ENFps, can you relate?

[Kim]

I went to a dinner party today. We had a conference and participants were invited to this dinner, so there were about 30-40 people there. I only knew very few and none very well. No friends of mine were there. I always feel anxious when I have to go to things like that by myself because I am afraid to be awkward and I feel a little lost in crowds.

My observations about myself: when I arrive, I look around and try to find someone I can greet (someone I know, the host, the dog, etc.). Then I check where I can get something to drink. Then I look around for a group of people who seem to talk about general stuff or stuff I can relate to, etc. and join them. I smile and nod and when I feel I have something to contribute, I do. Sometimes I end up talking to someone one on one, but that can turn awkward when we run out of things to say. Tonight I had a few sort of awkward (but not painful) conversations. Then I joined a table and was drawn into a conversation with one of the people there. This continued this for the next two hours. I couldn't get a word in, but I was quite comfortable because a) she obviously enjoyed talking to me, b) it was not awkward, c) I felt temporarily connected to someone (not in a deep spiritual way, just a friendly natural one), d) most of what she had to say was interesting.

I also enjoy talking with people in groups of three or four. In large groups, I prefer to listen. I don't have this initial anxiety when I go to events where I know people well. In that case, I am more outgoing, more likely to introduce myself to new people, and enjoy being the center of attention (but don't have to be). In this scenario tonight, people would have described me as shy and introverted, but friendly and open to listening and engaging, but not necessarily eager to take the initiative (but not too reluctant either).

Can you relate to this, ENFps?

[Creepy-male]

Absolutely.

I was at a big asexual meet with around 15 peeps, I wound up just sitting back and listening. This ESE kept trying to get me to talk, though. Fact is, I didn't have much to talk about \:

It really is easier to just listen.

[meatburger]

I only relate about 1000%. Going to a party like that where you dont know anybody can really blow, i hate those awkward conversations so much. A common theme of mine is not having anything to say and being quite conscious of it. Some people can just shoot the breeze about plenty of things but im not too good at it. Its like with most people im just looking at their face and body language, and trying to keep the conversation going by saying whatever, like a rope thats slowly slipping out of my hands lol. Hard to just relax.

As ive got older though im pretty good at just ejecting myself from conversations that are going downhill. I dont feel as bad just saying a brief hi to someone i know or just leaving after a few words. Typically all you need to do is go to the toilet or get a drink and the other person will leave. Sometimes they give you that awkward look when you get back but you both understand its for the best . Sometimes i can also spur myself into going up to the different groups its just how im feeling.

and yep, when you find someone who can talk and seems comfortable it makes things a whole lot better.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I think awkward social situations are so well common (even amongst people you supposedly know) that when something is rarely not so awkward we can confuse that with real love. Yeah, it *is* that bad. Oh the humanity!

I'm a natural wallflower. I try to talk and it's just... it's just not good. Everything feels forced and heavy-handed and overly introverted like. Like there's no naturalness to my voice, I can only speechify and dictate. They do something weird they think is cute or funny or talk about something I have no interest. I can only listen.

[consentingadult]

Yes, I can relate to this very well. IEEs are sensitive to being judged, which makes us less 'socially adequate' than most people think we are.

That being said, sometimes you get in a social situation where everything just seems to run smoothly; typically because the people there are my kind of people.

I used to be owner and webmaster of a social community, where people would meet in real life to do all kinds of leisurely activities. But even in my role of 'host' I would not always feel comfortable with the situation. But at times I would stick to an INFp woman (because I wanted to get into her panties), but sometimes also to an ESTj woman (because the conversation went really well and felt authentic). In both cases I would typically forget about my role as host

[consentingadult]

...Typically all you need to do is go to the toilet...

Going to the toilet used to be my way of getting out of a conversation and transfer to another group of people

[jessica129]

Why did you go? I hate those sorts of parties. I usually hang out in the bathroom to stall time or pretend I'm calling someone on my phone.

[consentingadult]

Why did you go? I hate those sorts of parties. I usually hang out in the bathroom to stall time or pretend I'm calling someone on my phone.

Ah, is that where I can find SLI's? No wonder I've been so lonely for most of my life

[jessica129]

haha, in general I can't stand parties so yeah...probobly don't want rely on those to meet SLI's...at least not me

[Creepy-male]

So where do SLIs hang out?

[jessica129]

I don't really "hang out" with people...I mean, when I'm out with people there's a purpose, ya know? To see a movie, to go to a concert, to go out to eat, to go shopping, etc. The places I frequent most often would be the gym and my bed.

Ok, sorry Kim...didn't mean to go off topic.

[jewels]

yeah I completely relate. I absolutely hate going to events where everyone else knows each other and I don't know anyone. I have gone to a few networking events like that, and I do force myself to talk to people/appear friendly, but it's sort of an act and a lot of work. I find it very stressful. I'd rather go and sorta know everyone, or at least have been introduced so it's not weird to say "hi." I think ENFps hate awkwardness...

