approached me. For the record, her behavior upset me, but I got over it and I sympathize with her. I'm not exactly without problems, myself.

[Shytan]

@Maritsa
"So they didn't pay attention to you that is why you were upset at them?"
Something like that. I just felt like they had been distant. Yes I was feeling like that before I got drunk but I think I blew up the issue.
"I hope that you live in a safe place where you can do this." Yes I do. And thanks that's a really good idea. I'll go to the park and sit there for a while. Enjoy nature. Try not to over think.
You're right. I should probably buy a gift to show how apologetic I am.
Friggin Fi. Doesn't help that it's our first function either, does it?

[Shytan]

@Adam Strange "It was in the form of her being afraid that someone she cared about might be rejecting her." This is actually the main reason I overreacted like that. Actually every time.
I knew it! It's the fucking 4w3 influence! Your friend acts a lot like I do. Thank you for taking her back We don't really mean it. It's just that when we start questioning how much we mean to someone we love, it spreads out to EVERYONE we love (if that makes sense); which leads to a lot of hurt and consequently actions like cutting you off.

[Adam Strange]

@Adam Strange "It was in the form of her being afraid that someone she cared about might be rejecting her." This is actually the main reason I overreacted like that. Actually every time.
I knew it! It's the fucking 4w3 influence! Your friend acts a lot like I do. Thank you for taking her back We don't really mean it. It's just that when we start questioning how much we mean to someone we love, it spreads out to EVERYONE we love (if that makes sense); which leads to a lot of hurt and consequently actions like cutting you off.

If you want my two cent psychology opinion, I suspect that this is a reaction to being rejected by a parent when very young. The whole thing of rejecting someone before they can reject you, of doing it without any rational thought (because the reaction was formed before the rational thought process was developed and is now automatic), and the e4 idea that something in your life is missing (love, or being worthy of love, or why else would they have rejected you?) but other people have it, all these things point to an early rejection of the self by a loved one. In my completely unprofessional opinion.

I have yet to decide if the incident forms the character, or if the incident is interpreted by the character. But a lot of e4's are associated with this behavior.

For what it is worth, my mother never really loved us (me and my two sisters), or if she did, she had a strange way of showing it. We had a deal with her, not love. As long as we obeyed her, we could live in her house. Infractions were met with physical violence and verbal abuse. So rejection is something that I'm familiar with. I somehow reacted to my situation by becoming an e8, with a tritype of 836, the Justice Fighter. Lol.

[Beautiful sky]

@Maritsa
"So they didn't pay attention to you that is why you were upset at them?"
Something like that. I just felt like they had been distant. Yes I was feeling like that before I got drunk but I think I blew up the issue.
"I hope that you live in a safe place where you can do this." Yes I do. And thanks that's a really good idea. I'll go to the park and sit there for a while. Enjoy nature. Try not to over think.
You're right. I should probably buy a gift to show how apologetic I am.
Friggin Fi. Doesn't help that it's our first function either, does it?

Fi is strange and the reactions come from deep wanting or expectations. Often times the expectations are not communicated leaving everyone at aw when there's a sudden reaction, which really surprises others and takes them off guard.

It's best to hold yourself back from reacting. When you feel that someone has done something wrong and you are feeling bad emotions surface it would help to practice standing still and counting to ten in your mind then saying something like this "I feel hurt about something right now and I need to take a few minutes to get my bearings together. Would it be alright if we spoke later?"

Then go in your private space and ask yourself why you're upset. You're obviously upset because you felt ignored. Then you can come back and ask the person closest to you in terms of relationship "Was it your intention to ignore me? I'm asking because I felt ignored."

It's good exercise for introverts to detach from feeling reactions and use words to communicate.

I go to close friends and ask one by one by one "Do you think they were trying to ignore me?" I gather perspectives and many avenues of thought and then if I'm unclear or uncertain I'll go to the individual directly but very calmly ask what's going on.

All of this causes me to avoid reaction and avoid doing thing that will eat at me mentally later on.

Obviously you felt rejection from your closest relations was wrong, as in you made some kind of ethical judgement.

