Hi everyone, this is my first post here. After many a long meaningless night searching the internet for something that describes who I am, it appears that I've finally ended up on these boards. From some of the posts I've read (however jargon filled they may be) there seems to be 'a lotta' love' on this forum.

I'm generally a very outgoing person, how I speak to other people is in quite a confident, almost arrogant manner. I'd joke around and give people random nicknames (much like Sawyer from lost, if there are any other junkies out there). I never really tell anybody how I'm really feeling at the time. That's not to say I'm never happy, I just don't like burdening people with my problems.

I'm not sure if the following is relevant information though I thought that its inclusion may prove helpful (maybe I'm going through a 'phase' or something)

Age: 16
Subjects studying at GCSE level: Maths, Ad Maths, English, English Literature, Full level of the three sciences (triple award to the GCSE literate), History, French (compulsory), Religious Education (compulsary).
Grades last year: 4 A*s. 4 As and 2 Bs.
Religious standpoint: Atheist
Hobbies: Music and basically just going to bars and things.
Taste in Music: I love musical with classical influences. Mozart just rocks. I also have a love for power metal bands (the way they kind of implement neo-classical styles into really heavy metal appeals to me)

Anyway, the reason I'm here in the first place is because of the continuation of a social cycle that I go through. When I first meet people I refrain from talking to them until I know them. When I know them properly I get on great with them and for a period of about 6 months everybody adores me and I adore them. Then I get to know people a little bit better and bad things start to happen. It just seems that when I start to get on great with large groups of people I just can't help alienating them. One thing leads to another and some things are said that shouldn't of been said then I can't forgive myself for doing it. I can't even bear to speak to the person that I wronged so I just avoid everything and pretend that I don't exist in the hopes that everyone will forget about me. It never stops and I'm in my avoidance stage at the minute just wasting away infront of the computer screen. I'd stick up for any of them; like if somebody started a fight with them i'd be in there straight away trying to help them (at least I feel like I would). Hell, I don't even know if I'm doing it to protect them or to make me feel better about myself.

Somehow I feel morally obligated to help and stand up for people and I absolutely hate it. It gets me into trouble with 'popular' people all the time which matters a lot to me. I am disgustingly vain and find myself looking into mirrors all the time. Anyway, on with the story. So a small popular kid in my class starts making fun of what would be considered by him (and also secretly by me) one of the nerdy kids of the class. I walk up to him and tell him to stop it to divert attention away from the guy he was picking on. Luckily, I'm 6ft 2 so there really wasn't much chance of me getting started on by the little gobsh***. Anyway, crisis averted and now I become even less popular. I just can't bear to see people that can't defend themselves be made fun of so I do my best to look out for them. I think the reason I do this is because they kind of remind me of myself a few years back.

God I feel horribly narcissistic writing this.

Anyway, by my calculations and my being in p6 or p7 I must have been 10 years old at the changing rooms at the local swimming pool. My childhood nemesis, a boy that my mother gave bad grades to (she's a teacher) stops me halfway between the showers and the changing rooms and tells me that I'm in the wrong changing rooms (a reference to my sex). I try to walk past him, he pushes me back. I try again, he pushes me back and I tell him to 'go to hell'. This is exactly what he was looking for and then he hits me in the eye. I yell 'come on' at him then he hits me again.

I just f***ing stand there and take it like an idiot.

He hits me about 7 or 8 times and I'm still standing there like a moron, not even bloody trying to fight back. He then walks off laughing and I finally bring up the courage to thump him in the back. He keeps on laughing. To add insult to injury the fight took place in front of his mate (who was there to back him up) and the both of them said that I had tried to strangle him. Meanwhile I'm sitting on a chair outside the changing rooms crying with blood spattered all over my face where all my freinds can see me and his father makes him come and apologise to me, putting the icing on the cake. After this I never returned to the swimming club again, avoiding it completely. Nowadays I often envisage myself getting revenge on him and anyone else that hurt me while I was a kid.

I don't want to write about that anymore.

As part of Northern Irish culture alcohol is essential to socialisation ages 15 plus. Horrid, I know but you're nobody if you don't drink. Or I'm nobody if I don't drink. I seem to make great impressions on people the first time I meet them, usually blocked and buying everybody at the bar drinks. People only seem to get on with me better when I drink so I do it as often as I can. Sometimes I don't even care if it's destroying my body or not, at least I'm happy for a couple hours each weekend and this seems to be the only real happiness I can derive from life.

Really all I want is a damn girlfreind. I'll come out and say I'm not that bad looking, I certainly wouldn't be classed as hot though. I used to have long hair down to my shoulders, going for the whole 'tramp' effect. Started waxing it up now and it looks alot better.

My relationships never last long and after the smallest little thing I break up with the doll usually leaving on very bad terms. This has happened for the past 5 girlfreinds.

I often dream that 20 years from now, I'll have the girl of my dreams, she'll be 5ft 6 with blonde short hair (i'm into girls with short hair and no fashion sense whatsoever, though they have to be 'hot'). I'll stumble in completely drunk and she'll catch me in her arms and I'll tell her how much I love her. Then she'll haul my drunk ass to the bedroom and just tuck me into bed and we'll fall asleep together with both our clothes on in eachother's arms. No sex at all.

I don't know if anybody can make any sense of my stupidity, but if you make an attempt I'll be very thankful. Kudos to anyone that has actually bothered to read this far and I'll get some high pitched violin players for next time.

Thanks.