Working out a SLI/IEE/SEE threesome

[Eliza Thomason]

NOTE: This is a really, really old post. See the date? 8-31-2012! That's 4 and a half years later, as of this edit. There is nothing to comment on, as to this old OP. Its old news. I just wanted to comment at the end here who very different everything is now. Its the only reason I am dragging this old post back out. It can dribble back to the archives now...
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No I don't mean the sexual kind of threesome! I am totally typical and also traditional in my sexual views. (I realize that that "typical" window these days is smaller and smaller, however, it happens to be where I stand personally).

Yet threesome is the word that best describes it.

Well I posted, earlier today, my dilema on PerC, where I have for some months shared my SLI Duality emerging love story. However I might be getting to be a stranger there now as I ahve been posting such things here now instead. Particularly because many there openly protest any reference I make to Socionics or Duality and its hard to talk about this without doing that.

So maybe it would be better to share it here is my dilemma copied and pasted from there to here:

Dearest ISTP, I love you, I love you more each time I see you and the sadness cuts deeper and deeper when it comes time to part. I miss all of our companionship, even doing dishes together the last morning, knowing that delightful togetherness we share doing that and everything we do is over, for at least two months now.

But along with the heavier sadness leaving this time, also that familiar relief, only even more freeing than ever this time. Yes, you know, your dysfunctional ESFP daughter -- it is such a relief to be away from her! And I realize a new truth, and I am afraid to tell you, but I must. I will pray and wait this one night and tell you tomorrow.

My truth: I cannot live with your daughter. These weeks as a threesome, these recent two and the previous three one-weeks we had since February: its like a couple who tries out living together to see if they can tie the knot. Only for us is a threesome! If anyone wants to hire an ever-vigilant chaperon, she could make a bundle, she has the right stuff for the job . Alone-time has been hard to carve out, hasn't it.

I feel like 2nd-wife in a polygomous marriage around her and I am not talking about your ex. She competes with me, she is catty and manipulative, and I cannot keep up with that stuff, I am just not cut out for it. I cannot live with it. I want to marry you and live with you, but I cannot be 2nd wife to her in a home with you. Not possible.

Of the three of us, she is by far the most aggressive and dominating. When she is there, wherever she is, she is the eye of the storm and all of life revolves around her. From the moment she bursts in the door. Which could be anytime! You know. You will understand but I am so afraid of the pain this will cause you.

I know you love me and I am afraid it will feel like I am putting an ultimatum on you: "Its me or her." Who wants to do that to the one they love? I don't. I dread this. I love you and must speak my truth to you. I cannot live with your nearly 30 year old daughter who is more cloyingly dependent than my 16 year old. I cannot. This changes a lot, I know, all the plans we have so extensively and constantly made.

I feel both great relief and trepidation. I will wait til tomorrow though. Prayer first.

~ENFP who loves you

So this is the bomb I will detonate tomorrow. I feel a growing hope its going to be okay. There have been so many obstacles, this is just one more. Right?

SEE daughter just celebrated her 5-year Narc-free anniversary all week while I was there. It was a horrible 5 years for SLI who supported her through this and HE should get a party, but like everything else she does, it was all about her, so, no thanks for him (never is). He told me in the first minutes of talking when I met him (after several years writing as strictly friends, just a bit of flirting undercurrent here and there), just after she left the house, what was foremost on his mind: he was a ruin and it was his daughters fault. His nightmare picture of her in his mind, standing before him with her empty hand out to him. Squeezing out his last dollar.

Do you think this is a SEE problem? Or a dysfunctioanl recovering addict problem? It seems SEE and I should gt along fine. Look-alike relations are pretty good. And I honestly like her as a person. I tell SLI that he has truly chosen the "better part" in his dysfunctional codependent style of parenting her: he has been a kind and loving father. That he has been her codependent support so that she takes no responsibility in her life whatsoever has damaged her, however, she has a certain security because she has been truly loved and you can't buy that for anything.

SLI of course is in Illusionary relations with her: "These are relations of growing laziness. There are no other intertype relations that can deactivate partners so much as Illusionary relations." Now there is no question about this! Just the mess in the house says it. [I have been spending my weeks with him doing major house cleaning/organization for hours upon hours top-to-bottom . We are in the home stretch. It looks nice. And we have learned we work GREAT together].

I wonder what's harder? Look-alikes or Illusionary?

At any rate, if we all live together I will get the worst end of it. He will get the next worst, and she will do just fine because she is so aggressive and dominant. Of the three, she is the most dominant personality. (Of SLI and I, I cannot say. I am strong in some ways, he in others).

Part of what exhausts me day-to-day is the drama! We will be relaxing in the living room and she will burst in. Or, once, in his room on the bed organzing stuff, and another time, on his bed with him, fully clothed, enjoying the peace and delightful togetherness of an afternoon nap with him - but gee - bursting in! Knocking and saying excuse me is not her way. She will burst in with very happy! or very sad! drama. The very-happy is okay, and entertaining. But I would like to go home from it and to the calm I feel with my SLI, instead of having her there, never knowing when she will come in in her whirl of drama. She cries easier than me, and in a demanding pitch for sympathy. I cry, but rarely, and almost always alone while I am working things out alone. She instead works things out outloud on the spot. One minute she is having a moving "poor pitiful me" drama that dominates the mood of the entire house (moving my SLI to tell me SEE is suffering so sadly so we must take it easy on her now, and this is after she has been catty and manipulative with me, which he honestly missed) and the same day she has changed her mind on that subject and is excitedly anticipating the change she cried about earlier the same day!

I cherish the calm and peace I feel doing simple things or anything with my SLI and I wait months for the chance for that and sacrifice to get there and then SEE bursts in and its all about her now! Peace is gone and its drama time. At one point I told her:, you barely slept last night, you have been active all morning, you should let this go and take a nap and revisit this issue after some refreshment because it is not a pressing issue this moment and your exhaustion is tainting your view of the problem. But she ignored, and proceeded with her sad, feel-bad-for-poor-me venting anyway.

I feel exhausted begin pulled constantly into her happy/sadness.

Is this some kind of IEE sensitivity or what? Is this SEE stuff or dysfunctional stuff or in some way both??

Just wondering.