Effects on child of having a "conflictor" parent?

[Cheesy]

What effects could that have on a person's type/personality?

[Park]

I would say there would be good chances for negative effects on the person's mental and emotional health.

[Cheesy]

yep.

I can imagine that the parent would constantly be annoyed by his child's behavior and would react negatively or ignore it (speaking from my own personal experience as a child) thus conditioning the child to suppress that behavior or even be ashamed of it (slowly learning that being you is something bad).
Do you think this could suppress the natural manifestations of your authentic type later on in life? That would mean a bumpy road until you actually get to the point of recovering from that horrid inhibition. In socionics terms, maybe a close interaction with a dual could be the cure?

[dbmmama]

yep.

I can imagine that the parent would constantly be annoyed by his child's behavior and would react negatively or ignore it (speaking from my own personal experience as a child) thus conditioning the child to suppress that behavior or even be ashamed of it (slowly learning that being you is something bad).
Do you think this could suppress the natural manifestations of your authentic type later on in life? That would mean a bumpy road until you actually get to the point of recovering from that horrid inhibition. In socionics terms, maybe a close interaction with a dual could be the cure?

i think you've hit it on the head there.

this happened to me and my hubby really helped me, not consciously, but by being himself, over the years. i know i did the same for him. his mom was even worse at the suppressing of his naturalness than mine.

i've at least made amends with my mom and get along with her now.

i think what it did for me was suppress a lot of my natural strengths, but then it made other valued things shine through more to make up for them. now, i have a balance with my top things that i wouldn't have had otherwise. which is really the thing making it hard to figure out my type.

the interesting thing about my mom is that we are actually very similar. she just didn't/hasn't grown in the same ways i did from having her as a mom. and those things are the things that are making me be the kind of mom i "wished" she was with me, unconditionally loving and accepting of whatever each of kids' natural "ways" are of being and doing and thinking and seeing the world......

she was seeing in me, the stuff that she thought was "wrong" with her, from her own upbringing. i have a son that is just like me and i hear my mom say to me every once in a while the same things she said about me growing up. i know what it's all about now and help open her eyes to what's going on and then she understands better now. not that she agrees but she does respect what i'm doing now.

[Expat]

I can imagine that the parent would constantly be annoyed by his child's behavior and would react negatively or ignore it (speaking from my own personal experience as a child) thus conditioning the child to suppress that behavior or even be ashamed of it (slowly learning that being you is something bad).

I grew up with a conflicting parent, and the above is very accurate, except for this -- in my case, I never really "learned" that being myself was something bad, or something to be ashamed of, because I never accepted that as being true. What I did start to think was that I lived in a world full of people who did think that. A feeling of, "most people are idiots, but that's the only world I have to live in. Which sucks".

Do you think this could suppress the natural manifestations of your authentic type later on in life? That would mean a bumpy road until you actually get to the point of recovering from that horrid inhibition. In socionics terms, maybe a close interaction with a dual could be the cure?

Yes. And then you realize what a relative waste your life up to then had been.

[liveandletlive]

I grew up with a conflict parent and i still feel inadequate and that i suck

[dbmmama]

I grew up with a conflict parent and i still feel inadequate and that i suck

for real? NO! you are one of the coolest people here.

[normal]

yep, I'm pretty sure. A conflicting parent would (in long terms) have negative effect on the child abd I still have problem related with that. It sucks hard.

[dbmmama]

alright folks. because of the reason of this whole thread is why i became a mom and why i do spiritual healing inner child regression work with others. (not currently because of certain life circumstances). but, to me, this is the most important thing in the world!!!!!!!

i think this happens to a LOT of people and it IS the suckiest thing ever to not be happy to be yourself or think you are good enough being yourself....

somewhere along the line, i "took it on my shoulders" to want to help anyone and everyone i could with this. if anyone wants to pm me about some things i know you could do that would help with it, lmk.

BIG HUGS!

[Blaze]

uh...supervisor parents i think are just as bad.

