limerence

[jaein]

i feel like i should be able to write a wall of text about this, but there's no organization to my thoughts. I've lived most of my life with limerence it feels like, although i didn't read about and have a name for most of that. In fact, I feel like limerence is all i've known when it comes to "love" (only true in the relationship sense, and even then I can think of things that weren't this, but they weren't much more either) The longest I've been limerent towards someone was 15ish(?) years, I would say that i got over it, but they are talking about moving back here again and my mind still goes right to wandering over all the old ground i've paced down into packed dirt, while my stomach turns into a black pit and some part of me, idk which, scrambles to get out "nope!" to any part of me that is still listening.

i've somewhat gotten it under control over the past years by forcing myself to be open about my feelings towards people when i realize that they have become my focus, but then again those were all online things and I'm not even sure that I really communicated just how much they had become part of my thoughts. Also, i find that i don't have any idea what to do with things after that point, it can feel like a let-down even if it gets a good response. Also, I suspect it would still be a massive internal battle (that i'm pretty sure i have no chance of winning) to do it IRL.



(I wish the search for threads worked right, we've done this topic a few times on the forum and I bet I had clearer things to say about it then. I feel like a wrung out towel at this point trying to get my thoughts and words out on this topic. Like i've said nothing in this post. ugh. )

So the three things ive read that cure limerence are confession of ones feelings, no contact orrrr I forget the other one. Anyway being open about my feelings was never an option so I avoided him that last year of high school and I stopped looking him up on instagram lol. Even then its taken me two years to get to a place of 'alright I think im moving on now.'

Oh I looked for a thread on this as well and didnt see one.. Oops. But no, I completely understand what youre saying.

But yeah that sucks, you think your over it then bam! The mention of their name sends you back into your dopamine filled fantasies.

[Creepy-bg]

So the three things ive read that cure limerence are confession of ones feelings, no contact orrrr I forget the other one. Anyway being open about my feelings was never an option so I avoided him that last year of high school and I stopped looking him up on instagram lol. Even then its taken me two years to get to a place of 'alright I think im moving on now.'

no contact is the only thing that works for me, which makes it so much worse when it's a friend who you've spent half your life with (and who tends to come back after years long breaks). I had tried confession of feelings towards the girl who i got into it bad with, but it was so mumbled and awkward that i could easily write it off inside my head as being the method that was turning, not the perfect situation that it's supposed to be when it all just works out. no amount of directness ever felt enough to convey things, in either direction. and at the same time it can feel like nothing, and so silly and stupid and god why even bother. klafjjklsdf

anyways, yes. for me, cut off from that person has worked best. i feel freed, as if i can finally breath, as if something huge has been lifted off my life. and of course i feel bad about that in some way, but the freedom makes it easy to accept.

But yeah that sucks, you think your over it then bam! The mention of their name sends you back into your dopamine filled fantasies.

sigh. yes.


it also makes it difficult to approach people you'd be interested in in general somewhat. with my first notice that i have interest in someone, remembering the road i always seem to go down has me anxious and paranoid of my interest, of how much i'm fantasizing instead of experiencing them, how much am i rerunning imagined discussions, and is it making me feel more than they would? How much of my life and thought am i spending in my head over this person? ajhdskfhskjdfjkhf

a friend of mine who's a psychologist put it really simply when i brought up the limerence thing to him, something along the lines of "limerence is just another word for your wanting to love and be loved." It doesn't seem like much maybe, but it's something that I do feel hearing has helped me a bit to not feel like such a freak or loser because of how my interest develops. I just try to be open about it now, so that I'm not trapped in some hole of not being able to talk or acknowledge it. I do still have a rough time accepting even seemingly direct responses from the people I'm interested in at face value (usually it's with good responses hah, funny enough), but I think I'm getting better at it. and if nothing else, getting better at accepting all this stuff as normal and fine, or at least nothing freakish that can't be worked through.

[Aylen]

no contact is the only thing that works for me, which makes it so much worse when it's a friend who you've spent half your life with (and who tends to come back after years long breaks). I had tried confession of feelings towards the girl who i got into it bad with, but it was so mumbled and awkward that i could easily write it off inside my head as being the method that was turning, not the perfect situation that it's supposed to be when it all just works out. no amount of directness ever felt enough to convey things, in either direction. and at the same time it can feel like nothing, and so silly and stupid and god why even bother. klafjjklsdf

anyways, yes. for me, cut off from that person has worked best. i feel freed, as if i can finally breath, as if something huge has been lifted off my life. and of course i feel bad about that in some way, but the freedom makes it easy to accept.

sigh. yes.