I have run a few groups and prefer that since even though it's a lot of work, I know how to prevent/get rid of any awkwardness that may happen btwn new people who don't know each other...so I'll greet every single person who shows up, include them in a group, etc., so no one is left to wander.

But I'd really just prefer to hang out w/a few people/small group I know well, as that is not stressful and takes no effort.

[Kim]

Why did you go? I hate those sorts of parties. I usually hang out in the bathroom to stall time or pretend I'm calling someone on my phone.

This was a conference in my field, which is not hugely big, and there was a reception and this dinner. I had missed the reception because I was too tired to go, so I couldn't really miss the dinner. One reason was that I know and really really like the organizer, but it's also something where I can network with people. I hate networking! But I have to do it. It will get easier as I meet these people more often. And it really was helpful in terms of exchanging information because one wants to collaborate on a project, another offered to stay with his family should I visit his city (which I hope to do soon), etc. It was worth the effort (because most people were very nice), but it's no easy task for me.

[Kim]

I have run a few groups and prefer that since even though it's a lot of work, I know how to prevent/get rid of any awkwardness that may happen btwn new people who don't know each other...so I'll greet every single person who shows up, include them in a group, etc., so no one is left to wander.

Yes, I do that, too, and I enjoy it a lot.

The hosts of my dinner thing (LOVELY people!) did it, too, but there were so many people there...

[Kim]

Ok, sorry Kim...didn't mean to go off topic.

Oh, no worries! I find this very interesting!

[Sirena]

I'm a natural wallflower. I try to talk and it's just... it's just not good. Everything feels forced and heavy-handed and overly introverted like. Like there's no naturalness to my voice, I can only speechify and dictate. They do something weird they think is cute or funny or talk about something I have no interest. I can only listen.

Yes! I always end up feeling like I'm not talking like a "normal" person. It's like I'm hearing myself from the outside and just sound weird and no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself say things the way most people do. I just sound different and at times like these it's painfully obvious. So yeah I've just learned to sit back and listen, after trying to avoid being in this situation in the first place at all costs, that is.

P.S. Hope it's okay I'm even in this thread since I'm pretty sure now I'm not IEE.

[meatburger]

Do any other ENFp's find they are very good at introducing themselves to people though? I actually find i can go up to anyone and say hi, look them in the eyes, mirror their body language and im smooth as silk. I also adjust slightly depending on if they are intellectual, laid back, tense, shy, tough etc. If my mood isn't too bad i almost always make a good impression or at least gain some respect.

Its quite easy to talk to someone at first because i just ask lots of questions. Then i kind of add statements from my own knowledge and understanding. I find i can do this for a shortish point of time fairly well because many people love to talk about themselves. Ideally once that short time has passed its time to move onto the next person and gain a superficial understanding of them. Unless of course they are really interesting

[Simon Ssmall]

Do any other ENFp's find they are very good at introducing themselves to people though? I actually find i can go up to anyone and say hi, look them in the eyes, mirror their body language and im smooth as silk. I also adjust slightly depending on if they are intellectual, laid back, tense, shy, tough etc. If my mood isn't too bad i almost always make a good impression or at least gain some respect.

Its quite easy to talk to someone at first because i just ask lots of questions. Then i kind of add statements from my own knowledge and understanding. I find i can do this for a shortish point of time fairly well because many people love to talk about themselves. Ideally once that short time has passed its time to move onto the next person and gain a superficial understanding of them. Unless of course they are really interesting

I find it easy to get to know people or to introduce myself to them BUT I have to be in a setting it makes sense to me. I find it easy if it is some work party or if it is someones birthday or whatnot or if am traveling. However I dread those picking up near the bar or in a club type of things (even if i did those a few times), I find them hard as I dislike to sort of "invade" others people space if that makes sense. Oh and I find it very very easy to make conversations with new people as I can easily see in what way to talk with the person and quite fast can grasp what they value or not.

[meatburger]

I find it easy to get to know people or to introduce myself to them BUT I have to be in a setting it makes sense to me. I find it easy if it is some work party or if it is someones birthday or whatnot or I if am traveling. However I dread those picking up near the bar or in a club type of things (eve if i did those a few times), I find them hard as I dislike to sort of "invade" others people space if that makes sense. Oh and I find it very very easy to make conversations with new people as I can easily see in what way to talk with the person and quite fast can grasp what they value or not.

I agree with everything you said

[Simon Ssmall]

I agree with everything you said

Likewise. If I will ever go to Australia (which I will certainly do) you will have a lot of explaining to do mister.

[Creepy-male]

Whatever, but I get you first.

SSMALL IS MINE! MINE, I SAY!

[meatburger]

ok i will just have to deal with sloppy seconds then