[Cheesy]

I think that there are several implications this could have on one's type. One could be that the person would become a watered-down version of themselves. They would still be their original type but they wouldn't be able to make the best of themselves because their potential strengths (their leading and second functions) were always suppressed and not reinforced. The most outrageous and painful scenario regarding a person's type could be that the person would change their type. I think that they would have their authentic type buried somewhere but would suppress it in themselves. Could that actually happen?

In a world ruled by socionics (oh no!), there could be this center of people who grew up with a conflicting parent and every person would be matched up with their dual so that they could help each other reawaken their true personality. It would be a place to help you recover from the exact opposite experience.

dbmmama, it's really great that you're trying to stop your mother from doing the same thing to your son. Parents really do need help on how to help their children make the best of their authentic self.
I think that the effect of having a conflicting/super-ego parent on me was that I tried to be some neutral personality instead of being the best me.

Having a supervisor for a parent would have implications that are more in the direction of low self esteem. Super ego relations would also have similar effects to having conflicting relations but in a somewhat more subtle way.

Expat, I think it's very cool that the impact wasn't that of self blame but wasn't that a tough world to live in?

For all of you, I believe that life experiences (meeting people that accept you, learning to appreciate who you really are) can help you regain some of what was lost.

[Expat]

Expat, I think it's very cool that the impact wasn't that of self blame but wasn't that a tough world to live in?

I guess that the impact was that I became extremely skeptical of , which is still, perhaps, a more sensitive area than it would otherwise be.

[Expat]

Let me clarify this. I think that my first reaction, upon meeting ESIs (and EIIs), for a long time was, "are they for real?"

[Kristiina]

uh...supervisor parents i think are just as bad.

how about one supervising and one superego. Not really what I'd call "super-parents". I think those two together can be as bad as one conflicting. I don't think I'm quite over that. Relations with my supervising mom are socionically interesting - over the years she has developed an odd admiration for me. As it turns out, she has thought for a while that I can accoplish anything that I desire because I am determined, skilled and intelligent. I wish I had heard any of that when i was growing up. Even subtle hints. Anything.

[Cheesy]

I guess that the impact was that I became extremely skeptical of , which is still, perhaps, a more sensitive area than it would otherwise be.

Yeah, I can see how that happens. I think it drove me into being skeptical about my own personality. I have to say that your leading function survived this experience unbelievably well, it gives me hope.

[liveandletlive]

for real? NO! you are one of the coolest people here.

thanks

[Expat]

Yeah, I can see how that happens. I think it drove me into being skeptical about my own personality. I have to say that your leading function survived this experience unbelievably well, it gives me hope.

Okay let me get more into this, with some examples.

It's not just about conflicting parents. It's about whether your leading function is welcomed by them, and whether they understand and fulfill your dual-seeking needs.

Also, I don't think there is a problem with your leading function surviving or not -- your leading function is where you take refuge in, your basic window to the world, the way the world is or should be. That never changes. What an unfavourable environment does is inhibit you from "offering" your leading function to others.

So, for instance -- an ESI girl I've known my entire life. Her parents were LSI and SEI, and her brother, SLI. She was very unhappy while living at home. She got no Te from her mother (with whom she spent most time) and not so much from her father. She was also unhappy because what the parents valued was Fe not Fi. With her brother it should be better, but he found her "boring" because he got no Ne from her. She felt extremely lonely and unhappy at home, and she also did badly at school, which made the low-Ne parents dismiss her as "hopeless". She was only happy when spending time with her German shepherd. Happy ending: she left home to get married to a Te-leading type and is now very happy.

In my own case, for very long I took for granted that whenever I got into Te-talking mode I was being boring or annoying, so I took a more silent persona, until I realized that there were indeed people who liked my Te.

I think that whatever beating your leading function takes, it will emerge very easily under the right circumstances.

[Cheesy]

Okay let me get more into this, with some examples.

It's not just about conflicting parents. It's about whether your leading function is welcomed by them, and whether they understand and fulfill your dual-seeking needs.

Also, I don't think there is a problem with your leading function surviving or not -- your leading function is where you take refuge in, your basic window to the world, the way the world is or should be. That never changes. What an unfavourable environment does is inhibit you from "offering" your leading function to others.