it also makes it difficult to approach people you'd be interested in in general somewhat. with my first notice that i have interest in someone, remembering the road i always seem to go down has me anxious and paranoid of my interest, of how much i'm fantasizing instead of experiencing them, how much am i rerunning imagined discussions, and is it making me feel more than they would? How much of my life and thought am i spending in my head over this person? ajhdskfhskjdfjkhf

a friend of mine who's a psychologist put it really simply when i brought up the limerence thing to him, something along the lines of "limerence is just another word for your wanting to love and be loved." It doesn't seem like much maybe, but it's something that I do feel hearing has helped me a bit to not feel like such a freak or loser because of how my interest develops. I just try to be open about it now, so that I'm not trapped in some hole of not being able to talk or acknowledge it. I do still have a rough time accepting even seemingly direct responses from the people I'm interested in at face value (usually it's with good responses hah, funny enough), but I think I'm getting better at it. and if nothing else, getting better at accepting all this stuff as normal and fine, or at least nothing freakish that can't be worked through.

It seems the only solution is to completely cut the person out of your life. Confessing is like throwing a burden on the other person they didn't ask for and probably results in a rift anyway. It's like getting off a drug. Change people, places and things. I used to hate when people said that but in situations like this maybe it is the best option. It is something to think about. I mean staying around the person is probably not good for anyone and prevents any real letting go. I find once enough time has passed, sometimes in equal proportion to how long you cared for them, you can see them again and be fine. When all else fails I used to focus on someone else. Sort of fake it till you make it but then that person is a rebound and that left me feeling guilty. What is that saying... the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It's not that easy though...

[Creepy-bg]

It seems the only solution is to completely cut the person out of your life. Confessing is like throwing a burden on the other person they didn't ask for and probably results in a rift anyway. It's like getting off a drug. Change people, places and things. I used to hate when people said that but in situations like this maybe it is the best option. It is something to think about. I mean staying around the person is probably not good for anyone and prevents any real letting go. I find once enough time has passed, sometimes in equal proportion to how long you cared for them, you can see them again and be fine. When all else fails I used to focus on someone else. Sort of fake it till you make it but then that person is a rebound and that left me feeling guilty. What is that saying... the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It's not that easy though...

[moment of self-pity]so i've got to live like king midus? anyone i feel like getting close i have to run away from so i don't smother them into misery inside a shell of gold. sighhhhh....[/moment of self-pity] i know, i know... healthy love exists. right? don't give up.

[Aylen]

[moment of self-pity]so i've got to live like king midus? anyone i feel like getting close i have to run away from so i don't smother them into misery inside a shell of gold. sighhhhh....[/moment of self-pity] i know, i know... healthy love exists. right? don't give up.

Healthy love does exist and I have experienced it. I think obsessive love happens when there are other unresolved issues within. I was talking to someone this morning and I had mentioned how I would idealize someone in such a way that if the relationship was smooth, and easy, and they were immediately obtainable I might feel like something is wrong with them for reciprocating, at least not until some fucked up metaphorical war was waged (inside my head). Love is a battlefield and they probably will earn some metaphorical scars before I will express it. Limerence is basically unrequited love and I do that well. Unrequited is safe. As long as they do not love you back they remain perfect because they do not love something so flawed. They only love what is perfect. It's a trap. We are all imperfectly perfect. I could spend a lifetime trying to become what I believe is someone's perfect and in the meantime miss out on something that is right in front of my face. I don't always see it when it is right in front of me though. Maybe it is more like I will ignore what is in front of me.

I think the first time it happened to me I was like 9 or 10 and I "loved" this boy for a couple of years but never told him. Then another boy when I was 12 and that lasted a couple of years. I remember being late for class just so I could watch them out of the corner of my eye until they would disappear into a classroom or down a hall. Both were like the bad boy, long hair, musician types even at that age, I would be aching inside the whole day. It was hard to think and I remember crying in the shower, at home, so no one would know.I didn't even tell my closest friends. It was something I kept just for myself. Even at that age I was suffering with it in this silent, woe is me, kind of way. What I didn't know until later is that they both secretly crushed on me too.

I did end up seeing both these guys (not at the same time) when I was older and let me tell you the illusion of their perfection shattered and I quickly realized the fantasy of them was much better than the reality. A prince can easily turn into a frog just from one kiss, if it isn't real. The best relationships are mutual and life affirming for both people. They do not leave you feeling like the least attractive person on earth and they do not make you want to seriously wake up dead somewhere in another universe.

