Originally Posted by
Bluebird
Socionics aside,
It sounds like you liked your wife more for her looks, but you liked the other girl more for her personality... What happens when your wife gets old? Is her sweetness still going to attract you then when her beauty is fading? It sounds like it has not been as strong from the start because of the reasons for the marriage. It almost sounded like a business exchange instead of a relationship. Although, I think things can look loose from the outside to observers, but a bond can be stronger than anyone realizes because of how loyal someone feels to another. There are things that can't always be seen between people that only they can know.
I think what happens a lot of times is that people get together and fall in love, or are attracted to each other. The reasons for the bond that is made is a very important part of how long a relationship will last. I think to love someone for things that can change, like looks or position, are probably going to make for a less successful relationship than to love someone for things that are more stable over time, like their personality. It's like choosing to play tennis instead of being a ballet dancer....
But I do think looks can be important to some, and probably at least a little bit to most people, but I think being in a relationship where one values a persons bond with another by things, such as internal characteristics, that they admire above all, are going to form a much more concrete relationship that is harder to break from outside elements.
Kids, I think, can put a lot of pressure on relationships, more than a lot of people realize. But they can also hold a relationship together, which is why I think some people even have kids in the first place, such as a means of solidifying a relationship, to create a relationship, to restore a relationship...etc. Of course not always, but it does add another weightier ball to the old ball in chain. But with the time consumption and additional attention that is given to the children that was once reserved by ones significant other, there seems to be less time given to the importance of a relationship, a lot of times. The relationship could then become more neglected. Add a very demanding job to the equation, and it could result in problems... I think sometimes what makes a relationship more solidified can therefore make it more susceptible to cracking.
It's like a relationship is built brick by brick. A lot of time could be spent building it. But how stable was the ground in which it was built? A bricklayer and the hod carrier built it together, through cool days, and sometimes days where the working conditions were hot, in the times that were harder, but they still kept going, the harder the times, the more they feel for each other in the heat, the more they have to share, the more they know each other...but how was the quality of work put into it by both parties, and will it last through tough times when outside elements try to tear it down?...It just depends on the quality and how well it was built...How strong or elastic it is. Your relationship sounds like it's currently at a tipping point dependent on it's worth and strength.
If you want to keep your relationship and try to make it work, I'd suggest getting a new e-mail address or block the other from your existing one, block the other woman's number from your phone, possibly block her from your life in all ways possible. If it was me, I'd stay close so your wife knows you aren't running off or going behind her back, doing things you shouldn't be doing, to just show you have nothing to hide and aren't sneaking around. To put your hands out in front of you, so to say. It's going to take time, probably a lot of it, and trust is going to have to be built again. You need to give her space still, but still be there for her and support her when she wants you to be. It sounds like she needs to think things through without you smothering her in the process. Think of yourself as being on probation and any mistake will send you to jail. You're basically walking on eggshells while her internal council deliberates and decides to give you your sentence.
But, as I'm sure you know, you've put a hole in the wall of your relationship, and the remnants are going to always be there, haunting you forever. It's not something you can just erase.
Sometimes when people aren't confident in something, or they want to make a point, they start doing something more frequently than what they usually do, possibly for external validation or because they are insecure. It can seems insincere, like they are trying too hard, or it makes them seem even more transparent in their intentions and insecurities... so maybe that's why your wife felt it was too much, and that it was making things worse...like you were laying it on too thick to compensate for your mistakes..
What you've done is you haven't left your wife and gone with this other woman, so it is a sign that you still love your wife and that she is more important to you than the other woman. Not only that, but you have kids, which is probably making her, and possibly you, want to work it out even more.
You are going to have to win yourself into her good graces, but some questions I think it would be good to ask yourself:
1. Do you still work with the woman you had an affair with? If so, do you believe it would be beneficial for your relationship to move or get a different job?
2. Do you see yourself being capable of being faithful to your wife in the future? Are you prepared to stay with her and only her?
3. Would you really have been happy with the other woman in a few years after the newness had warn off? Where would you have been then? How would this have effected your relationship with your children?
4. What happened to bring you to cheat? Was it not enough time with your spouse, brought on by work and kids? Something else? How can it be fixed so it won't happen again?
5. What kind of women cheats with a man, knowing he is married with two kids? What does that say about such a women? Is that the kind of women that you would really want to have a relationship with?