So, for instance -- an ESI girl I've known my entire life. Her parents were LSI and SEI, and her brother, SLI. She was very unhappy while living at home. She got no Te from her mother (with whom she spent most time) and not so much from her father. She was also unhappy because what the parents valued was Fe not Fi. With her brother it should be better, but he found her "boring" because he got no Ne from her. She felt extremely lonely and unhappy at home, and she also did badly at school, which made the low-Ne parents dismiss her as "hopeless". She was only happy when spending time with her German shepherd. Happy ending: she left home to get married to a Te-leading type and is now very happy.

In my own case, for very long I took for granted that whenever I got into Te-talking mode I was being boring or annoying, so I took a more silent persona, until I realized that there were indeed people who liked my Te.

I think that whatever beating your leading function takes, it will emerge very easily under the right circumstances.

The feeling that what I talk about is boring/annoying is something that I felt strongly in my life. I can also relate to the story of the ESI girl, I know what it's like to live in that sort of environment.

Most of the people in my life (but not my family) appreciate my Ne but not so much my Fi. It feels like I'm appreciated for one side of my personality. I can offer people Fi, the problem is that I've met people that don't ask for that part of me. Most of the time I feel like no one wants to hear my Fi insight (in my past it was my mom and dad, today it's most of my friends) and my Ne has been completely rejected by my mom and sister which is something that held me back from acting more naturally.

I still don't know which one is my leading function because either way things were twisted into making me believe that my personality wasn't welcomed. I'm currently changing that perception but there's always a trace of that feeling. Sometimes I think that I'm led by Fi but most of the time I don't get the chance to develop it and my Ne is more welcomed anyway (not by my family) so that's the part that many people get to see in me.

My aspiration is to get to the stage that whatever comes naturally for me is what I'll actually do instead of holding back. My aspiration is be true to myself. I can see what you mean about the leading function emerging when the circumstances are right, I just think that it makes it much more difficult for a person to be themselves without trying to alter it. For me it almost became an instinct.

[duality is cringe]

I was raised mostly by my EIE mother (whom I'm still living with).

I'm more misanthropic and reclusive than most other SLIs appear to be.

[Mea]

Let me clarify this. I think that my first reaction, upon meeting ESIs (and EIIs), for a long time was, "are they for real?"

? Why? what do you mean? is that like a good reaction?

I grew with with a conflictor parent too.

[xyz]

I grew up with an identical parent. Life was pretty smooth with them

[Mea]

I grew up with an identical parent. Life was pretty smooth with them

lucky..

[xyz]

lucky..

It's good and bad.

My dad and I can relate alot but we have pretty much the same short comings (bad at communicating emotions, real bad at seeing whats not right in front of us).

Although it's always fun when my dad goes on about my mom's inability to be efficient

But yeah, I AM real lucky. I didn't know so many people had conflicting (or supervising) parents.

[Mea]

It's good and bad.

My dad and I can relate alot but we have pretty much the same short comings (bad at communicating emotions, real bad at seeing whats not right in front of us).

Although it's always fun when my dad goes on about my mom's inability to be efficient

But yeah, I AM real lucky. I didn't know so many people had conflicting (or supervising) parents.

what's your mom's type?

[xyz]

what's your mom's type?

I... don't know

For some reason she's really hard for me to type.

[Rubicon]

I... don't know

For some reason she's really hard for me to type.

I thought you said she was a caregiving (annoying) SEI

[xyz]

I thought you said she was a caregiving (annoying) SEI

That's the best type I could pin down for her. It doesn't fit 100% but hey what does right?

Either way it was a very Si household, and when I'm at my parents home I feel like i'm on my very own planet where I have no cares, concerns, problems or anything. I love home.

[Sirena]

That's the best type I could pin down for her. It doesn't fit 100% but hey what does right?

Either way it was a very Si household, and when I'm at my parents home I feel like i'm on my very own planet where I have no cares, concerns, problems or anything. I love home.

Sounds nice.

[Park]

Either way it was a very Si household, and when I'm at my parents home I feel like i'm on my very own planet where I have no cares, concerns, problems or anything. I love home.