It doesn't stop me from craving that unrequited love scenario though. Maybe I am just warped from my childhood to idealize a love that isn't returned. My mom was not affectionate and did not like being shown love or cuddled. My bio dad took off when I was still very young. The two people who were supposed to show me how to love sucked at it. I have gone from relationship to relationship looking for the ideal but I don't even know what that is. I mean why do I lose interest as soon as someone starts to treat me as good, or even better, than I deserve. I have had healthy relationships and therapy but even that does not stop me from longing for what I don't have. I think I might get this all right some day. I guess that is why I am not convinced that I could ever do a lifetime with one person but I am still open to it. It probably would feel like doing time. Fuck, maybe I need more therapy. :/

Watch the last video on enneagram 4 I posted in that thread. It might explain a bit of what you go through. Believe it or not a lot of people cannot relate to what those of us in this thread have experienced, That still kind of blows me away. Makes me wonder if they are dead inside. lol just kidding! I know it is not normal to take it as far as I have. Maybe I am a masochist for emotional pain but to be completely honest I would not trade any of those experiences. As much as I have said I wish I was robotic and didn't feel anything I know that is a lie. A world without intense emotions would be like a world without art and music to me. Not a world I would want to live in. At least not as my current incarnation.



Edit: I think I just realized I have WAY too much relationship experience. Maybe some day I will use is as a "force" for good and it will not have all been suffering in vain.

[Creepy-bg]

Healthy love does exist and I have experienced it. I think obsessive love happens when there are other unresolved issues within. I was talking to someone this morning and I had mentioned how I would idealize someone in such a way that if the relationship was smooth, and easy, and they were immediately obtainable I might feel like something is wrong with them for reciprocating, at least not until some fucked up metaphorical war was waged (inside my head). Love is a battlefield and they probably will earn some metaphorical scars before I will express it. Limerence is basically unrequited love and I do that well. Unrequited is safe. As long as they do not love you back they remain perfect because they do not love something so flawed. They only love what is perfect. It's a trap. We are all imperfectly perfect. I could spend a lifetime trying to become what I believe is someone's perfect and in the meantime miss out on something that is right in front of my face. I don't always see it when it is right in front of me though. Maybe it is more like I will ignore what is in front of me.

i've been completely oblivious to totally cool girls, who WERE into me, because of my complete focus on someone i knew it was impossible to ever be happy with (but no! just if this... and this... and.... ). some are really smack my head over looking back at. if i had just looked around me at other options, i could have had something real so many times.

Edit: Maybe some day I will use is as a "force" for good and it will not have all been suffering in vain.

force me! force me!

[Aylen]

\
force me! force me!

My sister's advice to guys who wanted to get close to my force was, "run, run now, before it's too late!" I hated when she did that but I laughed along with them.

This thread is cathartic. I feel better already.

[jaein]

no contact is the only thing that works for me, which makes it so much worse when it's a friend who you've spent half your life with (and who tends to come back after years long breaks). I had tried confession of feelings towards the girl who i got into it bad with, but it was so mumbled and awkward that i could easily write it off inside my head as being the method that was turning, not the perfect situation that it's supposed to be when it all just works out. no amount of directness ever felt enough to convey things, in either direction. and at the same time it can feel like nothing, and so silly and stupid and god why even bother. klafjjklsdf

anyways, yes. for me, cut off from that person has worked best. i feel freed, as if i can finally breath, as if something huge has been lifted off my life. and of course i feel bad about that in some way, but the freedom makes it easy to accept.



sigh. yes.


it also makes it difficult to approach people you'd be interested in in general somewhat. with my first notice that i have interest in someone, remembering the road i always seem to go down has me anxious and paranoid of my interest, of how much i'm fantasizing instead of experiencing them, how much am i rerunning imagined discussions, and is it making me feel more than they would? How much of my life and thought am i spending in my head over this person? ajhdskfhskjdfjkhf

a friend of mine who's a psychologist put it really simply when i brought up the limerence thing to him, something along the lines of "limerence is just another word for your wanting to love and be loved." It doesn't seem like much maybe, but it's something that I do feel hearing has helped me a bit to not feel like such a freak or loser because of how my interest develops. I just try to be open about it now, so that I'm not trapped in some hole of not being able to talk or acknowledge it. I do still have a rough time accepting even seemingly direct responses from the people I'm interested in at face value (usually it's with good responses hah, funny enough), but I think I'm getting better at it. and if nothing else, getting better at accepting all this stuff as normal and fine, or at least nothing freakish that can't be worked through.

Yes, theres no way they could fully understand unless they themselves experienced it

I too have that paranoid feeling of "is this just another infatuation episode?" ugh.

Dont feel guilty about distancing yourself. Its for the sake of your sanity.

"Wanting to love and be loved" is a great way to put it.

I feel like I should say more but all I can really say is I agree with everything you wrote. And I can relate to pretty much all youve written. Thank you for sharing