This scenario has played out in several permutations:
ESFj shows visual indignance.
ESFj asks in a deceivingly "nice tone" to follow their "suggestion" (command).
ESFj becomes self-righteously indignant.
ESFj becomes moody so that everyone around them understands their "pain".
ESFj performs the silent treatment.
ESFj performs almost zero self reflection as to how their original frustration may have originated within themselves.
Example:
Sitting in new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Movie is awful and dull. I turn on my phone, turn to nightshift yellow screen mode and dim the lights. ESFj proceeds to "pout", sigh, shift body position, glance down, "tsk". I continue using my phone discreetly: few other people in the theatre besides us in the back corner. ESFj leans over and says "would you stop using that thing right now". I turn to ESFj and say, "nope, I'm 30 and you cant tell me what to do, why dont you sit somewhere else if tis such a big deal." At which point, he makes a big scene and actually goes to sit in another part of the movie theatre...a grown ass 58 year man ditches his friend and roommate because I was using my cell, held against my stomach, in a decidedly boring movie for children.
Later on, as we exit the theatre, ESFj acts as though this is literally the biggest deal on the entire planet. He states: "it was incredibly disrespectful" I say "to whom?" He says "to me and the other people in the theatre", I say "nobody could see us, what did it matter, I enjoyed the movie anyway?" He says, "because of you telling me what to do." At at this point I need to mention I'm calm as a cucumber because I could not care-a-less about what other people think...and can understand that his self-rightous indignant has more to do with the fact he is a stuffy theatre promotor who tells people what to do everyday in regards to the ethics of emotions. At this point, I am seeing that my ethics are far more manoeuvrable and situation based as compared to his, which seems very static, and rigid, almost overly simplified, such as, "you do not use your phone in a theatre because it is rude", and under "any circumstances". It's something related to harmony of the outer situation.
So on the way home, he is literally climbing out the window wanting to get away from me or something, and again, since I "hate" silent treatments and adult "pouting", I ask him in a very quiet voice, "what is it that is really bothering you here?" He tells me "if you can't stop asking me, you need to find another place to live". And I say, "ahhhh, there it is." Knowing that things of this nature are usually larger and grander then they appear. I tell him,"maybe you need a kid instead to tell what to do and thats why this bothers you so much because I dont listen to you?". He says "this will be the last movie we ever go to..." um, okay I think, as I roll my eyes. Poor guy, honestly I don't understand his issue here. How disrespected does he feel by this I don't understand.
Which brings me to the second point here... I knew this was going to happen. I knew in the first week I lived here that if I didn't play by "his" Fe rules, then it would be game over for me.
Discussion:
I know many of you are going to say, well, that's just you and him and none of this is type related, but I assure you, it is very type related. One thing to understand about ESFjs is that although they are "Fe", they are still ESxjs. The need to be the parental "upper hand", can escalate to claustrophobic proportions. For example, @sorrows anecdote of minding the turkey dinner atmosphere in another thread.
This scenario has played itself out a number of times between me and ESFj, were we have a "reset" point, that seems quite uncomfortable more-so for him, but also for me via collateral damage. So really my question is, how can I understand this type of behaviour from him, and how can I help our relationship grow from here? Some factors: he is basically an only child, he is independently wealthy, and he is in a position of workplace power.
I really feel as though he's not understanding me on some socionics level, for example: not being told what to do in public when clearly I am within rights to do so. We have an excellent relationship together and an excellent roomate situation. These events are so isolated yet are so remarkable that I had to make this thread. Am I hitting some polr things? Am I hitting something else? Teacher-student? I wish I knew how to proceed.