I've beat this topic to death at this point, I realize that. I admit that I sought sympathy before, but at this point, I just want a practical solution to this. I feel that I haven't been candid enough about just how drastically m perception of self has changed over the past couple of years since getting into typology.
When I first got into typology I was 17/18 and initially identified as IEE. At that point I was overcompensating pretty hard...and I've tried to suppress any memory of it, but there's plenty of evidence of it online throughout various forums. I was into bodybuilding, I read pick-up articles and posted on the bodybuilding forum, I would show off how 'pragmatic' and socially-darwinian I was during political discussions in class even though I didn't know shit, I bragged (online) about my looks, how I 'deserved' more female attention, how shallow I was, how well I supposedly dressed. Every other day I'd come up with some sleazy idea about becoming a finance executive, a model, a director, a filmmaker, or a lawyer in order to fulfill some fantasy I had, and I guess to make up for my 'failures' in highschool. I left my girlfriend about a week after losing my virginity to her and thought it was cool and someone told me I should. I may as well have been a closeted male stereotype. I was never smart enough to figure out how stupid I was. It's all pretty sad to look back on, and underneath it all, I was miserable. Empty. Vapid. When I wasn't at home browsing the internet, I would show up to one or two facebook parties and stand in the corner the whole night, desperately hoping someone would take notice of me. My memory of it is so much worse than what I've written - it's so difficult for me to express accurately - but this is all I'm capable of really giving you. I was a piece of shit. This whole complex sort of started when I was 15, and was spending my vacation with an SLI cousin who encouraged me to start flirting with girls and become more social...and I just went off the deep end at some point. I was never the person I saw myself being in my head - I was shy, undisruptive, reserved, needy, avoidant, willing to please (I used to get people's lunches), easily distraught by rejection, yearned for what I perceived to be genuine relationships and felt empty in group atmospheres. I took anxiety meds and burst into tears in my doctor's office when I first went to get a prescription. I was too anxious to really speak to anyone most of the time, and when I wasn't, I'd try too hard.
About a year ago I posted a video of myself on another typology forum where I was misinterpreted a bit and people concluded that I was an ISFP because I seemed quiet, sensitive, Fi-valuing, and not as manic on camera as they were expecting an ENFP to be. From then on, I started to milk my reservedness, became calmer, more self-correcting, stopped spending time around people who didn't value me, learned to enjoy my own company, developed principles, sorted out my priorities to a certain extent, did things I genuinely enjoyed. In a way it felt right. As if this were an aspect of myself that I was neglecting the whole time, and it was, to a certain extent. I eventually into Socionics and took up SEI, and eventually ESI, introjected a bunch of those traits..I started to feel purposeful, composed, consistent, practical, present-focused, self-possessed (at times), serious, mature, organized, responsible, refined my priorities even further. It felt kind of..nice. Little bits of who I was when I was 17 would seep through every now and then though - hesitancy, silly Ne humor/comparisons/generalizations that I'd try to simmer down because I found them stupid, laziness - until I reached the point where I am now. It didn't necessarily feel like denial at the time either, it felt like it made sense at the time...but I can't really deny it anymore - I'm IEE. Ne-base at the very least. In a way, realizing that I'm an extrovert feels like a burden - there's suddenly a whole world out there, and I feel malleable. At certain points within the past year I kind of knew it what it was like to be a genuine introvert, to be able to enjoy your own company, steady, selective, priorities in mind, easily contented, having self-respect, able to filter things out and having a narrow scope of focus. I became so adjusted to it over the course of the past year and I'm at a loss now. Too much has changed. How much of it will stick? How long until that's gone completely? I liked being that way.
I don't really know how to expand on this any further. I feel blank. I don't know where to go from here. I have no internal reference to really go off of, and I guess in retrospect, I never have. When it wasn't Typology, it was sleazy things like pick-up. That's my life story. I'm noone. It's refreshing in a way since I'm finally looking at my life objectively, and how this current phase in my life connects to everything else, but it's incredibly disorienting... Am I just supposed to regress back into who I was at 17, when I was arguably acting more 'genuine' personality-wise, or should I continue on with the lessons that I've learned in the past year..as a result of mistyping as a Fi-base? Who am I throughout all this? How do I live with the fact that I probably would've continued with those beliefs, if I hadn't gotten into Myers-Briggs/Socionics in the first place? Would I have ever questioned it? It's awful to think about. I realize how pathetic and petty my whole situation is, and it only proves how empty and vapid I am as a person in general, regardless of whatever 'growth' I've had as a result of a mistype, but I'm just done...I have no airs about this anymore. I'm a shitty person. I'm dumb. Dull. Sleazy. A baby. A troll. I wonder if I'm even Fi-valuing because of show shameless and tactless I've been.