[xyz]

You don't love your home?

Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.

[Sirena]

Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.

HAHAHA it's the little things.....

[Park]

You don't love your home?

I don't want to talk about it.

Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.

[Rubicon]

Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.

ahh - sounds nice *sigh*

[Mea]

You don't love your home?

[Kristiina]

I'd say I like home, but I go there as rarely as I possibly can. About 3 times per year. It's 200km away.

[betterthan]

What is the effect of a child and parent having a conflict relation?

Would this effect the childs development? It seems as though it would be damaging....

Thoughts?

[Markuz]

There's already a thread on this. I'll post the link when I find it.

Edit: Found it.

[Joy]

It would seem that my mother is SLE and my sister is EII. My sister is unable to stand up to my mom without upsetting her, and before she was an adult she wasn't able to stand up to our mom at all.

Example A: One time my mom found out that my sister did something that she didn't approve of with a boy, so she grounded my sister for a year. I wasn't at home and had problems of my own to deal with at the time, so I had no idea what was going on (or she most certainly would not have been grounded for a year!). My sister would break the rules in secret (sex, drugs, etc.) and hurt herself (cutting, taking 30 advil at once, etc.), but she didn't argue with or try to blatantly resist the year long sentence.

Example B: My sister moved back in with my parents after a divorce so she could save up to buy a house. She works full time and goes to school full time (both 30 to 45 minutes from my parent's house), so she has to make wise use of whatever time she has at home to do her homework. She'll be sitting at the table trying to concentrate and my mom won't stop talking to her, even when she tries to nicely explain that she needs to concentrate. She doesn't know how to get my mom to stop talking with out making her feel bad. (If it were me I'd just bitch and possibly even yell... and then laugh about it and tell her we can talk later when I take a break. Every time she said anything after that I'd bitch some more. She wouldn't like it, but she wouldn't feel rejected and lonely.)

My sister has always been an overachiever, I think because my mom said that she didn't care about our grades, she only wanted us to do our best (and didn't say "within reason"). She'd push herself too hard and care too much about not letting anyone (including teachers) down. My sister was always "the good kid" when we were growing up, too, because she did what she had to do to avoid getting in trouble with my mom. She always tried to do everything right, to be above reproach... even when the expectations weren't reasonable. She saw her own state of well being as something that could be sacrificed, her own wants/needs as irrelevant.

Right now she's in her early 20's. She's in much better shape than she ever has been, as far as I can tell. She doesn't hurt herself any more (that I know of) and hasn't tried killing herself in a couple years. She definitely seems happier than she ever has, though she seems to be stressed out about stuff most of the time. She's still bad at dealing with people though because she internalizes frustrations and doesn't know how to properly stand up for herself. She also still expects too much of herself.

She'll get there... she just needs keep going in the direction she's headed in right now.

[Joy]

To respond to the topic more specifically, I do think that having a conflicting parent could be damaging, but a dual parent could be damaging as well.

A healthy parent of any intertype relation is more likely to have healthy kids than an unhealthy parent is. Someone whose ego functions were suppressed may have to "find themselves" as a young adult more so than someone whose ego functions were rewarded, but I don't think it has to be the end of the world. Even the child of an unhealthy conflictor parent could grow up to be a very happy and healthy person, if (s)he has resolved to do so. Such a person would develop much more resilience than the average person has.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

To respond to the topic more specifically, I do think that having a conflicting parent could be damaging, but a dual parent could be damaging as well.

A dual parent damaging, how? Anybody could be damaging for issues unrelated to socionics. I'm guessing dual relationships in parents/siblings would act similiar to dual romantic relationships. A sense of respect and ignoring each other so you can find yourself, but then deep love and intensity when you really need it the most. Not manipulating your "weaknesses" against you like most people would do, and not trying to change who you are. Not overidealizing either like your contrary would do, but true acceptance. "Real, practical love" as good as it's gonna get. "Wow, you gave me just what I needed, I didn't know what I needed, but I see the light now and you gave me it- and now I can actually progress."

The only difference is you don't want to fuck or cuddle or coo your mom or dad. At least I hope not.