[Shytan]

@Adam Strange It kind of makes sense, but I'm not sure it applies to me. My parents were very loving, I'd say. My IEE mom stopped working to take care of us and my dad is a very dedicated SLI father who made sure we had everything we wanted and needed. It would apply if rejection were to be replaced by emotional absence, which I can relate to. In general, I think I was BORN a Four, not made one.

[Shytan]

@Maritsa Thank you so much. You're so sweet I just want to
Fi can definitely come as a shocker to many especially when you've piled up all your emotions just to vent all of them at once.

[Beautiful sky]

@Maritsa Thank you so much. You're so sweet I just want to
Fi can definitely come as a shocker to many especially when you've piled up all your emotions just to vent all of them at once.

Welcome

[Chae]

Integrate 1 - what solution to the problem matches your ideals best?

[huiheiwufhawriuhg]

You'll grow out of it

[Shytan]

@Fay Did you?

[huiheiwufhawriuhg]

@Fay Did you?

Oh yes, I did.

[Adam Strange]

@Adam Strange It kind of makes sense, but I'm not sure it applies to me. My parents were very loving, I'd say. My IEE mom stopped working to take care of us and my dad is a very dedicated SLI father who made sure we had everything we wanted and needed. It would apply if rejection were to be replaced by emotional absence, which I can relate to. In general, I think I was BORN a Four, not made one.

Thank you, @Shaebette, for writing that. I appreciate it very much. My father is also an emotionally absent SLI, and my mother an emotionally absent (and violent) LSE. I didn't make the connection between me feeling rejected and their emotional absence before you wrote that.

I just thought of something kind of weird. When I was born, my father was away in the military and my mother let my ESI grandmother raise me for the first year of my life. Everything in my life changed when my grandfather died and my SLI father returned and our family (mother, father, and me) moved out of my grandmother's house and into a small apartment. My mother laughingly told me once that I became withdrawn and depressed and kept begging her to go back and live with grandma.

I think she took this as personal criticism. Which it was. Lol.

....to not derail your thread...

But this may have some relevance to an EII, whose dual is a Te-dom LSE.

As a Te-dom,I am usually pretty unemotional. Some people have typed me as an ESTj, but I'm clearly not one. I just realized this morning (I'm kind of slow) that because my narcissistic LSE mother tried to replace the person who I am with her own personality, that may be why I can both appear ESTj-like (leftover chameleon defense) and still have an automatic, visceral rejection of the LSE type.

I've also buried any feelings I have (1D Fi), and I try very hard to not get too close to people, because I imagine that if I get too close, I will fall into the sticky tar pits of their emotions and be unable to extricate myself, lose my potential for action, and suffocate. (This might be just me, or it might be true of many Te-doms, IDK.)

In my normal dealings with Fi-doms, I like to keep an emotional distance and just focus on business. I'm much more comfortable with people who demonstrate strong Te or Ti.
However...
I recently dated an LSI, who has Fi-Role. She kind of sneaked in under my Fi-dar defenses because I was just seeing Ti and Se, but once in, I found that she did have Fi and I found that just being with her was very comfortable. She also gave me my space and didn't try to cage me in, and that helped me feel simultaneously free and safe (from control) in the relationship.

I don't know if any of this will apply to your own dealings with LSE's. They tend to find one woman and lock on to her. If they appear to be straying, it is really a call to you for help with the question of "Do you still love me enough to object to me straying? I've been calling and you haven't been answering recently, and this is my last hope to get your attention". But I hope this will be helpful if you ever need it.

[Singu]

Yeah I don't know, I think e4s tend to cut off relations with people over stupid shit. They have high expectations and ideals of people, and they get mad if people don't act in the way that they would expect. Perhaps it's a form of control.

This from the potential problems with 4s and 7s:

Both have high expectations for the kind of attention and quality of interactions they want from others, and if they are not forthcoming, both tend to not give others too many second chances to prove themselves.

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/r...-4-with-type-7

[Shytan]

@Adam Strange I'm guessing living with your probably very emotionally present grandmother then going back to living with your mother kind of intensified the rejection you felt, because you had a basis of comparison between how the two parental figures in your early life treated you.

I do agree with you about LSEs locking onto one woman. I think it has a lot to do with Fi seeking, so they would crave that unconditional love from that one person...or animal. Which is also why they do not like being betrayed or lied to. I'm not sure though.